Fany.

What can I do to explain this things inside me to you? What should I do? I’m ing stupid when come to this. Every relationship between me and someone always ended up rather messily. Actually I don’t know what is dating all about. I don’t know what I suppose to do in a date. I don’t know how to express myself to whoever out there, moreover to a lover. I don’t know how to kiss properly, all my experience told me that I have zero knowledge of it; I kiss like a stone. I don’t know what topic I have to talk in a date. I don’t know a dating process. I don’t know what I suppose to do to make my relationship last long. I don’t know how to say I like you or I love you in such a casual tone. I’m ing stupid.

I’m trying. I’m trying to understand all of that . I’m trying to search it on the internet, but still nothing was explain all of that . Nothing.

Sometimes I scared. No. I always scared. I always scared that if I don’t know that things our future relationship won’t last more than one month.

I don’t know how much I have to contact you everyday. Once? Twice? Thrice? How much I need to call you, how long, what kind of topic, what time, when? The grandpa Google is not telling me, he has no answer of it. How to love you, Fany? How to say that three words, when is the right time, what kind of circumstance? I don’t know, Fany. I don’t know many things. I have zero experience. All my love life was always this dull, Fany. My ex-es were all stupid too. We are ing stupid. Maybe that’s why they want to date with me, to know this things. All this thing called love. They want to experience it too, to observe what kind of act they have to make. Well, I guess they have all the answer they search, but I don’t. I don’t find anything from what they do to me.

Sometimes I wonder, what did I do to deserve you in my life? I’m nothing, Fany, I’m nothing. I’m not special, nobody notices me, and nobody wants to have anything to do with me. I’m useless, I’m not worth it.

I’m not worth you.

 

Sigh. Telling this to myself won’t solve anything. Just to make me busy for the rest of my day. Just to make me think of something else rather than thinking about projects, assignment, homework, quiz, and school and all other s.

 

I hate schools. School is where students, kids, everyone, act like they own the world. Well, I hate society too. Society is a place that makes me feel like I’m less than nothing. Whenever I want to act nicely to some people, like greeting them a good morning, they pretend they’re not notice my stare. Do I scared you all? Huh? Weird. I think I put my friendliest face whenever I greet them anyway.

 

Sigh. Should just stop to make my life more miserable than it already did.

 

Today Yuri wants to come over to do that group assignment. This is the fourth time since the library thingy couple days ago. the day when I have that text message from Fany. How I miss you Fany.

I can cry like a baby right here, right now, just from thinking of you, everything of you. Guess I just so lonely.

 

Someone rang my doorbell and I buzzed them in. yeah, them. Jessica was coming along. She always coming along, that’s why my assignment with Yuri never finished.

 

“Jessica” greeting her was always hard, she always snap at me, don’t know why.

“What?” see?

“Yuri” ignore the scary girl then.

“Yo. You got nice view here”

“Thanks”

“So, where we should do this assignment?”

“Uh, floor? I got coffee table here”

“Okay then”

 

Jessica was hogging my bed, probably to take a nap. She always takes a nap anyway. Once, I do this assignment in Yuri’s apartment, she ended up taking nap on Yuri’s lap. Sigh. What a distractor. Distractor for Yuri. She ended up brushing Jessica’s hair and not writing this freaking assignment. That’s why I postponed it and do it right now, in my room, so they can’t act like whatever they want.

 

–

 

Well, I’m glad this is finished. Finally.

I excused myself to go to bathroom, but when I come back, Yuri was spooning with Jessica on my bed. Sleeping. Sigh.

I’ll just go to grab something to eat then. I grab my post it note and write that I’m going out to grab lunch and to lock the door if they decide to go home and put it on my shoe rack outside. I paste it on my door. They won’t miss it, will they?

 

–

 

I’m hungry. I think I’m on my second phase of growing up. Always hungry. I don’t know. maybe because it’s different from home, where all the foods are not that healthy like back home.

They cafeteria was beautiful, well, it has a minimalist concept I think. A lot of grey, black, blue, and mostly monochrome of that shades. It has a really big glass window, facing the hills. Good design. I nodded to myself.

 

While waiting for my food, my mind is wandering again. My mind always did this whenever I don’t have something to think. Sometimes I hate it, because it makes me feels bad, makes me gloomy for the rest of the day.

 

I wonder what will I do for my future. I am just like any other kid out there. We don’t have a really big dreams like before. Like wanna be a doctor, a police, a lawyer, an architect, a pilot, a firefighter, anything. Well, before I think about it, when life feels much more easy than now, when I was a naïve and dumb. When I thought that I can reach the moon.

Now? Too much factors that make me contemplating about my future. First was, of course, my parents’ expectation, second was parent’s expectation, third was parents’ wishes for me to be rich, fourth was my dad’s wish to continue what he couldn’t have back then, fifth was teacher’s expectation, sixth was my grandparents’ wishes and expectation, seventh was my abilities itself that I believe was not really good, eighth was I really, really, don’t know what do I wanna do with my life, ninth was I don’t wanna work too hard and gain money a little.

 

After awhile, my food comes, as I begin to eat, I remember how I met Tiffany. Sigh.

 

–

 

“Hey, Sunny” I kick a nearby pebbles as I connected with Sunny.

“Yo”

“Can you just ask her what’s her number?”

“Who?”

“You know”

“Oh”

“Yeah”

“Well, I can’t just crossed her privacy by give you her number without her knowing, right?”

“Sigh. I hate it when you’re right”

“I’m always right”

“Jerk”

“Hahaha”

“I’m coming back this weekend”

“What?”

“You heard me”

“Why?”

“Just..”

“Auntie told you so?”

“Not really, I could just told mom and dad that I miss home”

“You miss me?”

“Well, home is where the heart is”

“Oh, then it’s not me”

“I really can tell that you smile smugly right now”

“HAHA you can work as physic, y’know”

“Shut up”

“Okay, whipped girl”

“HEY”

“You are Taeng, don’t lie to yourself”

“Sigh”

“So, wanna me to pick you up?”

“Hm, not sure, gonna discuss this with dad, although I’m pretty sure he won’t let me”

“Guess so. Just tell me if you wanna me to pick your up”

“Haha. Okay, dude”

“Anything else you wanna say?”

“What?”

“I know you consider me as your messenger, dumbo”

“I hate you, why you act like you know me so well”

“I don’t act, I just know”

“Well, smartass, please kindly tell her that I miss her and tell her that I will back this weekend and.. uh..”

“You love her?”

“Ye.. WHAT? No! I mean..”

“Okay, I’m gonna tell her that” snickers.

“WHAT?! NO! DON’T YOU DARE”

“What cha gonna do?”

“Please, don’t! “

“Haha, you sound so desperate, I’m kidding, kiddo”

“Sigh. Wanna say that face to face, bro”

“Got it”

“Well, nothing to do?”

“I have actually, Hyomin asked me to go to cinema, again”

“I guess it’s gonna be all sappy romantic movies or horror so you two can get all mushy”

“I think so”

“Just move over, Sunny, dump her and find someone else here”

“You know what? I really gonna consider it, any beautiful girl there?”

“Well, haven’t met all of them but here has a lot of nice girl”

“Really?”

“Yea, no kiddin’ there’s this one pretty girl, tall and stuffs but got very scary girlfriend. I really could pee my pants”

“Poor your small gut, Taenggo” chuckled.

“you should met her, she’s so scary, like no kidding”

 

“You talked about me?” icy cold tone greeted me.

“W-what?” there she is!

“Hello? Taenggoo?”

“W-wait Sunny, she’s here”

“Who?”

“That scary girl”

“What? How?”

“I’m asking myself the same question”

 

“So, freak dumbo, you talked about me behind my back?”

“No, uh, no…”

“You lied and you lost your head”

Crap

“Uh…”

“Taenggoo?”

“Call you later, dude, if I don’t contact you within 24hours then I’ve lost my head”

“What? You’re serious? You sound serious, dude”

“I’ve told you, she’s that scary”

“Okay, stay alive and intact dude. Good luck”

“Okay, bye”

 

“Jessica, please don’t scare this cute little girl?”

“Yuri, you should just shut your mouth up and let me do my stuffs”

“Baby..”

“A girl gotta do what she gotta do”

“Sigh..”

 

I guess Yuri was not the one who wears pants

 

“Your majesty, I’m sorry by all means if I ever insulted you and hurt your soul, I’m just mere human” I bow deeply, like real deep. I thought my back would crack and I would die.

“Dumbo, for your information, I really hate people who talked behind my back”

“Well, your majesty, I didn’t talk behind your back, I just talk about my new friend in my new school with my old friend”

“Sica, she means no harm, can you let her just this once?”

“Ignoring you”

“Baby.. I need her to finished this assignment”

“Your majesty, anything I could do to redeem my self?”

“Dumbo, listen, one thing you could really do is be my slaves for the rest of the year”

“What? Your slaves?”

“Baby, I think she’s suffering enough already”

“Say another words, no making out for a week”

“What?!”

“Hm?”

“Sigh, okay”

“What a slave’s job exactly?”

“Do everything I told you”

Well, you have Yuri already

“Sigh. Okay. I don’t want to make enemy. But please let me go home this weekend. I need to meet someone important”

“Let me consider it”

“Sigh, please, Jessica, this person is so important, almost like your Yuri to you”

“I said I will consider it, slave”

“Well, for your information, I don’t care if you let me go home or not, in the end I’m gonna go home with or without your permission. If you let me..” I bow once again before left her right there on her spot.

 

No one told me what to do with my freaking life. I can be her slave and all but she can’t refrain me from meet Fany. I don’t care if she all mighty with Yakuza everywhere, mafia’s boss, or pirates.

 

“Taeyeon, wait”

“Yuri?”

“Don’t mind her, you just need to apologize sincere and she will forgive you”

“Well, too late for it, don’t you think?”

“Sigh, I’m sorry on her behalf. She’s just too fragile, something happened before”

“Okay Yuri, I get it, I’ll try to be nice to her. Go, take care of her”

“Thanks, Taeyeon, I really appreciate you”

“Welcome. Everyone has their own story”

“Thanks”

“Well, see you then”

“Yea, see you”

 

Yuri was a good kid too. Although Jessica looked like to my eyes, but I can feel something fragile between her words. I don’t know how I feel that, but I just did.

 

Sigh. What a day

 

—–

 

a/n : hello once again. im on final weeks. but i never study when im on final exam weeks. architecture student barely study when final exams, that’s what seniors and friends told me, well, from my experience as well. but i dont think so lately. haha. dunno..

hm, please enjoy this weird update. sorry if i make Jessica sounds so scary……. i love her actually..