(Part 2)

The last of which was what you provided me with the most.

It’s not the beauty of your words or the pats on the back or the encouraging smile that motivated me to change. It was you. It’s the way you are. And the way you were always there for me.

---

How to be a good sister?

That was the biggest question. I wanted to be one but I didn’t know how to. Should I prepare food for you? Should I follow you around? Should I run errands for you? I didn’t know. So I asked you with all seriousness and you answered, “Just be there when I got home. That would be just fine.”

But that answer was illogical for me.

You were always patient and understanding of me. Always the one to give way. Always the one ready to adjust. Always the one to say ‘Don’t worry. It’s okay’.  The one to initiate a conversation. Always the one to plan outings and get together. You were always doing something for me. Big sisters aren’t the only ones with duties, are they? I couldn’t give you a car like you did for me on my eighteenth birthday, but I knew there’s something I could do for you too.

You never changed your answer no matter how many times I asked you. It was not until when we talked about college did I had a clue.

----

I’d been lenient in attending school again. I started avoiding my so-called ‘friends’ and focused on getting my grades back up. It was my last year in high school and whether I wanted it or not, I needed to start worrying for college. Mom had never been to one, and I knew, although you were on a break because of your tour, you had attended one.

Aside from suggestions on what college I could apply to, you said it would be better for my college application if I had credentials in school organizations and suggested I join the Theater Club.

“The-The Theater Club?” I stuttered while you sit at the couch, absently rummaging your bag. Validation seemed necessary. I mean, why does it need to be Theater Club among everything? “Why there, Taetae? I mean, I’m good at Math. How about I join the Math Club?” I suggested, slightly in panic, purposely using Mom’s nickname for you in hope for approval.

“Why not there? I heard you sing. Believe me, it was something.” You answered nonchalantly before opening the small container you took out of your bag and popped a lone gummy bear in your mouth. Chewing, you raised an eyebrow and looked at me expectantly.

I couldn’t utter a word. I tried so hard not to show the fear on my face as I let my senses be swallowed by the silence that followed after your statement.

When I decided to ask you for your suggestion, I was determined to follow whatever that would be. For some reason I felt like I need to impress you and I thought following you would give me just that. But we’re talking about the Theater Club? I could not join the Theater Club. I just couldn't.

You seemed to have taken my lost for words a sign of incomprehension so you went on enumerating the reasons why you saw joining the Theater Club as the most beneficial. Your tone was somewhat persuasive. Rarely did I hear you being persuasive and it had amused me more than it changed my mind about Theater Club.

“It was just a suggestion Fany-ah. I’m on the show business. Of course, I have biased opinion. You don’t need to follow my suggestion if you don’t want to.” You said when you saw the look on my face.

For a moment, that statement slightly relieved me from the doom running on my mind but the moment I saw that flicker of disappointment on your eyes disappeared as fast as you managed a smile, a tightening feeling crept up my neck and worry started filling up my insides.

“So?” You suddenly asked, waking me from spacing out. You tilted your head to the side. You smiled again, showing the dimples at the side of your chin I wanted to poke so much.

“Okay.” I replied, even though I knew I would never be okay after that.

---

Things had been great. My grades were good. Theater club was not as bad as I imagined. Actually, I was thinking of pursuing Theater Arts for college. That’s how fun it was. I gained new friends too. They were nice. Much better than the ones I previously had. Everything was going easy for me. Striving to change brought me good, Taetae. So thank you for being there for supporting at every steepness, roughness and smoothness of the road. I could stand on my own now. You don’t have to worry about me anymore.

That was the lie I’d tried so hard to make you believe. And you did. Or so, I thought you did.

---

Despite my efforts, life didn’t get any easier than the way it was before.

Yes. I decided to change. I had raised my white flag in the childish war I started. But to everyone, except you and Mom, I was still your same obnoxious little sister. People judged me for the way I was, not for the way I am. For them, I was still the unlucky and dirty thread that they could never separate from you; a thread that continually stains you and pulls you down. The people would always see me as the villain who needed to repent her sins. They wouldn’t let me forget that.

---

“How was school?” No matter how tired you are, with a weary smile, you’d always take time to ask that first thing after you arrive home.

Seeing my name on board branded with the words ‘ungrateful ’ and ‘’ arriving at school first thing in the morning. Bugs appearing inside my bag or in the surface of my food. Washroom doors being locked from the other side, trapping me inside. Threatening side glances and exaggerated roll of the eyes. School was still the hell it was, Taetae. I was burning there. Please. Please. I don’t ever want to go back.

“It was great.”  I would say and feign a smile.

I would watch as you sit lazily at the couch and you reach for the remote controller. You would turn the TV on and pat the space next to you, looking at me with sudden interest.  “Really? Tell me everything that happened.”

I would sit next to you and smooth the surface of my lap. As usual, you’d lie and casually rest your head on them. It was a habit of yours that I first thought space-invading and bothersome but have learned to be comfortable with. Your eyes focused on the TV, you’d remain silent as you wait for me to talk and I’d tell you everything that didn’t happen.

I would talk about the new friends I (had never) met, what (I wished) we did and how fun it (could have been) was. I would talk about the (non-existent) guy was crushing on and how cool (I pretended) he was. I would talk about how easy (hard) our test had been because I (couldn’t focus) paid attention to class the whole time it was being lectured. Then, I would flash an eye smile. A smile that didn’t meet the eyes looked forced so I would try to smile as natural as possible. That kind of smile would strain the last bit of energy left in me but I still would. 

That whole time I would fake laughs, smiles and excitements. Lying felt ten times more shameful when I do, so I would look anywhere but you. I would discreetly glance at your face just to see if you looked satisfied, ready to dig my brain for more lies if you’re not. With every glance I took, I would hold my breath because my chest tightens and it felt like my heart would break.

Forgive me, Taetae. I didn’t mean to lie to you.

 It just that when I decided I wanted to change, I meant I wanted to be brave.

My cowardice in facing my insecurities; my fear of lacking, my fear of being compared, my fear of accepting you and letting you in our little world was what put me in the mess I was in. It was what blinded me from the truth that you’re my sister and you’re a good person. It was what pushed me to do the things I did. The problems I was facing were the consequences of my actions, and for once, I wanted to be brave and face them all… alone. 

 So I’d watched your hand blindly search for mine to put it on top of your head. I would brush your hair because I knew it was what you wanted. I would brush your hair because I knew it would make you sleepy. I would brush your hair because I didn’t want you to ask another question. I would brush your hair because I had started to care for you, Taetae and I didn’t want to drag you in my problems anymore.

---

……but they dragged you in, anyway.

---

When I joined the Theater Club, I thought of reasons why they accepted me and I figured out two. One, because you were a former member. Two, because harassing me inside the club would be safer than doing that outside.

All of the people in school, I think the Theater Club members hated me the most. They were the people in school you had been closest to. They were the ones who had protected your image when I tried to stain it. They cared when I didn’t. They were with you when I was against you. They had all the reason to hate me and I had all the reason to owe them.

So I took all their hatred. I swallowed everything and didn’t dare speak of it. I deserved it. I really thought I did.

---

I was happy with being part of the club alone. I didn’t expect to have any part on showcases at all. Cleaning duties after practice was enough for me. Even if I was cleaning everything alone, it was better than having an added credential without deserving it. I just wanted to get through high school quietly. I just want to accomplish something that you and Mom could be proud of. I just wanted to be that brave sister you deserve. I just wanted to forgive the ‘me’ from the past…. but they wouldn’t let me.

People didn’t want me to change.

They wanted me to crumble.

In front of everybody.

In front of you.

---

They told me about my part on the showcase one week before the performance night.

It was an emergency, they said.

A member of the club, the one who suppose to sing at the last part, would not be able to participate.

They said they needed me.

That they acknowledge my singing ability.

 I told them I couldn’t do it.

They told me they needed me.

They told me it would be okay.

They told me they’ll be there.

That they’ll support me.

Because we’re a family.

I knew they were lying. I said no.

They told me if I do it, they would forgive me.

They said they would forgive me. 

Forgive me.

Those two words echoed in my mind. Resonated until it's the only thing I could think of.

I agreed. Not before they agreed to the condition that they wouldn't inform you.

I’m sorry, Taetae. I was desperate. I needed validation.  I needed hope. 

Someone told me they could forgive me when after all those times I still couldn’t forgive myself. That was hope for me, Taetae. A hope that maybe, if they could forgive me, someday I could forgive myself too. I wanted to hold on to that hope.

I knew I would be miserable after but I thought that was fine. 

I thought.

I didn’t think you’d be there to watch me on the moment all I wanted to do was die.

---

"Taeyeon is here."

---

“Boo! Boo! Boo!” The crowd was shouting. Angry wails and grunts echoed in the whole auditorium. Snickers and glares were directed on me. My mouth started trembling and I held on to the microphone for my dear life. The audience, along with my club members, was thrashing the stage I was standing on.

It was dizzying. I found my hand automatically clutching my head. My knees were shaking so hard I could barely stand, what more run.  I clenched my jaw to keep myself sobbing. The crowds screamed louder, angrier. The spot light was burning my eyes. With every blink of my eyes, keeping back the tears got harder. I wanted to cry. I wanted to cry so bad.

But I fought to keep the tears in.

Swallow back your whimpers, Tiffany. Sing. Your sister is watching you. She is in the crowd. After you sing she’ll be proud of you. She will buy you Ice Cream and at last you can happily eat it. Because this time, you deserved it. You deserved the love of your sister.

They wanted me to crumble in front of you. So I wouldn’t. With a squeaky voice, interrupted by a series of sniffs and lips trembling, I sang. I sang for you. Somewhere along the crowd you’d hear me. The crowd won’t listen but you would. I sang. Because even if the world world stops listening, I only need you to hear me.

My eyes kept searching, looking for that one person in the crowd that shines brighter than the spot light.  

“I’m sorry, unnie.”

The song ended and I finally saw you. In a yellow dress, at the last row, your hair still highlighted with a variety of colors even though I told you it was better off pink. You nodded. Then I let the tears fall. For the first time in my life you were smiling proudly at me and I knew to myself I deserved it.

“Im sorry. I’m sorry. I’m –I’m really sorry.” I repeated over and over again, in between sobs, in between trembling lips. I didn’t even notice that the crowd had stopped booing and thrashing. They didn’t matter. I realized I didn’t need anyone’s forgiveness; just yours. And mine.

---

The backstage was almost empty. I was sitting at the bench with a blanket over my body. I was still crying. Tears just wouldn’t stop. I didn’t know how long you’ve been there. Only when I heard you speak, did I know you were right in front of me.

“Fany-ah~”

I looked up, tears rolling down my cheeks. And your hands were  already open, inviting me in. I deserved your embrace. I didn’t hesitate anymore. I stood up and buried my head in your shoulder. I stayed there sobbing as you chanted, “You did well, Fany-ah. Mom would be so proud of you.” over and over until you patted my head gently and said, “Next time something like this happens again, tell me. We are not mere sisters. We’re friends, Fany-ah. Don’t hesitate to tell me, anything. I will always listen.”

I nodded against your shoulder.

On that day, I promised I would always believe in you. Just like how I believed in Mom. 

Yes, I adapted a confusing writing style. 

Most probably, Lover will be next. 

Please do comment. Thank you all for reading and supporting this fic.  Feel free to ask if there were some things that were not clear to you.

P.S. You can follow me at twitter: @KwonLeah23