Here's how it happens: Wufan comes home one late afternoon to find his apartment infiltrated by one Huang Zitao, who beams at Wufan from his perch on the couch's armrest the moment he steps through the front door. Wufan is instantly alert and approaches with caution. A beaming Zitao always means trouble. Always. This is a proven fact, and Wufan knows it from experience. “What do you want?” Wufan asks warily, eyeing Zitao up and down.

Zitao keeps smiling and this is getting really eerie really fast. “So you know how we pressured Joonmyun into hosting a Halloween party in a few days, right?” Wufan nods in affirmation. He does know, how could he not? It's literally all his friends have been talking about for the past month or so. He probably needs new friends. “Well, naturally it's a costume party and–”

“No,” Wufan immediately interrupts. “Whatever you're gonna ask, no. I'm not doing it.”

“Ge, please,” Zitao pleads with a pout. “Please.” Wufan refuses. Zitao pleads more. Wufan keeps refusing. Zitao uses aegyo. Wufan reconsiders.

That's how he ends up dressed in a pretty, pink, knee-length lolita dress with a frilly underskirt and matching accessories because if Wufan is going to do this, he's going to do it right, damn it. He swears to every deity he can think of that he'd nearly gotten cavities just from looking at the print of the dress, something with flowers and butterflies and cupcakes and all kinds of kawaii . Zitao insisted that it was the only one they had that would fit someone of his size, though the poorly veiled twitch of his lips told a different tale (the fact that he had snatched a classy, black dress paired with beautiful lace stockings for himself only made Wufan all that more suspicious).

Baekhyun, who has been called in to aid them in their transformation, as Zitao so eloquently put it, which is basically just a snooty way of saying he's going to do their makeup, arrives at the apartment fashionably late, casts one look at Wufan and then turns to Zitao. “Did I ever tell you that I love you?”

“Shut your hole, Byun Baekhyun,” Wufan growls.

Baekhyun clicks his tongue is disapproval. “Now now, that's no way to talk to the person who's about to do your face. I could ruin you with just one purposely misplaced , you know.”

“I'm pretty sure showing up dressed like this will ruin me just fine all on its own,” Wufan grumbles, gesturing to his own body.

“Jongdae and Yixing will never let you live it down,” Zitao sighs serenely. Wufan scowls. He's seriously starting to think that it was Zitao's intent to humiliate him all along.

He lets out a sigh. “Can we just get this over with? We kind of have somewhere we need to be.”

Never in his life did Wufan imagine that he was ever going to experience the benefits of having a friend who's a professional makeup artist, yet here he is. He allows Zitao to go first because he still doesn't trust anyone to put any foreign objects near his eyes, much less in them. Zitao, however, is remarkably calm as Baekhyun does his makeup. It's almost as if they've done this before. Wufan really wouldn't be surprised if he found out that they had.

Wufan doesn't have a lot of knowledge about makeup, but he can tell that Baekhyun is good at doing what he does. And Zitao, well... he's coming out pretty. Really pretty. In fact, once he's done and has put on his wig – one with long, black hair and bangs cutting straight across his forehead – and stands in front of Wufan with a practiced, coy smile on his face, he's awfully convincing. Wufan would probably be fooled if he didn't know any better, but he does (that certainly doesn't stop him from staring more than what's strictly necessary, though).

A hand is placed on Wufan's chin to close his slack jaw for him. “You're up next, big boy,” Baekhyun says, clearly amused. Wufan hesitantly takes a seat in the proffered chair and for the umpteenth time he finds himself wondering exactly why he's doing this.

There's no mirror so Wufan can't see how things are coming along and he has no idea what the various products Baekhyun picks up are even used for and the whole thing is more than a little terrifying, but he hangs in there. Even as Baekhyun grabs an instrument that most of all looks like some kind of torture device and puts it near Wufan's eye he prevails. He's brave. He's a man. He can do this. “You're scared less right now, aren't you?” Zitao comments from the sidelines.

“ you,” Wufan hisses. It doesn't come off nearly as intimidating as he would have liked, which probably has something to do with the squeakiness of his voice.

Baekhyun smacks him. “Stop moving or I'm going to stab you in the eye. And not necessarily by accident.” Needless to say, Wufan immediately stops moving. He wouldn't put it past Baekhyun to make good of his threat. Baekhyun tends to be demonic like that.

And then it's done. He's done. Baekhyun backs off with a smile and Wufan stands on shaky legs. With the help of Zitao he puts on his wig – this one has long, blonde, wavy locks framing his face – and he makes his way to the bathroom to take a look at himself. At first glance the person staring back at him in the mirror is completely unfamiliar. It takes a couple of seconds for him to even recognize his own features with the fake lashes and dark eye makeup and powdered skin and glossy lips. “I look like a chick,” he exclaims before he can stop himself.

“A six-foot-three, burly, really scary chick with huge man-hands” Baekhyun says with a nod and a pat to Wufan's back. “By the way, I'll take my praise now. Go ahead, tell me I'm amazing.” He waves his hand dismissingly before Wufan can say anything. “Wait, nevermind. There's no need to further reiterate the fact.” Wufan suppresses the urge to throttle him, but only because he knows Baekhyun used to do martial arts and he wouldn't stand a chance in a real fight.

Wufan is used to being taller than most, but once he puts on his wedges and adds another few inches to his height he still feels a little dizzy. Zitao's insane platform boots make him just as tall as Wufan and Baekhyun barely makes it to their shoulders like this. He voices his unhappiness several times and Wufan smiles. Annoying Baekhyun makes everything a little more worth it. “Let's go,” Wufan says and grabs his purse before making his way towards the door. He notices that neither Zitao nor Baekhyun have moved and turns around to shoot them a questioning glance.

“You've done this before,” Zitao accuses, his voice a pleased purr. Wufan frowns in confusion and Zitao elaborates: “You're so good at waking in heels, there's no way you haven't done it before.”

The flush that wells up in Wufan's cheeks is both embarrassed and embarrassing. “Uhm, let's not talk about that,” he mutters, eyes looking everywhere but at his friends. “We really need to get going.” He quickly leaves the apartment. Behind him he can hear the others' stifled giggles. That just makes the flush worse.

Making their way down the street the three of them attract a lot of stares. It's not surprising, not at all. Two huge women accompanied by a ty cat (“I'm a wolf!” Baekhyun had said with great conviction when he was asked about his costume and he had even howled for effect, but Wufan still thought he looked like a ty cat) is not exactly an everyday sight.

Wufan is starting to regret agreeing to take public transportation rather than driving there in his own car, but Baekhyun's promise of infinite amounts of alcohol had sounded really promising, and driving under the influence is not something Wufan likes to practice. He's just happy that he's practically unrecognizable. He doesn't even want to imagine what kind of horrors would occur if someone from work saw him like this.

By the time they finally make it to Joonmyun's place Wufan has grown accustomed to ignoring the looks as well as the lewd comments. He still feels awkward when they're standing in front of the apartment, even more so when Baekhyun snakes an arm around his waist after ringing the doorbell.

It's Minseok who answers the door. For a long time he just stands there looking back and forth between Wufan and Zitao, but especially staring at Wufan. “Uhh,” he finally says and he throws a hesitant glance at Baekhyun. “Do I know these people?”

“Just let us in, ,” Wufan growls.

Minseok's eyes widen as if it hits him just then. “Wufan?” He squints as he looks Wufan up and down and receives a scowl in return. Then he turns to Zitao. “Did I ever tell you that I love you?” Wufan rolls his eyes excessively and shoves Minseok out of the way to stomp into the apartment. He purposely ignores Zitao's suggestive offer of Minseok showing him exactly how much he loves him as well as Minseok's snigger that follows.

Everyone goes quiet and stares at Wufan as he walks into the living room where the rest of the people present are gathered. Wufan would say that he blushes, except he never ing blushes and this shouldn't be an exception. 'Shouldn't' being the keyword in that sentence. Feeling flustered, he shoves his way past a gawking Chanyeol and plops down on the seat on the couch that has just been vacated to make room for him. His skirt rides up to show a startling amount of thigh and he quickly pushes it back down. No. Wufan never ing blushes.

Zitao enters the living room with Minseok close on his tail. Minseok doesn't even try to hide the fact that he's ogling Zitao's . Judging by the way Zitao sways his hips more than necessary as he walks, he's both perfectly aware of and perfectly fine with it. “Did I ever tell you that I love you?” Jongdae says when Zitao perches himself on the arm of the chair where Jongdae is sitting. Zitao's lips curl upwards at the corners and he sends Jongdae a flying kiss. Wufan scowls so hard it's almost painful. This is going to be a long night.

Despite what Baekhyun had promised earlier, there's nowhere near enough alcohol at the party for Wufan to feel even remotely okay about this. Then again, there might possibly not be enough in the entire world for that. All he wants to do right now is drown his embarrassment and injured pride in copious amounts of booze, but the cocktail of cheap beer and Jack D and coke he's downing doesn't seem to be kicking in fast enough.

By the time Wufan is starting to become seriously fed up with all the inappropriate leering and all the jabs at his costume as well as his masculinity, he has just barely made it to the point of tipsy. He definitely needs new friends, he tells himself, and subsequently decides that he'll start working to achieve this new life goal first thing tomorrow.

After spending the better part of fifteen minutes pretending to ignore the way Jongin is blatantly trying to look up his skirt from where he's sitting on the other side of the coffee table (he's wearing a ing cape, who the does he think he is, what the gives him the right?), Wufan decides that enough is enough. He tries to aim for stealthy as he gets up and leaves the room, but the way his shoes clop against the floor seems to be loud enough to be heard several stories down so everyone probably notices. Damn it.

Joonmyun is rich so his apartment is huge, which is a good thing. Wufan wants to be alone right now. He makes his way down a corridor with doors on each side. He knows the one on the right is the bathroom, so he opens the first one on the left to find a room with a bed and a closet and a desk. Wufan deduces that this is Joonmyun's bedroom and hopes Joonmyun doesn't mind having Wufan in there. If he does mind, Wufan honestly doesn't care. He's beyond caring at this point.

This room is a lot more quiet since it's further away from the inane music that is pumping from the speakers in the living room. The moment the door closes behind Wufan, he's kicking his shoes off, groaning as his stocking-clad feet touch the parquet floor. They're aching. The only thing more sore than them is probably Wufan's pride. This was a terrible idea.

Wufan stands there in the middle of the room and for some time he just breathes. He doesn't even bother turning on the lights, simply stays in the almost-darkness. He's only been here for a little more than two hours by now and he already wants to go home. This was a really, really terrible idea. He makes a mental note to never ever let Zitao convince him to do anything ever again. He's never going to live this down, especially not now that there's evidence in the form of pictures on Sehun's phone. Wufan considered stealing it to delete them, but he's sure the kid has sent it to all of the others by now. Wufan hates everything.

Light pours into the room at the same time as the volume of the music suddenly goes up. Someone opened the door. Frowning, Wufan turns his head to look at the intruder. When he sees who it is he frowns even more. “What are you doing in here in the darkness all by yourself?” Luhan asks. His voice is so quiet and sweet and innocent-sounding and basically everything Luhan isn't. There is a pair of devil horns perched on top of his fluffy hair. It's fitting. You know, considering how Luhan is the spawn of Satan and all.

“I wanted to be alone.” Wufan opts for honesty. “So can you please go away?” Luhan grins as he steps into the room. He closes the door behind himself and leans back against it, eyes still curved up with mirth. Wufan scoffs. Figures. He turns around all the way to face Luhan and crosses his arms over his chest. “Are you here to make fun of me some more or...?”

Luhan tuts. “Why the skepticism? Don't you trust me?”

“Not at all.”

For some moments Luhan regards Wufan with an expression that's hard to read. Then he pushes himself away from the door and starts advancing towards Wufan. Wufan resists the urge to back up as Luhan comes closer. Barely. Luhan stops when there's less than a foot of space between them and he leans his head back to look up at Wufan because even without shoes Wufan is still inches taller. That thought makes him feel a little more confident. At least until Luhan says: “Actually, I just wanted to tell you that I think you look really pretty.”

“What?” Wufan takes a huge step backwards and backs right into Joonmyun's desk. The edge of it digs into Wufan's spine and he flails and knocks over a cup in the process. A few wayward pens roll to the floor. “What?”

Luhan is still smiling. “I thought you were kind of pretty before too, but this, this is...” He bites his bottom lip. Wufan balks. This has to be a joke. It has to be. Just another one of Luhan's dumb pranks. Yixing is probably in on it too. Maybe they planned it together, doubling over with laughter as they imagined Wufan's expression. It has to be. So why is Luhan coming closer again?

“Very funny,” Wufan says flatly. “Haha. Good joke. You almost got me there.” Luhan reaches up to gently brush a lock of blonde hair behind Wufan's ear. It's a ing wig. Wufan's chuckle is slightly hysteric. “It's okay, you can stop now.” Wufan is taller than Luhan. He's bigger than Luhan. Luhan shouldn't be able to make him feel this small. He shouldn't.

“What if I'd rather kiss you?” Luhan blinks up at Wufan with those huge eyes of his and somehow they manage to twinkle even though there's barely even any ing light in the room. “Can I not do that?” He bats his lashes and Wufan makes a strangled, groaning noise in the back of his throat. God. This is even worse than Zitao's aegyo.

Apparently Wufan seems to have missed the memo about silence being a new form of saying 'yes'. When he doesn't respond immediately Luhan starts slowly leaning closer, presumably to press their lips together. Wufan could totally turn away if he wanted to. He totally could. And yet he... doesn't. He just lets it happen. Because he's curious to see how far Luhan is willing to take this joke. Yeah. That's why.

So then they're kissing. It's really weird. Wufan never thought about kissing Luhan before. He's excruciatingly pretty, sure, but Wufan never wanted to kiss him. Except maybe that one time when Kyungsoo got super drunk and started humping a wall and Luhan had laughed so hard he literally fell over. That stupid, ugly, ridiculous laugh where his jaw looks like it becomes unhinged. Maybe then Wufan had kind of wanted to kiss him a little bit. He thought he just wanted to throttle him, but now he's not so sure. When it comes to Luhan it's easy to get those two mixed up, it seems.

It takes a moment for Wufan to realize that the synthetic flavor he can taste on Luhan's tongue is his own lip gloss. It's kind of gross, but Luhan is on Wufan's upper lip so he doesn't seem to mind much. With a last at Wufan's mouth Luhan pulls away. There's pink smeared around his lips and Wufan groans. “Oh God, what are we doing?”

“Kissing.” Luhan presses a sticky kiss to the corner of Wufan's mouth. “Do you not want to?”

“No, yes, I...” He trails off. Luhan cuts him off with another kiss and Wufan figures that, yeah, talking is overrated. The slide of Luhan's tongue against his own is much, much better.

Bending down a little, Luhan curves a hand around the back of Wufan's knee and before Wufan can question his actions, his leg is hiked up to Luhan's waist, held in place by a surprisingly strong grip. Luhan takes Wufan's lips again. His kisses are enough of a distraction to keep Wufan from protesting when Luhan's hand starts sliding upwards under his dress, up his thigh and further than that. The hand comes to a brief rest on Wufan's backside, then gives it a squeeze. Luhan laughs into Wufan's mouth before he pulls away again. “Lace, Wufan? Really?” He dips a finger under the elastic that digs into the tops of Wufan's thighs.

Heat and color floods Wufan's face, which is odd because Wufan never ing blushes. “I wanted to be in character,” he mumbles. That reasoning had made a lot of sense to him when he slid the – ing , white with ing strawberries on them – up his legs when he was getting dressed earlier. Now he's not so sure.

“Hmm, you don't quite fill them out, though,” Luhan remarks while palming Wufan's practically non-existent and Wufan wants to curse him out, to shove him off, but Luhan ruts against him and all Wufan can do is groan. “Lucky for you I just so happen to like flat asses.” He bites Wufan's chin. The groping turns more aggressive. Luhan growls. “I could just bend you over this desk right now and pull your cute, little down and you in that dress until you scream.”

Wufan swallows a moan. Barely. “Don't,” tumbles from his lips. “It'd be messy. This thing's a rental.”

“So?” Luhan leaves kisses down Wufan's jaw. “Just make Zitao pay the expenses. Lord knows the deserves it.” He has a point.

Still, Wufan grimaces. “I'm not doing this in Joonmyun's room.”

Luhan halts his movements and ponders this for a moment. Then he sighs. He pulls away. “Fine.” He takes a step backwards and sticks a hand down his pants to rearrange his junk to make it less obvious that he's hard because of Wufan. He's hard because of Wufan, oh God. Luhan sounds breathless. “We can go back to my place, then. I brought my car, I'll drive.”

Wufan reaches a hand out to rub his thumb over the gloss that's still smeared on Luhan's face. As the finger brushes Luhan's lips, Luhan takes it into his mouth, looking Wufan right in the eye as he gives it a suggestive . Wufan shudders. He's seriously starting to consider doing this here and now despite what he just said. Joonmyun's bed looks pretty comfortable and it's right there.

But no. No. Joonmyun is practically a saint, Wufan can't do this to him without feeling like the worst person in the world. “Let's go,” he breathes and something dark flashes through Luhan's eyes. Wufan has a gut feeling that tells him they won't actually make it all the way back to Luhan's place. It's okay, though. Luhan's car has a big backseat.

~*~

A/N: and then they went and ed in the back of luhan's car, the end. 8D

so yeah. this happened. I put kris in a dress (and makeup and ) and it's all emma's fault. I don't remember exactly how it's emma's fault, I just remember that it is... although I do believe there was something with a conversation about krissdressing and luhan bending him over a table to make fun of his flat . yeah. I figured that if kris absolutely had to be a girl, he would go all out. tao as a gothic lolita is all for bonnie because I'm nice like that. b"d tao would wear his dress and he would ing rock it.

by the way, happy birthday wu yifan, you big dumb . ♥ I'm not sure what is up with me and putting boyband members in some kind of women's clothes for their birthdays (this is like the fourth time it has happened), but oh welp. I'm not sorry.

here, have some krishan, this particular gifset seemed fitting right now:

and thanks to:
nanchatte - I-love-exo - thewaywardpuppeteer - charliebnim - greenapplejelly - tedy_bear - bapbabys
for upvoting. ^^v

ps. if you squint a whole lot, this story can totally be related to this au.