Have to try to break free

From the thoughts in my mind.

Use the time that I have,

I can't say goodbye,

Have to make it right.

Have to fight, cause I know

In the end it's worthwhile,

That the pain that I feel slowly fades away.

It will be alright.

Oh, this night is too long.

Have no strength to go on.

No more pain, I'm floating away.

Through the mist see the face

Of an angel, who calls my name.

I remember you're the reason I have to stay.

-Pale by Within Temptation-

Jiyong’s POV

‘Everything feels wrong.’

I didn't understand, was it me or was it Seungri? I felt irritated about everything that had happened between us. I had a feeling that I was influencing his reactions and moods. He was happy because of me and he was sad because of me. I was confused. Why was he becoming like that? Why did he associate everything with me? In the end, I felt as he was blaming me for everything.

He didn’t need to say it out loud but the looks in his eyes told me everything. I would not be the leader if I couldn’t read my maknae. And in this life, the thing that irritated me the most was being blamed for something that I didn’t do.

It all started yesterday. I was happy when he personally made lunch for me and brought it to the studio, but the happy moment ended quickly when he started to look hurt. Why was that? I’ve been wondering the whole night, especially, after he literally ran away from me. Was it horrible to correct how he addressed me? Since when was it a sensitive issue?

‘What’s wrong with him? Did something happen?’

That was the question that had been on my mind while I went back and forth deciding to call him or give him time to deal with the problem by himself. Then he startled me when he called me last night. His sudden inquiries and request about the carnival made me irritated with him, instead of me being worried about him. I hated going to the carnival and everything that related to it. He shouldn't blame me for refusing him and he could always ask other members to go with him. But why did he make it as if it was wrong for me to refuse him? Afterwards, he even hung up on me.

Today, he did it again. Blaming me for something that I didn’t do. Even worst, I didn’t try to control my anger.

We had to record a song for Bigbang’s upcoming album. It was typical for us to record any complete song while I was still working on a new song. It was part of the process: recording many songs and choosing which songs to put in the album.

At that moment, I was lacking sleep and I wanted everything to be done quickly. I was in one of my worst mood. And when I was like that, I was always serious. Meaning - no hugs, no breaks, no jokes, but complete concentration. My behavior was common at times like that and they knew me for years to not be bothered by it.

Well that was what I thought.

It was normal for me to refuse hugs. It was normal for me to lecture them. It was normal for me to get angry when I got irritated, even by the little things. Especially, the looks in Seungri’s eyes irked me the most.

“Hyung, what is wrong with you?” Daesung’s question surprised me. What was wrong with me?

It made me feel guilty - again for no reason. Did Seungri say something that made them feel like I was at fault?

And then Seungri ran away. I became stupefied by his action. I was mystified to shout at him to come back. What was going on?

“Ji.. Why are you sitting there, go and chase him.”

“What? Why should I?” I replied immediately. To be honest, Taeyang’s sudden request surprised me more than Seungri’s attitude. The members’ reactions made me flabbergasted. They looked at me strangely, adding to my confusion that leads to anger.

“Okay.. Wait.. Where is Daesung?” Without me realizing, Daesung was gone as well. What was wrong with everybody? Now I was really pissed. I could no longer work like this. I’m too tired to deal with it now.

“Fine.. We are cancelling this session,” I announced after sighing.

After an awkward moment of silence, Taeyang and Top walked out too. They didn’t say anything, but from the way they looked at me it didn't make me feel good.

Now that I had a sudden empty slot, I went back to work on the new song. Since last night, I was stuck with this job. The melody was compl