(Part 3)

Oh Sehun was a bad man. He was a jerk with a handsome face, molded into someone ugly by his faith. Born in a family of old money, pressured to do well in everything since he was young and for the sake of securing their family’s status, was forced to get married at a young age to an older woman he who he was not in love with and his body didn’t crave for. He had a lot of frustrations and turned to preying on young talents because they were naive, reckless and gullible. Passion blinded them from seeing the long term consequences of their actions. They’re needy and pitiful souls, eager for chances, greedy for success. He chose to use them and chose to be used by them as well. Wicked, yes, but that’s okay. At least, in some aspects of his life, he had a choice and that was enough for him.

He was a man who didn’t care. Selfish and arrogant, and thought everyone should bow down before him. He was bad tempered and aggressive, and he will shove anything down your throat just to shut you up if he wanted to. Coercion was his way to feel power and control. I’ve only seen how harshly he treated you once and I knew he had treated you harsher even before that. He’s a man who gave you a lot of pain. In other words, for you, he was a good catch.

---

Rip my heart like it’s a piece of paper. Swiftly.Without hesitation. I gave it to you. No matter what you do to it, I will be happy. Break it. It doesn't matter. As long as you hold it for me.

How stupid.

People say that’s romantic? Those romanticized masochistic lines coated with fake hope and sugar of lies?

Hear my sister cry for nights pleading to forgive her. See her swallow her whimpers back until hurt and ran dry because she wouldn’t be forgiven. Taste the fear in her eyes whenever she looked at you like you’re a ticking bomb ready to explode any moment whenever your mother saw the two of you arguing and asked what happened. Pretend to be blind as you sat directly in front of your sister during mealtimes while she serves your mom food with a convincing smile on her face, like nothing was wrong, like she was not hurting, like she would not go back to that company to see that man and go home miserable again and you’ll see why it was stupid. 

But what’s more stupid was that, when she finally said that she's going to leave him, I believed her. I thought it’s not her pathetic desperation speaking. I thought she was being true and before I realized it, I was brought into the masochistic game she played. When he ripped her heart into two, a part of mine went as well.

---

I woke up when I heard the creaking of the door. Immediately, I sat up and saw you sneaking in. My eyes darted on the light outside and saw Oh Sehun's car pulling out. The sight of him made me grit my teeth.

 “Didn’t you tell me you’ll leave him?” I said. I was glad that no one was in the living room and the maids have gone into their quarters.  After the incident I became more perceptive. My first instinct when I see you was to check for any sign that he hurted you again. 

You turned your head away and muttered, "I couldn't. I'm sorry."

"I'm sorry? How many times has this been going unnie? On my count, this is the third time I caught you with him since that time on your office! Well, that doesn't look that you're sorry, does it?" I stood up and walked towards you. "When will you stop this, unnie?" I said, holding you on the shoulder to make you look at me.

“You don’t understand, Fany-ah. I need him.” You said, painfully looking away. 

“Yeah. Probably more than you need us.” I scoffed and let go of your shoulder. 

“NOOO! Fany! What are you sayi~” You tried to grab my wrist but I swat it.

“The truth! How long had this been going? We had a deal, unnie. You asked me to keep my mouth shut about it, which I did, and in return you said you’d break up with him! I haven’t told a soul, unnie! Even mom! Do you know how guilty I had been because of that? Do you know hard to act like I know nothing about you doing hocus focus behind mom’s back?! ”

“I know. I know it’s been hard for you too~”

“Too?!Too unnie?! You’re saying this was hard for you too when you haven’t done your side of the deal at all!? Wow~ just… wow.”

“I tried- It was just. He’s just~”

“He ed so good that’s why!” I said, losing my cool. It was frustrating. Everything was so frustrating ever since I learned your relationship with that man.

“FANY-AH!”

“Why? Does your say otherwise?”

“FANY, ENOUGH WITH THIS ATTITUDE! I AM STILL YOUR OLDER SISTER!!!”

“THEN WHY WON’T YOU ACT LIKE ONE?!”

“I AM ACTING LIKE ONE!”

“NO, YOU’RE NOT! YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO SET A GOOD EXAMPLE BUT HERE YOU ARE, SCOLDING ME FOR BEING ANGRY BECAUSE A MARRIED MAN WAS TREATING MY SISTER LIKE A ING SLAVE AND SHE ING LIKED IT!”

Frustrated expression turned to that of disbelief then quickly turned to hurt. But sometimes we’re too angry to care. It didn't stop me.

“Unnie, don’t you see that I’m only worried for you? I didn’t like what you did, okay? This whole thing.This-This affair. It’s wrong, unnie. That man has a family. And your career! Your career, unnie. You know you can’t hide this forever. Imagine how people would react if this goes out to public.”

“It won’t go out as long as you don’t talk.” The indifferent way on how you said it made my eyes widen in disbelief. You looked away. “Please Fany-ah. Understand unnie. It’s not about those things okay~”

“If not, then what? Tell me, unnie, so I could understand!” You looked down and clamped your lips together, hands turning into fist. You looked like a guilty child, almost ready to cry. “Is he threatening you? Is that it? Are you afraid breaking up with him will affect your career? Is that it unnie?” I asked when you didn’t speak.

You looked up to me, there’s something about your eyes that I couldn’t understand. It's like a mixture of fear and hesitation and all other things that I couldn't point out anymore. You opened your mouth to speak but  closed them again when nothing comes out. You shook your head, dejected and hopeless. I wondered how bad the reason was, for you to act like no one would understand.

You gave out a long tired sigh before you spoke. “I wished it was as simple as that. I’m sorry Fany-ah. I promise last night will be the last.” You said sadly and left.  

I sighed before I gritted my teeth, holding in the sobs that threatened to come. Tears came down again and I let them. I needed them. I knew the tears would help me accept the fact that you lied to me again. I needed to believe you. Like mom, when she walked away and left you with dad, I felt like I didn’t have a choice too.

---

After breakfast, I followed you back to your room silently. You were bringing out another cardigan from your wardrobe, a longer one, probably to hide more of those redmarks on your wrist, when I entered and locked the door behind me. Your back was on me but the sudden tension on your shoulders was enough to tell that you knew what I came for. You spoke even before I could start. 

“I promise.” You said,again, your voice strained, and I winced bitterly because you sound so tired; like you were the only one tiring on this repetitive process of making you stop then see you start and get yourself broken by him all over again. “Last night would be the last. It’s true this time.” You said your hands unconsciously made its way to your bruised arms, which I wouldn’t have known of if I haven’t accidentally bumped on it this morning.

Slowly, you faced me and held my gaze with such sadness in your eyes. That’s how you look at me most of the time now; with sadness implanted on your face. I thought of that before as a sign of guilt or remorse or any of those other feelings one felt when they realized that they’re wrong and was sorry about it. But almost three months had passed since that incident in your studio, and slowly I realized that that ‘sadness’ which was once real had somehow became your weapon.

Like always, you walked towards me and hesitantly took my hand and brought them to your cheek. You closed your eyes as you leaned on it, “You don’t have to worry about unnie after this. I promise.”

I promise.

How many times have I heard those words shamelessly left your mouth like they’re nothing?

“I promise.” One day you came home cradling your arm, saying you hurt them during practice. Then why do you stink of men’s cologne and had a thick scarf around your neck at the heat of summer?

“I promise.” Again. Then the night after that I saw you putting concealer on the bruises on your arms when I went to your room to call you for dinner.

“I promise.” You say, after I caught you talking to him through the phone, begging him to forgive you and take you back again. 

You would always promise that you would leave him and I would always believe you. I couldn’t help it. That’s what I do; I listen to you. Even when I tell myself don’t, in the end, I would always end listening to you.

“I promise.” “I promise.” “I promise.” “I promise.” “I promise.” “I promise.” “I promise.” “I promise.” “I promise.”

“I promise.” “I promise.” “I promise.” “I promise.” “I promise.” “I promise.” “I promise.” “I promise.” “I promise.”

“I promise.” “I promise.” “I promise.” “I promise.” “I promise.”  “I promise.” “I promise.” “I promise.” “I promise.” 

The number of ‘I promises’ you said were the times I felt like my forgiveness was nothing to you.

I tried,unnie. I tried so hard not to accept what you are. I tried so hard to stomach that bile that rise up to my mouth whenever I remember that not only you’re with a married man who has a twin and a loving wife but also, you’re letting him treat you like some thrash that didn’t deserve to be loved. Believe me, unnie. I really tried.

I held your wrist and pried my hand out of your grip.

“Fany-ah?” You opened your eyes and looked at me questioningly with those sad eyes that resembled that of a puppy. Before, that was enough to soften me and make me believe you again, but not this time.

I pulled you into my arms and held you tightly. I didn’t wait for tears to come anymore (they always did before), because I know that now, like me, they’re tired of this too.

“I’m sorry.” I said as I ran my hand at the back of your head. Despite my voice sounding so small and barely a whisper, I knew you felt it; I’ve made a decision.

You stiffened on my embrace, your hand instinctively clutched the back of my shirt, which only tightened when I started to pull them away. I shook my head resolutely as I peeled your hand off my shirt. With all the love and energy left in me, I bit my trembling lips as I held your confused gaze and said,  “I’ve had enough, unnie. I’m sorry.”

---

“Congratulations, Fany-ah!” Mom said before she stood up and approached my seat. I stood up, welcoming her hug, directing my eyes on the wall and pretending not to see the look of betrayal on your face. Mom pulled away and put her hands on my shoulders. “So… America, huh? I’m so proud of you, Fany-ah.” She said, with a proud smile. I smiled back, forcing my eyes to form crescents so mom wouldn’t notice. Mom turned to you and you instantly put up a pleasant face and smiled. “Could you believe this, Taetae? Your sister going to med school? Gosh! And of all the places, America!” Mom said. She tilted her head as she looked at me admiringly.

“I don’t know about you Mom but I’m not surprised, I’ve always known Tiffany is smart.” You smiled at us, showing the dimples on the side of your chin. I felt my heart squeeze painfully.

“This is such a blessing. Come here, sweetheart.”  Mom said and pulled me into a hug again, rubbing my shoulder as she snuggled closer. “Taetae come here too. Join us.” Mom called you over and I noticed how you needed to brace yours hands on the table as you stood up. You joined the hug, hugging me on my unoccupied side. Mom leaned, kissed our foreheads before pulling our heads to the crook of her neck.  “I’m so proud of the two of you.” She kissed the top of our heads she pulled away and wiped the happy tears that formed on her eyes. “Now, now. Let me just go to the kitchen and prepare something more to~”

“Come on, Mom. You don’t need to~ Ow!” Before I could finish, Mom already flicked my forehead.

“I know I don’t need to but I want to. We’re gonna have a feast tonight, okay? No complaints,” Mom said in finality. “Now, the two you go to your rooms and change into something prettier.” And just as mom made her way to the kitchen, I felt something tugging the back of my shirt. I was to look at you when mom stopped and turned slightly. “I almost forgot. Do call some of your friends over, okay? We’re going to celebrate.” She reminded with a smile and then we’re alone, finally.

All the smiles faded almost instantly. The aura in the room was heavy. “Taetae.” I said weakly, as I, again, peeled your hand off my shirt and turned to you. You didn’t move. You just looked down, biting your lips as you persistently tried to clutch on my shirt again and again. And again and again, I pried your hand away. “Taetae.” I said again, with reprimanding tone this time. 

“Do you hate me that much?” Brittle voice echoed in the room and pierced my heart. I saw tears streaming down your face and I swallowed, trying not to cry too. I knew my decision would affect you like this but it couldn’t be helped. I needed to go away. I’m afraid that if I stay longer, everything that welled up in my chest would turn to hate. I didn’t want that to happen.

I sighed. “I don’t hate you, Taetae, but I told you, didn’t I? You, destroying yourself by staying with that guy; that is like torture to me. I can’t bear seeing that anymore.” I said, softening as I lifted your chin up, and cupped your face with my hands gently, like you’re gonna break if I use too much force. “I needed to do this. For you, Taetae. I’m sorry.”

I released you and turn to leave when you spoke behind me. “I need him, Fany-ah.”

“I know." but I still couldn't help but be disappointed.

---

Silence.

Suffocating silence filled my days in the remaining weeks before my departure.

---

"All passengers of flight~"

A phone rang. 

"Hello?"

“I-I left him... I left him, Fany-ah~”

Then suddenly, silence turn to buzz. Loud, head-splitting, dizzying buzz.

---

All I could think of when I get the call was to get on your studio as fast as I could. I hurried out of the airport, leaving everything behind, ignoring Mom calling me on the background.

The way you sounded on the phone was familiar. I knew it too well and the thought of what you were doing with every second I was not with you was killing me. I remembered the sound of your voice on the phone and I started crying. 

You sounded like me; like the ‘me’ during the dark days of my life, when everything seemed hopeless and don’t feel like nothing was worth living for anymore.

It scared me. It scared me to the point that I was already crying frantically as I ran out of the cab and dashed to your studio.

“Unnie!” I screamed as I barged in your studio. My eyes darted everywhere, searching, and widened when I saw most of things scattered all over and shards of broken mirror on the floor.

I gasped when I saw the trail of blood leading to the bathroom.  I stumbled as I hurried to the bathroom, already anticipating the worst.

“Oh my god!” I gasped when I opened the door and saw you sitting at the corner, legs stretched out, cradling a wounded hand. Your head was leaned back, as you stared blankly at the wall.

“Unnie!” I  hurried to your side. I ripped a part of my newly bought dress to cover your wounded hand and cringed when I felt the fragments of the broken mirror still attached on the wound.

I was to stand up so I could get water to clean your wound with, when you suddenly grasped my wrist, holding me back.

I looked back, albeit hesitantly, and felt a tugged on my heart when I saw how dead your stare was.

“I didn’t mean to.” You said, even when tears welled up, your eyes still looked dead. They scared me. “I didn’t mean to, I swear. I’m sorry, Fany-ah. I tried not to. I really did.”

You began to sob. You gritted your teeth as you looked down at your bleeding hand. The effort of clamping your mouth shut did nothing to stop it from trembling.

“It's okay, unnie. I understand. You didn’t mean it.”  I repeated, even though you’re not making sense at all. I wiped your tears with my hand and felt you leaning into my hands as you close your eyes. 

“I didn’t mean to~ I didn’t mean to be selfish. " You said again, now in a whisper, as you  put your injured hand on top of mine, while your other hand still clutched onto me possessively, like you never wanted to let it go. 

“Yes, unnie. You didn’t.” 

“I let him go.” You said again, more to yourself,  like you couldn't believe it. 

“Yes, you did.” A smile formed on my lips.

“I need him but I couldn’t let you go~ I’m sorry.” More tears fell yet somehow I felt relieved. No matter how confusing you were acting, one thing was clear; that was the fact that you chose me. 

“I forgive you, unnie.” I said pulling your head to the crook of my neck. You sobbed against my shoulders as I rubbed your back. "Hush~It’s okay now.” I cooed. “Everything is going to be fine.”

“Don’t leave me.”

“I won’t.  No matter what happen, I won’t. I promise. ”

“I love you, Tiffany.”

“I love you too, unnie.”

I didn’t know that on that time our I love you’s didn’t mean the same thing.