Chapter 9. Here’s Where We Begin

Yonghwa’s POV

“Go talk to her.”

Sooyoung said the third time he caught me drinking alone. I shrugged, “She will never talk to me again.”

“How would you know if you don’t try?”

Sneering, I gulped the soju down then banged the small glass on the table, “I tried… you have no idea. Besides, I would only hurt her…”

“Would you?”

I closed my eyes. I always ended up hurting her. I just want her to be happy this time. I smiled and looked at my friend, “How is she? Does she look happy?”

Sooyoung sighed, “She is like you… acting like you are happy. You better talk to her. Apologize, whatever it was that you did.”

I shook my head. What I did was unforgivable, but I didn’t say that out loud.

“I told her that you stopped dating.”

I lifted my gaze at her and frowned. That wasn’t true at all. I tried to before because, I thought, it was a gauze to my wound. But I only ended up hurting not only myself but others.

Then I stopped when I realized that nothing could cure me.

I was sick inside.

Regret was poisoning my veins. The mistake I made to her was a constant reminder that I was dead inside.

Her absence in my life created a vacuum in my soul.

“Yonghwa, stop this… both of you, you should stop this. You are both miserable. You love her.”

“I don’t. We don’t hurt the people we love.”

“You are human, you make mistakes. You made those mistakes. It’s time to face those shadows. Own up to your sins.”

Could I do it? Sooyoung said she was miserable. I could live with misery but knowing she was feeling that way tore me. The fear actually consumed me. I knew in my heart that I would never hurt her again— that was why I stayed away.

But I love her.

Perhaps it would set us both free if she gave me her forgiveness. If she could forgive me then maybe she would be healed from that misery. Then she would be happier— I want her to be truly happy.

If she could forgive me, then maybe… just maybe, we could love again.

I shook my head. The most important thing now was for her to forgive. I knew it would be hard for her but I wanted to try to get that from her. She already gave me so much in the past and I just threw them all away and this time I would be asking again.

My eyes pinched tight.

I would love her forever, that was the only way I could repay her.

~~~

That day I gathered all the courage to see her. A client was close to where she worked. After my meeting, I walked to the streets and gazed up at the building where she was surely in. She was there, so close to me. The last time I got too close was when I saw her on the streets. She was shopping with Yoona. I walked on their trail like a crazy stalker. I didn’t mean to walk up to her— I just wanted to be near her, in her zone, breathing the same air, seeing what she sees.

And now, as I looked up, fear crept inside me. Would she ever talk to me?

Would she ever forgive me?

I was palpitating inside the lobby. I hid my shaky hands when I got inside the elevator. I tried not to stammer when I talked to her secretary.  

The seconds ticked by into agonizing minutes she remained inside that closed door. It was only for a few minutes but it felt like eternity. Her assistant said she would come out in a moment. The longer it took for that moment to happen, the longer my longing became. I was a mix of this and that—hopeful and anxious. I was afraid she would change her mind. I was afraid she would tell me to go.

But she came out, walked out that door and I got another chance.

~~~

It was always a shot in the dark whenever I would ask her out— never expecting her to say yes, never expecting myself to be with her. But she would always agree and I didn’t really want to read too much from it. I just wanted her to be comfortable with me again.

To at least be a friend.

That time she told me she was going on a date, my heart fell. That whole evening I couldn’t stop thinking about her. What if he made her smile? What if he made her laugh? What if he made her fall for him?

All those thoughts were painful especially when I tried telling myself he could be the one who would take away her miseries. I just wanted her to be happy. And I should be happy for her, I should be relieved.

Only that I wasn’t.

I woke up the next morning to find myself in the very same spot I slumped myself into the night before. The bottle of whiskey rolled by my feet. My head hurt from hangover. I sniffed.

Aside from drinking myself to sleep, I realized I cried myself to sleep as well.

I knew I was being punished.

When my sanity re