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넌늘그사람과행복하게넌늘내가다른맘안먹게
넌늘작은미련도안남게끔잘지내줘나보란듯이
넌늘저하늘같이하얗게뜬구름과도같이새파랗게
넌늘그렇게웃어줘아무일없듯이

[Always be happy with him, (so) I won't ever get a different mind
Even smallest regret won't be left out ever
Please live well as if I should feel jealous
You should always be like that bright sky, like that white cloud
Yes, you should always smile like that as if nothing happened.]

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            “I clearly asked you not to ruin your life!” someone shouted. I smiled. Teukie Umma.

            I gently opened my eyes and found myself staring on a pair of bright white fluorescent lamps above me. I started to sit up as my eyes continue to adjust to the sudden brightness of everything, recognizing each face around me.

            “He’s awake!” Ryeo-wook shouted, pointing at me.

            I waved my hand. “Hey.”

            A huge blow of force made my head drop low forward. “Yah! Are you really killing yourself?” Hee-chul screamed.

            I shook my head and said in a not so convincing voice “I’m fine.”

            “Fine your foot.” Lee-teuk murmured, hitting me with a pillow. I shielded myself with my arms.

            “Is this how you treat patients here?” I shouted, still avoiding the hits. “Yah! Eun-hyuk! Help me, they’re beating me—”

            Oh, yeah. My best friend isn’t here. He’s with my girl.

            I removed my arms in front of me and pulled the pillow that Lee-teuk was using to hit me a while ago. I guess they’re as shocked as I am when I shouted Eun-hyuk’s name.

            “Hyung...” Ryeo-wook called again as I snuggle the pillow I’m holding.

            “I’m fine.” I lied to myself.

            I threw the pillow on the wall and pulled off the hospital clothes they put on me. “I’m going first.”

            “Aren’t you even going to explain what happened yesterday?” Lee-teuk hyung asked.

            “I can’t remember anything.”

            “You got into a fight and you can’t remember how that happened?”

            “Ask the guy who did this to me. He probably knows.” I shrugged my shoulder as I made my way out of the room.

            “Hae...” Lee-tuek’s voice sounds like he’s pleading.

            “Hyung, you’re worrying too much.” I reassured them and left, before they can say another word.

            I was walking down the hallway of the hospital. The scent of medicine and alcohol suffocates me. I need to get away from here.

            They’re really worrying too much. Can’t they understand that these physical pains can’t even overpower the throbbing pain inside me? The pain that’s killing me slowly? Can’t they see that I can’t live my life the way I used to because the two people who built it left me already? Can’t they comprehend these emotions that I feel right now?

            “Gwenchana?” I heard a voice asked, and I don’t even need to look up to know who owns that voice. It is the voice I’d respond to even if I’m all damned in hell.

            I looked up anyway. “Yes.”

            “Hae, I have to tell you something.” He said gravely.

            Ha! As if I don’t know! As if I’m blind! As if I’m numb not to feel it! I know exactly what he’s about to say. I know exactly what he’s about to tell me. Maybe, I even know more than what he is prepared to uncover for me.

            “Hajima.” I murmured, shaking my head like crazy, because even if I know exactly what I’m about to hear, it’d really hurt me to hear those words directly from my best friend.

            “Hae...” he pleaded. “Listen first!” he held my shoulder, trying to stop me from shaking.

            “HAJIMA!” I screamed.

            I can feel the stares the people around us threw at us. I bowed my head low again and tried to control my anger.

            “Don’t, Eun-hyuk. I—” I looked up to him and saw his shocked and scared expression etched in his face. “I don’t want to hear it.” I pushed his hands off me and bowed low again. “I’m leaving first.” I almost whispered as I turn around and started to walk away from him.

            I walked again towards nowhere. My feet seems to be dragging me somewhere but my eyes are not focused enough to recognize even a single piece of stone.

            I feel lost.

            I stopped and inhaled deeply. I looked up to the sky and stared at the blazing sun hanging on it like a huge ball of fire, getting ready to fall any moment now.

            The sun. I stared at it even though it burns my eyes. It is covered by thin clouds but its rays still find a way to penetrate it. The blue sky illuminating the light it produces endlessly. I could actually appreciate the good weather now and thank the Lord for giving us such beautiful sight. But I can’t.

            My sun. My very own sun seems to make its way out of my sky, taking every bit of light with her. The sun which gives light to my life suddenly left it; making me blind from everything else; leaving me with nothing but darkness. Endless darkness.

            Even the bright moon, which makes my darkest nights bright enough for me to see-through the darkness, left. He, who stands as my guide and hope during hard times  didn’t appear on my sky when my sun left me. My moon, who I trusted the most whenever I feel lost and weak didn’t ascend to the sky anymore.

            My sun, Jiyeon and my moon, Eun-hyuk. They both left me.

            “Oppa, gwenchana?” a tiny voice creaked. I looked down.

            A small little girl stood at my side, holding a candy on one of her tiny hands, she smiles at me brightly, but I can’t give back the same smile with the same enthusiasm. I knelt down in front of her.

            “Yes.” I nodded.

            “Oppa, don’t look at the sun too much. It’ll hurt your eyes.” She reasoned, pointing up to the sky.

            I followed her short arm, raising in an imperfect slope, then her little finger pointed at something on the sky and, at last, on the thing she’s pointing at; the sun.

            I stared at the sun again, trying to understand what this little girl just said.

            “Don’t stare at the sun too much. It’ll hurt your eyes.”

            But no matter how hard I try, I can’t keep my eyes off it. I can never take my eyes off it. My sun. I’ve only looked at her for the past few years. I can’t turn around even though I know exactly that I’ll be hurt if I’d continue like this, because she’s the only girl I’d look at. The only woman who’ll capture my eyes like this. My woman.

            A pair of small hands blocked the sight in front of me, covering my eyes fully with its small soft palms. I gently removed them, pulling them downwards and looking at the little girl again, smiling a little.

            “But don’t you find the sun intimidating and amazing?” I asked her, still kneeling down in front of her and holding both of her tiny hands between mine.

            The little girl in front of me looked up at the sky and I just watched her. A full second hasn’t even passed when she looked down at me again.

            “But it still hurts my eyes.” She said, rubbing her eyes. “I think there’s other amazing things around.” She continued, nodding to herself as if giving justification to what she just said. She pushed the candy she’s holding forward and smiled. “Like this.”

            I smiled back, and it felt weird.When did I last smile? “Ani. There’s nothing like the sun in this world.” I smiled again.

            The little girl tilted her head on one side and she seems to be lost for a while. I pat her head gently.

            “Gwenchana.” I said. “Maybe you just can’t understand me now. Maybe your sun is that candy in your hand.”

            She stared at me more, confused. And then she looked down at the candy in her hand. “You can have my sun then!” she offered. “So that you won’t have to look at the true sun and hurt your eyes.”

            This surprised me. She gave the candy to me and she hopped away gleefully. I stared at the candy given to me and stood up.

            “Komawo.” I murmured, too low for the little girl hopping away to hear.

            I stared at the candy on my hand for I don’t know how long, thinking of what the little girl said; thinking of the events that just happened in my life.

            If only I could give Jiyeon to Eun-hyuk just like the way the little girl gave me her candy, then things could’ve been better. But she’s not a candy to be given away. She’s not a thing to be ignored. She’s my everything; my life; my present and future; my whole self.

            I unwrapped the candy and started on eating it. I tasted its sweet flavor; the tangible existence of my past ecstatic pleasure. But it can not give me the same effect now. It can’t make me happy now.

            Being annoyed at my own bitterness, I looked around.

            A small river lays peacefully a few feet away from me. A bridge-like structure of stones was on the middle of it. Benches and flowers are all over the place too. Lovers went by, hand in hand, past me.

            It’s the park where me and Jiyeon celebrated our first year anniversary. It’s the place where I trusted her my whole life with. It’s the place where I gave her the locket with our names engraved on it, as a sign of my pledge of love for her.

            I smiled bitterly to myself and started walking again, passing by happy couples by another happy couples. But at least now, I know where I’m going.

            I’m going home, back to my room. Back to my sanctuary to hate myself more instead of anybody else. I don’t want to hate Jiyeon and I don’t want to hate my best friend.

            When I arrived at the dorm, no one is home. It’s empty and it’s creepy.

            I went straightly to the kitchen to grab something to drink when I noticed a note on the fridge.

Be home late.

With Jiyeon.

            -Jae

            My blood boiled inside me. I have to put all of my effort so as to avoid hitting the fridge. Lee-teuk hyung won’t be happy if he’ll see our fridge ruined and not working anymore. I charged slowly to my room, taking slow step by slow step, as if my feet would crash the floorboards if I’d hasten up my pace. I banged the door shut behind me when I finally got there. Then things started flying around me.

           Pillows, blankets, clothes, picture frames, pictures, posters, glasses, mirror, vases, books, shelves; everything. I’m screaming at the top of my lungs, enraged on what I’ve just read. It seems to echo in my head over and over again.

Be home late.

With Jiyeon.

            -Jae

            When my hands failed to reach out for something to throw or smash again, I felt myself falling down. It’s like a huge, heavy burden was added on my already heavy cargo, forcing me to kneel down and beg for my life.

Be home late.

With Jiyeon.

            -Jae

            I held my head, forcing it to stop spinning; to stop hurting; to stop functioning. As I do so, I felt that familiar thick substance on my face. I guess some of my wounds reopened again.

            I succumbed into silence, wanting everything to be blurred away by the sound of my tired heart beating hardly inside me.

            The words are like poison, making me hate the two person I love the most. But I still can’t hate them, because I love them.

∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞