Chapter 7. The Meaning of Happiness

Months passed then another year. It was really better days— the best that I have had with him.

I graduated, took a small job at an ad company in Seoul. He went to military service. It was all normal. We were normal.

Until that one fateful day.

It all crumbled down.

Looking back, I couldn’t seem to remember how I survived the first few months of it. Yoona was there, and Sooyoung despite how sorry she was that it all ended. Nobody knew what happened. I carried it inside for so many years. Drawing strength from the fact that it was all for the good.

In the end, I couldn’t keep him.

I let him go without words. That was the last straw. The last chance had ended.

Another life began.

He reached out for me, through Sooyoung, through some of our common friends— the ones we made while being together. I couldn’t anymore. I couldn’t give him anymore chance to see me, to explain, to apologize. It was all there is to it.

I took the time of being new to really be that— be new. I broadened my horizon, aimed to achieve my dreams and be the better version of myself I could ever be.

Despite what happened, I attempted to give love a chance. I dated, not too many but just a few. Just to give love a fighting chance and still believe in it.

I banished the thought of him. I banished the feeling that seemed to poison my veins— the ones that would make me cry silently in the darkness of my room with a glass of wine cradled close to my body.

I tried to love but they never seemed to work.

I couldn’t… love another.

~~~

 A new year passed and I received a good news from my dear friend Sooyoung. She was getting married; a special occasion I couldn’t miss but I was having second thoughts in coming at first until she talked to me.

“He will be there. Would you be okay with that? I couldn’t ask him not to—”

I knew what she was going to say but it would be selfish of me. She had been one of his closest friends. I shook my head, “I can handle myself.”

I couldn’t be more wrong.

Being prepared to see him was actually out of the question. I will never be ready. I’ve never seen him since that… time. There was no opportunity to test my reaction once I saw him again and seeing him in a public place with people who knew us scared me. I knew I became stronger but I could break.

I didn’t want to break especially when people are watching.

Then there was the man I was recently dating.

The only best way to handle the situation was to stay out of his way and leave as soon as I could.

I thought it was easy until I saw him.

My boyfriend said something— funny maybe, I could not really recall because my memory was clouded by the suddenness of that moment my gaze drifted to that familiarity. Somehow, in my subconscious, I was seeking him in the crowd.

His eyes were already trained on me like he had been watching me. My heart dipped into the deepest pit of my being. He looked different, like he was tired, like he had aged too soon even though only a few years passed between us.

Then, there was his eyes staring at me like begging for something he already knew he had— as much as I wanted to deny it.

The longing as I saw in him crushed me so hard I couldn’t breathe.

I left the party abruptly.

I didn’t really break in front of