*** This chapter continues from Chapter 18. This is the start for the alternate ending of this story. ***

The scans and the doctor’s words simply confirmed what Ji Hyo had already known inside her heart. Her baby was dead. Their child was gone. She didn’t want to cry but her tears were beyond her control. She felt Jong Kook’s hold on her but she dared not face him. How she had failed him! She had lost their child. She wished she had been stronger. She wished he didn’t have to witness this and that he didn’t have to know all this.

When the doctor spoke to her about the removal of her child’s remains from her womb, she had autonomously and decisively chosen to do so by surgery.

Since Jong Kook had sent Ji Hyo to the hospital, he had not left her side for one moment. He was worried and scared to see her in pain and bleeding. He was shocked to learn that she was pregnant. He berated himself for being so oblivious. How could he not know that she was carrying his baby!  He held her hand tightly in his without letting go and he wiped away her hot tears and cold sweat. He blamed himself for not looking after her better. He blamed himself for not being to protect her and their child.

He couldn’t help but felt hurt when she made the decision to remove the remains of their child by surgery without even looking at him. He felt as if he had no part in her pregnancy or their child.

Jong Kook gathered her into his arms and held her close to him. “I’m sorry,” he said softly to her.

He had tenderly looked after her wound and patiently nursed her health back. He had obstinately refused to let her walk during the first two days after her surgery. He would carry her around the house and fetch whatever she wanted for her. Even when he allowed her to walk on her own again, he had made sure that he was always near her or she was at least within his line of sight whenever she moved around.

Ji Hyo had become very quiet after her discharge. She did not speak unless it was absolutely necessary. To break the silence between them, Jong Kook had read to her in the day time and he would cuddle and sing to her every night. In his own way, he was trying to let her know that nothing had changed between them and regardless of whatever that had happened he would only love her more. He patiently waited for her to open up again.  

Jong Kook’s mother had delivered nutritious home-cooked food for Ji Hyo and meals for her son every day. The elder lady always gave Ji Hyo a warm smile and a tender hug when she visited. She didn’t linger long at Ji Hyo’s place each time, giving the couple as much space as possible.

The care and consideration from Jong Kook and his mother had touched Ji Hyo greatly but they had also heightened her sense of guilt towards them. She could not bring herself to tell them that this would not be the last time that she would miscarry his child if she would ever get pregnant again.

Having experienced the brief period of possible motherhood, Ji Hyo began to understand and appreciate her mother’s affections in another level. She longed to be her mother’s little girl again, to be in her mother’s arms. She wanted so much for her mother to reassure her that her wounds would heal, the world would become bright again and her wish of a having child may just come true in future.

However, she had said “no” when Jong Kook asked her if they should inform her parents about her miscarriage. Knowing how her mother felt about her and Jong Kook, she didn’t want to give her mother any more reason to think badly about their relationship.

Outwardly, Jong Kook had put up a brave and strong front for Ji Hyo. However every night after he thought Ji Hyo had fallen asleep, he would numb himself under the cold shower and hide his sobs among its splatters. Some night he would cry, some nights he would not. He might not have a chance to know or bond with his unborn child but it didn’t mean that he had not felt its loss. More often than not, he felt as if he was a failure for failing to look after Ji Hyo and their lost child. And his greatest question was why Ji Hyo didn’t tell him about their child. Did she not trust him enough?

Standing closely next to Ji Hyo before the statue of Buddha, Jong Kook sincerely hoped to seek peace and closure for his family. In the midst of the soothing fragrance of the burning incense and the calming chant of the monk, Jong Kook prayed that their child would rest in peace and reincarnate soon to a good family who would love him or her, and he prayed for Ji Hyo to get over her grief soon. It hurt when he thought of their child but it pained him more to see the loss of cheer and brightness in Ji Hyo. The clammed up and listless Ji Hyo unsettled him. Just like now, she was next to him but he could not feel her with him.

Ji Hyo participated emotionlessly in the ritual in silence. If this process could help Jong Kook, she was more than willing to take part in it. But her heart found it hard to accept how merciless fate had been to her. If she could not carry the child to his birth, why let her feel the joy of his existence then cruelly took him away from her? Despite the temple’s tranquillity atmosphere and the mellow chanting, her heart failed to let go of her bitterness and her mind failed to find the peace that she very much needed.

As they were leaving the temple after the ritual, both their mobile phones received a message simultaneously. Haha had informed them that his baby girl Fantasy had arrived. Both Jong Kook and Ji Hyo stared wordlessly at the photo of the happy mother and the innocent newborn. They dared not exchange looks with each other.

Jong Kook finally took a deep breath. He gave a tight squeeze to Ji Hyo’s hands before he walked to a corner to call Haha. Even though his wound was still raw, Jong Kook collected his emotions and gave his congratulatory message to Haha and Byul because he felt that it was only right to share the joy of his long-time best friend.

Ji Hyo watched as Jong Kook pulled himself together to make the call to Haha. She saw the pain and sadness emitting from his eyes and the weariness hanging in his face even though he had masked them with a forced smile so that his voice would sound positive. She wanted so much to hug him yet she pulled herself back. She could not understand her own conflicting feelings. One part of her wanted to comfort him but she was afraid to get close to him again. She was afraid of hurting him again but she wanted him. She needed him yet she felt that she didn’t deserve him.

In Ji Hyo’s cauldron of mixed emotions for Jong Kook were love, grief, guilt, fear and anger. She understood her anger with fate’s cruelty but she could not comprehend why she felt angry towards Jong Kook too. He wasn’t the cause of her fertility problems. But he was the reason her fertility problems became an issue. Perhaps she was angry that he made her pregnant. Without the pregnancy, there would be no miscarriage. 

And now looking at his ability to speak with Haha, the second time father, and the smile on his face, a new element called jealousy had been added into the cauldron. She should be happy for him and some part of her was indeed proud and happy for him. However, she was jealous at how he had seemingly managed his pain and was holding up better than her. 

If she was not careful, all these other elements may just overpower the love in her heart.

It wasn’t easy for Jong Kook to suppress the feelings teeming in him too. From the hospital personnel to his mother, their words of comfort and concern were directed at Ji Hyo only. Even without them telling him to do so, he already knew that he had to stay strong for her. But he could do with some empathy too, for after all he was the other parent of the child. Just like Haha was able to share his joy about his addition, he wanted to be able to share his grief about his loss too. Yet for the sake of Ji Hyo he had not breathed a word to any of his friends.

He was dismayed that a phone message had impaired the inner peace that he hoped and sought from the ritual. As he walked towards Ji Hyo, he looked past her expressionless face to see the raging emotions in her eyes. He finally decided to ask her the question which he had persistently asked himself.

When they returned to her apartment and before she could retreat into her bedroom, he stood before her and held her hands in him. “Ji Hyo, we need to talk,” he said softly to her, breaking the awkward reticence between them.

She looked at him uncertainly. She was still trying to control her conflicting emotions. However, she followed him to the couch in the living room. They sat side by side to each other.  

Jong Kook began the conversation between them with the words, “Ji Hyo, I love you.”

It warmed her heart to hear these three words from him but she could not bring herself to look at him in the eyes, much less to repeat these three words to him.

Receiving not even a reaction from Ji Hyo, he continued with sadness in his heart, “I meant to ask this question since the day we were in the hospital.” He paused when Ji Hyo shut her eyes immediately upon hearing the words “the hospital”. He took her cold hands into his and held them there. When she eventually opened her eyes again, he said gently to her, “I know this is difficult for you. But I really want to know why didn’t you tell me that you were pregnant?”

She had the answer to this question.“Because I know I won’t be able to keep our child. Because I want to protect you.” But what’s the point of telling him now when the baby was already gone and he was already hurting.  

Once again, he did not receive any answer from her. Apart from his sadness, he could feel his frustration slowly building up. “Don’t you trust me?” he asked.

“Trust you to do what?” she instinctively wanted to ask him back but she didn’t. Of course, she trusted that he would want to keep the baby with her. But she was the one who could not keep the baby. Of course, she trusted him to know what to do because she was the one who was uncertain now. But could she trust him to stay with her after he knew about her condition? She had no firm answer to this question.

Her silence and unresponsiveness were driving him nuts. “Am I not the father of your baby?” he uttered in frustration.   

She understood his question but she deliberately misinterpreted it in another way. She didn’t know why but she longed for a fight. Maybe she did want to talk but she didn’t want to speak about her true feelings. “What are you trying to imply here?” She finally broke her silence.

He was caught off guard by her question. After her long silence, he wasn’t fully expecting her to answer him, much lesser to hear her counter-question. Before he could reply, he heard her speak again. “Are you saying that I didn’t tell you about my pregnancy because the father is someone else?”

He looked at her in disbelief. Was she trying to provoke him? “I didn’t mean that!” he protested. “I’m asking why you didn’t tell me that you are pregnant with MY child.”

“So what if I had told you?” she challenged him. “Could you have prevented the miscarriage?”

“I don’t know,” he answered her honestly. Another wave of guilt and helplessness came over him. What could he have done to prevent the miscarriage?

“You can’t prevent the miscarriage. Neither can I.” She backed down from her aggressiveness. She added forlornly and more quietly, “And it would happen again.”

“What do you mean?” he asked in puzzlement.

“Jong Kook,” she said his name hoping to draw strength from it. She swallowed hard and told him the hard facts, “My chance of conceiving a child is low and my womb is not strong enough to keep our babies.”

He was trying to process what she had just said to him while she summed it up for him, “I simply cannot have children.”

He shook his head subconsciously and she painfully reiterated to him, “You can’t have children with me.”

He stared at her blankly, taking in the sudden news.

“We will not have any children!” she raised her voice at him. “Don’t you understand?”

“That was our only child and he is gone!” The thought strayed into his mind and he was caught by it. He shook his head again.

“Jong Kook, don’t waste your on me. Find another woman to bear your children,” she said harshly to him.

He was stunned with her suggestion. “What kind of man you do think I am?”

“A man who wants kids and is capable of having them.” She braced herself and looked straight into his eyes. “And I’m a worthless woman to you.”

He closed his eyes momentarily to compose himself. He placed his fingers over her lips. “Stop, Ji Hyo. Stop saying things that will hurt both of us.” He pulled her hands and placed them over his heart. Looking straight into her eyes, he said firmly to her, “I love you.”

 

 

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Sorry if this chapter has not met your expectations.

(01.12.2013)