Part 8: His determined mind, His wavered heart.

 

 

*Jae’s POV

Joongie-ah...you found a wonderful person...I’m proud of you for choosing him...as a hyung, I know...and I can tell it that he’s going to make you the most happiest person in this world...his honesty, his sincerity and his foolish love...he’s the perfect person for you...the only thing that left for you to do is to survive...

 

...and in order to make it happen...hyung will have to do what I have to do...

 

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JJ moved around the back of the car and began unloading the suitcases. He caught the glimpse of the maknae, skipping his steps and running out of the house to get to them.

 

“Don’t run, Joongie~!”

 

Joongie took an urgent break on his speed when he heard the warning, slowing down his steps before he continued to walk normally. With his arms twined at his back, he swaggered to the car then cupped both of his hands on the window to peek inside. But it’s hard to do so, not with the sun slanting off the tinted windows. So he pressed his face a little closer and squint his eyes a little harder.

 

“If you’re looking for Jae hyung, he’s not here...”

 

Pulling himself from kissing the glass window, he glanced over at JJ who’s currently passing the suitcases to the maids.

 

“What do you mean he’s not here? Then where is he?”

 

“He asked me to drop him off at the company...”

 

“But...he just got back...”

 

“I know...that’s exactly my words to him...but he said it’s very important...” JJ answered in an even tone, didn’t really focusing on him as he’s taking out the last suitcase from the car. The clinking clattering sound emitted from his bracelet whenever his wrist came in contact with the bumper.

 

“It can’t wait?”

 

“It can’t wait...” JJ paused and took a long deep breath as he straightened up. The clammy sweats hindered him from moving around.

 

“...you know Jae hyung...his job is his love life...”

 

“Is he...mad?” ‘Mad’ - Almost like he fears the word itself, it came out barely audible to JJ’s ears.

 

“For what? For sending Yunho to him? He should be! Why did you do that anyway?”

 

Joongie didn’t answer, sullenly staring down at his feet. JJ closed the trunk and took his shade off. He took the first several minutes to study the latter before he ended it with a sigh.

 

“Don’t worry he’s not...and besides, if there’s someone that he needs to blame, he probably chooses me...you’re the angel while I’m the troublemaker...”

 

“Then that’s good~!”The light flashed in Joongie’s big eyes as he shifted his gaze back to his hyung. It was brief but it was bright and he’s more than relieved. He turned around, ready to walk back into the house when JJ stopped him right in time.

 

“Yah~ where’s my ‘thank you’?”

 

He halted, took couple steps backward and tip toed to kiss JJ on his cheek. A whisper of ‘thank you’ followed soon afterward.

 

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Joongie stood by the window pane, his eyes fixedly focused far out past that big piece of glass, lost deep in his trance. There’s something he couldn’t shake off his mind, one person in particular – his Jae hyung. Ever since he came back from Japan, he spent most of his time at his office, a little bit more than usual to the point that he even slept there – one thing he never did before because to him, family is more important than works. Whether it’s done intentionally or not, he’s been avoiding him.

 

“Don’t tell me he feels guilty about the ring...”

 

The ring...

 

*Flashback

Jae rushed down the stairs and went straight into the kitchen to grab a cup of coffee before he heads to the office. It startled him at first when he found Joongie’s standing next to Hye In ahjumma, helping her in preparing for the breakfast. Being stuck in a small place with the maknae is the last thing he wanted and he wished he could just leave unnoticed. His footsteps however brought their attention straight away to him before he could.

 

“Morning Jae hyung~”

 

“Morning Joongie...” He forced a smile as he replied. He placed his bag on the counter and then moved to the coffee machine.

 

“Give me 2 minutes; hyung...breakfast is almost ready...”

 

“Ah...no...It’s not necessary...I don’t really have any appetite...just going to grab my coffee then leave...” He poured out a cup of coffee for him and carried it to the front with him.

 

Knowing what he did is going to affect Joongie emotionally; Jae stole a glance at him on his way out and saw the clear sadness written on his face. His heart gnawed with guilt so he stopped on his track.

 

“If this is about you sending Yunho to me...I’m not mad...JJ told me that you couldn’t go because you had an appointment with the doctor...” He paused to blow into his cup to cool it off. The tablet he left next to his bag, he swiped his finger on it to review on his schedule.

 

“Really hyung? You’re not mad at me...?” Joongie’s face instantly brightened up when he heard it. With light steps, he hurried to Jae’s side and cling onto his arm like a spoil brat he is.

 

 “I’m just...busy...see...” He pushed the tablet to Joongie’s side to show his packed schedule. Joongie nodded. Of course he saw it...but that wasn’t the only thing he sees.

 

“If you want to know the details about the vacation...you gonna have to wait...but I’m telling you, aside from me making him bored...I don’t think there’s any interesting moment that worth to tell...” Jae finished his coffee after a quick glance on his watch and missed the eyes that were actually focusing on his finger.

 

“Hyung...that ring-”

 

Flustered when he heard the word ‘ring’, Jae unintentionally hid his hand behind his back. He put down the empty cup on the counter and hastily gathered all his stuffs.

 

“I’m late...gotta go...” With a quick peck on Joongie’s cheek, Jae dashed out of the kitchen leaving him dumbfounded.

*Flashback End

 

That ring...he recognized it because Yunho bought it when they’re out together on their date.

 

“Yunho’s already made his decision...so it’s time for me to put this entire charade to an end...”

 

He nodded to no one. Yes, he should. He has not that much time left and he has one big explanation to do before that. To Yunho and to his hyung-deul. He spun around and rushed straight into his closet, grabbing the coat and some other important stuff. He came out not long after that and made his way to the door – only to get through past it and fell down unconscious a second later.

 

“JOONGIE-AH!!!!!!!!”

 

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Fiddling with the ring on his finger, Joongie’s voice rang again for the 9^th times, biting his sanity bit by bit and pushing him step by step to the edge.

 

“Joongie-ah...hyung just going to borrow this ring for a while...I’ll return it to you once I finish with everything...”

 

His heart felt as cold as the raindrops that poured down the window at that time. Never know how far it can gets, he sank deeper in the longing which is getting heavier as the time passed. His desire that longs to be back inside Yunho’s arms again; it came swiftly and he shook it off his mind before it has a chance to consume him.

 

It was wrong. Everything’s wrong. Ever since he met Yunho, nothing seems to be right anymore.

 

His ruthlessly organized life became so disorderly messed up that he doesn’t know how or where to fix it. Even if his heart writhed in pain for loving Yunho too much, he couldn’t even cry. He doesn’t even deserve to cry. Falling in love with your own dongsaeng’s lover is disgusting. Taking advantage upon his weakness is filthiest. Forgetting about facing Joongie, he couldn’t even bring himself to look at his own reflection on the mirror!

 

“Jae-shi...they are here...” Ye Won informed after the knocks. Jae nodded and motioned to her to invite them in.

 

She stepped inside a moment after, followed by several men in suits. She set down several documents on Jae’s desk atop the rest of other then stepped aside, waiting for the next instruction from her boss. Jae turned around to see every suit in the room; those important people who serve under their family for generation – from the lawyers to doctor - staring at him with serious face.

 

“First...Forgive me for the short notice and thanks for coming...” With a solemn voice, he began.

 

“I’ve already prepared everything so it’s not going to take a long time...I’ve signed every important document...the transfer of assets and shares, the form Organ Donation and Transplantation...” His gaze swept from his right to his left and finally landed at his PA, Yewon.

 

He gave her a single gesture with his finger, allowing her to pass them the said document. Fully understood the instruction given by her boss, she responded with a single nod then moved from one side to another; doing exactly what she was asked to. And while she’s doing so, Jae opened up the drawer on his right side to take out a thin bundle of paper that he himself wrote them personally.

 

“Also...”

 

The voice he uttered came out really weak as he’s staring at it – like he’s running out of breath or energy to force it out from his chest – the words that he’s about to say. Slowly he pushed it down on the desk and to them.

 

“...here’s my written will...”

 

The word ‘written will’ surprised them but they did no effort to question it because Jae’s known for being meticulously prepared for every possibility and circumstance. When it comes to business and family matters, Jae’s determination and focus is absolute.

 

But the moment they browsed through the content, they couldn’t suppress their shocking expression as it clearly shown on each of their faces. Jae on the other hand - just like he could predict what would comes next - remain composed and calm on his seat, ready to answer their questions.

 

“It...is stated here, if you’re pronounced brain dead and in the case of comatose, you refuse to accept any medical treatment that would prolong your life span...”

 

“...I mean...we understand if it’s brain dead...but comatose? There’s still a high possibility that you would recover even if you’re in the state of comatose...refusing to accept any-”

 

“I know exactly what’s mentioned in there...because I wrote it...” Jae quickly cut them off with a stern look.

 

“...and I don’t intend to change it...”

 

Jae’s determined decision stunned them and left them speechless. Their eyes trailed off back to the written will slowly. If they heard it right and if their eyes weren’t fooling them, what they’ve read just now is probably the suicide note from Jae.

 

“I want them to be legalized if possible in two days-” Their serious conversation was then interrupted by the sudden buzzed of Jae’s phone.

 

Seeing JJ’s name on the screen, Jae snatched his phone and swiped his finger over it.

 

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With his hand tightly holding onto Joongie’s cold one, Jae the hair off the maknae’s forehead.

 

“He stubbornly refused to go to the hospital despite his severe condition...he’s been mumbling the same thing...that he has something to tell you...that he need to tell you no matter what...” JJ’s voice resounded in his head.

 

“Joongie-ah...just wait a little bit more...hyung will save you no matter what...” He leaned over to kiss Joongie on his forehead then turned to JJ who’s sleeping right next to the maknae.

 

Jae rose to his feet and moved to the other side of the bed just for the purpose to kiss JJ on his forehead. Giving a last look at his two precious dongsaeng, he cradled the jacket in his arm then made his way silently to the door.

 

“You’re going somewhere, hyung?” JJ’s voice put his action on halt.

 

“Eung...there’s still an unfinished business...”

 

Throwing his gaze at the nightstand, JJ rubbed his eyes to clear up his vision.

 

“At 2.05 in the morning?”

 

“It won’t be long...and I promise this would be the last time...but if you need me...” He glanced at Joongie before he continued.

 

“...if Joongie need me...just call me...I’ll come home right away...”

 

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At the look of Roll Royce parked just outside his gate, a delightful smile beamed Yunho’s face as he jogged out of the house straight to the gate; because he could tell that it’s Jae. Knowing Kim Jaejoong and his diverse personalities for almost three months, Yunho’s also aware about their diverse preferences too. JJ would normally drive Lamborghini Murcielago and Joongie prefer to go around with a chauffeur.

 

By the time he pushed the gate open, Jae’s already out of his car. Skimming his fingers through his slightly wavy hair, a simple ‘hi’ smoothly slipped out from his mouth when their eyes met.

 

A surprise visit from Jae is very surprising indeed. Who would have thought that out of the 3, it’s Jae who appears at his front door? It’s like waiting for North and South Korea to finally join hands in peace - to even dream about it, Yunho wouldn’t even dare.

 

“Hmmm...What do we have over here? I saw Kim Jaejoong standing in front of me right now...I’m not dreaming, right?” Yunho lowered down his hood and later jammed both of his hands inside the pocket of his sweater.

 

Jae said nothing in return but just smiled softly.

 

“So what happened? Did you wake up at the wrong side of the bed?" Trying to hide the overwhelming happiness, Yunho playfully joked.

 

Jae took a moment to respond to it, pulled up the sleeve of his long cardigan just enough to reveal his watch.

 

“At 2.35 in the morning? More like waking up at the wrong hour...”

 

“No no...That’s not what I mean...you know I don’t mind it...in fact, I’d love to see you everyday...please don’t get me wrong-” His voice broke off when he heard the stifling of Jae’s laughing...or chuckling. Thanks to that, he’s back to his senses and smiled.

 

“Yunho-ah...thanks for willing to see me...”

 

“Nah its fine...I’m actually staying up to finish up my works...to make up for those times we went for the vacation...” The wind had come brushing over their bodies as he spoke and it was cold. Although it’s not that obvious, he noticed how Jae’s body shivered when it blew over his face and through his hair.

 

“Why don’t we go in and talk more inside...” Yunho suggested, pushing the gate for Jae as he’s inviting him in.

 

“I don’t think that’s a good idea...”

 

Jae doesn’t want to stay for long. The main reason he came is just to say goodbye. The longer he stays, the harder it is for him. Yunho however, mistakenly thought that it’s because of Changmin, he quickly explained.

 

“Don’t worry about Changmin. He lives at my other house. After I found out about your past relationship with him, it’s a bit uncomfortable to face him...”

 

“Doesn’t matter...I’m about to leave anyway...” Jae took a step in retreat, a step farther from Yunho but closer to his car.

 

“So soon?”

 

“I came here because I miss you so much...I feel a lot better now that I see you...so thanks again...for willing to see me...”

 

It might sounds like an excuse he put up to convince Yunho; that he came for no other reason but that’s the truth. Well...partially true. He omitted the unnecessary part – part where Yunho don’t need to know. The part where there would be no next time for them after this.

 

‘There would be no next time for them after this’ - Jae froze in front of the car’s door when his mind replayed that sentence for the second times. The fact that he’s not going to see Yunho after this appalled him. Swallowing a sigh, he embraced his fear and voiced out a barely audible ‘goodbye’ to Yunho. His lips trembled as he smiled.

 

It’s not that long after that when he felt a tug, gentle but insistent on his hand and before he realized, his car keys was snatched away from him.

 

“Y-Yunho-ah...what are you doing?”

 

Yunho didn’t answer as he pulled Jae harshly approaching the house. His action caused Jae to stumble on his steps but impulsively he managed to regain his balance in no time. He quickened his steps to keep up with Yunho’s long strides, obediently followed him past through the gate and into the house.

 

It was not and until they’re inside the house when Yunho finally turned his body around to focus on Jae. Their eyes met but instead of saying anything, Yunho gave him a long stare; as if he’s trying to read what’s been keeping hidden from him. Aside from sorrow, he could see nothing. Nothing.

 

Jae’s one mysterious man after all. Even though he’s standing just a step away from him, he feels like there’s a huge thick wall in between them; blocking his emotion to get through.

 

Are they really in love? There was a hitch in his chest at the thought of not knowing who Jae really is. They’ve been together for almost three months. By now, he should be able to read the meaning of Jae’s every gesture, even the simpler it is. He should be able to guess what’s inside his mind, even the smallest bit. At least.

 

“What is wrong with you?” More like what’s wrong with him. Jae told him that he missed him so much, he should be happy right? But his heart was nudging with concern, because Jae that he knows is not like that.

 

“What? You came here because you miss me? Just want to see me then leave?” Yunho scoffed. That was the biggest joke ever. Out of the three, Jae would show him the least of his expression or emotion. No...not just to him...to everyone...

 

“That’s not like you at all...you are not like this...”

 

 “It’s the truth...” Keeping his eyes on Yunho’s, Jae swallowed down bitterly.

 

“I miss you so much...not just today...it’s like every second in my life...but I endure it...I was able to endure it, not to come running to you...it’s just today...”

 

Jae lowered his lashes so Yunho wouldn’t able to read his eyes, so Yunho wouldn’t see the tears he shed. But it’s hard for him to hide it. Those words he voiced out came sincerely from the bottom of his heart. His strength is withering away that he’s practically weak. If Yunho prod him more, prompt him with his voice, touch him even...he would crumble down.

 

“...it’s different today...something happened...and I thought I deserve some comfort...”

 

“Kim Jaejoong...”

 

Yunho’s heart constricted. His gut’s telling him that there’s something wrong with Jae that night and he could sense it! He kept his eyes on Jae and stepped forward, decreasing the space a little bit more. He raised his hand to reach for Jae but Jae stopped him, blocking his movement by pressing his hand against Yunho’s chest before he could. And slowly, weakly...he pushed Yunho away - tried to - but Yunho stayed still and not budging an inch.

 

It was laughable, Jae thought. He never imagined he could be that pathetic. But he did.

 

“Jaejoong-ah...” Yunho called softly, almost a whisper and slightly throaty. But it’s loud enough for Jae to hear it and it’s clear enough for it to penetrate through the shield to his heart.

 

“All I want is for you to just love me...”

 

With his eyes were on the verge of popping out, Yunho stared at him in disbelief.

 

“What the hell are you talking about? Of course I love you! I love you so much that-”

 

“All I want is for you to just love me...Only me...”

 

“W-what?” Yunho blinked his eyes, utterly baffled.

 

“J-jae-”

 

Jae fixated his gaze intently on Yunho like he was fully under the spell, and then he brought his hand to touch Yunho’s face. His smile slowly formed as he’s caressing Yunho’s cheek, tracing his delicate two fingers just below Yunho’s eyes.

 

“I really love the way my face reflected in your eyes...” Because he could tell that Yunho’s looking at him and not anyone else. Knowing that one simple fact, it’s enough to make him happy. Breathing out, he then lowered down his hand.

 

“I should go...” He said, stealing back the car keys from Yunho’s hand, patted his arm like a friendly gesture then turned around. On his way to the door, he waved his hand in the air without looking directly at Yunho.

 

The reality hit Yunho in a spark of a light the second Jae’s turning his back around. The fear of losing someone so dear to him, someone like Jae influenced him to act beyond his safe zone. It took him just 2 long strides to reach Jae, grasped his shoulders and surprised the latter when Yunho swung him around to kiss him on the lips.

 

It was a long, hard and possessive kiss where Yunho’s dominating it while Jae stayed still motionless. Neither looking so pleased with it nor he despised it. He’s just...stunned. But not for too long. Once Yunho started to gentle the kiss, it stirred him from the shock and the soft pressure against his lips aroused his desire to want for more. To feel it more. And when Yunho secured his arm around his waist, pulling him closer as he’s deepening the kiss, Jae welcomed it by returning the kiss.

 

“I’m sorry...but I can’t let you go...” Yunho murmured as soon as they parted.

 

“I don’t know why...but I have this sickening feeling...” His throat dried so he forced his voice to come out as calm as he could be.

 

“...that if I let you go now...I would never see you again...”

 

“W-what are you talking about-”

 

Yunho pulled him into his embraced, hugging him tightly. He doesn’t want to hear anything else from Jae...words uttered not sincerely from his heart, he doesn’t need it.

 

“Then stay...stay with me...”

 

“Stay with me, Jaejoong-ah...”

 

Jae closed his eyes painfully at the last sentence.

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A/N: Another update~ Please support me by subscribing and comments are most welcomed~ thanks^^