It’s hard.

It’s hard to not be able spend my day without you, taetae. I miss your retarded face when I rest my hand on your thigh. I miss your attention for me. I miss your caring gestures. I miss your smile. I miss your ajumma’s laugh. I miss your dorky sides. I miss you.

First time I saw you was when you and Sunny laughed so hard after put tons of chili powder to some jerk’s food when he’s not paying attention. Your laugh was so contagious that I find myself smiling without knowing. You’re cute taetae. If you pay a little more attention to your surrounding, there are many people who wanted to be your friends or asked you out. But somehow I glad that you didn’t. It’s going to be harder to spend alone time with you than now.

You might not notice, but I like you. I don’t want to be hurt for the ummph-th times so I kind of restrain myself. But I’m thankful that you’re not leaving me after what I did to you. I love that side of yours, faithful. Just like puppy, always loyal to its owner. No, no, I don’t think that you’re a puppy and I own you, I never think that way.

You once told me that you hate fake people. So once I thought that you didn’t like me, even hated me, because sometimes I did that. I put this fake smile that look like real to people I don’t really comfortable with. Once I did that to you too, because you started to make me uncomfortable with that too much loving gesture of yours, like tucked my hair behind my ear. You don’t know what things you make me feel every time you do that. I have goosebumps all over me, especially places that you touch. Not like disgusted goosebumps but I don’t know, almost like when my ex-es touched me, almost. Because somehow this feels different and I don’t know what it is exactly.

It scared me. Frightened me. I hate the fact that I don’t know what I’m feeling, it makes me feel like I’m so vulnerable. And uncomfortable. Like I don’t know what step I have to take. Usually I always know what I’m thinking about, what future I want to have, what step I need to take. But I never sure about myself if I with you. Sometimes I scared of you. Scared that I will crumbled down with just one hard push from you. I can’t have that. I don’t want to feel that.

It’s only been like six months after I introduced myself to you. I will never forget that cute stutter of yours. How I wish we met much earlier than that so we can spend a lot more of time together.

Everyone talks about you, taetae, not always negative things, there are tons of positive comments too. You should be more optimist, tae. They talked about this kid, cute kid who look so cool but just have one friend, that is Sunny. That you actually have an aura that told people to stay away from you and you let a very few of us to come to your life. You look cool with that short hair of yours. Every girl here rarely sport a short hair, and that short, and with that hairstyle. That they wonder if you actually some kind of bad girl who smoke and drive drunk and have hardcore tattoos and doing bad things and have fun nights every weekends. That you always wear that annoyed expression whenever someone tried to talk to you in some friendly manners while touching your arms. That you actually have many ex-es and you always dumped them before they even think to dump you. That you kiss so many guy in your past and you think that it’s normal and not something that we should aware of. That you are a player.

Some time in the past, I nearly believed all of that. You have a really good facial features, so I have no doubt that every guy wanna be your boyfriend or just ask you out to date. I really like your pale and smooth skin, although your hands was not too smooth compare to my girl friends’ but they’re warm and welcoming. And somehow I feel protected when I just hold your hands. It’s comforting when I know I somewhat protected. Although I have a brother who likes to go to gym every single day and he loves me, but this protected feel was different. Everything that be with you is different.

I want to know more about this feeling, about you, but unfortunately you have to go. That letter was cute, taetae. I never know you can be that mushy. I secretly like your nickname of mine. Babycake. My ex never calls me that, so I guess I like it because it’s new, not because I like the fact that that nickname only said by you. Right?

You are a fun friend, taetae. You can always make me happy even without you knowing and trying. That time when we have our daily dose of ice cream was the greatest memory among other memories we shared. And when we tried to sneak the ice creams in to the theater and you spilled it on your pants, made you to look like you peed on your pants. I couldn’t stop laughing at you.

Sigh. I miss those times. I miss you, tae. I really hope that you won’t forget your promises. Although I think that you will forget about it anyway since long distance relationship was never meant to be to some people, especially to me. That’s why I kind of tried really hard to not give you my number although here inside, the urge was so bad. I won’t give you my number simply because I want you to remember me, curious about me, and miss me like I miss you.

How was your days, taetae? Is it fun? Do you still remember me? I’m afraid to ask you this, afraid that you will answer me differently from what I wished you would.

I just really really desperately missing you so I just text you from Sunny’s phone. That’s the biggest reason why I partnered up with her.

Now I regretted it why I don’t just copy your number from Sunny’s phone.

Staring at my phone like a dumb, wishing that somehow you text me. I know you won’t and you can’t, you don’t have my number, yet.

So, what do I have to do right now, taetae? I like you.

——-

a/n : so i thought that its no fun to just hear tae’s story. hear fany’s story bout tae was important too. and now we know that fany somewhat like tae, but still dont assume that she like her more than friend or even love tae. well, its a fun thing to write in fany’s pov. do you notice the choice of word? its more formal than tae’s word that full of ‘’,'’,'hell’ words.

well, girls’ generation concert in malaysia was confirmed. so near yet so far…. what to do what to do…..