‘’Get in the car, please,’’ he sighed, moving his head away from my penetrating stare.

‘’What are you doing here, for god’s sake?’’ I asked again while I finally obeyed and got into the car.

‘’I can’t…,’’ he had to stop to catch his breath, ‘’I can’t take it anymore, Yonghwa. I tried to bear it, I really did; I tried so hard,’’ he stopped again, this time to cover his face with his hands. He didn't look at me. 

‘’Jong,’’ I whispered, almost inaudible, ‘’Jong, look at me.’’ But he didn't - unlike me. I looked at him, I looked at him properly; in a way I only could when we were away from the world. And what I saw ripped my heart apart. Again.

‘’Jong,’’ I muttered anew, this time while throwing my arms around his cold body. I felt the need to to comfort him, to give him shelter. I pressed a kiss on his arm while I tried to turn him around so he would face me. I grabbed his hands and put them away from his face. Once again I looked at him, I observed him. He was biting his lip. His head was hanging down, his right foot was nervously tapping the ground. I removed my hands from his and moved them towards his face. I tilted it up and made him look me in the eye, finally.

‘’아픈 사랑아*,’’ I muttered, ‘’나쁜 사랑아.’’ His biting increased. His tapping increased. His frown increased. ‘’I only have room for you.’’

A tear streamed down his face. His lip started to shake, despite the severe hold of his teeth. His hands, which had been lying powerlessly on his lap, turned into fists. I couldn’t take it anymore - either. I was causing him pain. Over and over again.

I moved my hands from his face to his back, tangling my arms underneath his. He placed his arms around my neck and immediately buried his face in the hole between my neck and collarbone. I kissed the pale skin of his neck, which was unusually cold today.

‘’I try so hard hyung, every day, I try to put on a smile every day, during every broadcast, but it’s just tearing me apart and I can’t stop it,’’ he cried. His body was shaking now and I felt the wetness of his tears on my sweater. His words dug into my soul. I hugged him tighter, even tighter, and pressed even more kisses on his skin, desperately trying to easen the pain.

‘’I’m so sorry. I’m so, so sorry, Jong,’’ was all I could say, because there was nothing I could do, no matter how much I would like to. I couldn’t quit the show, I couldn’t quit the dramas, I couldn’t stop incorrect rumours from coming out. And Jonghyun knew that too. We had no choice but to deal with it.  

''Just don't give up,'' I begged him.

* 아픈 사랑아, 나쁜 사랑아 = painful love, bad love