So back to ex-es. The first one. Well, he’s a nerd, computer-nerd kind of nerd. His body is like pear-shaped. Imagine it. Like pear. His hand like so small. Not as small as I am though. But I have small hands anyway. And his hands feel smooth. That’s weird. Cus my hand was little bit rough. I played with boys in my childhood and you know, boys never played nice.

And we’re kinda awkward. He asked me out through text message. It feels like dating a robot. Cus it feels like it’s not real. But that’s okay. Maybe he’s shy or what. I could never say no anyway.

Thank god my first kiss was not with him. He was so innocent im gonna puke. We are sooooo awkward with each other. ‘Getting knows each other more’ phase was through text-message. I feel like dating my imaginary boyfriend, digital one, like internet buddies. But he is there, in my classroom, and his words are so sweet.

He said he saw me when I just moved in second grade. Then he was so shy and couldn’t find his courage to say hello to me, so he wait till final grade and wish to be same class as me. And it did happen. So he contacted me.

Well dating process was awkward. How many times I say awkward? But it really awkward because I never really talk with him in real life! We just kept silence each day and I’m not sure I would tell any of my parents soon, I know this won’t last. I just know.

At first it’s cute, shy boy with sweet gestures and words. Shy boy who sooooo damn shy when first hold hand when other force us too, or we would never make any physical contact. So damn stiff when he put her arm around my shoulder, like a stranger want to comfort other stranger. That stiff. And so stiff and hold his breath when I try to move my face towards him.

But it started getting on my nerves. I never want to have this kind of relationship. Awkward one. Are we really dating if we all awkward even if there’s just both of us? I hate awkwardness. At least when I have boyfriend, or girlfriend, or whatever-friend, I don’t have to pretend to be someone I am not. Like pretend to be nice or polite. I want to punch my lover like with no hesitating because I know she or he wouldn’t be mad and I just joking around showing my love to her or him. I want to date like date my bestfriend. And none of my ex-es fill with that category. Sigh.

We broke up rather messily. He pull some pranks I don’t really find it amusing at all. His friend called me and says that he was in some motorbike accident and treated at a near hospital. That really gave me heart attack, like, well of course I care, because it’s only right, right? Boyfriend’s girlfriend should care about him right? Even if you don’t really know that you love him or not. But it is the only right thing to do. To be care. To feel care. To feel panic when someone tell you that your boyfriend was in critical situation. And I couldn’t reach his phone, at all. That’s first time I called him, and he was not answering. That’s ; I could still feel the pain in my chest.

Then moments later he was telling me he was joking. What? Joking? That some you talking about. I don’t really find it funny at all. Aren’t jokes supposed to be funny? To make us laugh? But I don’t feel it, at all. That kind of ing joke, HAH! That’s ing joke was the worst I ever heard. Hah. That dumb ex.

So I broke things up. Somehow I find that accident was my cue to end things. This awkward relationship where all we can do was texting and not talking. So I broke up with him. He thought it was his fault, well, partly, but partly not. He thought our relationship was fine. Haha, fine my . But yeah, to let him has his little pride I played along. And he asked me back, but I refused. I can’t live with awkward and nearly fake relationship. I thought I would kill myself in the process. But I little did cried. Broke up was never good, even if you don’t love him. Broke up was painful, not only for him, but for me too to make him hurt. But it was the best way.

 

And the second one. He was my first’s bestfriend. I would tell him some other day. He was nothing. A filler. A ert. A player. Another text-message buddy. I don’t know what my issues with these text-loving boys. Am I too inviting as text-messager? Is that even a word? I don’t know, and surely I don’t care.

 

The third one was the closest of being my first true love. Close, but not close enough. My first kiss was with the second one, force one, since he wouldn’t let me go home if I didn’t kiss him. So I did. It just skin meets skin. Blah so innocence, I don’t feel anything. I will consider it as not my first kiss. It’s like kissing my granny. Or my dogs. Even I kiss my dogs better. With my third, I share kisses too. But granny’s style too. In the school’s backyard. So unromantic. Because he likes any other hormonal boys, who want to kiss and share intimate activities with girls. And be a kind girlfriend I am, I let him to kiss me. I didn’t feel anything too. Maybe embarrassed because we did it in the backyard, hiding from others.

 

Oh well, I don’t care about boys, they are all same, ignorant. And hormone-deprived.

 

I know the one I finally consider as my first love was Tiffany. Someone that so perfect till I can’t close my mouth when looking at her.

 

She’s what every boys’, well, girls’ too, dream. So lovely. Her nose, her hair, her lips, everything was so lovely. Her touch was magical, it sent tingling feel on my skin. And I act like lost puppy every time I near her.

 

Our encounter was weird. Almost unthinkable.

 

My partner, Sunny, have a girlfriend who has a bestfriend who has a playmate who likes Tiffany and in ‘getting closer’ phase. So when I tagged along with Sunny’s girlfriend to our usual table, well theirs, but Sunny always insisted me to come along, much to her girlfriend dismayed, I saw Tiffany with that ert bastard who eyes always everywhere but Tiffany’s eyes.

So I sit beside her, because there’s no room left for me to sit beside there. Sunny was in front of me, her girlfriend clinging onto her arm like some sick koala. I scoffed. She rolled her eyes. I snorted. She scoffed. I turned my head and sighed. She smirked. I showed my middle finger without Sunny’s noticing, or she did, but she always pretends she’s not. Tiffany widened her eyes. She noticed. I sniffed. She chuckled. I forced a smile. She grabbed my hand softly and bent my middle finger down. I sniffed. I blushed. I stared at the black spot on the table.

–

We got like two hours break since teachers were on a sudden meeting. That ert bastard started to try to lay his fingers on her exposed thigh. I wonder why she use that outfits. So y. So revealing. She scooted closer to me. I leaned back and tried to see that bastard’s face. That bulky boy with tight tees and too much wax on his hair. His face was not that bad, but definitely a jerk. That jerk scooted closer to her. She scooted closer to me. Somehow I feel thankful to that jerk. She scooted closer till there’s no room left between me and her.

I know she’s a good girl because she always answered his question with politeness. If it was me, I would punch his guts and go away. She is a good girl.

 

Finally our food came, that bastard started to eat while keep staring and talking to her. She just nodded and started to eat too. I’m glad I’m left-handed, so I can eat with my left hand and since she was sitting on my right I don’t have to push her away to started eat.

 

Actually I don’t really like people invading my personal space without my permission. It’s rude. Mostly when they touch me and use my body like their own, like lean on me or put their hand on my thigh or borrowed my shoulder to lay their head or push my head or whatever. That’s rude I think. But somehow I don’t mind her to sit so close to me and somehow feel like leaning on me, like I was a part of the chair. She smells nice. And her skin was nice too. She has long eyelashes.

As I continued to eat, she suddenly put her hand on my thigh. I never thought that this girl was a ert. I nearly choked on my noodles. I cleared my throat. I stared at her and she looked me in the eyes.

“What’s your name?” I stared at her blankly.

“M-me?”

“Unless I got crossed-eyes, yes, you” her eyesmile shut my brain off somehow.

“O- Uh—Uhm” my hand shakes like there’s no tomorrow.

“Hm?” GOD! Why the hell she grabs my thighs and her face is getting closer. Damn! I could really start to count her eyelashes.

“T-T—T….”

“T?”

“It’s Taeyeon, Tiffany” I look at Sunny, how I hate that smirk on her face but no words would come out from my ing mouth. It betrayed me.

My legs hurt. Sunny kicked me so hard but I can’t even scream and grab her collar. The spot that Tiffany grabs was burning. Like touched with dry-ice. It’s cold but burns your skin.

Tiffany’s eyes still on me and still smiles to me. I can’t meet her eyes anymore. My hands were paralyzed. I can’t move them.

“Taeyeon?” her voice really like angel’s voice to my ear.

“Y-ye—ye…….-s?” I can’t control my tongue. I wanna cry.

“I’m Tiffany”

“Ti-Ti..?”

“Tiffany”

“Ti—Ti..Ti..ph?”

And she chuckled. “It’s Tiffany, Taeyeon”

“Ti..Tip..? Ph…-Phani?”

She leaned closer and I can’t feel my heart that pounding so hard against my chest. The beats were so hard it would be shown outside like thump thump thump. My whole body shakes.

My eyes could only saw her moving lips playing in slow motion.

“Tif-Fa-Ny”

“…”

“say it, Taeyeon”

“Ti-pha-ny”

“Much better” and she back to her spot before she teased me. I still on the dazed.

Sunny still chuckled non-stop and her girlfriend put that smirk once again. I could only sigh this time.

As I continued to eat my food, that Tiffany suddenly grabs my right hand that lies on my thigh and plays with my pinky while talking politely to that jerk. Somehow I know I could do nothing to her and to my doom, she knows it too. I could never hate it though.

–

So when we finished our food, Sunny’s girlfriend already start to pull her somewhere, maybe to try to her. I wanna go too, maybe to the bathroom to scream and splashed my face with cold water or to the rooftop so I can jump off to kill myself. But her hand still on me, now playing with all my right-hand’s fingers under the table. That jerk still too busy checking her out to notice it.

I feel like my right hand is not my right hand anymore. It has its own brain and start doing whatever it wants.

Sunny snickered one last time to me then went with her girlfriend, slapping my shoulder hard when walked past me.

I tried to stand up too, but her hand pushed my thigh down and her face turned towards me, much to the jerk dismayed.

“Where are you going, Taeyeon?”

“Uh—uhm”

“Is there something important?”

“Uh.. no?”

“Please accompany me?”

“Uhh…?”

“Please?”

“Uh…..- kay?”

“You’re the best!” and she hug me. God. I can’t breathe, I feel like dying. Is this how dying feels like? If yes, then I don’t wanna die.

When she let me go, I look like I hyperventilating, so she rubbed my back and it didn’t look better at all. I don’t feel better at all.

“Are you okay, Taeyeon?”

“gasp! Yes! Yes! Ignore me”

“Really? You don’t look like fine to me”

“Please ignore me”

“Wanna go to infirmary?”

“Please, Tip-phany, ignore me”

“I’ll accompany you to infirmary”

“Gasp—no—I beg you—gasp”

“Taeyeon, you have asthma?”

“gasp—no—ignore me, this will be better later”

“You sure?”

“Yes! Gasp”

“Okay?”

“gasp—yes—okay”

“don’t die on me?”

“God, Ti-whatever-pani, I won’t”

“It’s Tiffany” and more eyesmiles

“Tiff-phany. I get it”

“You’re cute”

“oka—what?”

“You’re cute”

“Uhhhh?”

“it’s true”

 

“EHEM!”

 

“Yes, Bryan?”

“I’m still here”

“Yes, you are, Bryan”

“So, Taeyeon, are you okay?”

“I’m okay, I think”

“Still need to go to infirmary?”

“Uh… no?”

 

“Tiffany”

“Yes, Bryan?”

“Wanna grab a cup of coffee, now?”

“Uh, I think no, my stomach can’t digest coffee too well”

“Dessert then?”

“I’m too full right now”

“Tea?”

“I think I need to go, pleased to meet you, Bryan” and that eyesmile appeared again.

“I’ll accompany you then”

“Thanks, but I got Taeyeon already”

“I’ll accompany both of you girls”

“I have something to do with Taeyeon, alone, if you don’t mind”

“Oh, okay then”

“See you, Bryan”

“So tomorrow wanna meet again? I’ll buy you something nice”

 

I rolled my eyes. This boy never could pick sign that tells ‘ off’ and this Tiffany never could to say that out loud. This gonna take forever.

So I take the action instead.

 

“Tiff-phany, let’s go” and I grabbed her hand and pull her to stand up.

“Sorry, Br-whatever-en we have girls’ stuffs to do”

“It’s Bryan Mcknight, kiddo” I can sense his annoyance.

“Yea, whatever” and I pull her closer to me and wrap my arm around her shoulder and push her to the exit door. She giggled against my arm.

“What?” I said to this giggling girl.

“you’re too cute”

“Uhmm..?”

“And his epic face”

“O…kay?”

“wanna have a cup of coffee?”

“I think you can’t digest coffee well?”

“I think I can, right now”

“You… lied?”

“I’m not!”

“Ouch. Not so loud please? My ears are kinda sensitive”

“Oh, sorry” and suddenly she rubbed my ear-shell. Both of them. In circular motion. “Better?”

I think my face look like lost-puppy. Red lost-puppy.

“Uhh??”

“Better? Your ears?”

“I…- uh—I.. think?” and she giggled again.

“I like you”

“W-WHAT?”

“You’re funny and cute. Let’s be a friend”

“Oh. Uh. Er. O..k..ay?”

“Great!” and the hug again.

–

 

 

a/n : soooo… i can’t help but wanna publish this. part 5 maybe come out a little bit later. cus i really dont know what to write. haha. i think i forget my 1st intention when write this and slowly turn this into angst too. lol. maybe a little happy angst. haha.