Chapter 8. When It Begins Again

I gave it a thought.

I opened my mind to the possibility that one day he would just come out of nowhere and talk to me. Admittedly, I had been lonely. I build this sphere around me that nobody else could enter.

I could never erase the way I imagined what he told Sooyoung that one day he would want to see me with another man— with a family. It was a bittersweet thought even to me. The thought brought that ache inside me simply because I wanted him to be that man. And then it would also cross my mind that what if it was him? What if I saw him in the future with a woman who looked happy and loved?

It was even more painful.

I asked my friend if she thought he was the only one who could make me happy. The answer I got came not from her but me. And it was a resounding yes. I wanted to be happy maybe he was the one  who could really make me that. I was happy when I was with him. It was a different kind of happiness— encompassing, blinding.

Yes, I knew and I admitted that love blinded me.

And the thought that I would allow myself to be blinded again disgusted that small part of me but the rest— ecstatic.

Overjoyed and afraid.

If this happened to someone else, I would probably think to myself ‘what stupidity’ but to my defense, we all react to things differently. In the end, I told Yoona my thoughts and, as expected, she was appalled.

“Are you crazy?!”

“If this happened to you, you—”

“I will never allow any of that to happen to me…”

I nodded thoughtfully, “You can say that easily.” Anybody can say that easily, but me— or others like me. I chose to be blinded in the past. I decided to open myself to the possibility of going through all of it again. It will never be an easy decision. Only one thing is certain: I want to be happy even if I have to go through all of it again. With that thought, I added calmly, “Then, I’m a fool…”

“Haven’t you had enough?”

I shrugged.

“Aren’t you tired of fighting?”

“I don’t know…” I smiled. The pain of surrender rushed through me, coursing through my veins, coiling in my stomach, making my heart clench, “I’ll probably stop the fight when the time comes that I no longer have this love for him.”

Yoona didn’t say anything to that at the beginning but she answered with a smile and a small tap on my shoulder, her way of finally succumbing to my decision.

“Thank you,” I murmured. Truly, I’m thankful for having her in my life, through my ups and downs—sanity and insanity.

She rolled her eyes with a soft laugh. We were silent for a moment until she sighed heavily, “It’s amazing what love can do to people.” My bestfriend’s smile faded as she went on, “It’s distressing what people do to love.”

~~~

Waiting was the hardest. I held on to Sooyoung’s word that he would come knocking on my door. It took a while that I was even on the verge of giving up. I told myself everything my friend said was not true. That he didn’t ask about me.

That he wasn’t the saddest person she knew.

I couldn’t tell which was more painful.

I put my hopes up, every day I was waiting.

Every night I was crying.

Until one afternoon.

“Seohyun-ssi, there’s a Jung Yonghwa here for you—”

The voice of my assistant on the intercom was muffled by the beating of my heart.

“Hello?”

I swallowed hard as I opened my eyes again then replied softly, “I’m still here…”

“He doesn’t have an appointment.”

“Tell him to wait. I will be there in a moment.”