(Part 4)

The definition of love among people will always be different from each other.

Unfortunately, those three words were the only words that describes what ours was. 

Stiff. Far. Different. Three words that summed up love that do not touch. Longing, aimed not eased but forgotten. A love; selfish and forbidden.

---

Stiff.

“Unnie~” Ignoring the sudden tension on your shoulders as I approached you from behind and wrapped my arms around your waist, I put my chin on your shoulder and mumbled cutely (yes, I was actually trying). “Mom and I will watch a movie. Come join us?” I angled my head so you could see my eye smile from the corner of your eyes.

“I’m busy.” You said, slightly shifting on your seat. Your eyebrows furrowed while your eyes was still glued on the rehearsal clip you were watching.

“But you’re always busy these days. Can’t you take a little break for a while?” I mumbled against your shoulder as I buried my chin deeper.

“No.” You said and squirmed as if to loosen my arms. “I need to concentrate on this, Fany-ah.”

“But I only got to be here on weekends.” I said with a pout. “After this week, we will be having midterms and I will be busy at the uni again. I might not visit next week or even the week after. Please unnie~” I pleaded. I  looked at you through the mirror you had by your desk and frowned. You quickly glanced at my reflection on the mirror and when I saw how you closed you eyes before giving out a long sigh, I knew I won.

“Alright.”

But honestly, the fact that even though you came downstairs to join and all you did is stare blankly at the screen the whole time, looking like the empty shell you became after you left that man, I couldn’t actually call that a victory, could I?

---

Far.

Your eyes focused on the road, you rummaged your bag blindly and brought out a box. “Here, this is for you.”  

“What’s this?” I asked, quirking an eyebrow questioningly as I reached for it and held it on my palm.

Your eyebrows furrowed. I thought you were going to answer me but instead, you pushed a button somewhere at the side of your car door and began speaking. The flickering light on your phone, suggest you were taking a call.

I shut my mouth and stared ahead, fiddling with the box on my hand.

“I’m sorry about that.” You said, when the call finally ended, eyes still focused on the road, you haven’t looked at me once since you picked me up from the uni. “My manager called. I have another project coming up. She said I have a meeting scheduled around four this afternoon. I’m afraid it might extend till seven. Busy day today.”  You said, before laughing shortly. 

I looked away. I couldn’t help but scowl. You were just saying how legit it was that you couldn’t go. What the hell was funny about that?

“What were we talking about again, Fany-ah?”

“Nothing.” I said, grudgingly.

 You shrugged and began talking about work and work. Lots and lots of work. You spoke fast and precise. Your lines, edged with formality, making everything you were saying sound like it was rehearsed.

I looked outside the window as you spoke, chewing the sides of my cheek. I felt like crying but I couldn’t risk showing it to you. I didn’t want to be a bother.

You swerved the car to the side and pull-over in front of our favorite restaurant. I could see Mom waving at me from inside. I forced a smile and waved back.

“Tell Mom I’m sorry that I couldn’t go, okay?” You said from behind me, sounding tired all of the sudden. I nodded before I gathered my things and pushed open the door. I got off your car with ease and walked towards the restaurant.

“Fany-ah!” I heard you calling and turned around. You bent so you could look at me from the inside. “Have I given you your gift yet? It’s not on my bag anymore.” 

So the box is my gift huh?  

I raised my hand, holding the box. “It’s here.”

You sighed in relief before you smiled. “Open it later, okay?” I nodded. You began rolling the window up.

“Oh! Fany-ah?” You called again. I could only see half of your face since the car window was already halfway up.

“Happy Birthday.”

I watched as your car pulled out of the parking space until it was completely gone.

I opened the box and saw a pink key inside. I sighed. Another car.

I put the key back and tossed the box inside my bag carelessly.

“Yeah… Happy Birthday Tiffany.”

I didn't need a car. I needed my sister.

---

Different.

I couldn’t help but steal glances at you as you chewed on your food silently. You smiled pleasantly at Choi Siwon from time to time. I looked away whenever I saw you smiling at him suggestively. I could feel the bile making its way up my throat. I shuffled on my seat uncomfortably, fighthing the urge to throw up. I couldn’t wait to be out of there; a place where Kim Taeyeon was a famous star and anything but my sister.  

“What the hell was that, unnie?!” I hissed as soon as Choi Siwon stood and walked out of the vicinity.

“What?” You asked nonchalantly, wiping your lips with a napkin before you looked at me. I flinched. Even now, your cold eyes and business like-expression still surprise me. You never looked at me like that before, but now it's like it's your default face whenever you talk to me. 

“T-That! That guy! I thought we are here for business, then why the hell are you dragging into this-this date!” I stuttered. 

“Didn’t you say you wanted to be a singer? I am merely extending your connection.”

“What? My connection?!”

“Yes. I think you’re getting the wrong idea here, Fany-ah. Choi’s interested in you. Not me.” You said then your eyes drifted to something at my back. The smile that instantly appeared on your face told me he was back. “Now, I will let the two of you alone. Don’t worry. He’s nice. Be sure to treat him well.” You said not taking your eyes off him, smile still intact. You looked like you did not speak a word at all.

I stared at you in disbelief. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I felt cheated. Even as you stood up and excused yourself from both of us, I just stared at your leaving figure, hoping, praying, that you would look back at me, and for a moment, I could see even a fragment of my old sister again.

“T-Tiffany-sshi?” I hesitant voice brought me out of my trance.

“Yes?” I answered absently, eyes still glued on the door.

“Are you done eating? I-I was kind of hoping you accompany me somewhere.” I diverted my attention to Siwon and saw him looking down at the table with a shy smile.  

‘He’s nice. Be sure to treat him well’

I glanced at the door once more before I swallowed, gathering up my courage.

“Yeah.” I replied to him, flashing an eye smile. “Sure. Let’s do that.”

---

Stiff.

I stared straight ahead as I brushed my hand against his hair. I closed my eyes and welcomed the breeze that went on my direction, enjoying the sensation of my hair waving with the breeze. When I opened them again, my eyes automatically found its way to you. You were sitting on the riverbanks, drawing circles on the dirt with a stick. Looking at you with another person lying on my lap, I couldn’t help but compare how silky your hair was compared to his.

“Kids, lunch is ready!” Mom shouted from the camp site. “Siwon-sshi, could you help me carry this to the table, please. Aigoo~ they’re heavy.”

“Yes~ Coming.” Siwon hurriedly sat up. He gave me a quick peck before running to Mom’s side.

“And Fany-ah?” Mom called.

“Yes, Omma?” I said, not taking my eyes off you.

“Would you please call your sister for me?”

I said yes and walked towards where you were. You we’re looking blankly at ground. My gaze drifted to the images (words) you traced on the ground before I called your attention.

“Mom is calling you, unnie.”

You looked at me over your shoulder, surprised, and quickly rid of the traces you made. When you stood and walked pass me, I used the chance to reach for your hand. You stiffened and tried to pull your hand away. “Are you sure you want to do that? Mom is looking.” I warned.

You sighed in defeat before you finally speak, “What do you want, Fany-ah?” 

I looked at our hands and for a moment, I just stood there and savored their warmth. It's been a while since being with you felt warm.  I missed it. I missed you.

 “I’m still here, unnie.” I said, giving your hand a squeeze. “I just want you to know that.”

You bit your lips and bitterly looked away. A slight tugged of your hand and I let it go.  

“I love you, unnie. I still do.” I called softly but you just walked away like you didn’t hear a thing.

I stood there and looked at the remnants of the traces you made. Even when everything about our bond had changed, I still wondered what 'I didn’t mean to' really meant.

---

Far.

I couldn’t remember when I started looking forward to the nights when I fell asleep waiting for you on the couch and woke up from the loud banging coming from the front door.

Those sound only meant one thing.

You were drunk.

And I would get to see a glimpse of my old sister again.

“So…. How was college?” You asked groggily, breath reek of alcohol.

“It was fine.” I answered dismissively. What good will answering do if I know you won’t remember it when you wake up tomorrow morning?

I assisted you to sit on the couch before I went to close the door and when I turned back you were already flat on the couch, lying on your stomach.

“Unnie, wake up. We need to get you to your room first before you can sleep.” I said as I shook your shoulders gently.

You groaned and opened an eye, looking at me sleepily. “Let’s just stay here~ Watch TV.”  You said with a grin, your voice raspy and slightly thicker than usual. You only shifted to make yourself comfortable, refusing to move from the couch.

I sighed. What else could I do? I knew how hard headed you could be when you’re drunk. I’ve been seeing that a lot lately. 

“Okay. But move so I could have a space to sit down to, okay?”

You did as I asked. I sat down and smoothed my lap. I looked at you expectantly as you stared at my lap while you chewed on your lips cutely. “May I?” You asked, round and innocent eyes looked at me for permission. It made me chuckle. Oh, how I missed seeing your kid like face.

I nodded with a smile, ignoring the haunting discomfort brought by the fact that you asked permission. You never asked for permission before, even on those times you were drunk. 

You plopped on my lap clumsily then I reached for the remote to turn on the TV. 

“What do you want to watch, unnie?” I asked, switching channels randomly while you play with the ends of my hair. “Unnie?” I asked again when you said nothing. 

A pregnant pause.

“You.” I heard you said. I looked down but before I could have a glimpse of your face, you already shifted and fixed your gaze to the screen. “You. Let’s watch what you want to watch, Fany-ah.” You said as you draped eyes with you arm.

I smiled and switched to the channel that played an animated movie. I knew you were a er for those. We spent the next minutes watching in silence (although I was not really sure if you were watching). 

It was halfway through the movie when I felt like someone was watching me. Looking down and seeing you staring at me, I felt a sense of relief. Rarely did I see you look at me now. It was only on these drunk times you did and that eased me, even a little bit.

I ran my hand on your hair, oh how I missed the feeling of your hair on my fingertips. “Do you need something, unnie?” I asked and made the mistake of holding your gaze and letting myself drown in the sadness in your eyes.

“I missed you.” Your voice sounded painfully small, and it worried me. It reminded me of those first few days since you left that man, when you were nothing like the sister I used to know, when I followed you around almost everywhere; waiting for the broken pieces of you to fall so I could put them back for you instead.

You covered your eyes with your arm again and bit your lower lips as it began to quiver. Your shoulder began to jerk and you started sobbing uncontrollably on my lap. I sighed. That was my most hated part when you got drunk; you’re a crybaby drunkard.

The sight was nothing new, but it made me worry nonetheless. Instinctively, I brushed my hand on your hair, like I used to do before, and gently pulled your arm away from your eyes.  “Don’t cry, unnie.” I said but your soobbing didn't falter. Gently parting your fringes, I leaned down and pressed my lips on your forehead. “I missed you too.” 

It was to make you feel that I was there. That  even after you changed and I knew that we would never be like we once were, I would always be there; just like what I promised you. I’d done it to make you feel better. But sometimes, it was the sweetest gesture had that the tears come falling.

One moment you were looking at me like I was a murderer then you started crying like a child on my lap, and before I knew it, you already pushed yourself off the couch and staggered to the stairs.

“Unnie~” I called, eqully worried and panicked. I didn’t know what happened. What did I do so wrong that made you cry even more?

“I couldn’t do this. I’m sorry, Fany-ah. Just~ Just leave me alone for a while please.” 

You were shuffling unsteadily.  I was to grab you by the arm to support you when you held out a hand to stop me. 

“But~” I took a step closer, confused, then almost stumbled backwards when you pushed me away.  First time you ever did.

“Your presence burdens me! Do you not understand!?!” You spoke even before I could say more, with the angst of your voice comes resignation, and that glued me on my feet. “Stop~ Stop making everything harder for me, will you?” Your voice hitched as you spoke. Your voice suddenly sounded so pleading and, it hurt me.

I gritted my teeth to suppress the words I wanted to scream at your face. 'Why me?! I didn' t do anything!' 

My voice cracked and I swallowed, trying so hard to keep my sobs in.  “What did I even do to you, unnie?” 

Don’t cry. Don’t cry. Don’t cry. I repeated to myself.  You mustn’t allow myself to cry, Tiffany. You had lost that privilege a long time ago, remember? 

You didn't answer. Intead, I just watched as you struggled with each step. The determination on your face  showed how much you wanted to get away. Did you hate me that much, unnie?

“Was this my fault? Did I do this to you, unnie?” I asked, fighting the tears of guilt that threatened to fall. A little more time please. Please don’t fall.

“If I say yes... will you stay away from me?” You answered after a pregnant pause. A cold answer that struck me down to the core.

I felt everything crumble down. Lips began trembling, a sob escaped but I gritted my teeth. Keep it in, Tiffany, I told myself. 

“No.”

I held your gaze when you turned to look at me. You still looked like the broken soul that you were, to the point that I needed to fight the urge to just pull you in my arms and comfort you.

“I promised you. Didn’t I?” I said as I smiled, albeit, painfully. It took every inch of energy left in me to say that. 

Yet my effort was not enough.

“I’m sorry, Fany-ah.” 

You held your gaze down and left. 

It's funny how when you shut your room's door close, I felt like you have shut yourself from the world and trapped yourself inside.

---

Different.

“Merry Christmas, Omma!” Siwon entered the house, holding a bag of gifts in his hand. I cringed. Hearing the word Omma from his mouth sounded so wrong. Mom welcomed him with a hug and took the gifts from his arms. “Merry Christmas, sweetie.” He greeted letting go of Mom and walked towards me. I stiffened when I felt his hand on the small of my back but I made sure to smile when he kissed me.

“Why were you late?” I asked as I encircled my arms on his waist. Tight abs was hard, like stone. I wondered if I’d ever get used to them.

“I needed to drop by somewhere,” he said with a grin before he leaned, lips almost touching my ear, “I bought a gift for you.” He whispered as he rocked us slowly while hugging.

“Really?” I asked absently, eyes catching a glimpse of you while you busied yourself arranging the table. I cursed inwardly when I had to look away as rough hands cupped my cheeks. It disgusted me but I didn’t dare show it on my face.

“Yeah.” Teeth and dimples flashed but I didn’t really care. I was looking on his chin, hoping to look for any similarity between the two of you but found none.

“Gimme.” I said, disguising my disappointment with a smile. 

He leaned and kissed my lips again, with passion which I knew I could never reciprocate. Slightly pulling away, he spoke against my lips, “Later, after dinner.” He angled his head and doved, aiming to deepen the kiss. I felt sick on my stomach but I returned the kiss. I needed to return the kiss.

“I love you.” He said with a smile as he held my gaze.

Yeah. Right. “And, I love you.” I said shamelessly, more aware of the increasing sound of clanking plates on the background than the man before me.

---

Stiff. Far. Different. Three at the same time.

All eyes on the table was on me. 

“Hwang Tiffany. Will you marry me?”

---

I waited... even though I didn’t know what I was waiting for at the first place.

Nothing.

“Yes.” I answered.

That night I found out what ‘I didn’t mean to’ really mean.

---

“Unnie?” I looked at you questioningly, massaging my sore wrist which you grip on when you pulled me inside the house, into to your room. From where I stand, I could see the flickering of the backlight of Siwon’s car as it made its way out the gate. I felt a wave of relief. Finally, I could breathe again.

You went to lock the door and started to pace around the room, massaging your temples.

“Unnie?” I asked more demandingly, tilting my head as I tried to see more of your expression.

Distress and frustration were written on your face. I noticed you were gritting your teeth so hard. Then you hissed, “Don’t do it.” 

“What do you mean?”

“Don’t do it! Don’t marry him!” You shouted all of the sudden and gripped both my shoulders tightly, almost possessively, making me squirm because of how tight your grip was.

“Unnie, you’re hurting me.” I said. But as much as it hurt, I didn’t want you to let go.

“Don’t marry him Fany-ah. Please.” You pleaded. Your grip loosened slowly. Then you cupped the sides my face with your hands and held my gaze. I breathe, oh so painfully. I felt like I was staring at your soul and was drowning in them once again. But, not in sadness, this time, it was something else. Something painfully familiar. Bittersweet. A warmth that hurt but not burn.

“But...” I struggled to speak. Words seemed to have clogged on my throat, choking me. “Isn’t-Isn’t this what you want?” I asked, biting down my own lips; lips that I let him, Choi Siwon, and only him touch because I thought that was you wanted me to do.

You shook your head weakly and smiled bitterly, “No, I don't want that, Fany-ah.” 

A tear fell unconsciously from my eyes. I forgot the last time you actually smiled and how painfully beautiful it looked on you. I missed that. I missed you so much.

I watched as you stared at me, eyes and fingers slowly tracing every inch of my face, illiciting sensations I have yet to feel before. I leaned onto your touch,  closing my eyes as I savored everything. My eyes darted to your trembling lips as soon as I opened them, and for a moment,  it was all I could see.

I saw it closing in, moving hesitantly and painfully slow towards mine. I looked up to your eyes and felt my heart stop. Familiar sad yet loving eyes stared back at me and on that moment, I swore that I saw my older sister again.

"Forgive me," Your breath hitched as you inched your face closer. A hand on my nape pulled me in. "I want you, Tiffany.” 

I closed my eyes and let the feeling of your lips molding against mine set in.

Why Taeyeon NEEDED to hold on to Sehun so desperately before will be answered eventually. Actually, even now, you could expeculate why she acted that way. 

Anyway I just wanna share. I'm not qualified to win the contest anymore. Unfortunately, I haven't finished the fic on time. But no biggie, it couldn't be helped. I was really busy these past few days (actually 2013 was a busy year for me, that's why I was on a hiatus for months when I was writing this fic.)

Thank you so much for your comments and upvotes and even silently reading, I really appreciate it. And I'm really glad that most of you like the (uncommon and unflourished) writing style I used in writing this story. I will continue to work hard on improving my writing skills. Thank you again and please continue supporting this fic and my other stories. ^^ 

P.S. COMMENTS ARE LOVED BUT PLEASE NO UPDATE SOON COMMENTS. Thank you.