The scariest thing about

distance is you don’t know

whether they’ll miss you or

forget about you

-The Notebook

I never thought combat could be so awful and terrifying. It’s not exactly what you learn in history class because it’s one thing to see it second hand than to see and experience it yourself. If there was such thing as world peace I wouldn’t have come up with the idea of enlisting because there wouldn’t be some goddamn bloodshed going on right now.

Seriously. What has this world come to? I just wanted to go home like the rest of them. In my case, it was not a plea of fear but of yearning to be beside my loved ones. It was too late. Before I knew it, I was already looking down at my beloved motherland from the plane window.

What I wanted from the start was to return a home as a great man. Isn’t that why everyone else is here?  It’s a shame that I threw those desires away the day I met Minhee. She had already made me a great man. So mission accomplished right? It was not a mistake to fall in love, the mistake was thinking I never would.

Then there I was with my troop, all geared up, settled at my assigned location where the ground was but little fragments of dust. We camped and anticipated directions from the field officer. Within that time interval, we all shared our stories; where we came from and who is waiting for us at home. Something else we had in common was  we all hoped for a tomorrow.

We soon retreated back to shelter for rest and the first thing I thought to do was write Minhee a letter. I did promise that  I would.

There was so much to talk about but lights out was nearing. I figured I’d ask about her first then save my stories for later. And so, I began to write and quickly at it. I’d send it first thing the next day.I placed the letter beneath my pillow along with a little blue butterfly clip I regret not giving. It was a good thing I guess, it was like my lucky charm.

A week later, the letters from families came. There was an indescribable excitement in the men as the Lieutenant called the names of whom the letters were addressed to.

“Hong Seokjun, Cha Taekwoon, Kang Woobin...” And the list went on.

I sat on my bunk listening for my name and at the same time looking at the happy faces of my fellow soldiers.

“And that’s all.” The Lieutenant said. That was weird, I never heard my name. I approached the officer and in the right manner and stood straight before him.

“Private Park, speak.” He ordered.

“I believe my name was not called, Sir.” I said.

“Then you must not have received a letter.” He said but he must’ve seen my down reaction though I tried my hardest to hide it, “ Just not this time, soldier. Hang in there.” He said with the pat of a shoulder. It was an uncommon gesture but somehow I felt that  he must’ve understood me.

At first I thought positively, thinking that maybe Minhee was busy with college. Perfectly understandable.

And it went on like that for months. I wrote to Minhee quite frequently, well, the days when I was not out in the open and hanging on to my dear life. Though the letters kept coming, I had never once gotten one in return.

It was the same thing every time. By the time Lieutenant had reached the last of letters, I wouldn’t have to look and I already knew he’d be staring at me apologetically. Eventually, at those times, I’d go straight to my bunk and lay beneath the sheets.

The others started to notice. I became the guy that writes and never gets written back. I didn’t need anyone’s pity.

…

“Park Chanyeol.” Called the Lieutenant.

My eyes opened widely as I threw the sheets off of me. It was that historic moment when I had recieved my first letter after a year.

I held the letter in my shaky hands as I sat down on my bunk to read it.

Dear Chanyeol,

Please don’t write to me anymore. Whatever happened between us was but a summer fling. I hope you understand. Goodbye.

Sincerely,

Kim Minhee

Anger and Sadness took over as I crumbled the piece of paper into a ball and threw it in the trash. It all seemed like a lie but for some reason, I chose to believe it. Now It was the end of the world.

My platoon leader later announced that I ranked up and that I had another mission waiting for me at the dessert. That would give me four years of combat and it was entirely my choice to stay or return home. Ultimately, I made the decision to stay. I wondered if I'd regret making this one as well.

My bridges were slowly building as I began to seclude myself from others. I started not to care anymore.Pain was nothing. A mission was a mission. I constantly had thoughts like that but that was until I had an encounter with the enemy.

We happened to cross paths in a half demolished warehouse on my patrol. I was alone since I was afraid of being asked questions , so I went on my own. He was but a middle aged man and he was alone as well. He looked at me and I looked back at him, the surrounding sound of gunshots and explosions didn’t phase us.

One of us had to die... Both of us were scared with a similar trembling in our hearts.

And that was when I decided that it couldn’t be me.

He charged at me with something as simple and useless as a bayonet. By instinct I took his life without hesitation.

There was that sudden feeling inside of me that I still had something worth living for.

◊

As days went by, the loneliness grew. Two days turned into two years...

I just couldn’t take it anymore. Missing Chanyeol was the hardest thing I’d have ever endured.

The only option was to forget him even if it wouldn’t be easy because Chanyeol left a part of him back home.

Kind of a depressing Chapter ain't it.

I bet you guys are wondering what I was thinking when I decided to write such a chapter

but that's the best part of being an author.

I won't tell you.

You'll just have to keep reading in order to find out.