pairing: seho.
word count: 6300.
rating: pg.
genre: angst, hurt/comfort, slight!fluff.
warnings: (minor) character death, slight!homophobia.
summary: sehun always wanted to be a big boy and come off as more mature than what's expected from someone his age. joonmyun just wants to take care of everyone.
 

When Sehun is four years old his mom drops him off at the Kims' house. It's right next to their own and Sehun has been there many times before yet this time it's much more scary because he knows he's going to be left there by himself. His mom presses red-colored lips to his forehead and wipes the lipstick-mark with the pad of her thumb. "Be a good boy while I'm away," she says with an affectionate smile. "And don't give the Kims too much trouble, alright?" Sehun nods, small face set in a determined expression.

Clutching Mrs. Kim's hand tightly the boy watches his mom get into a car with the man she had invited over to their house for dinner just a few days ago. He smells a lot like cigarette smoke, Sehun thinks, but his pockets had been filled with seemingly unlimited amounts of candy so Sehun likes him anyway. He makes his mom smile a lot too. That's probably a good thing.

"This is your first time staying over at someone else's house without your mommy, right?" Mrs. Kim asks in a friendly tone once they're done waving at the leaving car. Sehun nods quietly, eyes stinging. He's stayed at other people's houses before but his mom would always be there with him and his older brother. But his brother is on a school trip and now his mother has left. Sehun misses her already. He sniffles and immediately frowns. No. He's not going to cry. He's a big boy and he promised not to give Mrs. Kim any trouble. The woman smiles softly and gives his hand a squeeze. "She'll be back before you even realize she's gone, honey. Come on, let's go find Joonmyun."

Sehun has been in Joonmyun's room many times before as well and he always thought it was way cooler than his own. It has sky blue walls and a grass green carpet and a race car bed pushed into a corner of the room next to shelves filled to the brim with toys and comic books. And best of all it has Joonmyun. He's sitting by his desk and Sehun lights up right away at the sight of him. "Hyung!" Mrs. Kim lets go of Sehun to allow the boy to stagger across the room on his stubby legs and clamber onto the unoccupied desk chair. "Hyung, what are you-?"

"Shh," the older boy shushes him. Sehun clamps both of his small hands over his mouth to keep quiet and Joonmyun smiles as bright as the sun and ruffles up Sehun's hair. Then he focuses on the tank in front of them again and whispers: "Look."

Leaning all the way across the tabletop in order to see better, Sehun stares intently through the glass in his attempt to find what Joonmyun wants him to look at. There are rocks and plants and water inside the tank and a strong lamp lighting everything up with a weird reddish light, but other than that Sehun doesn't see anything special. "I don't see anything," he says with a pout. Joonmyun wraps an arm around him to pull him even closer and without saying anything he points to the corner of the tank and now Sehun sees it. His eyes widen. "Turtle!"

"His name is Potato," Joonmyun says proudly and Sehun giggles, repeating the name a few times as if trying to make the turtle react. It doesn't. Potato is busy slowly devouring a leaf of lettuce and both boys stare at it in fascination for a while until they grow tired of it. Watching a turtle eat isn't very interesting. Joonmyun jumps down from his chair and he helps Sehun down as well. "Do you wanna color? Daddy bought me a new set of crayons. I'll even let you use my favorite one." The younger nods, grinning brightly.

They sprawl out on the floor with paper and crayons that Joonmyun brought out from one of the drawers in his closet. "I'm gonna do Pororo," Sehun declares and grapples for the blue crayon, while Joonmyun picks a green one to start meticulously drawing the outline of a turtle. Sehun thinks Joonmyun is really good at drawing.

After dinner they change into their pajamas, build a blanket fort in the living room and they ask Mrs. Kim to put a Pororo DVD into the player. Joonmyun secretly tells Sehun that he's really too old to watch Pororo, but that he'll watch it anyway because Sehun wants to and Sehun is the guest. Sehun thinks Joonmyun is really nice. He brings out all the candy his mom's friend gave him the other night. Knowing he was going to be spending a night at Joonmyun's house Sehun has saved most of it to share and the boys eat it happily, cozily curled up in their nest of blankets and pillows.

At bedtime they brush their teeth. Mrs. Kim helps Sehun brush his, but Joonmyun brushes his almost all by himself because he's a big boy now. Sehun promises himself that he's going to brush his own teeth like Joonmyun one day. Then they crawl into bed. Joonmyun has even let Sehun use the race car bed for tonight while he sleeps on an air mattress on the floor. Joonmyun is really nice. Mrs. Kim tucks them in, gives each of the boys a kiss on the forehead and leaves them to sleep.

It doesn't take long before Joonmyun sits up to look at Sehun. "Did you have fun today?" he asks.

"Mhmm," Sehun agrees with a nod and Joonmyun smiles brightly the way he always does and he ruffles the younger boy's hair.

"That's good." He yawns as he flops back down, shifting to get settled and pulling the blanket all the way up to his chin. "Tomorrow you can hold Potato if you want. I'll teach you how to do it." His voice sounds groggy and thick with sleep. Sehun is sleepy too, but most of all he misses his mom. He can feel his eyes stinging and watering just thinking about her so he squeezes them shut and presses his lips tightly together. He's not going to cry. He wants to be a big boy like Joonmyun. He promised not to cause any trouble. "Goodnight, Sehunnie."

"G-goodnight, hyung." The door is cracked open a bit and he can hear Joonmyun's parents talking to each other downstairs and he can hear people laughing on whatever TV show they're watching. He really misses his mom.

Sehun wakes up sometime during the night. At first he doesn't remember where he is. The room is dark and quiet and it takes a moment for him to orient himself. There is light falling into the room from the streetlamps outside and it's enough for him to see the toys on the shelves and Potato's tank and he suddenly remembers where he is and he wants his mommy. His eyes well up when he realizes that he won't be able to see her until she comes to pick him up tomorrow morning. This time he can't hold back the tears and they trickle down his face. He wants his mommy.

Quietly Sehun slips out of the race car bed and he makes sure not to step on Joonmyun when he walks across the floor to leave the room. Clutching his Pororo plushie in one hand, a sniffling Sehun makes his way down the hallway. He stands on the very tips of his toes to reach for the doorknob to open the door to Joonmyun's parents' room. They're sleeping, his father snoring loudly. The boy stays in the doorway for a while and considers whether he should wake them up or not.

In the end he leaves the room. He promised not to give them too much trouble. The tears are more overwhelming now and he doesn't know what to do so he just stands there in front of the room, on his thumb to muffle his crying as he blinks at the darkness. He just wants his mommy. He glances down the hallway towards the staircase that leads down to the living room and an idea strikes him. Earlier Mrs. Kim had helped him call his mom. Maybe he can call her again. That would probably make things better.

He descends the stairs one careful step at a time and goes to where the Kims keep their phone. He has seen grownups do this enough times for him to know how to. He takes the receiver and holds it to his ear and he presses the numbered buttons to make the beeping noises and he waits. But nothing happens. With a sob Sehun hangs up the phone and then tries again, holding the receiver to his ear and tapping the buttons on the phone. It still doesn't work. Sehun whines. This is how all the grownups do it so why doesn't it work when he does it?

He tries again and again with no luck and in the end he gives up. His cheeks are wet and his nose is running and he stands in the middle of the living room with tears streaming down his face and he doesn't know what to do. "Sehunnie?" Suddenly Joonmyun is standing at the foot of the stairs rubbing one eye with his fist. He's the lamps on the stairs and it lights him up from behind and makes it look like he's glowing. Once he notices the tears on the younger's face he practically runs across the floor to pull the boy in for a hug. "What's the matter? Does it hurt anywhere?"

"I want my mommy," Sehun bawls with his face pressed into Joonmyun's chest. He wanted to be a big boy and be good like his mom told him to, but he can't help it. "I miss her so much."

Fortunately Joonmyun doesn't seem to be too upset with him. He just pats Sehun's head and lets him cry for a while until the tears subside and the sobs are replaced by yawns. "We should probably go back to bed," he whispers and Sehun nods quietly. Joonmyun takes his hand and gives it a squeeze. "Wait here." He leaves and comes back quickly with a wad of tissues and he wipes Sehun's nose and eyes for him. Sehun sniffles and Joonmyun smiles. Then he takes the younger by the hand and leads him back to the room.

They both crawl into the racecar bed this time. Joonmyun takes his blanket and pillow from the air mattress on the floor and they cuddle close, Sehun snug in the older's embrace. His eyelids are heavy and it's a struggle to keep them open. "I'm sorry I woke you up, hyung," he mumbles. He feels bad. He promised his mom not to give them any trouble. He promised.

Joonmyun just shakes his head. "It's okay. Are you feeling better?" Sehun sniffles again and nods and Joonmyun smiles as bright as the sun. "Good," he says and Sehun thinks he's looks pretty like this. "As long as Sehunnie is good, it's all good." Sehun smiles too. In Joonmyun's arms he feels safe, like nothing can harm him. He knows Joonmyun will protect him. Joonmyun is really nice.

That's why Sehun puts his hands on Joonmyun's face, one on each cheek, and he plants a loud kiss on the older's mouth to thank him for being so nice and for taking care of him. But Joonmyun goes rigid and then he jerks back and he's frowning and that's not what Sehun wanted at all. "You're not supposed to do that," the older chides still with that unpleasant scowl on his face. "My daddy said that boys are not supposed to kiss other boys. It's wrong and disgusting and people will be really angry if you do it."

Sehun whimpers. "Sorry, I didn't know, I'm sorry." He just wants the smile to come back.

Joonmyun's expression softens and he lets out a sigh. "It's okay. But don't do it again." Sehun nods, eager to comply, and Joonmyun his hair. The younger drifts off with his face pressed into Joonmyun's chest and the last thing he hears before falling asleep is the older boy whispering: "Don't cry anymore, Sehunnie. Everything is gonna be just fine."

When Joonmyun is twenty-two years old Sehun's mother passes away. His own mother tells him this during one of their semi-weekly phone conversations and he feels his stomach lurch as the information slowly sinks in. "I'm going to go pay my respects tomorrow," his mother says in a wavering voice. "I... I was hoping you'd come with me."

So on a gloomy Thursday morning Joonmyun dresses up in his best clothes. He fixes his tie and straightens his jacket and shines his shoes and combs through his hair to make sure to look presentable. He's going to have to skip a few classes for this, but he feels like he has a decent excuse. He's sure his GPA can afford it, anyway.

Joonmyun goes to pick his mother up and for a long time he just hugs her, standing in the doorway with his arms wrapped around her frail form. She seems to have lost weight since the last time he held her and she's trembling. He doesn't know if she's crying or if she's trying to hold back tears. Neither option is particularly pleasant to think about.

Her eyes are red when she pulls away and she looks exhausted. Joonmyun runs the pad of his thumb under her lashes. As expected he comes away from it with damp skin. "Are you alright?" he whispers. He knows that Mrs. Oh was a good friend of hers, they worked together for many years and lived right next to each other for even longer.

His mother nods and smiles slightly. "Yeah," she says. "I just feel so terrible for those poor boys. Especially Sehun-ah. You know how much he loved his mother."

Joonmyun swallows thickly. He forces a smile onto his face. "We should get going."

The drive is mostly quiet. At first Joonmyun considers turning on the radio, but it doesn't seem appropriate in the current situation. He can't think of anything to talk about either. So it's quiet. The only thing to be heard is the steady hum of the car's engine and his mother's sniffles. Once in a while she dabs at her eyes with a handkerchief she pulled out from her purse. Joonmyun keeps facing straight ahead, gripping the steering wheel tightly with white knuckles as he tries to tune out the sound of crying. It's been years since the last time he saw his mother in tears like this. He was hoping he would never have to witness it again.

There's an eerie silence at the hospital and the tension is pressing. The heels of his mother's shoes clack against the floor, reverberates between the walls. It doesn't take long to find the right place. The moment Joonmyun steps inside, his eyes lock with Sehun's across the room. He's standing next to the altar with his brother and his mouth falls open in surprise at the sight of Joonmyun, as if he didn't expect him to show up. Sehun's hair is lighter now and he looks skinnier than Joonmyun remembers. Taller too. Joonmyun swallows around the lump in his throat and tears his eyes away to drop his condolence money into the donation box and sign his name.

By the time Joonmyun steps up to the altar, Sehun's expression has reverted back into the same indifferent one Joonmyun used to be so familiar with. Joonmyun watches in silence as his mother adds a white chrysanthemum to the pile of flowers and lights two incense sticks to place in the brazier in front of the picture of Mrs. Oh. They bow, kneeling down and touching their foreheads to the floor for a few seconds before repeating it and ending with ninety degree bows. Joonmyun meets Sehun's gaze once more when they turn to bow to him and his brother as well, but then they're both kneeling down and the eye contact breaks.

It's all over so quickly. Sehun's brother shakes Joonmyun's hand and quietly thanks him for coming. He's wearing the burlap band around his upper arm. Sehun shakes Joonmyun's hand but says nothing, barely even looks at him. "The funeral hall is at the end of the hallway to the left," Sehun's brother tells them. Joonmyun glances at his mother. It looks like all she wants to do is cry, but he knows she's stubborn and proud and would never break down in front of other people. He shoots a glance at Sehun as that thought crosses his mind. The younger's face is, not surprisingly, blank.

"Thank you." Joonmyun bows to the two brothers once more before leading his mother out of the room with an arm wrapped around her shoulders. "Do you want to stay and get something to eat?" he asks her. "Or would you rather just go home?"

"I'm fine," she persists, holding her head high as she turns to walk to the room Sehun's brother had pointed them towards. Joonmyun sighs but follows nonetheless.

The funeral hall is filled with people Joonmyun's mother knows - family, neighbors, old colleagues, family friends - and almost all of them want to talk to her, to exchange a few words in their more or less grief-stricken state. Joonmyun stays by her side for support the whole time. He can tell that she's struggling to keep her facade up, but he doesn't say anything, just stands there in silence, greeting people politely as his mother introduces him and answering questions about his school, his aspirations for the future, his life.

It's close to nightfall before they make it back to Joonmyun's mother's house. "Are you hungry?" she asks while unlocking the door. She says it in a way that is entirely too conversational and therefore unfitting in the current situation. She goes on before he has the chance to say anything: "I'll make you some dinner. I'm sure I can throw something together with what I have in the house." She's not looking at her son and her feigned cheery tone is almost painful to Joonmyun.

"Mom," he says and stop her with a touch to her arm and she finally quiets, pauses in her steps.

Despite him not saying anything, she lets out a heavy sigh. "I'll be fine."

"Are you sure?" He doesn't let her go. "She was your friend."

She lowers her head. She's still not looking at him. "I just need some time to get through this, Joonmyun-ah. I promise I'll be fine. Eventually." Reluctantly Joonmyun lets her go. He watches as she makes her way through the living room, once again chatting animatedly as if nothing is amiss. It saddens him that she refuses his help, but he knows he can't push her. Still he decides to stay the night just in case.

Joonmyun's room is left untouched even after years of him moving out to go to college. Other than changing out his bed they never got around to redecorating, so the walls are still sky blue, the carpet is still grass green and the shelves are still filled with all the comic books Joonmyun used to read as a teenager. He changes into a spare set of clothes and flops down on the bed, pulling the covers up to his chin. It may be a little early to go to sleep but he's drained in every way.

Whenever Joonmyun stays over at his mother's place he usually always wakes up to the sound of her singing as she goes about her business or pots and pans clanking and oil sizzling in the kitchen as she cooks or maybe even both. This morning he wakes up to nothing but silence. Even the birds that chirp outside his window on most days seem to have gone quiet.

He gets out of bed and makes his way down the stairs, pausing once he reaches the bottom. His mother is sitting completely still on the couch staring into empty air with a blank expression. Joonmyun can only see her profile, but he can tell that she looks pale save for the dark shadows under her eyes. It's worrying. "Mom," Joonmyun says. His voice is like a gunshot in the silence and the woman starts and snaps his head around to look at him. "Are you-?"

"Joonmyunnie," she cuts him off. "Did you sleep well?"

"Did you sleep at all?" he counters. The smile on her face fades and she looks away. Quietly he crosses the floor and sits down next to her, wrapping an arm around her body.

"I slept for a few hours." Her hands are trembling. "I keep... I keep thinking about her. I wonder if she's in a better place now."

Joonmyun clasps a hand around both of his mother's. "I'm sure she is," he says.

The smile slides back onto his mother's face. It's obviously forced. "Are you hungry, honey? I'll just go make you some breakfast." She pulls away from him and goes to the kitchen and by now Joonmyun knows better than to try to stop her. He knows that it's useless. She was like this the last time this happened too.

Joonmyun stays seated on the couch. His mother has the radio in the kitchen to get rid of the silence. There's the sound of her cooking as well. Still, the uncomfortable tension remains. Joonmyun lets out a sigh and just then the doorbell rings. He's already out of his seat before his mother even calls out for him to answer the door. Old habits die hard.

He casts a quick glance at himself in the hallway mirror; a graphic tee with faded colors, plaid pajama bottoms and hair that's plastered flat on one side of his head while sticking out on the other. Cursing under his breath he runs his hands through the unruly strands. It's not a presentable attire for welcoming guests, but he didn't expect anyone to come over so he feels like he's excused.

The friendly smile on Joonmyun's face stiffens when he opens the door and sees who's standing on the other side of it. Black suit and tie, a white shirt and shiny shoes. Sehun looks absolutely exhausted and the smile on his face doesn't reach past his lips, not even a little. "Uh, hello," Joonmyun greets, forcing himself to snap out of his stupor. Out of all the people he can think of, Sehun was one of the least expected to see standing on the patio.

"Hi," the other says while shifting awkwardly on the spot. "I... I'm sorry to barge in like this, but... we... we have most of our relatives over right now and I just... I needed to g-get away for a while and I saw your car in the driveway and I... I was hoping that..." He trails off, eyes flickering uncertainly, and then he sighs. "I'm sorry, maybe I should just..."

"Would you like to come inside?" Joonmyun offers and Sehun looks at him almost timidly.

"Please?" Joonmyun steps aside and Sehun enters the house with apprehensive steps. He takes a look around the living room but turns to face the other at the sound of the front door closing. "Your place hasn't changed much," he says lightly. "I haven't been here for years. Not since..." He averts his gaze. He doesn't finish his sentence.

"How are you feeling?" Joonmyun asks, eager to change the subject. His face is burning.

Sehun sends him a meek smile. "I'm fine," he claims.

Joonmyun can see right through him. "Liar," he says. There's no real bite to his tone, but Sehun still looks startled. Then he frowns and he opens his mouth to say something. Joonmyun cuts him off: "Don't be so stubborn all the time. It's okay to cry." The petulance on Sehun's face is swiftly replaced by defeat then pain and then he looks away. Tears are quick to well up in his eyes and they trickle down his cheeks and no matter how bad Joonmyun feels about seeing him cry, he still knows that this was the right thing to do. Holding it back isn't healthy.

Hesitantly he takes a single step closer to the younger boy and when Sehun doesn't seem to pull away he takes one more. Joonmyun reaches out to place his hand on the other's shoulder. Sehun doesn't move. Joonmyun slowly wraps an arm around him. Sehun still doesn't move. So the older goes all in and embraces him fully, both arms twining around his lanky body to hold him.

It's been years since the last time he hugged Sehun like this. Now the younger is so much taller than him and the height difference is, admittedly, somewhat awkward, but Joonmyun is determined not to let that bother him. Sehun needs it, needs him. For several minutes the younger remains completely rigid in his hold, trembling and crying silently, while Joonmyun just holds him.

Then all of a sudden and all at once his restraint seems to crumble and he melts into it, throwing both of his arms around Joonmyun as well and clinging to him with fingers digging desperately into the back of his shirt. He burrows into the crook of Joonmyun's neck and Joonmyun can physically feel the sobs as they shake through Sehun's entire body. "I miss her, hyung," Sehun whispers. "I miss her so much." Joonmyun's own eyes start to burn. He squeezes them shut and presses his face into Sehun's shoulder and tries not to cry. It's no use if he breaks down as well.

"Joonmyunnie, who was-? Oh."

Sehun pushes away from the older like he's been burned. He wipes his eyes quickly with the back of his wrist as if it's going to cover up the fact that he's been crying (it doesn't, not even a little). Then he bows to Joonmyun's mother. "S-sorry to cause trouble, Mrs. Kim," he mumbles without looking at her. "I... I was just about to leave."

Joonmyun is not going to let him off that easy. He reaches out and gives the younger's hand a squeeze and Sehun's head snaps up as he stares at the other in surprise with wet eyes and tear-streaked cheeks. "Wait here," Joonmyun demands and he goes to the kitchen before Sehun has the chance to say anything. His mother follows him.

"I'm sorry for interrupting," she whispers and she looks genuinely distressed, wringing her hands.

Joonmyun just smiles and shakes his head. "Don't worry about it." He grabs the tissue dispenser on the kitchen counter. "We're going to be in my room." He's about to go back to the living room, but his mother stops him with a hand on his arm.

"Thank you for taking care of Sehun-ah. He really needs it." Joonmyun smiles again and turns to give her a quick peck on the cheek.

Sehun is still standing where Joonmyun left him, which is kind of surprising. The older had halfway expected him to bolt out of there as soon as he had the chance. Sehun fixes his red-rimmed eyes on him. His lower lip is quivering in a way that's entirely revealing even though it's obvious that he's trying to hold back. He's so damn stubborn. At the same time he looks so small and fragile and lost that it makes Joonmyun's heart hurt and all he wants to do is hold him. Without saying anything he takes the younger by the hand and leads him to his room.

Joonmyun guides the younger to the bed and makes him sit and after hovering uncertainly and awkwardly for a few moments he plops down next to him, sitting close enough for their thighs to be pressed together. He almost gives in to the urge to reach out and dry Sehun's eyes for him, but he stops himself at the last minute. Instead he just hands him the tissues. The younger accepts them with a half-hearted smile sent in his direction.

They sit there in silence. Joonmyun has a hand on the other's back, rubbing it slowly up and down in a weak attempt at comfort. He wants to say something but he doesn't know what so he just watches and listens as tears stream silently down Sehun's face. He feels so incredibly helpless. "We put her ashes in the ground today," Sehun mutters after a while. His voice is so quiet that the older just barely hears it and it's shaking. "It's... it's by the water... like she wanted."

"I'm really sorry," is all Joonmyun can say.

"In a way this is kind of a good thing, I guess," Sehun says. He's slowly tearing the tissue paper to shreds in his lap. "At least she's not suffering anymore."

Joonmyun presses his lips into a thin line. He really wishes there was something more he could do other than just helplessly watching. "If there's anything I can do, anything at all, just let me know."

Sehun hesitates for a moment, then exhales a shuddery breath. "Hyung, can you...?" He hesitates again. He casts a glance at the older out of the corner of his eye and Joonmyun smiles in encouragement, still rubbing his back, so the younger sighs once more. Faint red stains his cheeks as he asks: "Can you just... can you just hold me... you know, like you used to?"

The question has Joonmyun's heart racing. He swallows, but forces a smile onto his trembling lips despite the anxiousness that courses through him. "S-sure," he says.

The bed is the same size as it has always been, as it was the last time they were laying like this, but the boys have grown. The last time they were like this Sehun was a gangly-limbed kid while Joonmyun had just barely passed the awkward teenage stage himself. It's been four whole years. Now they're both inevitably older and Sehun is bigger, definitely bigger than Joonmyun. Their position is so intimate. It could be awkward, should be awkward, but it's not.

They lie close, legs tangled, bodies pressed almost flush together. Joonmyun has an arm wrapped around the younger with a hand fitting into the dip of his waist. Sehun's arms are trapped between them, hands flat on Joonmyun's chest. Pearls of moisture cling to Sehun's lashes and collect in the corner of his eyes before spilling over and trickling downwards, over the ridge of his nose, across the panes of his pale cheeks. His lips are chapped and raw from his incessant chewing. He always had a habit of and biting his lips.

Joonmyun slides his hand up to cup the younger's face and he collects the tears with the pad of his thumb. He traces the scar that marks Sehun's cheek too. Joonmyun remembers exactly how it got there. He was twelve and Sehun was nine and he had fallen while they were playing around and cut his cheek open on the corner of a table. Tears had welled up in his eyes and it was a struggle for him to hold them back. He didn't want to cry in front of Joonmyun, he always wanted to be a big boy, to come off as more mature than what was expected from someone his age. Just like now.

Once more Joonmyun runs his finger over the scar. It does nothing to ruin how pretty Sehun is. Joonmyun smiles wryly. He also remembers when he started thinking of the younger as 'pretty'. It was about the same time as they started growing apart - something  that was entirely his own fault, he'd admit that in a heartbeat. Sehun pulls back a little and he looks up at the older with glistening eyes and he looks so damn pretty it hurts.

With a shuddering exhale Joonmyun caresses the other's cheek again. Sehun lets out a sigh too and he closes his eyes, leaning into the touch. Joonmyun's heart clenches. His eyes drop to the younger's mouth of their own accord. He knows he shouldn't be doing this, shouldn't be wanting this, shouldn't even be thinking this, but he can't help it and now that Sehun isn't looking at him anymore it makes it so much easier not to chicken out. Joonmyun takes a deep breath and then he does what he has been wanting to do for years. He leans in and brushes his lips over Sehun's.

Sehun goes rigid and he jerks back to stare at the older with wide eyes and an expression that's a mix between surprise, disbelief and confusion. "Hyung..."

"I'm sorry," Joonmyun says. The shaky chuckle he lets out is more an exclamation of awkwardness and embarrassment than anything else. "I'm really sorry, I couldn't..." He's cut off by a pair of lips being pressed to his own. His heart jumps in a manner that can't be healthy in any way. It doesn't take more than a fraction of a second for him to start kissing back.

The kiss tastes salty from the few stray tears that continue to roll down Sehun's face. It doesn't really deter any of them, though. Sehun's lips are dry and they feel scratchy as they slide against Joonmyun's, but his tongue, once it's tentatively added to the kiss after some time, works wonders. The younger's hands are balled into fists, clutching at the front of Joonmyun's shirt, and his legs are clasped tightly around one of Joonmyun's. It's almost as though he's afraid the older is going to flee if he lets him go so he clings to him to keep him rooted.

They part and they're both panting. Sehun runs his tongue over his lips. They're swollen now and it makes Joonmyun a little hot under the collar because he did that, he kissed Sehun. Panic wells up in him in the form of a bitter sting at the back of his throat, but he suppresses it. Sehun glances at him through his lashes. "What happened to 'boys are not supposed to kiss other boys'?" The anxiousness is his tone is just barely concealed by teasing.

"Shut up," Joonmyun whispers and kisses him again. This time he doesn't hesitate to slip his tongue into the younger's mouth. Sehun doesn't seem to mind.

"That's not what you said the last time," Sehun remarks when they pull apart to breathe again. Joonmyun grimaces. It's true, though. The last time they kissed Sehun was sixteen and Joonmyun was nineteen and he was leaving for college the next day so he went to say his goodbyes and Sehun had kissed him. Without warning he had leaned in and pressed their lips together. It wasn't particularly nice or passionate, but it was a kiss nonetheless. And Joonmyun had gently pushed him away and ruffled up his hair and told him with a soft smile that he liked him, but not like that. He had tried to convince himself that the look of sheer disappointment on the younger's face didn't hurt (the only thing that hurt more than that was probably the fact that he was lying to Sehun).

"I'm sorry." Each kiss is punctuated with an apology. "I'm so sorry."

"It's okay, hyung," Sehun mutters against his lips, but Joonmyun shakes his head.

"I lied to you," he says. "Back then. I was scared so I lied to you and it's not okay. I'm really sorry."

The younger pulls away when he tries to kiss him again. "You... like me?" There's apprehension behind his hopefulness, as if he's afraid to actually believe it.

"Five years," the older sighs. "That's how long I've liked you." Sehun was fourteen and Joonmyun was seventeen and unlike all of his friends he never showed any interest in girls (he soon found out that he would always subconsciously compare all girls to Sehun in his head and that none of them would come close to being as good and the realization freaked him out). Joonmyun lets out a short, mirthless chuckle while running a hand over his face. "God, this is the worst ing timing."

Sehun curls his long fingers into the collar of the other's shirt and pulls him in for a few more kisses. Joonmyun happily kisses back. He's pretty sure he could do this forever. But eventually Sehun pulls away. "So what does this mean?" Again the fear mixes with hope. He looks up at the older through his lashes and runs his tongue over his lips.

"I don't know," Joonmyun whispers. "I really don't know. I don't know anything. I just..." His mouth hangs open for a long time as he struggles to find his words and even after what feels like minutes of trying he still fails to think of anything to say.

Sehun's face does an odd twist that can mean just about whatever. He leans in to place another fleeting kiss on the older's mouth and then burrows into his chest, sighing heavily. It doesn't take long for Joonmyun's arms to wrap around him once more. "I really missed you, hyung," Sehun mutters. It's easy to tell that he has tired himself out. His voice is lethargic, more so than usual.

"I missed you too." Joonmyun prefers truth over lying. He's so tired of lying. Sehun lets out a small whine and the older can feel him start to tremble with tears again. So he holds him tighter and runs fingers through dye-damaged hair and he whispers: "Don't cry anymore, Sehunnie. Everything is gonna be just fine."

~*~

A/N: ty summary is ty. oh welp. the title is, of course, from the song "open arms". I always cry whenever I hear it after exo's cover of it. if you haven't heard exo's cover, you're really missing out.
this one time sehun said that suho is his lucky charm. that he's always protecting him and since they're roommates (they were at the time, anyway) he feels safe even when they're sleeping. then I had a conversation with mini about joonmyun holding little sehun because he missed his mom. it was all cute. I have no idea why it turned so angsty, but it happened. I never meant for anyone to die, but it happened. I cried so hard when I thought of it and I didn't want to write the story, but it happened.
the first part of the story kind of comes from personal experience. when I was in kindergarten I was sleeping at a friend's house and I woke up in the middle of the night and missed my mom so I wanted to call her but I didn't know how to work a phone so I couldn't and I just went back to bed and cried myself to sleep. the turtle's name happened because I keep dreaming about pets named potato and one particular time it was a turtle named potato.
the original idea I had was a bit different than this because I didn't even consider at the time that western and eastern funeral traditions aren't the same. they are, however, quite different so I had to reconsider the plot and do a lot of research to write that part and I found out that this is how most of today's modern funerals happen in south korea. I didn't want that part to be too detailed because it's not that interesting, but I didn't want it to seem like I didn't know what I was talking about. this is how it turned out.
in case it wasn't obvious (it should be), joonmyun's father was a homophobe in this story. joonmyun grew up being told that boys are not supposed to like boys, which is why he was scared of liking sehun. there are still a few unanswered questions. like, what happened to sehun's father, what happened to joonmyun's father, how did sehun's mother die and so on. I'll let you draw your own conclusions. use your imagination.
this is suho's birthday story. I should've probably picked something a little more happy, but I like this. so there.
happy birthday. ♥