[[LEE JOON(CHANGSUN)'S PERSPECTIVE(P.O.V.)]]

Going for this route to the company was, by far, the iest choice that I have ever made in my whole entire life. This was, of course, just a figure of speech. I heaved a big sigh, closing my eyes and massaging my temples for a while. I HAVE made decisions far worst than this, worst by a multitude. That was leaving Sanghyun, my best friend and my...

I shook my head, trying to forget what I was about to think. What did I want to say? I keep asking myself, but in reality, I knew exactly what Sanghyun is to me, other than being my best friend.

Ever since I left, I never, ever, forgot Sanghyun. Being away, everything seemed to remind me of him. His smile. The way he turned red whenever I . His warm embrace. The scar on his left arm from an accident. The way he laughed like a machine gun. His cheeks. His everything. I remember everything. I hated it. It seemed that even God did not approve of what I did that autumn day. I want to forget. Forget about everything that has happened between us. I mean, I tried to, but a part of me, a big part of me just seemed to not want to let go of my cherished memories of him.

Maybe this was some sort of punishment, because of what I did. Ghosts of the past haunting me at present. Maybe he's furious at me. Maybe he got so angry at me that he forgot about me. That was what I'd want him to do.

I felt a lump in my throat and swallowed, familiar emotions of guilt coming to me whenever I thought of him. Yet, I knew that he was not that kind of person. I knew that he cried when I left, he cried thinking if I'm okay. Call me conceited but he is like that. He WAS always like that. And it pained me to imagine him so.

I hated idle moments like this. I'd always keep myself busy, because when I let my mind wander, my thoughts will always, inevitably, wander back to him. 

The traffic eased a little bit, and I saw, at some distance in front of me, was a traffic accident. I gripped on the wheel hard. Aish.

My family always had problems. We were never a happy family. My parents always fought. It wasn't only verbal, but they seemed to take it on a more physical level, and they would always, always, involved me in it. I would come to school bruised and battered, and everyone would always avoid me. Everyone except for that perky dongsaeng. 

His mom would always tend my injuries whenever Sanghyun would force me to stay at their house. I had pride, of course, but Sanghyun was one forceful kid, and I would only oblige. His mom was a single parent, and I knew that our families had similar problems, but I thought that Sanghyun's mom did the right thing, leaving. They, no, we, were happy that way. Their home would always be my refuge, my moment of happiness in my harsh reality.

He never pitied me. The days we spent together, he treated me as a hyung, not a poor, battered-up hyung, but a normal hyung. Days passed and I would know something about him. His company turned to a time I looked forward the most. There was this desire within me that grew day by day, something that he did not notice because he was too young and naïve at that time. But I kept it secret, and I would tell him at the right time.

Then there was the time where my parents kicked me out of the house. They were shouting at each other, calling each other names, my mother crying, as my father held a fist, gripping my mother's hair. I had enough at that time. I tried to intervene. I got hurt in the process, I knew that I had no power over this. After that, my mother decided to make me leave. I just stared at her, confused. She said that I should go to Seoul, I should go to our relative's place and never come back. I asked what was going to happen to her. She only smiled and said she would be fine and she would follow me there after some time.

It was an act of cowardice, I know. But it was something that already happened. No turning back.

Before that, I saw Sanghyun one last time, before we went to school. He was an awful airhead when it was autumn. He always had this affinity with the season. But I thought autumn was the season that fit him the most, the wind that blew his hair, the dark leaves that contrasted his skin. Just like that, I told him my secret. I blurted it out at that time, and I panicked. But he didn't seem to have heard it, he wasn't paying attention at that time. I thought I was lucky, that I was saved. He had not heard it. I just smiled the whole way back then.

That was the last time I saw him.

My long reverie ended when I realized, barely, that the heavy traffic already eased up. I felt something cold on my cheek and I realized I was crying. I quickly mopped up my tears wit my sleeve and drove to the company.

My secret was never told. I intended it to, anyway.

I love him in a way that I would want to cherish and protect him, for the rest of my life. Yet, there was this part of me that wanted to push him down, make him scream my name and say he belongs to me and I to him. I felt disgusted with myself for thinking that. I couldn't tell him this a second time, because I knew it was wrong. Someone as pure as Sanghyun deserves someone better than me. A woman. Not a man. Just when I think that everything is existentially wrong, I realized that there was only one thing that I proved to be correct.

I loved him. Heck, I still do, after all these years. 

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Chapter 6. T_T

Joonie loves Doongie. Huhuhu. I hate myself for hurting him. Ughhhh. But things will come to light later in the story. Stay tuned. ;)

God, this was a long narrative. I'm sorry. T.T Again, thi is written in Joonie's POV.

Thanks for the lovely comments! They really keep me alive, kicking and writing. <3 I will consider the M stuff. Haha. 

Hugssss!