Black = Naeun POV -now-

Teal = Naeun POV -flashback-

Blue = L's POV -in the book-

Why he decided to kiss me? Why he decided to hug me? Why he decided to look out for me? Why?!?

I'm a er for this, i admit that. Even just to the stage of kissing, how passionate he was and how he gives me warmth. 

He keep on kissing my lips and i didn't have the power to pushed him away. Until, he went for my neck...

It clearly shown that he's skilled and knows a lot. But how could he went for my neck? Did he know that its stress the heck of me just as our lips touch? I'm mad all by myself as i shook my head.

Ani, Naeun-ah. Remember what you said to yourself that day? Cant you keep that i mind?

Few days ago,

Eunji eonni realise theres tears running down to my cheeks and i quickly looked away while wiped the tears,

"Ddeo..." she said not sure. She exhaled and looked worried, "Kwenchana?" she asked.

i nod without replying. She rubs my back and comfort me so that my tears would stop. As soon as we arrived in our dorm i walk to my room and locked the door. My legs are trembeling and soon i fell to the ground and lean againts the wall. my brain went blank as i keep staring at the ceiling, 

"Naeun-ah," someone said and now im back into my sense. "Are you really are okay?" she asked and im not answering.

"Cause you surely not." she said firmly. Its silent afterwards and i heard footsteps getting further and soon i cant hear a thing.

Pabo. What are you doing? You almost getting to know him, you almost that close to him. Why did you blew this up?! And on top of that, you dont even know what the heck is the problem.

Okay, dont cry and think.

Right, think of what's the problem really are.

I make my brain worked harder as i tried to flashback the moments when we're together.

~~

Silence and i cant make up a single sentence on my mind...

No, even a single word wont come out from my mouth. So i decided to leave him but he held my arms and asking me to stay for a while. I agree and he started to asked if he was bothering me, i quickly shook my head .

Ofcourse, no. Talking to him, seeing him and loving stalking him was so much fun and is a pleasure for me. Why would he thought he was a bother to me?

Then he asked me to read his book, which i haven't cause the book was still in eonni's(stylist) hand. I nod shyly while he suddenly grab my hand and gave me a vitamin candy. 

I put my hand into my coat pocket to search the vitamin candy, i found it and quickly put it inside my drawers, then lay on my bed. 

I thanked him but soon i left him cause i saw eonni(stylist) comes out from the elevator, at that time i was only thinking about the...

the book, Wait... after i got the book and turned to saw him, he gave me cold stares! So this is the problem, the book!

i searched for the book that was there inside my bag. Put my bag to its own place again and stare at the book that is the cause of the problem.

i exhale,"Here goes nothing." i sigh and open the first page of the book. It was a small book and it was thin. I dont know if im ready to rread it cause im too scared to hurt myself as i figure out whose his crush is.

I sigh one more time and rub my eyes to have a clearer view.

page 1,

THIS BOOK BELONGS TO,

KIM MYUNGSOO

I smiled foolishly as i saw this photo, its beautiful and i admit it, professional he is. :)

I flipped the page and my smile faded away as i'm trying to read it seriously.

page 2, 

This was a boring day, i thought at first.

Infinite had a busy day and more more schedule to attend to. Not to mention, all that girls kept staring at us. Chukle and gigle-ing while trying to look pretty. No one attracts my eyes honestly, they were... just girls. Girls that are trying to become  a women when honestly they are just girls.

We head to Music bank and someone made my day. You, with your member dancing and singing in the stage for your debut stage. Was this love at first sight? 

the words end and he highlight the 'You' and 'Love at first sight '. my hands are on my chest and i'm trying to endure the pain. The pain hurts but atleast he's happy in love and there's nothing compared to see your crush is being happy.

right?

Atleast thats what i thought.

I was about to flip the next page when i heard a clicking sound from the door. I quickly hid the book under my pillow and finds out Eunji eonni open the door widely. She sigh and smile worriedly, "I thought you would do something stupid." she said and got me questioning.

"Im sorry, i had to use the spare key," she said and i nod while forcing a smile, "Kwenchana eonni..." i answer. She then walk towards me and sit infront of me, "Its L, right?" she asked and i nod again, "Yes, he is the reaso..." 

i couldn't continue cause she shook her head, "Ani, i meant L is the person right?" she sigh and continued, "He is the one you love right?" i froze for a moment.

Did i love L? Did i like L? Did i care about him?

i shook my head,

no... i'm only a stalker for him, and a er for love.

"I dont love him, the person i love is only my parents," i stop to catch some breath before continuing "And ofcourse Apink"

i hate to say this, cause deep inside my heart hurts so much. too much for me to handle. I dont even know if this was a lie or the truth. I cant say that im in love that easily. I just cant and im not that kind of person.

"Stop fooling yourself. Its like you're choosing your job rather than your own feelings!" she complains and its the first time that her words got on my nerves, "Its what we were forced to do. Dont you think eonni?" i took some air before continuing my sentence, "If i choose my own happiness, what about the fans?what about the company? and mostly what about Apink? I rather destroy my life than destroying others life. Im sorry eonni. I just cant hurt anyone."

"Naeun-ah, dont do this. We'll support you on whatever your choices are," she comfort me, "If you doesn't want this to be exposed and be known we'll hid it for you, If Apink is in trouble we'll solve it together." 

Tears start to falling down, "Thats what i dont want you to do... Eonni..." i cried and she lend me her shoulder, "Love is the hardest damn thing in life, Naeun-ah..." she said my hair,

"There's no chances for me Eonni.....," i cried. "You had a thousands chances Naeun." she comfort me. "Besides, you can love him the way you wanted to."

I somehow doesnt like her words, "i can love him the way i wanted to." Its somehow have a selfish feeling and i cant do that. It sounds like its okay for me to choose my own happiness.

I cant do that. I just realise now.

I push myself away from her and wipe my tears, "No, i'll try to love Taemin oppa. Just like what most people wanted to."

she froze so do i. I cant believe what i've just said and now those words cant be taken back again,

"Yah, SON Naeun!" she yelled then lowered her voice. "Dont say something you..," I got a headache all of a sudden and so, i cut her words, "Eonni, im tired. i'm going to bed now, okay?" 

she pats my head and sigh then left the room. Giving me space and time to think for my self,

Thanks eonni. Chincayo.

I slept and woken up with a swollen eyes. i checked the time, it was only 30 minutes after i fell asleep but it feels like 4 hours or even more, i cant fall to sleep again, so i decided to read the book again.

I my own hair and rub my eyes, "Here it goes again."

page 3, 

Do you remember, that after your debut stage you greet me? Us i meant.

Infinite.

I cant help but to smile at you and you smiled back. How i wish that moment would stop but it didn't. Maybe time's going to lead me to something more beautiful than this.

And yes it did, we met again after sometime and we film a variety show together.

I sigh and almost cry again, why is oppa so in love with this girl and how hurt it is to read this.

To know that your crush is loving someone else.

With the dogs. How every meeting, i catch glance at you. But Woohyun hyung, the one who is straightforward and approach your member easily. Cause he fell in love with your leader, Park Chorong. 

Wait, Chorong eonni? So... that's mean, he fell in love with one of us?

Dogs? Does he meant Birth Of Family that we filmed together...?

Guess he was the biggest fan of your group. He has every album and he even got nickname for Apink. "Hot rookies." Honestly, you're not hot at all. You're innocent and pure. Not to mention that you are beautiful. Your hair flawlessly flow from your head and ends to your waist. 

I guess, what i meant to say is You're Different.

I know this sound like im a stalker fan or something, but i wish that you feel the same way about me. 

I was about to flip the page and realise something, it seems that he scrap 2 or 3 pages away. cause i see some scrap marks of the paper in the book. I just sigh and continue reading.

page 4, 

Was it fate? Your comeback is almost the same as ours. And How i wish we could meet somehow. But we're not. And do you realise how hard i've put on signal for you. Showing support for you, using your 'Hush' signature pose? by putting my index finger to my mouth. 

And you seem chic using that cloth. Wait, i meant you look chicly different. You look chic and mature? I love the concept.

Do you know 'the chaser' line? "Geunyoreul jikyora ,naritji mothage!Nae nimi gyesin got, kkeutkkaji garyonda~" 

[translation: Protect her, so she won’t forget me! I will go till the end to the place where my person is~ (p.s: its infinite's song, chaser."]

I wanted to do that so bad.

Protect you. but i cant. Cause its gonna end up with rumor and i dont want to demage your image and make you suffer from all the bashing.

So you wont forget me. I wish you will not forget about me, but i realise you might. Cause till now i've do nothing.

i will go to till the end to be with you. I will, but i'll stop until i've see you're happy with someone else cause i cant broke your happiness.

You love her so much. I should have love like you the same way you did to her. And now maybe you stiil fight till the end. Since, no one in the group is with someone else. beside me. Even if its only on-screen things. 

Im happy with Taemin oppa and you should too L oppa. Im happy cause he gives me warmth like what brother should do, and sometime he makes me forget about you. not completely, but he reminds me that im in real world not a fantasy and keep dreaming to be with someone that doesnt even like me. And you could find your happiness, i know. Cause from Chorong eonni until Hwayong, their the best. 

Some more scrap paper about 4 or 5 pages? So that must've been the reason why the book looks really thin. I count the pages left and it was 8 more. I sigh cause i have to read them all and finding out who the girl was.

Page 5 only contain of picture. his picture and the girl shadow. Our dorms and when infinite-apink birth of family and our dogs. 

page 6,

We're filming runningman together, remember? L-Sunggyu and Naeun-Eunji.

Tears starts to falling down cause now i know that Eunji eonni is the girl. I thought now im okay with it. knowing that  one of Apink is the girl. But i guess im not that strong.

Eunji eonni sure is better than me, kwenchana Naeun-ah. Atleast he is happy, right? i kept comforting myself and continue read the book.

There's other girl group too, but i cant remember them cause in my head was only, 'Apink is here too'.

Please dont think im a weirdo or something...

Somehow you choose infinite to be in the same van as you guys. not 2PM that beastly man and not BEAST that was the same company as yours. Im happy you know...? Cause the other girl group was using y and hot image. Sunggyu cant stand that, so do i.

You're the only group that stands out in my eyes. Cute concept, Pure, beautiful... okay im just gonna stop here.

Sunggyu is a man too, if you wanna know the reason why. And yes im a man too. but i find it bothersome to see y or hot girl passing by. I just wanted to cover them up with something, and again its weird i know.

You sit infront of us. At that moment i just wanna hug you from te back, but i cant. Lots of camera, lots of other people and you're not even mine,

So, he wants to backhug Eunji eonni... Glad that he dont do it, beside his reason why, i dont know how to act if i see him doing that.

But we change van and thats upsetting me. in that van, you're not even chosing me. if i was the one who is being asked, i'll imediately choosing you. 

Its true... Eunji eonni picks Sunggyu oppa not him...

Even though you're officially with someone else on-screen, but still, i thought you will pick me.

Wait, is eunji eonni officially with Seo In Guk oppa on-screen? 

Just like how Eunji picks Sunggyu, i was hoping you'll pick me. "out of these two, L oppa?" this words are the most thing i wanted to hear from your mouth. 

I even match my ideal type to look like you. And i will not change it for my entire life, i've promised to myself.

We even got the same title, right? 'acting-dol' different drama but still im in the same article with you. I like you and i officially said that it was love at first sight. Could i call it Love? 

Im just a stalker for love since im only stalking you from afar and im not confessing you directly cause you are allready with that man, Taemin.

the words end, but it makes me trembling. Who is the girl? if it Eunji eonni, why does he saidTaemin oppa's name...?

Tears start to comes out and im shaking inside and out. i was trying to flip to the next page but failed. instead it opens up into

the last page,

Can I Love You, Son Naeun?

Tears flow faster as its getting hard for me to breath, why i have to know it now?

When everyone knows that im with Taemin oppa now, why? 

Why should he confess now? why didnt i finished read the book forst before saying i'll try to love Taemin oppa...

Why God why, cant i be with him?

This word keep appearing on my mind as i keep sobbing like a kid. It had me two days and now my eyes are swollen. i decided to go to the park that day, i thought i would stop sobbing. But i cant.

Seeing lover passing by and look happy together. Seeing a family, mom, dad and little girl running happily. I cant even be with the person i like, how can i be like them? I start to cover my face but then i heard my song got played. as i look up i see him. 

why oppa? why i have to see you now? well, at that time i thought we were infinite. How our lips touch. and when its over you asked me did sparks fly? i admit that sparks do fly. but instead im being mad. cause why cant you leave me alone? i was enduring the pain and setting up my mind that i should delete you from my mind and starts to love Taemin oppa.

I left you but i realise i've left you on the park alone, its too cold and i still have your coat on. I put my hotpacks on your coat pocket and went back. I put it around you and forcing a smile when holding back my tears. How can i cry when i see you in pain, just like me. 

Ani Naeun-ah stop being a cry baby and face it, you figure out that he likes you back. But it was too late. You've said you choose Taemin oppa, right?

i'll hurt myself and maybe i hurt him too. 

But, Taemin oppa isn't hurt. His fans isnt hurt. I didn't hurt Apink's fans. And mostly it was for the best. Maybe he is in pain right now, but if i continue to like him he will lose his fans and so do infinite. That cant happen, right?

P.S = I made this chapter really long, im sorry :( . I was about to cut some part but im afraid you're not getting the feeling of Naeun and L... So yeah if i lack some part, just let me know :)