(Part 7)

Ours was the quiet kind of love. Love that was seen in knowing glimpses and subtle curves of the lips, felt in hands reaching for each other under the table, tasted in stolen kisses and heard in silent cries in the dark. Love that could only be shared, known and understood by two. Love that must cease to physically exist whenever someone else was around.

Ours was the quiet kind of love; the kind that wasn’t meant to be said. 

And we learned to live with just that.

--

I stared at my palm of my hand, counting the seconds and minutes that passed until a loud clicking of the door made me look up. The doctor came out, carrying a chart on her hand. I stood up and looked at her expectantly, feeling a sudden wave of nervousness hit me. Not before she finally addressed me with a reassuring smile did I managed to sigh in relief.

“My last session with your sister is over. You can see her now. I’ll brief you both with the follow-up and the counseling later.” She   said before she gave a quick bow and left. 

Worried, I hurriedly gathered our things and entered the treatment room. I chuckled when I saw you sitting primly at one of the stool with your hands gripping the edge of your seat, like an obedient child waiting for her mother. The corner of your mouth instantly tugged up when you saw me. Bringing down our things, I kneeled I front of you and held on your knees to keep myself steady. Cold hands easily found my face and I leaned on them, relishing the thumb that tenderly brushed my cheeks.

“How was it?” I asked, raising my hand to thread my fingers with yours.

“Boring as always,” You tilted your head as you stared at my face. Whatever boredom that was in your eyes was now replaced with affection held only for me. It almost made me want to look away, feeling overwhelmed by them.

It’s already been a month since the chain that restrained both of us from giving and receiving these kinds of (sinful) affections got broken but I still haven’t gotten used to everything. Everything about us felt familiar, yet for some reason, they also felt new. It’s like now I could see the rawness in them, in you, all of which I didn’t see before. It was invigorating. And though I knew it wasn't right, I couldn’t help myself from wanting more.

“How are you feeling?” I said as I turned my head to kiss the palm of your hand. 

Something swirled in your eyes; emotions I couldn't understand, yet unlike other unknown things, the look you gave me brought a settling feeling to me. Giving the door a cautious glimpse, you bent down to peck my lips. You smiled, thin but genuine.  The kiss was short and soft, almost feathery. yet my knees still quaked. 

“With you here? I couldn’t be any better.” 

I chuckled lightly at the cheesy pick-up line and circled my arms on your neck, pulling you in. “I’m proud of you.”

I felt you nuzzle on the crook of my neck then heard you whisper, “I love you.”

I sighed and held you a little tighter.  

--

“The winner of this year’s Gaeyo Daejun Digital Daesang Award is…. Kim Taeyeon!”

Everyone rose from their seat as soon as your name was called, giving a loud applause. From where I sat, I saw you stood up from your seat, smiling confidently to everyone as you made your way to the stage. You looked as untouchable as always, no trace of that clingy, messy ice cream eater I was living with. Your face showed no sign of nerves; very different from the nervous (more like constipated) expression you wore the whole ride on our way there. You faced the crowd and delivered the speech which you practiced to deliver way too many times in front of me because “Of course I still need to practice my speech! I know I didn’t do much this year but we’ll never know. What if I get lucky and actually won? If I’m to go up there, I’m not going to look like a fool.” You didn’t stutter even for a bit. You stood there like it was made for you. 

There was something special seeing my sister play as the Kim Taeyeon in front of everyone knowing how different the real Kim Taeyeon really was. The fact alone that I could picture something as precious as the true you while I was watching you act in front of so many people on a stuffy award show made me feel special.

“I’m all yours now.”

I remembered what you said after you came back from meeting Sehun for the last time. It’s been weeks since then. The traces of the bruises he gave you had already faded but I could still remember the way look at me when you said that. Unsure yet hopeful. Afraid yet brave enough to take a chance. Your gaze loving yet there’s still guilt in your eyes. It wasn’t a promising sight but I thought that’s good enough. You haven’t properly healed yet, and that’s a good start.

You were spouting thank yous when I noticed how your eyes seemed to wander to the crowd in the audience. Your brows pulled in together and you were craning your neck to see clearer. The thought of you trying hard to find me in the midst of all these people put a blush on my cheeks. It felt nice being wanted.

“F-Fany-ah?"

"Hmm?"

"..."

"Taetae, I'm listening. What's wrong?"

"Nothing really. It's just... Y-You’re going to be there, right? When I receive the award? Not that I know for sure I'm going to win, of course. I mean, I don't think I'm the best out there of course. I think- I think the others were really good as well. Really good! But you know... I was really hoping I would get it this time... And- and itwouldreallymakemehappyifyoucome. DON'T GET ME WRONG! I know you hate award shows and all. I totally understand why you kept ditching me before. You were young and I couldn’t even be around you during the whole show or even in the after party. I really did want to stick around, you know. It's just things gets chaotic and my manager she drags me everywhere Sometimes I-”

“Taetae."

".... eh?"

"You're blabbering.” 

“I'm sorry..."

"Aww, don't pout Tae. I'm just joking. Come on now, what exactly do you want to say?"

"It's really nothing. I just... I just wanted to make sure... You’re going to stay this time around, won’t you?”

“Hmm… I don’t know…” A smirk. “I guess it depends on what you’d wear.”

“I’m serious here!”

“We’ll I’m serious, too! I swear if you let your stupid stylist put you into another ty dress like the one you wore last year, you’ll never see me walking a free woman again. I’m SO going to kill her.” 

“PANY!!”

“Okay, okay. I will be there, okay? Satisfied?”

“…”

“What now?! I told you, stop pouting! What am I supposed to do if you’re pouting?!”

“You make it sound like I’m forcing you....”

“Well, you ARE forcing me.”

“… I’m sorry.”

“… Tae- Taeyeon, wait I’m joking again! Haha! See? I’m joking! Wait! Taeyeon, wait! WAAAIT! I’m sorry, okay? I didn’t mean it that way. Of course, I want to be with you. You didn’t force me into anything. I wanted this, too…  Don’t doubt me, please.”

 “Don’t… Don’t joke like that again.”

“I won’t.”

“…I really wanted to see you there.”

“I know, Taetae. I know. I'm sorry making a joke out of it.”

“And if the dress is really bothering you, I’d let you pick my dress if you want to.”

 “No need, silly. Whatever you wear, you’d still be the most beautiful person out there for me.”

And you were.

In the sea of the most glamorous stars, you shined the brightest.

As confetti fell down upon the stage and the ending music started, your eyes finally found mine. You sighed before smiling at me, the dimples in your chin smiling with you. Yo looked more relaxed as you waved the trophy in my direction, your eyes speaking words that shouldn’t be said out loud. But whatever, we never really need to. 

‘You’re still here.’ 

I smiled back.

‘Of course, I am. I promised I wouldn’t leave you, didn’t I?’

I didn't plan to ever break that promise.

----

You hugged me as soon as the program ended, the expensive bouquet of flowers toppling to the carpeted floor. You felt so small in my arms, the big presence you held on stage melted into a ball of softness. You buried your face on my neck and I put my arms around. 

“You did great up, Taetae.”

I could feel your smile widen against my skin. You only held me tighter, with no intention of letting go anytime soon. We just stood there unmoving as the crowd thinned and the security personnel ushered everyone else outside the auditorium until there’s only you and I left.

“Let’s go home,” You said and finally pulled away.

I nodded and held onto your hand tightly as you led us out,  wishing to myself that one day this gesture would be enough to erase your constant fear of being left behind.

--

It was around midnight when I felt kisses being peppered on my face and stirred awake. It wasn't a surprise anymore; to see you standing on the side on my bed. The messy hair and the guilty puppy look in your face was a common thing to see now, as well as the Jack Skellington plushie and the blue blanket you held flush against your chest.

"I couldn't sleep," You muttered, timid and hesitant as always. 

Only half awake, I pushed the covers, sleepily opened my arms, and waited for you to slip in. You moved quickly as if afraid I was going to change the offer.

I shifted as you rested your head in between my shoulder and my chest. I kicked my own blanket aside and used your blue ones to cover both of us. I shifted uncomfortably when it touched my skin and tried to be subtle about it. The blanket was too scruffy for my taste and smelled kind of funny but I knew you couldn't sleep without it. I sighed at the feeling of the hand that draped my stomach. Tucking your head under my chin, brushed my hand on your hair. I waited until your breathing evened out before succumbing back to sleep. 

It was almost sunrise when I felt you squirming, muttering please and other nonsense. After kissing the worry line that formed on your forehead, I started humming to the tune of Mom's song; the one Mom used to sing to me at night, the one you never had the chance to hear. 

Rest now, my star. I'm here. I won’t let you fall back in the dark again.

If you didn't notice, I hid this chapter a few days after I posted it. I had to make a few changes. Only minor things, really.  (c)Fanart used for this chapter is a work of Jellywing.