( PART 1 )

I was never someone who fangirl. I never gawked at artists nor screamed their names crazily or got hyped by the released of their new albums and music videos. Neither did I ever think that the day will come that I would.

I could still remember those days when you have yet to find us. Weekdays were for preparing for exams and doing projects. On weekends, I was busy with my part time job. On that time I worked hard to make sure that I would be able to grab a scholarship and save enough money to sustain my financial needs for college. Rarely did I have time to watch TV or surf the internet; those didn’t really matter to me. I rather spend my spare time with my friends anyway.

And it was through my friends I got to learn about you.

Because of my friends, I got to see you in shows and figured how famous you were. They had almost all your songs, performances and music videos downloaded in their hand phones and had me watch it with them during our breaks, whether I wanted it or not. Honestly, on that time, I didn’t get why they liked you so much. For me, there was nothing special about you. Except for your voice, that is. I’ve always found your voice exceptionally soothing, comforting. But that’s all there was. You were pretty, just like the others, fashionable, just like the others, talented, just like the others. You’re more famous, yes, but that was not enough to make me look up to you.

But at the night of our third Christmas Eve together, seeing you smile at us victoriously after bravely climbing up the ladder to put the star at the top of our giant Christmas tree, watching you as you jumped down that ladder and clumsily land in between Mom and I,  giggling at you as I watched you tiptoe just so could put your arms on mom’s and I’s shoulders and staring at you while you smile at the Christmas tree dreamily before you said, “This would how it’s going to be every Christmas, eh? You, me and mom. Here together.” In contentment, I realized why I didn’t like you before.

You might have been the brightest star but without your family, you were just a fragment of the star you were supposed to be. And I, someone who resented the fact that she was a product of a broken family, was never a fan of anything incomplete.

I looked at the artificial star blinking at the top of the artificial tree then looked at the serene expression in your face. No matter how many times I repeated that action and despite the contrasting effects of lights slightly dimming your features; I found myself staring at you at awe for I saw what you truly are.

A beauty, a celebrity, a loving child and a perfect sister.

That Christmas, Hwang Tiffany became Kim Taeyeon’s fan and dreamed that someday, she too could be just like her sister.

---

I didn’t get you.

I didn’t get why after all those time; after you brought me to events with you and introduced me to a lot of people from the entertainment industry, there was such panic on your face when one day I went to your company to visit you (for the first time) so I could personally say to you that I wanted to be a singer, like you.

If only you have seen your face on that time, unnie. Damn, you looked so shocked! Horrified even! You even hurried to drag me inside your studio and poked your head outside the door cautiously. I felt like I was some criminal they’re not supposed to see.

I didn’t get why you reacted that way. I mean, yeah, I did go there to surprise you, without knowing what your schedule on that day was, if you’re busy or if you’re to meet with someone important that day, but, I did go there for good reasons. You’re always so busy at work on that time. You were barely home. The deadline for submission of application forms for college was coming and I wanted to tell my decision to pursue a singing career to you first before I submit mine. And to think that I even brought flowers and foods for you, it saddened me, unnie. How could you treat me that way?

Seeing the disappointment of my face because of your reaction, you tried to ease it with a nervous laugh and a pretentious smile. Yes, pretentious. I knew because I did start observing you and taking note of your behaviors, unnie. I wanted to know you better, remember? You couldn’t lie to me so easily anymore. I could already tell if you’re tired or if you wanted someone to talk to or if you wanted to be alone or if you wanted me to do you a favor for you and smile for you so you could pretend that my smile made you happy even if you’re still sad inside. 

“I’m sorry, Fany-ah. I was just so surprised to see you here.” You apologized after you locked the door behind you and patted my head. "Stop the pout, okay?" A tight-lipped smile before you took the bag of foods and the bouquet from my hands and raised them up to eye level. “Is this all for me?” You asked, with an expression that resembled that of an excited kid. Another act. 

The way you’re behaving; the fact that you’re trying to fake your mood and expression for me, alone already meant that something was wrong.  So I nodded my head and let myself be dragged by you to the couch where you pushed me down to sit before you went to your desk to place the flowers in a vase; I knew that the last thing you wanted me to do was to press you about it.

 “Aigoo, these smells so good, Fany-ah! Thank you!” You commented after smelling the flowers. 

“I glad you like it, unnie.” I replied which made you stare blankly, like you couldn’t believe what you’re hearing, before you smiled sincerely for the first time since I arrived and went to sit by my side.

“Of course, unnie would love anything you’ll give to her, Fany-ah.” You smiled at me before you began rummaging at the bag of foods on the table. “Anyway, you were saying something when you arrived. Sorry but I didn’t quite catch it. What was that about again?” You asked as you continue absently rummaging the bag.

“Oh. Yes. It’s about~”

“Ice Cream!!!” You suddenly exclaimed.  You held the ice cream container with both hands with an excited expression. Ice cream really did cheer you up. “Oops! Sorry to interrupt, Fany-ah. Go on. I’m listening.” She said as she put down the ice cream container on her lap. I knew pretty well that you're anxious to open it up.

Shaking my head to my childish sister, I continued. “It’s about college, unnie. I’m thinking of pursuing a career in the entertainment industry like you, unnie. And I was just thinking what your opinion about~”

“Wait~” You cut me off again; holding a hand up, the previous excitement and smile on your face disappeared like it was never there. “By that you mean you wanted to be a singer?” You asked, the tone of your voice indicated you didn’t like the idea.

“Yeah, I mean, didn’t you make me enter the theater club before so I could get good credentials. And I mean, I can’t use those credentials on Med School, can I?”

“Yes, but~”

“And you did tell me I have a good voice right? Plus you’re here~”

“You don’t understand~”

“~and I really dreamed of working with you, unnie. That’s why I enrolled to music lessons before so~”

“It’s not that easy. Fany-ah, listen to me.”

“~by the time that I graduated, I only need to~”

“Fany~ah.”

“~take a little training on your company then I can debu~”

Talking about my plans in the future got me too excited that I failed to notice that you were talking too.

“Miyoung!”

Suddenly you banged the table and stood up, the ice cream on your lap landed in the floor with a thud, contents spilling on the carpeted floor. I stiffened when you screamed at me. I could only stare at you, eyes wide from shock and fear. For the first time, I saw such anguish in your eyes I didn’t know you were capable of.

“I-I-I-I… I-I’m sorry, unnie. Unnie I~” It felt like I swallowed my tongue whole. I could feel my heart thumping rapidly on my chest. Fear. Such fear those eyes induced me. I stared at the floor, trembling fingers crumpling the skirt I wore. “I-I-I didn’t m-mean to. I was just~” I began sobbing. Tears falling from my eyes. Non-stop until I really couldn’t say a thing. That was the first time my sister ever got angry of me and it terrified me so much. Especially, the fact that I didn’t know what I did wrong.

As the sound of my sobs echoed in the room, I waited. The fringes of my hair hanging in front on my face like they’re curtains. I waited for your soothing voice or your comforting embrace. But there was none.

I couldn’t contain the feelings anymore. I looked up at you and saw you holding on to your temples and biting your lips in frustration. The sight made me grit my teeth. The fact that I made you more frustrated than you already were even before I arrived filled me with guilt.

“I’m sorry, unnie.” I mumbled in shame and bit my lips again.

I looked at you pleadingly and bowed my head when you didn’t look at me at all, like you didn’t care anymore.

Then a gasped. “Oh my god, Fany-ah! You’re bleeding!”

And I realized you did care. I was wrong.

I didn’t know I was biting my lips so hard that it started to bleed. I could taste copper, taste fresh blood. Crimson colored liquid drip down my lips.

I put my hands on chin, more concerned of not wanting my blood to stain the floor than to stop the bleeding. I was confused. I really didn’t know what I was doing.  

I looked at you as you scramble at one of the cabinets, searching for the medicine kit, all the things that happened before already forgotten. With the kit on tow, you sat beside me again. I could only stare at you as you tended my lips, your face a canvass of mixed emotions. After securing the dressing, you cuffed my face and looked at me, regret written on your face. “I’m sorry, Fany-ah. I really am.” You whispered as you fixed my hair and pulled me to your arms.

---

That night, I waited patiently for you at the ice cream parlor nearby your company.

A man came when we we’re on the middle of eating the foods I brought. A handsome man in the late 20’s, if my estimate was not wrong. He looked familiar to me but I could not pin point when and where I saw him before. He asked you to come with him. Appointment, he said. He smiled at me when you mentioned that I was there but I knew he was faking it. He looked annoyed. No. Only, he’s eyes looked annoyed. Everything else about his face implied the opposite. He was acting, just like you.

You didn’t seem to notice it though. You only nodded and excused yourself, explaining that you needed to send me off. After you waved him goodbye, I thought he’d go already but no. He took time to look at me and smile a little; a smile too creepy to my liking. It gave me shivers. I squirmed uncomfortably on my seat.

Giving a playful salute, he finally took his leave and on cue to the sound of the door closing, you gave out a sigh before looked at me over your shoulder. “He’s the vice-chairman. Isn’t he handsome?” You smiled. It didn’t reach the eyes. I acted as if I care and agreed. You didn’t seem to like my response.

You walked over to where I was and gave my head a little pat before you walked to the coat rack. “There’s a café nearby. Just across the street. Take the food and wait for me there, okay? I’ll finish this quick.” You said as you put on your coat. I did what I was told. I was packing the foods back to the bag when you suddenly spoke, “About the singing thing,” I turned to you attentively. “I don’t really want you to do it, Fany-ah.” You said, suddenly sounding so tired.

I held my head low and clamped my mouth shut. I so wanted to ask why but I didn’t want to risk you being angry again.

I was already trying to accept the fact that I wouldn’t have your blessing when you suddenly speak with a lighter tone, “But if that’s really what you want, and then go for it.”

“Really, unnie?!”  I almost jumped up when I heard what you said.

“Yes. But, I will be your manager. No one else. Arasso?”

“Neh, unnie!”

Alone, I danced at the studio in happiness, ignoring the fact that you didn’t look so happy after you bid farewell and left.

That night, you came at the ice cream parlor for me looking so tired. Fragile even. You hugged me for the longest time and said, "No matter what happen, you would be there for unnie wouldn't you, Fany-ah?"

That night, you didn’t give me a chance to answer that question. 

Credit: Poster Jellywing from tumblr