pairing: chanyeol-centric (chankai???).
word count: 8800.
rating: R.
genre: humour, crack... so much crack..........
summary: babysitter by day, superfan by night. this is the life of park chanyeol.
 

---

A lot of things can be said about Chanyeol's job as a babysitter, but one thing is for certain: he never ever finds it boring. Just like with most other things there are, of course, some moments that are more stressful than others. Like when he was asked to keep an eye on a pair of mischievous twin toddlers while their parents took a well-deserved night to themselves or when he had to talk down a broody teenager, who believed he was too old for a 'dumb nanny'.

In the latter case, Chanyeol had been inclined to agree. The boy, Sehun, was fifteen years old and more than capable of staying home alone for one night, and Chanyeol considered telling the over-protective mother just that when he showed up at their house for his gig. The pay had been nice, though, so Chanyeol stayed quiet and lured the kid out of his room with the promise of pizza and video games. He even generously allowed Sehun to beat him in a few games of Mario Kart. He's saintly like that. Everything had been fine, and Chanyeol got his much needed paycheck.

It's no secret that Chanyeol needs the money. He needs it to finance his very financially draining hobby. Baekhyun calls it an obsession. He also calls it 'unhealthy' and 'weird' and insists that Chanyeol should 'seek help, oh my God, you are a twenty-five year old man, Chanyeol, this is embarrassing', but no one even ing asked him so Chanyeol thinks he needs to shut his stupid face. Baekhyun doesn't understand. In fact, none of Chanyeol's friends understand, except for...

Luhan is sitting on their ratty couch when Chanyeol bursts through the front door. He doesn't even spare Chanyeol a glance, eyes focused on the computer perched on his lap. “What did I miss?” Chanyeol asks while frantically fighting a losing battle with his outerwear. “Are they out? Did they release them?” Luhan shakes his head solemnly, and Chanyeol breathes a sigh of relief and allows himself to slow down a little so he can finally rid himself of his scarf and coat without accidentally strangling himself in the process. He climbs over the back of the couch to plop down next to Luhan.

“You're home late. I almost thought you wouldn't make it in time.” Luhan refreshes the browser and curses quietly under his breath. “They said midnight and now it's two and a half minutes past, what the . Good god, get a grip, girl.”

Chanyeol grimaces. “Yeah, I kind of got held up at work. You know, the usual: single mother, desperate for the D. Wanted to give me 'an offer I couldn't refuse', or something like that.”

Luhan snorts. “And what'd you tell her?”

“That I was flattered but it's against my policy to sleep with my clients.”

“A+ lying right there.”

“Well, what did you expect me to say? That she's too old for me?”

“Not to mention the fact that she more than likely has a .” Luhan refreshes the browser again. Curses. Still nothing. “My anaconda don't want none unless you got schlong, hon. I think we both know you're more of a kind of guy.”

“You say that like you aren't,” Chanyeol retorts, but he's not too bothered. He's more than used to Luhan making jokes about his preference, and they're never malevolent.

“I'm not gay,” Luhan insists. It's like a pre-programmed response by now.

Chanyeol makes a noise that says he doesn't believe it one bit. “Uh huh. Is that why you write ty self-insert fanfiction about you and–”

“Shut up, that's different,” Luhan cuts him off, frowning. Chanyeol grins. He gears up for another teasing remark, but then Luhan shouts and flails spastically and his computer almost tumbles to the floor. Chanyeol blanches. This reaction can only mean one thing.

“, , I'm not ready! , okay!” Chanyeol catches the computer to save it from a premature death and crowds closer to stare at the screen, holding his breath in anticipation as Luhan drags the cursor towards the link with shaking hands. It seems to take forever before the image loads, but when it does, Chanyeol groans for approximately eighty-four years.

“,” Luhan wheezes. “. It's Yixing.”

The picture looks so effortless. Yixing doesn't even look like he's trying. He's sitting down, leaned back against green upholstery with an arm slung over the back of the sofa. He's wearing a black leather jacket with jeans and a belt and nothing else. “Is he ing shirtless?” Chanyeol shrieks, a thing someone with a voice like his should never do.

“He's ing shirtless!” Luhan shrieks back.

“No, what the .” Chanyeol groans as he falls over on the couch, flopping around dramatically like a beached fish. “What the . He looks so ing good. What the . Who allowed this? Who allowed him? This is Not Okay!” Yixing isn't even his bias, but Chanyeol would have no qualms whatsoever about sitting on his and riding it into the sunset. He groans again as he throws his forearm over his eyes. It's only the second day of teaser pictures, yet he swears this concept is going to be the end of him.

Luhan has been spitting out continuous curses in slurred Chinese – most likely insulting Yixing's parents and expressing his wish for Yixing to sit on his face all in the same breath – but out of nowhere he goes abruptly quiet. “Chanyeol,” he says calmly.

“What?”

“Chanyeol,” Luhan says again, now slapping Chanyeol's leg repeatedly to gain his attention.

There's something about his tone that makes Chanyeol uneasy. He sits up slowly, staring at Luhan, who throws him a cautious glance. “What?”

“Don't freak out.”

“Too late, already happening. What is it? Tell me.”

“There's another one.”

Chanyeol's eyes widen. “Another picture? . They only released one yesterday, what the—”

“It's Jongin,” Luhan blurts out, unable to keep the terrible secret in any longer.

Chanyeol, remarkably, does not faint. “Show me.” Chanyeol is calm.

“Are you sure? I can—”

“It's fine. Show me.” Chanyeol is completely calm. Calm as a corn field on a windless summer day. Calm as a placid forest lake. Calm as a potato. Chanyeol can do this. Chanyeol's got this. Luhan still doesn't seem confident in Chanyeol's ability to Handle The Situation, but he relents and turns the computer around so Chanyeol can see as he clicks the new link, and the picture loads, and, nope, Chanyeol does, in fact, not have this, he can't do this, he can't even, he can't. He think he might even be salivating a little, but he's too focused on Jongin's picture to really notice.

Jongin is shirtless too. That's the first thing Chanyeol notices. It's not like it's anything new – sometimes it feels like Jongin is shirtless at photoshoots more often than not, to be honest – but Chanyeol doesn't think he will ever get used to it. Besides, this time is much worse than usual. This time, Jongin's pants are pulled down far enough to show off his sharp hipbones (and Chanyeol has such a Thing for ing hipbones, ) as well as a patch of the trail of hair that leads like an arrow down to the area Chanyeol thinks about a lot when he jerks off. This is awful.

“Oh my God,” Luhan whispers next to him.

Chanyeol lets out a whine that could break any potentially pre-existing World Records in both duration, pitch and patheticness. “This is awful,” Chanyeol says. He throws himself back on the couch again and starts flailing to express how Not Okay this is. “This is Not Okay, I'm Not Okay, no, no, no, nonono, what the . What is this, what is my life, what am I, what, he looks so ing good, who allowed him to look so ing good, what the .” He stops flailing about to pout miserably at Luhan. “I want to punch him in the mouth. With my mouth. Hyung.”

“I know, I know,” Luhan says with great sympathy, patting Chanyeol on the thigh. “I understand completely.” And Chanyeol knows he does. Just last night, he had to hold Luhan's hand through a minor breakdown and allowed him to weep into his shoulder when the company released Xiumin's teaser picture fifteen minutes early and didn't give Luhan time to prepare for seeing his “baby Baozi's beautiful face again, oh my god, I think I'm going to cry”. Yes. Unlike Baekhyun, Luhan fully understands what Chanyeol is going through right now.

Babysitter by day, superfan by night. This is the life of Park Chanyeol.

 

iluvguccipanda: @kaifanxoxo92 Oppa, did you see Kai's teaser picture?

kaifanxoxo92: uuugggggghhhhhhhhjkhsfkjdhgkjhgdakjklll

baozisbae: @iluvguccipanda yea he whined about it for like seven hours

baozisbae: actually he's still whining rn ㅋㅋㅋ

dyororo__o: 헐

wubrows: ㅋㅋㅋ

funky_orange_gull: ㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋ

kaifanxoxo92: @baozisbae shut ur mouth luhan at least i didn't cry lyk u did

baozisbae: t(•̀_•́ t)

 

Chanyeol's next gig comes in the form of a recommendation from Baekhyun. That should be the first signal of warning, the first indicator that this is no regular task. The client is one of Baekhyun's old friends, he says, and when said friend had asked Baekhyun if he knew anyone who was good with kids, Baekhyun had immediately mentioned Chanyeol, “like the awesome best friend that he is” (Chanyeol spends a lot of time questioning that title).

The second signal of warning should be the fact that the guy declined Chanyeol's offer to meet up beforehand. Usually, Chanyeol will meet with the parents prior to a job so they can discuss the details face to face and so they can see how he is with their kid. Baekhyun's friend, however, didn't seem to find that necessary. He didn't even want to exchange phone numbers in advance, and he left it up to Baekhyun to arrange everything, which should make Chanyeol all the more suspicious. Anyone who trusts Baekhyun that much is either incredibly foolish or just as much of an as he is. “I resent that,” Baekhyun says when Chanyeol tells him this. “Anyway, hyung is just busy. Why do you think he needs a babysitter in the first place?” Makes sense, Chanyeol thinks.

Besides, the paycheck is amazing. Ah, yes, the paycheck. That should be the third signal of warning, complete with blaring sirens and flashing red lights. No one has ever paid Chanyeol this much for looking after their kid for a single night, and that is why he's almost convinced there's more to this than what little information he's been told in advance. Maybe he just unknowingly gave up his body to a cannibalistic serial killer, who will wear his skin and eat his organs with some fava beans and a nice Chianti. Or maybe he sold his soul to Satan. Baekhyun would befriend Satan.

In any case, the money Chanyeol gets out of this would be enough to finally buy him that Limited Edition Platinum Sparkle Flash Photobook (Silver Version)™ he's been having somewhat disturbing wet dreams about for the past week and a half, which is what ultimately convinces him to go through with it in the end. Do it for the band-merch, he tells himself. Do it for oppar.

Baekhyun even has the courtesy to drive Chanyeol to the client's apartment. They arrive at a residential district in the suburbs of Seoul. It doesn't look like the home of a serial killer, though Chanyeol could be wrong about this, considering he has never actually seen a serial killer's house in person before. “Are you sure this is the place?” he questions as he glances up at the innocent-looking apartment buildings rising from the ground. He doesn't immediately spot any Portals to Hell around either, but the shrubbery off to the left looks somewhat suspicious. He squints at it.

“Yup,” Baekhyun says, popping on the p. “Positive.”

“Really?” Chanyeol is still skeptical. Even though he knows with certainty that he'd make a very handsome skin suit, that's not exactly how he wishes to end his days. “Is this guy really legit?”

“He's a good guy, Chanyeol,” Baekhyun affirms. “He's nice. Cheery, when he's not stressed out about Things. Annoyingly smiley, kinda like you. I think you'll get along well. Now get the hell out of my car before I kick you out. I could be buried deep in right now if you actually knew how to drive a ing vehicle.” Chanyeol reluctantly tumbles out of the car, slamming the door behind him with a little more force than necessary. Baekhyun rolls down the window in the passenger's side. “Call me when you're done so I can come pick you up, love ya, honey!” he yells, and then he speeds off.

Chanyeol watches as he disappears around a corner, then looks down at the paper in his hand where Baekhyun had scribbled down the address of the client in almost indecipherable chicken scratch. “Building twelve, tenth floor, apartment three,” Chanyeol mutters to himself as he begins to make his way towards the cluster of buildings. “Here goes nothing.”

It takes him a little while to find the right place, but after he does, everything goes smoothly. He takes the elevator up to the tenth floor, discovers the correct apartment with relative ease, rings the doorbell and waits. He doesn't have to stay put very long, though, because the door is soon yanked open and in its stead stands a harried-looking man. Chanyeol recognizes him immediately. His jaw drops all the way through the floor. “Thank you for coming,” Kim Joonmyun says with that familiar smile in place. “Did you find it okay?”

“I didn't know you had kids,” is the first thing Chanyeol says. Joonmyun stops smiling and mostly just looks confused instead, eyebrows scrunching together. “I didn't even know you were married. Or are you married? Is she just your girlfriend? Cause, you know, that's totally cool with me, too. I'm not so strict on the whole 'saving yourself for marriage' stuff.”

“E-excuse me?” Joonmyun says.

“You are Suho, right? You're not just his secret twin or a doppelganger or something?”

Now Joonmyun looks even more confused. “How did you...?” He glances down coincidentally and notices the tuple X Tour T-shirt Chanyeol is wearing under his jacket. Joonmyun takes a step backwards into the apartment, now looking cautious. “Oh. You're a fan.”

“A big fan!” Chanyeol says with impressive enthusiasm. “I own everything they've ever made, even the 2012 Pretty Pretty Kitty Party vol. 3 Desktop Calendar.”

Joonmyun blinks. “Wow, they only made like a hundred copies of that.”

“I know! Isn't it great?”

They both go quiet for a while, Joonmyun thinking, Chanyeol trying not to drool because Joonmyun is just as handsome up close as he is from twenty feet away with a small ocean of fangirls between them. Finally, Joonmyun glances at his wristwatch and sighs. “Okay, I don't have a lot of time right now, so I guess this'll have to do for tonight.” He gestures for Chanyeol to come inside. Chanyeol feels like he's walking on sacred ground as he steps across the threshold.

Joonmyun's apartment is simple and not very big. There is a kitchenette and a dining table in a closed off space, a small living room, two bedrooms and a bathroom. Overall, it looks more like a bachelor pad than a family home. “Cozy,” Chanyeol comments.

Joonmyun doesn't reply to that. “Come on.” He takes Chanyeol to one of the bedrooms, which looks more like a joint study-slash-kid's room with a few boxes of toys and a bed pushed into the corner. The sheets covering the little curled up lump of human are a light shade of pink, from what Chanyeol can see in the mostly dark room, and there's a night light in the shape of a star set up haphazardly by the side of the bed. “Her name is Yeonjin,” Joonmyun whispers. “She's four years old, and she's had kind of a rough day so she'll probably be sleeping through the entire night, but I need you to stay here and keep an eye on her in case she does wake up.”

“Sounds simple enough,” Chanyeol whispers.

They close her door to let her sleep and go back to the living room. “You can help yourself to anything in the fridge while you're here,” Joonmyun says as he walks around collecting his things to get ready to go. “And there's cable and plenty of DVDs if you're into that sort of stuff. I'm going to be away for a few hours today, but I'll try to be back before midnight if possible.”

“Got ya,” Chanyeol says. He follows Joonmyun to the front door where Joonmyun pauses and looks at Chanyeol as though he's still reluctant to leave him here on his own.

“I would very much appreciate if you kept quiet about this... whole thing. That's kind of what the extra money was for. Buying your silence.” Chanyeol frowns. He's not quite sure he understands. Joonmyun lets out a laugh that's awkward and bordering-on-panicked in equal measures. “I know you're probably going to want to tell your friends that you're working for your favorite band's manager. Please don't do that. Please don't. Please?”

“I won't,” Chanyeol assures him. “I won't tell anyone, I mean. I promise I won't. I'll be quiet.” He doesn't know why he's not allowed to tell anyone, but Joonmyun probably has his reasons. He seems pretty adamant about it, anyway. Chanyeol mimes zipping his lips.

“I really hope I can trust you.” Joonmyun sighs and glances at his watch once more. “I guess only time will tell, I have to go. See you later.”

With that, Joonmyun leaves, and Chanyeol is all by himself. The first thing he does is flop face down on the couch because he really needs to lay down for a while. Or for a week. He still can't believe this is happening. He's currently chilling on the couch in the apartment belonging to Kim Joonmyun, the manager of his favorite band. And he can't tell a soul about it.

 

As they agreed, Chanyeol calls Baekhyun to come drive him home once Joonmyun comes back from whatever he had to do. To no one's surprise, Baekhyun doesn't answer on the first try, so Chanyeol calls him a couple more times until he finally picks up the phone. “This better be important,” he says without any form of greeting. Judging by his labored breathing, Chanyeol knows exactly what he's doing. “I'm kind of in the middle of someone here.”

“You said you'd come pick me up, . Where the are you?”

“Right, . Give me, like... fifteen minutes?”

“You better work ing fast, then,” Chanyeol hears a female voice saying in the background.

Chanyeol grimaces. “Fine, whatever, just hurry up and do whomever you have to do. I'm freezing my balls off out here.” He hangs up quickly before he's forced to listen to any more of Baekhyun's freaky ploits – he's made that mistake before and has never been able to view whisks in the same light since – and sits down on the front stairs to wait.

True to his word, Baekhyun really does arrive fifteen minutes later. Chanyeol's is numb by then, and he hobbles towards the car and climbs into the passenger seat. Baekhyun takes off right away. “Freeze your balls off yet?” he asks with a grin, completely shameless.

“ you, dude,” Chanyeol says. He then remembers something, and he punches Baekhyun in the shoulder, feeling vindictively pleased when he lets out a yelp. “Why the did you never tell me you know Kim Joonmyun?”

Baekhyun stops whining to stare at Chanyeol in surprise. “Wait a minute, you know Joonmyun-hyung?” His expression turns sympathetic. “Did you sleep with him?”

“I wish,” Chanyeol mutters under his breath, and out loud he says: “Of course I know him. How could I not know Guardian Manager Suho?”

Baekhyun guffaws unattractively. Then again, pretty much everything about him is unattractive, if you ask Chanyeol. “What? That hyung? A manager? Please, have you seen the guy? He can't even manage his own ing wardrobe.” Honestly. Baekhyun is such an . Chanyeol doesn't know what he was thinking when he agreed to all those mutual s back in college. Maybe he wasn't thinking. Maybe his was doing all the thinking for him. Literally no one knows.

It doesn't take long for Chanyeol to find evidence in the form of a picture he took one of the times he went to see his Babies off at the airport, and he all but shoves his phone into Baekhyun's face to the sound of 'oh my God, Chanyeol, I'm driving' and 'you're gonna get us both killed'. “Look,” he says, tapping Joonmyun's beautiful face on the screen. Even mid-blink and with his mouth hanging open, he is practically a reincarnation of Adonis.

At the next red light, Baekhyun looks away from the road to squint at Chanyeol's phone. “Huh. I guess you were right. Joonmyun-hyung is a manager.”

“I can't believe you didn't tell me,” Chanyeol repeats. He's tempted to hit Baekhyun again.

“Hey, man, you know I don't really care about anyone other than myself. I didn't even know he had a kid until he asked me if I knew any good babysitters – I still haven't heard you say thank you for getting you that sweet gig, by the way – so how the hell was I supposed to know he handles attractive boys for a living?” He has a point. He is kind of a terrible friend. “Good, now can we focus on the things that are actually important here: who is that?”

Chanyeol looks down to see what Baekhyun is pointing at, and he snorts. “Oh. Him. His name is Do Kyungsoo, also known as D.O, and he's one of the lead singers of the group, but you do not wanna go there. Trust me on this.”

“Oh, but I do,” Baekhyun says with great conviction. The light turns green, and he starts driving again. “I wanna go there and I wanna come there, if you know what I mean.” Chanyeol makes a disgusted face. He'd rather not think about Baekhyun in any sort of situation involving various bodily fluids. It's bad enough that he has to hear about it on a regular basis. “. I mean .”

“Yeah, thanks, I got that.”

“Seriously, do you see those lips he's got on him?” Baekhyun goes on despite Chanyeol's obvious disapproval. “Made for , I tell ya!”

“He does have nice lips,” Chanyeol admits.

“Heck yeah! They're even better than your pseudo-boyfriend's!”

“Don't push it,” Chanyeol says sharply. No one is more perfect than Jongin. No one.

 

Much to Chanyeol's astonishment, he actually gets asked to come back. It's a surprise to him because Joonmyun hadn't exactly seemed eager to keep Chanyeol around, quite the opposite, really. It didn't seem like he could get Chanyeol to leave fast enough once his job was done.

“I'll admit, I was surprised as well when Joonmyun-hyung called me,” Baekhyun says when he's driving Chanyeol to the next appointment at Joonmyun's place. No one even asked him for his opinion, yet there he goes. “Personally, I don't understand why anyone at all would associate themselves with an embarrassment like you. I only do it because my kind heart can't bear the thought of seeing you friendless and alone as you would undoubtedly be without me.” Baekhyun is a terrible best friend.

“You're a terrible best friend,” Chanyeol says. “I'm dumping you for Luhan.” All Baekhyun does is send him a skeptical look. Chanyeol slumps his shoulders. “Okay, maybe I'm not.” The thing is, even though Baekhyun is a self-absorbed most of the time, Chanyeol still likes him for reasons unbeknownst to him. Everybody loves Baekhyun. It's probably witchcraft. Or the aforementioned suspected friendship with Satan.

“By the way, Joonmyun-hyung asked for your number so he can call you himself instead of going through me every time he needs to contact you, so I gave it to him. I hope that's okay.”

“Kim Joonmyun has my number?” Chanyeol wheezes.

“Oh, he also asked me to ask you not to treat him like a celebrity. It kind of makes him feel weird.”

“Kim Joonmyun feels weird because of me???” Chanyeol wheezes.

Baekhyun rolls his eyes violently. “Jesus ing Christ, you're ridiculous.”

“Did Kim Joonmyun say that? About me? Oh my God, tell me his exact words, I'm freaking out!”

Baekhyun all but kicks Chanyeol out of his car once they arrive at Joonmyun's place and speeds off without saying anything at all, wheels squeaking. Chanyeol huffs. Rude. He brushes himself off and heads for Joonmyun's apartment.

Chanyeol rings the doorbell and waits for the door to be opened, but when it does, no one's there. He blinks in confusion, looking left and right, and then finally down. And there's Yeonjin, staring up at him with her large eyes, her trusty teddy bear clutched tightly in one hand. Chanyeol smiles and crouches down to be on her level. “Hi, Yeonjinnie. Is your appa here?” Silently, the girl shakes her head, and Chanyeol furrows his brow. Did Joonmyun leave already? Baekhyun told him Joonmyun wanted to talk, and they had agreed to meet up at a specific time for that to happen. Chanyeol even came here earlier than planned, so why did he leave?

A second pair of legs walk into Chanyeol's field of view, and he looks up to see Joonmyun standing there. “Chanyeol-ssi. Come on in.” He steps aside to let Chanyeol enter and closes the door behind him afterwards. “Yeonjin-ah, can you go watch some cartoons while I talk to Chanyeol-ssi?”

“Okay, oppa,” Yeonjin says and trudges towards the living room, while Joonmyun takes Chanyeol to the kitchen where they can sit.

“Don't worry,” Chanyeol says, throwing in one of his winning smiles for good measure. Baekhyun says it makes him look deranged, but Baekhyun is a little so... “Some kids are just a bit slower in learning to speak and they get the vowels confused. She'll be calling you appa in no time.”

Joonmyun looks like he's not quite sure what Chanyeol's getting at, but he shakes it off and says: “I wanted to talk to you the last time you were here, but I didn't get the chance to because of time constrictions.” Chanyeol nods amicably. “I figure there are probably some questions you would like to have answered, so... this is your chance to ask away.”

There are so many things Chanyeol wants to ask, he doesn't even know where to begin. “Okay, I have a question,” he finally says after much deliberation. Joonmyun's face is folded in a serious expression, and he nods for Chanyeol to continue. Chanyeol takes a deep breath. “Is Minseok really as tall as his official profile states?”

Joonmyun blinks. “Pardon?”

“I mean, it says he's one meter and seventy-five centimeters, but I really don't think he's taller than Kyungsoo and Jongdae, and they're more like one seventy, give or take. I'm asking for a friend. Or for science, whichever will make you more susceptible to telling me The Truth.” Now Joonmyun is staring with his mouth hanging open. “Oh, and is Kyungsoo's kimchi spaghetti really an actual thing? Cause I tried to make it myself one time, and it wasn't very good, but maybe he has some secret ingredients or something that I just don't know about?”

“I... I kind of meant for you to ask about this whole babysitting situation,” Joonmyun says slowly.

“Oh.” That makes sense. That makes a lot of sense, actually. Chanyeol clears his throat, flustered. “Uhm, well... what do you think I should know?”

A few seconds are spent thinking this over. Then Joonmyun lets out a heavy sigh. “Yeonjin's mother passed away recently. That's why she's here now.”

“Oh no,” Chanyeol says. “That's awful. I'm so sorry for your loss.” Joonmyun looks like he wants to say something, but he holds himself back. It's okay. He's probably just sad. It's alright. Chanyeol can speak enough for the both of them. “So this is kind of a new arrangement, huh?” That would explain how lacking Yeonjin's bedroom is. Maybe Chanyeol should volunteer to do something about that, he's been told he's good with interior decoration (Baekhyun begs to differ but he also has a true to scale poster of Taeyeon hanging over his bed so he's not really in any position to criticize Chanyeol's abilities). “How's she handling it?”

“The kid? She's strong. She hasn't been crying much, but I think this is all kind of weird for her. You know, having to be around people who are practically strangers.”

For some reason, Chanyeol takes particular note of the last word. “Strangers?” he repeats and frowns. “You didn't have anything to do with Yeonjin before her mother passed away?” Again, Joonmyun looks torn, as if he has something on his mind and he's not sure if he should say it out loud or not. He actually looks kind of constipated, what with his crinkled face and all, but then his features smooth out and he runs a hand through his hair.

Before Joonmyun has the chance to say anything else, the doorbell rings, and he immediately blanches. “Oh no. This is not going to be pretty.” Chanyeol doesn't know how Joonmyun knows that without even having seen who's at the door. Perhaps, on top of being handsome and smart and, if the rumors are true, filthy rich, Joonmyun is also psychic. At this point, Chanyeol wouldn't be surprised if that was the case. Joonmyun is nearly perfect. Joonmyun stands up, but does a dismissing gesture when Chanyeol motions to get on his feet as well. “Just stay there,” he orders, softening the demand with an added: “Please.” So Chanyeol stays seated, like an obedient puppy, and stares longingly after Joonmyun as he leaves the kitchen.

Chanyeol can vaguely hear Joonmyun talking to whoever rang the doorbell, but they're still by the front door so all he really hears is muddled murmuring, at least until they start making their way further into the apartment. By that time, Chanyeol is still in the process of trying to wrap his mind around everything he's been told tonight, and it certainly doesn't help any when the newly arrived person calls out: “Yeonjin-ah, hello~.”

Right away, Chanyeol recognizes that voice. He'd recognize that voice in his mothering sleep. It belongs to his favorite human in the world, after all. He's tempted to brush it off as being someone who just sounds exactly like him, or maybe Chanyeol needs to get his hearing checked, because there's no way. No ing way is Kim Jongin standing right outside that doorway. Reality doesn't work like that, so the only way for that to happen is if Chanyeol is unknowingly the protagonist in one of those poorly written boy love fanfics he has seen posted on various websites (but totally never read because, honestly, who even reads fanfics? Totally not Chanyeol, nope).

He hears Joonmyun excusing himself, and then he enters the kitchen, looking wary. Oh God. Wary. Wary is bad. “Listen,” Joonmyun says, and Chanyeol does. He's not really capable of much else at the moment. “I know you're a fan–”

“A big one!”

“–but I'm going to need you to please stay calm.”

“Calm,” Chanyeol repeats, nodding eagerly. “I can do calm. Oh yeah. Totally.” Calm as a potato. Joonmyun looks just about as sure of this as Chanyeol feels (note: Chanyeol does not feel sure at all, he feels the opposite of sure), but he sighs and gestures for Chanyeol to follow nonetheless.

Evidently, Chanyeol is the protagonist of some poorly written boy love fanfic. Because right there, on the very same couch Chanyeol had a minor meltdown on the first time he was in this apartment, sits Kim Jongin. He has Yeonjin sitting next to him, and he's listening very intently with a fond smile on his face as she relays a story Chanyeol is too starstruck to pay attention to at all. He can't believe this is happening. This can't be real.

Jongin looks up when they approach. He's in casual clothes since they don't have anywhere to go today (Chanyeol would know, he keeps up with their schedule like it was his own), and his chocolate brown bangs fall softly across his forehead without any of the product they usually rub into it. He stands up when he sees Chanyeol and bows to him. “Hello,” Jongin mutters, and Chanyeol definitely doesn't swoon at the sound of his voice directed at him from a small, small distance of just five feet away. “Nice to meet you, I'm Kai.”

Chanyeol has thought about this moment. He has thought about it a lot. On more than one occasion, he has fantasized about meeting Jongin and about what he was going to say to him when he did. He has even practiced a nice, little speech, and also practiced making it sound like he didn't practice his words at all, like he's just a cool and totally swaggy bro, bro. Chanyeol's got this. He knows exactly what to say. So he opens his mouth, and... “I wanna have your babies.”

Jongin blinks in confusion, and he looks so cute and adorable and cute, and Chanyeol definitely doesn't swoon again. “Uh...” Jongin says.

“:)))))” Chanyeol says.

“Woah,” Jongin says, sounding both impressed and vaguely disturbed. “Did you just pronounce an emoji?”

“Chanyeol-ssi is a fan,” Joonmyun comes to the rescue before things can escalate any further.

“A big one,” Chanyeol adds for good measure. Important stuff.

Jongin nods and then seems to suddenly remember something, his face lighting up in recognition. “Oh! Do you sometimes hang around in front of the company building with this pretty, baby-faced dude? I think I remember seeing you there.” Chanyeol thinks he's going to scream right in Jongin's beautifully sculpted face. Kim Jongin remembers him. Kim Jongin has seen him around, and Chanyeol's mere presence has made enough of an impact for Jongin to actually remember him.

“Haha, that's great, will you excuse me for a moment.” Chanyeol most definitely doesn't run away, and he most definitely does not lock himself in the bathroom to hide.

(Except he kind of does.)

It takes a while for Chanyeol to gather up the courage to leave his One True Place of Sanctuary, but he does so in the end. He's here for the sake of business, after all, and he doubts they'll want to invite him back if he jumps out of the bathroom window to escape the overwhelming situation, not to mention the fact that that would not be a very good way to impress your idol. Also, Chanyeol would probably hurt himself pretty badly, maybe break a leg or two, and he's quite fond of his limbs in their current unbroken state. Yeah. Jumping out the window is definitely a no-go.

Jongin is still there when Chanyeol comes out of the bathroom, sitting on the couch in all his glory with his golden skin and his deep brown eyes and his soft-looking hair and, God, Chanyeol could write entire epics dedicated to the beauty of Kim Jongin. He does his best not to sigh dreamily. He's not sure he succeeds (probably not). “Ah, Chanyeol-ssi,” Joonmyun says once he spots him. He waves him over and has him sit on the couch, and Chanyeol tries not to hyperventilate. He's sitting three feet away from his favorite idol now. Three. ing. Feet.

Chanyeol knows he's staring, but he just can't help himself. He does feel a little bad when Jongin's eyes flicker nervously. “Uhm,” Jongin says. “D-do I have something on my face?”

Handsome, Chanyeol wants to say. You have handsome on your face.

He doesn't get to say anything, though, before Joonmyun clears his throat. He's smiling the kind of smile Chanyeol recognizes as a Strained Manager Expression, and Chanyeol immediately feels like he's in some sort of trouble so he sits up straighter, folding his hands demurely in front of himself. “Jongin, can you go play with Yeonjin in her room for a while?” Joonmyun asks. Jongin stands up and bows to Chanyeol because he is an Actual Saint and deserves to be addressed as such. Then he takes Yeonjin by the hand and leads her to the room while Chanyeol and Joonmyun both stay seated on each their couch.

As soon as the door is closed behind them, Chanyeol snaps his head sharply around to look at Joonmyun. “Oh my God,” he hisses. “Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, Kim Jongin knows me, he knows who I am. Is this real life?”

Joonmyun looks mildly concerned for Chanyeol's sanity, but he doesn't deem his rambling with a reply. He just sighs, rubbing his temples. “Listen, I understand that you are very emotionally attached to Jongin, but please do not forget that you are here for a job.”

That sobers Chanyeol up some, and, despite the mental breakdown he's currently in the middle of experiencing, he manages to fold his face into a more professional expression. “Right,” he says. “A job, yes. This is a job. I can do job.” He nods solemnly to himself, and Joonmyun seems more pleased with this attitude and less inclined to throw Chanyeol out of his home. “So, how does it work? I'm assuming it's going to be hard spending time with Yeonjin with such a busy schedule, especially now that there's the comeback and the variety show and the drama cameo.” He lists the various points on his fingers as he speaks.

“And that's why we need your help.” Joonmyun leans in closer as if speaking in confidentiality. He retreats slightly when Chanyeol leans in as well, but soon gets back on track. “Can you keep a secret, Chanyeol-ssi?” Chanyeol nods so eagerly he gets dizzy from it. Joonmyun doesn't look entirely convinced, yet he still sighs in resignation. “The truth is... Yeonjin is Jongin's daughter.”

Record scratch. Freeze frame. Yup, that's Chanyeol. You're probably wondering how he ended up in this situation, because Chanyeol sure does wonder. “I'm very confused right now,” he says, and he sounds pretty pathetic, even to himself. He just has so many questions. Jongin has a kid? How does that even work? How did that happen? When did it happen? Who was the mother? What was she like? What is the meaning of life? Where did we come from? Why are we here? Is Baekhyun ever going to pay him back the ten thousand won he borrowed that one time in the tenth grade? “How does he have a kid? How can he have children when he is a children?”

“I don't have to explain the birds and the bees to you, do I?” Chanyeol quickly shakes his head. He knows plenty about that already (courtesy of Baekhyun, mostly) so it won't be necessary. Joonmyun looks relieved. “Okay. Good. Praise the Lord.” He goes quiet for a moment, weighing his words, then he speaks again: “Jongin had a girlfriend, a high school sweetheart. They were young and stupid and thought they were in love so they...” He trails off and clears his throat. “Anyway... she got pregnant. We didn't know about it until Yeonjin had already passed her second birthday. Jongin didn't even know, they broke up before the mother found out and she never told him after.”

“Why'd she keep it a secret?”

“She said she wanted to protect him,” Joonmyun says. “She never planned on telling him, but then she got sick and eventually...” He runs a hand over his face, tired. “I guess she didn't want Yeonjin to be without a parent so she contacted the company, said the child was Jongin's daughter. At first we didn't believe her, we thought she was just lying to get attention and money, but Jongin insisted that she wasn't like that, that she wouldn't do that to him, and a paternity test backed him up. They started meeting up regularly so Yeonjin could get to know her dad and, well... here we are.”

“Kim Jongin has a kid,” Chanyeol mutters. It's still so difficult to grasp. “Breaking news.”

Joonmyun regards him in an uneasy manner. “Listen, I know it would probably bring in a good amount of money to sell a story like this to the tabloids, but–”

Chanyeol cuts him off with an indignant snort, bristling. “Uhm, excuse you. As if I'd ever sell anything at all to those despicable vultures when all they do is ruin people's lives. Please don't insult me like that.”

Joonmyun seems pleased with that answer, nodding to himself. “Good to know.” He glances at his wristwatch the way he always does. “Alright, I'm going to make this brief. The reason why we need a babysitter is because we're planning on bringing Yeonjin with us from time to time, so we're going to need you to come with us as well to keep an eye on her.” For what could possibly be the first time in his life, Chanyeol is speechless. He really doesn't know what to say. Joonmyun seems to misinterpret his silence as hesitance as he hurries to add: “Of course we'll compensate you for your hard work.”

Wow. This really must be a poorly written boy love fanfic. There's no way that could happen in real life. It's too unrealistic, too absurd, which is also why Chanyeol's first reaction is to laugh out loud. “I'm sorry,” he says, still chuckling. “I... I thought I heard you say that you want me to spend time with my favorite group in the entire world and also let me go backstage at their performances and be there when they film their shows and you're going to pay me for it?”

“Basically, yeah,” Joonmyun says. Chanyeol most definitely does not faint.

(Except he kind of does.)

 

His palms are sweaty. Knees weak. Arms spaghetti. There's spaghetti on his spaghetti already. Mom's spaghetti. That's probably not how the song goes, but there are more important things than the accuracy of dated pop culture references. The fact of the matter is that Chanyeol is pretty sure he's dying.

“You're not dying,” Baekhyun sighs when Chanyeol calls to relay the news of his imminent decay.

“, I might be,” Chanyeol retorts. “You don't know my life.” He can practically hear Baekhyun rolling his eyes over the phone. He frowns and promptly erases Baekhyun's name from the will he haphazardly scribbled on the used paper napkin he pilfered from Joonmyun's apartment. Luhan can inherit Chanyeol's Xbox instead.

“Alright, what happened this time?” Baekhyun says apathetically. He doesn't sound at all like he really cares about what Chanyeol is going to say, he's mostly just asking to appease Chanyeol and make him shut up (Chanyeol swears he can even hear the rustling sound of magazine pages turning in the background to really drive home Baekhyun's image of Not Giving a Single ), but he's the only person Chanyeol can talk to about this right now.

“Baek,” Chanyeol whispers, clutching his phone tightly. “I... I think I might have become a groupie.”

Baekhyun is trying very hard not to laugh, Chanyeol can tell. “A groupie,” Baekhyun repeats, voice wobbling with mirth. “You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.”

“Shut up, I totally know what it means.” Chanyeol totally doesn't know what it means, now that he thinks about it, but that's beside the point. “Baek,” he says again, just as dramatically as the first time. “I think I'm stuck inside a dream. Or maybe in some kind of really unrealistic, self-indulgent story written by an incompetent mouth-breather with too much time on their hands.”

“That's ridiculous. Who in their right mind would ever want to write a story about you?” Chanyeol lets out a non-committal, slightly panicked hum while casting looks around as if he'd somehow be able to get the answers to all his questions from the tall buildings surrounding him. "Think about it," Baekhyun goes on. “If this was really some sort of fairytale – a piece of fiction, if you will – don't you think I, your best friend, would be less of an towards you?”

“I guess that's a pretty good point,” Chanyeol admits.

“Of course it is!” Baekhyun exclaims. “Rule number one: Baekhyun is always right. Rule number two: nothing else matters because...”

“...Baekhyun is always right,” Chanyeol finishes with an excessive roll of his eyes. He has heard that spiel enough times already to be able to recite it by heart.

“Oh, look, you're finally learning, what a good boy,” Baekhyun coos, condescending, and Chanyeol is a little sad that Baekhyun is not here with him right now. That means he can't punch him in the , which is something he really wants to do. “Anyway, enough about me and all my perfections. Tell me what's going on with you, come on, talk to Daddy.”

Chanyeol gags. “Oh God. Please don't ever refer to yourself as 'Daddy' around me ever again.” Baekhyun just cackles like the shameless piece of he is, and Chanyeol really, really needs to find a new person to take on the title as Best Friend, but right now his priorities are in a different place, namely his current situation. He inhales deeply. And then he tells Baekhyun everything, in one long sentence, without taking a single breath, and without punctuation. He has to crouch down afterwards, putting his head between his legs to ward off the dizziness that inevitably comes with not breathing regularly for a prolonged period of time.

Despite Chanyeol's mostly incoherent rambling, Baekhyun still somehow manages to interpret the rushed words – he probably has years worth of deciphering rants in Fan Speak to thank for that – and he hums thoughtfully. “So basically they want you to be part of their entourage?”

“Basically,” Chanyeol wheezes out as confirmation. Baekhyun hums again, but that's it, that's all he does, and after a period of silence, Chanyeol gets impatient. “Well?”

“Hm? Well, what?” Baekhyun asks flippantly, as if it comes as a surprise to him that they're actually still having this conversation.

“What am I supposed to dooooo???” Chanyeol is just one level of whininess away from kicking his legs in anger like a disgruntled child.

Baekhyun sighs. “I don't know what the big deal is. Just... do what you always do.” Chanyeol whimpers and is about to object, but Baekhyun cuts him off: “This is just another job. Try not to think about who you're working for, and think about the fact that you're working instead.” That's... surprisingly solid advice, especially coming from Byun Baekhyun of all people. “Besides, I've seen you with kids, and I know you're good at what you do so you have nothing to worry about.”

Compliments from Baekhyun are few and far between, and Chanyeol feels oddly touched by his rare bout of sincerity. However, the two of them just don't do Feelings, so rather than expressing his gratitude, he defaults back to their usual banter. “Decent advice and a compliment?” he gasps. “Now I know for sure I must be dreaming.”

“Yeah, well, don't get used to it, turd-breath. My wisdom is a Precious Gift to be granted and it should be appreciated as such. Consider it an early birthday present.”

A sudden knock from somewhere behind Chanyeol startles him. “Cheese and rice!” he yelps as he loses his balance and falls flat on his flat . On the other side of the glass door, Joonmyun looks somewhere between amused and concerned, and Chanyeol is struck by the realization that, oh, right, he's still at Joonmyun's place. On the balcony. With a chair wedged under the door handle to keep it shut. Chanyeol holds up a finger to somehow communicate to Joonmyun that he will be done in just a second. Joonmyun just nods, and, God, he must have the patience of twenty men to be able to deal with Chanyeol's constant ups and downs. “I gotta go,” Chanyeol says to Baekhyun, who's waxing poetic about the beauty of Chanyeol's suffering on the other end of the line.

“Later, nerd,” Baekhyun responds. He hangs up before Chanyeol can throw back an insult, which, again, is something he really wants to do.

He also kind of wants to knock himself unconscious to escape the embarrassment he's currently feeling after his impressive pratfall, not to mention the fact that he... kind of... locked himself out on somebody else's balcony. Luckily for him, he's a good enough actor to pretend he isn't completely mortified once he opens the door and steps back into the apartment. “Hi,” he says, grinning sheepishly. “Uhm, sorry about that.”

“Girlfriend?” Joonmyun asks.

“Baekhyun,” Chanyeol says, and Joonmyun lets out a sound of understanding.

“Close enough.”

It takes a moment for Chanyeol to notice the curl of Joonmyun's lips and realize that he's joking, but when he does notice, he snorts. “Ew,” he says, pulling a disgusted face. “No thank you. Only a person with no respect for themself would ever date Baekhyun. Either that or they're just as ty of a human being as he is and can tolerate his bull.” Chanyeol really shouldn't have said anything. He really should have kept his mouth shut. Joonmyun is wearing the constipated expression again, a wry smile and furrowed eyebrows, and it dawns on Chanyeol that, oh.

“Everyone makes mistakes,” Joonmyun hurriedly says when he sees Chanyeol's jaw drop. The way his eyes flicker and the flush of his cheeks is kind of cute. “It was a dark time in my life.” Chanyeol just nods, afraid of saying anything else for fear of touching on another taboo subject. Honestly, he, himself, has had a few too many moments of Romantic Eye Contact with Baekhyun's to be allowed to judge Joonmyun's past relationships and-slash-or mistakes. Joonmyun clears his throat. “A-anyway. Back to what we were talking about. Have you considered our proposition? I can't quite figure out if blacking out and then running away is a positive or a negative response.”

“Yes.”

Joonmyun raises his eyebrows. “Pardon?”

“Yes,” Chanyeol repeats, and when Joonmyun continues to appear confused, he elaborates: “Uh, I mean, yes, I'll do it.” I'll do whatever you ask of me, master, remains thankfully unsaid. It's good to know Chanyeol still has some self-control left in him.

“Oh. That's... that's great.” Joonmyun neither sounds nor looks as though he actually means that. In fact, more than anything, he looks even more wary now that Chanyeol has agreed to do it. “I apologize if I don't seem very welcoming, I'm just... a little hesitant to hire you for this, seeing as you're a fan and all. It's a pretty important job, and I'm worried you might not have your priorities straight.” Chanyeol opens his mouth, ready to defend himself, but Joonmyun continues before he can do so: “Baekhyun put in a good word for you, though, so... I guess I should at least give you a chance to prove your worth. Not that following Baekhyun's advice has ever done me any good.” He adds the last part under his breath with a wry half-smile.

“I can do it,” Chanyeol says with great conviction. “I won't let my emotions get in the way of me taking care of Yeonjin. I'm a Professional. Totally.”

Pensive, Joonmyun lets his eyes roam over Chanyeol's features as if looking for some sort of sign that he's lying, something to confirm his own concerns. Whatever he sees on Chanyeol's face seems to appease him, and Joonmyun's shoulders drop as the tension seeps out of them. He lets out a sigh. “I hope I'm not going to regret this,” he says, reaching out his hand to shake on it.

Chanyeol considers saluting, but fears it might compromise his credibility as a Totally Serious Business Person. Instead he just nods earnestly and tries not to visibly freak out as he takes Joonmyun's proffered hand (he's touching Kim Joonmyun!!!!!). “You can trust me,” he promises, and his voice, thankfully, only trembles a bit.

 

And as he makes his way home – using public transit, for once, because Baekhyun is tired of driving him around everywhere “like a goddamn soccer mom” – Chanyeol wonders idly if he would have ever gotten the chance to actually babysit Yeonjin had the writer of this story managed to continue writing it.

Literally no one knows.

 

~*~

 

A/N: surprise! I haven't written anything in a very long time because of Life™, so here's this previously unfinished piece of work that I polished up a bit and tossed in your general direction. [jazzhands.jpeg]

notes:
 - this was supposed to be a lot longer. I had a fully fledged out plot in mind and everything, but the passion died. I felt like what I had written was too good to go to waste, though, so I wrote somewhat of a wrapup and posted it. this is it.
 - yixing's teaser, jongin's teaser, bbh's developed crush (I couldn't not add this). you can guess from the chat usernames who else is in the group.
 - yeonjin isn't real nor is she based on anyone real. neither is her mother.
 - title from qotsa's song of the same name.
 - Tip Jar.