Chapter 14. When Time Stopped

Have you ever had that beautifully devastating kind of love? The kind that it’s so painful yet so beautiful you won’t regret it happened. The kind that, despite the pain, you still hang on to that love knowing that in the end you will get hurt.

That was what his love meant to me— devastatingly beautiful.

The love that we had for each other destroyed us both. The love that we hang on to no matter how painful it was becoming for both of us. We forced ourselves to it even though it was weighting us down. We were like on the same pole of the magnet forcing to connect yet always veered away from each other.

We forced ourselves— I guess, that was the problem.

In time, we both realized that we could never be in the opposite poles.

That day was normal, too normal that it scared me. We spent one Saturday like we were having a farewell trip— like we both knew it was the last we would ever have. For once, I let go of my fears, doubts and everything that would usually come to me whenever we would be happy like that day. He woke me up early in the morning and said he wanted to jog by the river. When the morning heat started to get more cruel, we decided to have a late breakfast at one of the snack shacks. Afterwards, we went to a temple outside the city.

I prayed beside him. I prayed for our future. I prayed for me. I prayed for him—I prayed for us.

Surprisingly, there was this calm that enveloped me. Like a warm embrace of acceptance of what would come to us. The future that I feared that lingered was now here— surprisingly, I knew that.

Maybe I had known that for a long, long time now. I was just waiting for this turning point after all.

Yoona was right, I was living in my time loop and he was held captive there. But she was wrong— I did love him.

I do love him.

I knew in my heart that one day we would separate again. I knew that there was really no future for us ahead in this path that we were taking. But I knew too that I would go on loving him even if we were apart.

That day I told him how much I loved him before we were ready to leave the temple. The courage I had as I stared into his eyes surprised me.

“I love you,” I said. “If words are not enough, what can I do more?”

“Just that,” he said, “Love me in a way that you know. That’s all I ask.”

I nodded understanding what he meant. After all, that was what he wanted— for me to love him in the best way I know.

After that, we went home and almost lazily spent the remaining time of the day. If I could compare it to something, it would be like answering what we would do if it was our last day on earth. We just. That was it—we just…

It was not even bittersweet. It was—just.

I made love to him that night. Slowly, lingering, etching forever in my heart. I fell asleep in his arms wrapped around me like a protective shell— like an armor that could never allow anything to hurt me— even himself.

“Hyun, wake up…”

I woke up in his voice, deep and determined yet afraid.

His kiss compelled me to open my eyes. I looked at him and saw the uncertainty in those pools. I rubbed my hand on my face trying undo the pain it had caused me. “What time is it?” I asked instead as if buying time for myself— to lag at the inevitable.

“2:22…” he replied.

2:22.

I knew then that I would be awaken at this time every day for the rest of my life. Two twenty-two a deafeningly foreboding time.

“Hmmm… why?” I asked softly as I sat facing him.

Then, as if my fear had taken shape, he opened his palm and revealed something that made me both thrilled and afraid. The way he looked reflected my own thoughts— confusion. He looked unsure of something. I felt the very same thing as my eyes dragged back and forth on the ring in his open palm and on his face hardened by that uncertainty.

He smiled finally, only the kind that didn’t speak of happiness— it was out of fear, “Let’s get married.”

The words I was dreading to hear. Weird as it was, many would be dying to be in my shoes, to be asked this very same proposition. It was like a once-in-a-lifetime thing. Without knowing it, my legs folded up to my body like I was cowering from this momentous event. Like I was very insecure and afraid. I sighed hugging my legs and resting my chin on my folded knees.

“Hyun… I love you.”

He spoke in response to my silence. He knew, he probably knew.

My head lifted and I looked back at him, my head shaking silently. It was painful, it was the most painful thing I ever did in my life. That day that I walked out of his life because of his infidelity was the most painful part of my life, so I thought.

But I was wrong.

This was the most painful. This is the most painful.

I was walking away but not because of him. Because of me.

“I… can’t,” I finally managed to say.

Oppa looked crushed, the pain was reflected in his eyes I could barely look at him. I didn’t want to see him that way. I didn’t want to know I was the cause of his devastation.

“Do you want to break up with me again?”

He spoke softly like speaking to a child, knowing already the answer yet asking— confirming. I didn’t answer. I didn’t ever want to say it.

“Hyun, do you want another time… away… from me?”

He asked again. The pain was slowly coiling and recoiling in the pits of my stomach. I shook my head. I just wanted him to stop. I just wanted to reset my time loop. I just—

“Is it—“

The rin