While his patience may not serve him well, he could count on his determination. Jong Kook had waited four hours for Jae Suk to finish his filming of Happy Together.

“Jong Kook, you should not sit here and wait for me. Your back is recovering. Is your back okay?” Jae Suk said at once when he saw Jong Kook. Jong Kook smiled at his hyung, patted his own back and nodded his head.

“Come on, let’s me buy you food. I’m starving too.” Jae Suk ushered Jong Kook out of the filming location.

They reached a quiet and cosy family restaurant. Jae Suk ordered a wide spread of food for both of them. While waiting for their food, Jae Suk asked Jong Kook, “What’s up?” He had inkling after his visit that Jong Kook would look for him, and he was certain after Haha told him about their meet up that Jong Kook would eventually look for him. Curiosity kills the cat; isn’t a tiger a cat?

“Uh… Did Ji Hyo initiate the ending of the Running Man show?” Jong Kook tried to keep his voice even without any hint of accusation. That woman surely annoyed him at times but he believed that she must have a good reason for wanting to end the show. However, using his back as an excuse was not acceptable. She can’t just mess with his career.

“Yes, she did.” Jae Suk gave a simple reply and watched for Jong Kook’s reaction.

“Did she say it was because of my back?”

“Yes, she did.”

“Why did you agree to her request when it is my back?” Jong Kook asked with a hint of irritation now.

“Because she is right. Your back needs rest.”

The food was served and Jae Suk urged Jong Kook to eat. The latter started eating grudgingly.

“Shouldn’t I be the one to decide if my back needs to rest? Why she should care?” Jong Kook grumbled in between his food.

Jae Suk shook his head. His dongsaeng could be so dense at times. “Even a cat which has nine lives can’t live long enough to see you hurt. Each time you are hurt, you are almost killing her. To prevent you from getting hurt again, she is willing to hurt herself.”

Jong Kook could not fully comprehend Jae Suk’s meaning. “Do you mean she is really doing this because of me?”  

The corners of Jae Suk’s mouth lifted. He recounted to Jong Kook on Ji Hyo’s willingness give up her career and go in debt for him, and how she had pleaded with the rest of team for their support and forgiveness. He felt that Ji Hyo deserved a chance.

Jong Kook was bewildered by what he had just learnt from Jae Suk. They were good friends but they were not exceptionally close, at least not any closer than any other cast members. In fact, their interaction outside the show was little. Yet, she was one of the few female friends who he would call. Then again, they didn’t really chat a lot on the phone. She was crazy to play extreme sports but she couldn’t be crazy enough to go to the extremes of breaching her contract and getting into debt just to stop him from hurting his back, could she?

“Why would she do so much for me?” he uttered in his puzzlement.

Jae Suk could not believe that Jong Kook would ask such a question. He was so good at reading the gameplay in Running Man, yet he couldn’t interpret Ji Hyo’s actions? He searched Jong Kook’s face for hints that Jong Kook might be faking it but he found signs of genuine confusion instead.

“Because she cares enough.”

“She cares for me?”

“Yes, she cares for you. She likes you.”

Jong Kook looked blankly at Jae Suk, trying to process the last three words - “she likes you”. He never felt that she had any special feelings for him. In fact, he just called her the day before Jae Suk visited him. She didn’t mention about the ending of Running Man. When he why she had not visited him in the hospital when the rest of them had all done so, she just replied coolly that she had drama filming. There was no hint in her voice or words suggesting that she was worried for him. Hence, he repeatedly asked Jae Suk whether he was sure that Ji Hyo really liked him.

“She likes you and she cares for you to the extent that she loves you,” Jae Suk replied in exasperation.

“But she has a boyfriend. She can’t love him and me, can she?”

“She had already broken off with her boyfriend for months.”

Jong Kook was surprised that Ji Hyo had broken off with her boyfriend. She didn’t show any sign of it. Then again, she wasn’t much different when she got together with her boyfriend. If not for the paparazzi’s news, they wouldn’t know that she was involved with her CEO. Did she really didn’t feel sad or was she just a great actress?

Suddenly, it occurred to Jae Suk that Jong Kook might be in denial due to his past experience. He had witnessed how Jong Kook fell for this other woman. He was shy at first and he gradually got bolder in expressing his affections for her. They were a sweet and good looking couple. There were many rumours but both of them had always denied being together. He had also noticed that Jong Kook had changed his reaction towards this woman after his discharge from military service. He used to smile and deny coyly whenever her name was mentioned, but now he would outright refuse to talk about her. He had even reacted with violence during the Running Man filming but Jae Suk would rather attribute his actions to his eagerness in achieving comical effects.

“Jong Kook, Ji Hyo really cares for you. I don’t know what had exactly happened between you and Eun Hye then. Ji Hyo does care for you,” Jae Suk said kindly to him.

“Yoon Eun Hye” was a name which he wished he could forget. It brought him so much joy and so much pain. If only people could stop saying this name in front of him. If only she didn’t pop up once in a while with her greeting messages or calls. 

“Did you date Eun Hye?” Jae Suk probed.

“I don’t know.” Jong Kook answered in silence. He truly didn’t know. Many years ago, they did go out together a number of times, they did chat frequently on the phone for hours, she even let him held her hands but she treated him pretty much the same in the Xman show and outside. They were in a love line in the show and love line wasn’t real. He had confessed to her that he really liked her but she always avoided answering him explicitly whether she liked him. Were they a real couple or was she just playing him? He couldn’t differentiate it for years, not even now.

“Ji Hyo and Eun Hye are very different.” Jae Suk commented.

“Are they?” Jong Kook asked silently. They were both actresses. If Ji Hyo could hide her breakup so well, couldn’t she act as if she likes him too just like what Eun Hye had done?

“Ji Hyo is worried that you may not find her as gentle as Eun Hye. She is worried that she might fit into your definition of an ideal girl.” Jae Suk added.

“What is my definition of an ideal girl?” He would have answered that Eun Hye was his ideal girl years ago but he wasn’t so sure now. He used to define his ideal girl in terms of looks and bearing – long hair, big eyes, slim, about his shoulder height, sweet and gentle. In fact, he still said so in public. However, as he approached the age of forty, the girl’s appearance had taken a backseat and he was looking for someone who understood him and cared for his family.

“She even feels that she isn’t good enough for you because of her explicit scenes in her past movies. She is even worried about your family’s opinion of her because of this.”

“Jong Kook, Ji Hyo may be strong and independent in Running Man but she could be more fragile than we think.” Jae Suk spoke protectively of her as he recalled her trembling when she shared her worries and shame for her past acting experience. “She may never confess her feelings to you. She has been pleading with me not to tell you what she had told me.”

The past. How should he define the past? Did he have a past with Eun Hye when the status of their relationship was never clear?

He opened a drawer and took out a scrapbook which was under a pastel blue gift box. He ran his fingers over its cover. The pages of the scrapbook were yellowish. He had not looked into this book for many years. On the first page was the cut out of the front page news of their scandal. There were their pictures from Xman. There were her pictures from his music video. There were no more news cut outs and pictures after that. He didn’t need them to remind him of the hurt which he had felt during his military service and after.

He regretted getting her to star in that music video. He was excited with the idea of having her in his music video but the press was not totally wrong to report that he had made use of her as an unorthodox method to promote his album while he was in military service. He had wanted his fans to remember his song and him while he was away. However, this move had cast doubt on whether she was making use of him in the early part of her career too. He was already famous when they met in Xman, was she riding on his fame when she agreed to the love line? When she stopped contacting him while he was in military service, was she too busy or because he was no longer of value to her? It’s scary what kind of agreement the management agencies could resort to just to gain popularity of their artists.

By the time he had discharged from military service, they were no longer the close friends that they used to be. Their exchanges were mainly text messages on festive and birthday greetings. The rumours got more hurtful when the press and public said that he was making use of her fame to promote himself by allowing the old rumours to resurface every now and then. They had diminished his efforts in preparing for his new album while he was still in military service – the late nights that he had kept and the rest days that he had burnt when he needed to be in the military camp most of the time. 

The rumours just won’t go away. Whenever he had new works and attended some shows to promote them, the MCs liked to bring up his past rumours with her and then the press and public would claim that he was riding on her fame again. He wished he could break out of this vicious cycle. He got really irritated when Jae Suk and gang did the same thing in the Running Man but because he was already so close to them, he could let his irritation be shown. He had worked and endured a lot in the Running Man, he didn’t want his effort to be diminished again.

He returned the book back to its original location.         

He was not totally blind to her heart. Ji Hyo’s actions had spoken louder than any words. He knew that he must be an idiot to let her go, but he would be a jerk if he accepted her without loving her. He was so comfortable with her that he could fool around with her without feeling self-conscious. He could always look into her eyes without feeling nervous. He could hold her hands, hug her and even carry her without feeling embarrassed. He was different with her. He always thought that it was because she was like a family member to him, a sister or even like a brother to him. “Am I blind to my heart?” he asked himself.

He took out the pastel blue gift box from the drawer. In the box, there were some trinkets. He picked a hair tie from the box. She wore this during one of the first episodes. She dropped it while running and he picked it up. He meant to return it to her but he somehow didn’t give it back to her.

Since the Running Man was originally made up of an entire male cast, he didn’t expect to have a love line in this show. When the producers mentioned that Ji Hyo would become a new member, he was experienced enough to guess that a love line would be formed and he knew how the love line could help the artist. Apart from Jae Suk and Haha, Gary was closer to him at that time so he had encouraged Gary to try creating a love line with Ji Hyo because this could potentially raise his profile in the show. He even shared with Gary about his love line experience in X-Man. Just because he didn’t fall for his love line partners in Family Outing, he had forgotten how vulnerable the artists in a love line could be. Wasn’t he and Eun Hye a classic example?

Gary soon developed real feelings for Ji Hyo and he was competing almost heads-on with Joong Ki on who would be in the love line with Ji Hyo. Due to the age factor, the producers and Ji Hyo had decided on Gary over Joong Ki as the general public still preferred to have an “older boyfriend and younger girlfriend” pairing. He had admired at how Ji Hyo handled the love line. He remembered Gary’s disappointment when he recollected the call he received from Ji Hyo once the love line pairing was confirmed. Ji Hyo had called to make it clear that she was only participating in the show and she had no real feelings for Gary. While she called Gary “oppa” both inside and outside the show, she had also occasionally reminded Gary that they were friends only. “She had certainly handled the love line better than Eun Hye, but how could I compare them when Eun Hye was so much younger then? She was just too immature to handle the situation,” he thought. He had subconsciously defended Eun Hye again.

He placed the hair tie carefully back into the box. By then, Gary had already confessed to him and Haha that he liked Ji Hyo. Since it was just a hair tie which she was unlikely to remember, he just put it in his drawer and he never got to return it to her.

He sifted the contents in the box. There were more hair ties, some earrings and even a bracelet charm that she had dropped. He could have asked Gary to return them to her, but somehow he just brought them home and as the quantity increased he even got a box to store them. He had never really looked at the items, but he just accumulated them.

(20.07.2013)