pairing: hunhan. not-so-ninja!sudo (if you're more perceptive than dumbhun).
word count: 3900.
rating: pg.
genre: fluff, comedy/crack (as in "what the hell kind of crack was this author on when she wrote this jfc").
summary: in which sehun is a lost cause and luhan is totally deceptively innocent.
 

All Sehun wanted to do on this particular Wednesday afternoon was enjoy a nice venti mint java chip frappuccino blended coffee with caramel sauce and whipped cream and just a bit of hazelnuts sprinkled on top while he added the finishing touches to the assignment he was working on.

Rather than his favorite caffeinated beverage, however, he gets a lapful of coffee courtesy of one of his fellow customers, who just so happens to trip over air right next to his table. Sehun hisses as the liquid seeps through his pants and he promptly stands upright out of reflex, which in turn causes the table he's sitting at to tilt over, which in turn sends his laptop sliding towards a horrible, premature death. Years later he will still remember the way his heart stops for what feels like minutes before the computer, one of his most prized possessions, lands safely on the plush seat across from the one he had been sitting in. He lets out a sigh of relief.

"Oh my God!" Sehun snaps his head around to look at the other customer who is still standing there next to him with a now empty tray clutched in his hands, staring at him with eyes that are wide enough to rival his friend Kyungsoo's (and his eyes are pretty damn wide). "Oh my God, oh my God, I'm sorry! I'm so, so sorry! Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God!" He watches as the other, who is younger than him from the looks of it, drops to his knees and begins patting his crotch not-so-carefully with a wad of tissues that materialized seemingly out of nowhere. "I'm really sorry, oh my God, what do I do? Did it burn you? Does it hurt? It doesn't hurt, right? Oh my God!"

"It's fine, it's fine," Sehun mutters. He considers telling the other that the beverage currently soaking his jeans definitely feels more like iced coffee - the frozen cubes now littering the floor by their feet confirms that - and the chances of him getting frostbite is greater than the chances of him getting burned, but he figures he'll spare him the humiliation. "I'm fine, really. Don't worry."

The male kneeling on the floor doesn't seem to hear him as he keeps patting the wet spot while mumbling apologies that sometimes sounds like they're in a foreign language and the longer he pats, the redder Sehun's face gets because people are starting to stare and it's kind of really, really awkward to stand in the middle of a coffee shop with a random stranger practically groping your crotch. "Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, oh my God."

"I said it's fine, just- yah, would you freaking stop?" The other jerks his hand away and hesitantly gets on his feet. Sehun lets out a heavy sigh, running his tongue over his lips, a habit of his that presents itself mostly whenever he is nervous or frustrated and at the moment he's a little bit of both. "Look, I told you it's fine and I'm alright so you really don't have to-, wait, no, wait, are you crying? No. No, no no no, why are you crying? Don't do that!"

Sehun watches in horror as tears begin to trickle down the other's cheeks and heaving, wheezing breaths course through his slender frame. "I'm sorry," he wails. "I'm s-so s-s-sorry, I... I just had a really, really bad d-day and then you a-and the coffee and..." The rest of his words morph into unintelligible blubbering. Sehun shoots a look around the cafe. Several people are glaring at him, silently judging him as if he just slapped the poor boy even though all he really did was exist.

He timidly reaches out to pat the shorter boy on the arm. "There, there," he says and feels his face flush from the sheer awkwardness. He was never good at comforting people. For some reason, however, the other seems to take his gesture as some sort of invitation because in the next second he has latched on to Sehun and is bawling into his shoulder and Sehun can only stand there unmoving as his shirt is slowly getting soaked too. Perfect.

Sehun watches lips wrap around a thick straw a little more intently than he probably should considering that twenty minutes prior he wasn't even aware of this guy's existence. In his defense he hasn't had for almost a year - though an nearly unsuccessful drunken one night stand with his hot-yet-thoroughly-ungifted TA certainly isn't much to brag about - and the other is cute, like, really cute. With his pretty, little button nose that's a bit pink because he has been crying and his big, wet eyes and his flushing cheeks and his mouth, oh, his mouth.

Sehun clears his throat and crosses his legs and tries to pretend that he didn't just think what he thought. "Are you feeling any better?" He's sort of impressed with himself for being able to keep his voice steady. The other sniffles and nods. They're sitting on a bench now because the scary manager of the cafe they were at earlier came out from the backroom and stared at them really hard, so Sehun had to pack up his things and drag this complete stranger with him to a nearby park and after that it took him more than fifteen minutes to calm down the weeping boy.

Said boy takes another sip of the bubble tea Sehun has bought him on the way and munches on one of the chewy tapioca balls. It totally doesn't make sense for Sehun to take money out of his already tight budget just to buy useless stuff for the person who just ruined his pants and his favorite shirt in a matter of minutes, but he really needed something to shut him up. People were staring. It was awkward. "I'm Luhan," he mumbles. His name has a foreign tone to it just like his accent. By now Sehun is really wondering where he came from, because he's obviously not all Korean. He feels like it would be rude of him to just blatantly ask, though.

"Sehun," he introduces himself instead. "Oh Sehun."

Luhan sniffles. "I'm really sorry, I... I don't usually break down in front of complete strangers like this." Sehun is about to assure him once more that, really, it's okay, but apparently Luhan isn't done talking and even though Sehun doesn't recall asking he listens nonetheless, mostly because Luhan's voice is pretty nice: "I just lost my job today and on top of that my boyfriend of three years broke up with me. He didn't even have the decency to call me, he just sent me a ing email!"

Sehun mentally adds 'likes boys' on his List of Reasons to Make a Move on Luhan right below 'he's cute' and 'he's really cute'. He adds 'recently broken up with' on his List of Reasons Not to Make a Move on Luhan. Then he curses himself for even having these lists in the first place. He blames hormones and ual deprivation. "That jerk," he says as sympathetically as he can muster, hoping that that will be considered an adequate response.

"I know, right?" Luhan flails oddly in what Sehun interprets as a gesture to express his aggravation. "The bastard said it's because he doesn't want a long distance relationship, but he already changed his profile picture on Weibo to one where he's posing with that from accounting." Sehun nods and pretends like he knows what the other is talking about. Luhan takes a long, loud sip of his bubble tea. He then proceeds to stare at Sehun's crotch for such an excruciatingly long amount of time that the latter is starting to feel really, really uncomfortable, even more so than he already did. "Sorry about your pants," he finally says.

Glancing down at the wet spot that is still obvious even against the dark denim fabric of his jeans, Sehun shrugs. "They're washable."

"But you'll get cold. You'll get sick! This will not do!" Sehun swears he nearly has a heart attack when the other seizes him by his wrist and he has no choice but to stagger after the shorter male, who can walk surprisingly fast. "I shall lend you pants, I live nearby."

"O-oh, that isn't necessary," the other attempts.

"Nonsense, you will borrow pants and that is final."

"But..." Sehun begins, but Luhan used pout. It's super effective. Sehun quickly gives up resisting and allows himself to be dragged along.

Luhan's apartment is... not quite what Sehun had expected. It's rather small. Tiny, even. He can probably fit two and a half of this guy's apartment into the one he shares with his roommate slash childhood friend slash pseudo father, Joonmyun, and he finds this to be strange considering Luhan is seemingly younger than he is so isn't it wrong for him to be living on his own? "Where are your parents?" Sehun asks as he studies his surroundings.

Luhan, who is dragging him towards the closet in the opposite end of the tiny room that is living room, kitchen and bedroom all in one, eyes him oddly. "Back in China?" There's an inquiring tone to his response as if he's worried about the other's ulterior motives.

"China?" That answers his second question, but not his third. "Uhm, how old are you anyway?"

"Almost twenty-three," Luhan responds with a bright grin. Sehun nearly swallows his own tongue.

"No way," he gasps and is quite proud of the way he totally manages to not sound like he just had a near death experience.

"Yes way." Luhan's entire torso is buried inside the closet he's rummaging through and he lets out a triumphant hah! right before he pulls out a pair of simple, grey sweats and holds them out for Sehun to take. "I think our sizes are a bit different, but these should fit you. Take your pants off."

"Going straight for third base, huh?" Sehun mutters under his breath as he reaches up to undo the button of his pants. The bad thing is that Luhan hears it. The good thing is that he doesn't seem to understand what the other means by his comment. He just his head to the side, blinking his large eyes. Sehun sputters helplessly. "I-I... I didn't m-... uh... never mind."

Luhan shrugs and s the sweats at Sehun. His eyebrows pull together in the middle as he looks the other up and down (the action totally doesn't make Sehun's skin crawl with tension or anything). "Do you need underwear too or...?"

Sehun thinks about wearing someone else's underwear. Then he thinks about the process of having to change into said underwear and about being half- in Luhan's apartment as a result. He shoots a sidelong glance at the other to see him looking expectantly back at him. He does the math. Half-ness plus one pretty Luhan plus copious amounts of ual frustration equals bad to the nth degree. He swallows the lump that seems to be permanently stuck in his throat. "I-I think I'll manage without, thanks," he blurts out in a voice that's too high-pitched for comfort.

Luhan shrugs again and smiles a little. And he definitely doesn't look like a person who's about to go somewhere else or turn around or something like that to give the other privacy to change without being watched. Sehun hesitates for a second but then he shakes his head to himself. Whatever. They're both guys, it's not a big deal. It shouldn't be, anyway.

He changes out of his own pants and into the borrowed ones quickly and without paying any mind to Luhan's leering - he's not even sure it's even right to refer to it as leering, this guy doesn't really seem like the type to do something like that, he looks so innocent. But he's definitely staring and he's definitely not doing anything to hide it, which only makes Sehun's movements more urgent.

The pants turn out to be a bit too short on Sehun's long legs while his waist is a bit too narrow for them, but it's admittedly nicer than having to wear jeans soaked in ice coffee. Once he's done changing he turns to the other, who's still smiling (or is that a smirk?), Sehun's discarded pants hanging on his forearm. Sehun didn't even notice him picking them up from the floor. Most likely because was too busy being self-conscious. "I'll wash these for you," Luhan offers.

Sehun considers declining, but he changes his mind. He doesn't want to be subjected to another dose of Luhan's unintentional aegyo as it would most likely turn him into a puddle of goo and he's quite fond of his solid form. "Okay," is all he says, sighs. Luhan beams. Sehun nearly melts. Flustered, he averts his gaze. "I-I, uh... I really have to go now, though. I need to, you know..." He makes a gesture towards the messenger bag he left by the door. "...do stuff and... stuff."

"Oh okay." Sehun thinks that Luhan almost looks dejected, though he's pretty sure that's not the case. Why would he? It's not like they were going to do anything (right?). "Let's exchange contact information so I can give these back to you when I'm done." He pats the pants that are draped over his arm and his pretty lips are curved into a smile, which means by default that Sehun can't say no.

A few minutes later he leaves the apartment with Luhan's number saved in his phonebook.

Sehun has no idea what time it is when he finally stumbles through the front door to his own home. All he knows is that it's somewhere between sundown and midnight. He had found another cafe to try to finish the aforementioned assignment only to lose track of time because apparently Luhan had somehow drilled his way into Sehun's mind and settled there to plague him with thoughts of lingering gazes and sweet smiles and pretty much everything other than the work he had to do.

After kicking off his shoes Sehun shuffles through the hallway to the living room and flops down on the couch. He doesn't even care that the three-seater is already occupied, he just swings his long legs onto whoever's lap and burrows his face into the flower-patterned cushion (Joonmyun picked out the furniture, okay) with a groan as he wills himself to suffocate.

"Uhm, welcome home?" sounds a soft, hesitant voice and, oh, good, Kyungsoo is here. Sehun mumbles something unintelligible and takes in a mouthful of velour at the same time, coughing and spitting when dust particles and hair fill his mouth. Kyungsoo pats him consolingly on the back of the thigh. "Did you eat?" Sehun's stomach rumbles in response, which elicits a chuckle. "Want me to go make you something?"

"Please." He bends his legs at the knee when Kyungsoo swats at his calf to allow the older to get up from the couch and he hears him walking to the kitchen, exchanging a few words with someone - presumably Joonmyun - on the way. Momentarily he wonders why Kyungsoo is always at their apartment even when none of them is around. Why is he not at his own place? Does he even have a key? The thought quickly leaves him again. Thinking is too painful.

It doesn't take long for Sehun to decide that this type of death doesn't seem very honorable nor very pleasant so he gives up on that idea and turns his head to the side to breathe oxygen rather than fabric. Someone - presumably Joonmyun - occupies the space Kyungsoo vacated. Sehun shamelessly stretches his legs across his lap once he's seated. "Where were you?" he - now confirmed to be Joonmyun - asks. Because he's paternal like that.

"Cafe." Sehun's cheek is getting squashed. He doesn't care. "Assignment. Stuff." He doesn't talk about Luhan. He doesn't want to talk about Luhan. His brain hurts enough without him having to think about pretty, pretty Luhan ogling his gangly legs and pastel-toned underwear. Sehun whines and buries his head under an embroidered throw pillow (Joonmyun, okay).

Kyungsoo returns with the food not too long after, presenting them as 'leftovers from dinner' as he sets it down on the coffee table. Sehun scrambles into a corner of the couch to make room for the older to sit. He eagerly reaches for the plate. Out of the corner of his eye he catches sight of the other two and he thinks to himself that they're sitting a bit too close considering how much room is actually available for them on the couch but, oh man, that food smells really nice. He didn't even realize how hungry he was.

It's a little eerie how Kyungsoo and Joonmyun watches while he eats. Sehun is so used to it that it doesn't really bother him that much anymore, though. He has learned by now that they're trying to make sure he chews his food properly and doesn't just gobble it down. Sometimes he swears that they're more like parents to him than his own. That's a little eerie too. "Where are your pants?" Kyungsoo asks, staring at the lower half of Sehun's body with a frown. "Those are not yours."

Sehun doesn't even question how the older knows that. "Luhan," he just sighs and quickly adds: "Don't ask." He knows that they both want to, it's easy to tell from the way their mouths close when he tells them no. They don't ask, though, and that's good. He doesn't want to talk about Luhan.

Sehun gets to eat in silence. He's about halfway through his reheated dinner when his phone vibrates in his pocket - once again he had happily managed to forget all about his borrowed pants until he reached down and felt soft cotton rather than stiff denim (memory span of a goldfish or something) - and he pulls the device out with an ease he's not normally used to. Then again, his pants are a lot less tight than usual so that's probably why. Maybe he could get used to this.

The name on the screen makes Sehun cringe. Curiosity overtakes him, however, and he unlocks the phone to read the message.

     from: Lulu
     so now uve gotten in2 my pants, how can i get in2 urs? ;)

Sehun manages to cover both the sweats and the flower-patterned cushions in half-chewed blobs of spaghetti and cheese and kimchi when he chokes on his late dinner. Kyungsoo clicks his tongue in disapproval and complains about good food being wasted. Joonmyun whines about how expensive that couch was and how much money he's going to have to spend to get it cleaned and is it even possible to get stains like that out of velour?

Another message ticks in and if Sehun hadn't been completely frozen and unable to tear his eyes away from the screen he probably wouldn't have read it. Unfortunately he's not that lucky.

     from: Lulu
     nice btw

Death by floral print-induced asphyxiation doesn't seem like such a terrible idea to Sehun anymore. At least not compared to dying of shame.

It's with a feeling of hesitation that Sehun finds himself standing in front of the exact coffee shop where it all started just half a week prior. Luhan had suggested via text to meet up there to exchange pants and Sehun agreed mostly because the pants he had left in the other's hopefully capable hands were two hundred thousand won designer jeans and he really wants them back (but also a little bit because he wants to see Luhan again. A little bit).

He jumps when someone taps him on the shoulder and whirls around to come face to face with Luhan. "Hello again," he says brightly and Sehun flushes and mumbles a greeting in response. The other still looks naive and inexperienced, but the startling amount of lewd messages Sehun received over the course of the weekend contradicts both of those misconceptions.

The light of the sun falls on Luhan's face and makes his long lashes gleam and his eyes glisten in the most cliché of ways and he looks almost angelic like this. Sehun is almost completely sure the other picked to stand in that spot on purpose to come off that way. He now knows that Luhan is far from angelic, that he's only deceptively innocent. But he sure is pretty. "I forgot how pretty you are," Sehun exhales wistfully before he can stop himself. Luhan's eyes widen in amusement and Sehun's pokerface slips as he starts to cough.

Luhan lets out a tinkling laugh. "I'll take that as a compliment," he says. It's a good thing there are no couches around. The suffocation urge is back with a vengeance. "I brought your pants." Luhan gestures to the backpack he's wearing.

"I brought yours too." Sehun holds up the plastic bag. The exchange is fast and painless, but they still stay standing across from each other for a little longer as if none of them really wants to part (at least that's what Sehun likes to think it means). He has a hard time looking the other in the eye because maybe he's been thinking about those eyes looking up at him from somewhere between his legs a little too often these past few days. Maybe.

"So I guess this is it?" Luhan says. His tone is neutral, but Sehun knows that this is his opening. If he wants to strike he has to do it now.

"Uhm," he exclaims just as the other looks like he's about to turn and leave and he's not even sure what he's doing anymore, but Luhan has turned to look expectantly at him again so he has to say something. "The day that we met... the whole thing about losing your job and your boyfriend and everything... was that just something you made up to lure me in?"

Sehun regrets asking about it the moment Luhan's expression turns glum. "No," he sighs, lowering his gaze. "No, it... it wasn't. I really did have a terrible day." He looks up again. "I met you, though, so I guess it wasn't all bad."

"Oh." Sehun is totally not blushing or anything. "Then I have another question." He his lips and shoots a glance at the couple walking by with the stroller and the elderly woman sitting on a bench and this really isn't the ideal place to have this conversation. Seeing Luhan nodding in encouragement he bravely carries on regardless: "So, uh... you know that... thing... that thing you said you wanted to do... you know... with the... the popsicle and the banana... you know?"

Luhan's face seems to go from confusion to comprehension to deviousness in just a matter of seconds as he remembers that one particularly explicit text message he had sent. "Yeah?" he drawls and now it's definitely a smirk curling at his lips, that's for sure.

Sehun swallows something. "Would you really... you know... that?"

Luhan takes a step closer. He arches a brow. "Care to find out?" he purrs.

And thus Sehun's brain turns to mush.

~*~

A/N: you know what I hate more than anything about writing? thinking up titles for stories. TT_____TT
today is the day exactly right in between sehun and luhan's birthdays (april 12 and april 20) so I decided to post this as kind of a celebration fic, I guess. I have no excuses whatsoever for this. I started it months and months and months ago... like, literally ten months ago. but I didn't manage to finish it until recently, which means it turned out a lot differently than I had originally planned since my impression of the members (especially sehun and luhan) changed a bit over the course of these few months. I'd like to think that this story is pretty funny. it's probably not, though. uhm, yeah. that's all.
hopefully this offering of gifs will make up for the lack of substance this story has:

thanks for reading and subscribing and commenting and it's okay if you don't comment too, I'm just happy you're here. ^^v