♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

돌아보지말고떠나가라또나를찾지말고살아가라
너를사랑했기에후회없기에좋았던기억만가져가라
그럭저럭참아볼만해그럭저럭견뎌낼만해
넌그럴수록행복해야돼하루하루무뎌져가네

[Don't look back and leave
Don't find me again and live (on)
Because I have no regrets from loving you, take only the good memories
I can bear it in some way
I can stand in some way
You should be happy if you are like this
I become dull day by day]

♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

                Where is she? Where are they? Where should I go? What can I do? What should I do? What should I say? How can I help? When did they know? How come I don’t? Where am I?

            “Kim Jiyeon.” I almost whispered to the nurse on the information table at the third hospital I went to.

            I’m gripping at the edge of the platform, searching for some support for me to stand up. I’m lost now and I can’t seem to find my way back to my self. I didn’t get the chance to ask them what hospital she is in, so I ended up looking for her on each near hospital.

            “Sorry, sir. We don’t have any Kim Jiyeon here.” The nurse said. I shook my head in disappointment.

            “It’s okay. Thanks.” I murmured as I make my way out of the hospital again.

            I started walking toward the road and thought of what I’m doing. She’s dying and I can’t even do anything to help her.

            “Damn, I can’t even find her!” I screamed.

            I tried to compose myself again. I can’t walk around like a messed up man. I have to be strong to be able to find them; to find her. I clutched my pocket where my broken phone was kept. Now, I don’t have anyway to contact them. I can’t even remember their phone number.

            I started running toward the next nearest hospital; the hospital where I was confined at yesterday. I don’t have any strength in me to ride a bus or to call a cab for them to take me there. It’ll just feel like an endless ride if I’d just sit there and do nothing. Running, which I’m doing now, makes me feel a bit alive, at least. It makes me feel the rush beneath my skin, and though it hurts, it still comforts me.

            I rushed into the front table at the hospital when I arrived there. People were shocked at my sudden appearance and at the banging of the door. I can’t blame them. They don’t have any idea on what I’m going through right now.

            “Is there any Kim Jiyeon here?” I asked the nurse who threw me a worried look.

            She hesitated for a while but then she started browsing through the desktop in front of her. I waited impatiently, tapping my fingers on the table in front of her.

            “She’s at the Emergency Room, sir.” She replied after a few minutes.

            Before I could say anything else, I felt myself running away. “Thanks!” I shouted, too late for the nurse to hear.

            I ran as fast as I can, as if every late step I make would kill me in an instant. It didn’t even took me long to find the ER. It’s like it’s been waiting for me for ages. A figure paces at the corner, before the door. I drew in a deep breath before approaching him.

            When he heard my footsteps, he quickly glanced up and shook his head. I don’t know what that means, but I continued on walking forward anyway. I don’t have much time to deal with him now. All I want to do is to see Jiyeon and to comfort her for as much as I can.

            “Dong-hae.” He called. I tilted my head a bit to signify that I acknowledged his presence but I didn’t stop walking.

            He pulled my hand, which made me stop. I turned to face him with my gravest expression on display. He pulled something out from his pocket but I didn’t get the chance to look at it. I stared at the ceiling and wished for it to fall on me now, just to make me feel numb from everything else. I’m looking for any escape from this situation. I’m wishing none of this is real. I’m wishing that it’s all just a bad dream. I don’t want any of this. I didn’t ask for any of this to happen. I never even imagined anything like this to occur in my life.

            Eun-hyuk placed the object on my palm and closed it tightly. I took my eyes off of the ceiling and stared instead on my closed hand. I opened it slowly, as if he just put a live grenade under it. My eyes widened as the object in my hand came into full view.

            I lifted my head and looked for answer at Eun-hyuk’s eyes.

            Why is he doing this? Why is he giving me this? Jiyeon gave this to him for a reason I don’t know yet and now, he’s giving it back to me? Is he mocking me? Insulting me? Killing me?

            He bowed his head in an apologetic manner and it confused me more. He’s with Jiyeon for the past few days. He’s with her all this time. So why would he be apologetic now? Shouldn’t I be the one to be sorry because I missed the times that meant her lifetime in a matter of days?

            “Why?” I squeaked. I can’t remember how I spoke, it just came out of me. I’m not even sure what I’m asking. Is it ‘why is he doing this?’ or ‘why didn’t he tell me earlier?’ or is it ‘why isn’t he speaking now?’

            He stared at me straight in the eye as he lift his gaze up to level my eyes. I stared back.

            “I’m sorry.” He said sincerely, as if he’s been dying to tell me that a long time ago.

            I shook my head and ignored his words. I started walking away from him, into the place where Jiyeon might be waiting for me. But then, a firm grip stopped me again.

            “Jiyeon asked me to give that to you, together with this.” He said, pulling another thing from his pocket. It’s a parchment of paper, folded many times like a gift wrapper holding some presents inside. The difference is, this doesn’t contain any present, I know, it contains my death.

            I took the paper anyway, placing it deep inside my pocket, together with my broken phone. I’ve been carrying a lot of broken things now; my phone; my fist; my self.

            “Dong-hae…” Eun-hyuk started again. I’m still immobilized, waiting for his next daggers to strike right at my heart. “I’m sorry.” He repeated his words earlier. It enraged me.

            “What are you sorry about, Hyuk?” I asked, in between my clenched teeth.

            He doubted my tone and backed away, but he took the same steps forward, as if deciding that he better die now in my hands than in the hands of other people later.

            “I’m sorry I lied.” He murmured, looking at me intently. His words woke some parts of me. Is he saying he lied about Jiyeon dying?

            I stared at him, forcing myself not to jump into conclusions. It might hurt a lot later if I’d learn that he’s talking about something else. On the other hand, my mind is wrestling about leaving Eun-hyuk here and running to Jiyeon or listening to his words to save our friendship I never wanted to lose and leave Jiyeon for a while.

            “Me and Jiyeon—” he started again. “We’re never together.”

            I was caught off guard. I don’t know if I should be happy because it was all a lie or if I should cry because he’s not talking about Jiyeon being all warm and healthy. I don’t know what to say. My lips are pressed into a heavy line on my face, avoiding any escape of words.

            “Jiyeon only loved you all this time.” He’s still looking at me but I broke the connection. I can’t control my emotions now. Tears started flowing from my eyes unstoppably.

            Jiyeon only loved me all this time.She loves me, not my best friend, not any other guy out there. She was never with Eun-hyuk. They’re never together. She loves me, as much as I love her.

            I gained control of my overwhelming emotions after a while. I looked up to see Eun-hyuk’s worried face. “Where are they?” I asked, in between sobs.

            “They’re there, waiting.” He replied unsurely. “She’s waiting for you too and I think she doesn’t have enough time.”

            Doesn’t have enough time?

            “W-what are you talking about?” I stuttered. Please, don’t let this happen.

            I didn’t wait for his reply. I ran toward the door, which is still a few meters away from me, and found it closed. I started banging on it, not minding the people around me.

            “Hae! Stop!” someone called. I can’t see anything clearly now as the tears started to brim on my eyes again.

            Someone pulled me away from the door, but I resisted. So the person that’s holding me back hugged me in front instead, pushing me away from that block between me and Jiyeon.

            “Let me go! She’s there, right?” I screamed stretching out my arms in front of me, reaching out for the door. “I need to see her!”

            “Calm down, Lee Dong-hae!” the man hugging me yelled. “You’re not doing any good now. They’re doing their best to help her inside and it won’t be good for you to disturb them!”

            I stopped struggling away from Lee-teuk, I realized it’s him when he yelled out loud. I hugged him back instead.

            “I love her. I really do.” I cried on his sleeve, like a child crying on his mother’s shoulder. “I don’t want to lose her.” I cried more.

            “I know you love her, so please calm down. It’ll kill her to see you like this.” He murmured, calmly now. His voice turned from threatening to soothing. But still, it didn’t make the pain go away.

            “I didn’t even tell her how much I love her.” I whispered.

            “She knew you love her.” Someone else said from behind as another pair of hands pulled me to a hug. “She’ll always know how much you love her, because she feels the same way.” he said, holding me tightly.

            I inhaled deeply as I recognize that deep voice.

            I’m back at my best friend’s arms. I’m back to his comforting presence. My very dear best friend who cares for me, who stays with me, who fights with me. The man I never doubted even once, before all of this mess. My moon. My moon which is now returning to my sky just in time as my sun slowly sets down from it. He never really left me. He’s always there and always will be. I never really lost him.

            I cried harder as I realized what I’ve just thought.

            My moon which is now returning to my sky just in time as my sun slowly sets down from it.

            “No!” I screamed again. “I don’t want to lose her, not now, not ever!”

            I don’t want my sun to set. I don’t want to lose her again, although I never really lost her. I’ve been living like hell for the past few days thinking that she’s gone away from me. But I can live with that, as long as I know she’ll still be there, alive. But now, if she’ll go, I’ll never be able to see her again. She won’t be of this world anymore. I won’t be able to be with her again.

            “Dong-hae, you won’t lose her.” Eun-hyuk said in my ear. “She’ll always be with you, no matter what happens. She’ll always be there in your heart, as long as you want her to be.”

            I sobbed harder. “My heart won’t be there anymore if she’ll leave me now. She’ll take it away with her to wherever she’ll go.”

            With this, Eun-hyuk didn’t reply. He know how much I loved Jiyeon. He know better than saying I could find another girl to love sooner or later. He’s smarter than that, that’s why he’s my best friend.

            I forced my self to calm down. They’re right, acting like a mad person right now won’t help Jiyeon live through this. I sat down at the floor and waited for any news about her. I don’t even know what time it is already, all I know is that they’re stealing the precious time I could have with Jiyeon.

            When the door opened, Eun-hyuk was the first one to stand up and pull me up. We met the doctor head on.

            “How is she?” I asked, not wanting to waste any more time with all the unnecessary babbles.

            “I’m sorry.” The doctor started. I felt my blood drain from my systems. “We did all our best, but…”

            I backed off. I can’t hear anything else. I can’t bear to know what happened inside. I ignored the doctor or the calls of comfort from any of my friends. I walked forward to the door as I saw a body being pushed out of the room.

            It is covered by a white piece of cloth. I approached it and the one pushing it stopped. I knelt beside it and pulled the cloth down to reveal the person lying underneath it.

            I started crying before I even realized it. I’m staring at the most beautiful being I’ve ever seen.  Her eyes are closed, as if she’s just sleeping. Her lips are slightly parted and curved on the corners. She’s smiling. A trace of a dried tear is at the side of her right eye. I wiped it gently away. As I touched her face, I realized she’s cold.

            I put my hand over my mouth to prevent myself from screaming. I’m staring at the girl I love the most. I’m staring at her now and my heart still thumps loudly on my chest. I searched for her hand under the white cloth, and held onto it tightly.

            “I love you.” I said, looking at my Jiyeon. “I will always love you…”

            I kissed her hand gently, as if one wrong amount of pressure on her would break her. I stood up gently, still holding her cold hand, and kissed her forehead. I stayed like that for I don’t know how long.

            I felt pressure on my shoulder; gentle taps and squeeze. I heard the people around me murmur things behind my back. They felt my grief and they’re sympathizing with me. But I don’t need that now. I need Jiyeon, and she’s here, lifeless.

            “Hae, let her go.” were the last words I coherently heard before I let Jiyeon’s hand fall off from my grip.

∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞