pairing: baeksoo.
word count: 4300.
rating: PG-13.
genre: humour, fluff.
summary: kyungsoo and baekhyun pretend to be engaged to get free cake.
 

“I have a great idea.”

Kyungsoo raises an eyebrow. Throughout the decades they've known each other, Baekhyun has had many self-proclaimed 'great ideas', and very few of them have actually been great. Thus, it is with no small amount of skepticism that Kyungsoo asks a tentative: “What?”

With his fingers steepled, Baekhyun paces the length of the kitchen floor a few times, seemingly considering how to formulate his sentence. Then, when his two collective brain cells finally clunk together, he stops and spins around to face Kyungsoo, who's sitting at the dining table with his breakfast. Of course Baekhyun would choose to do this in the middle of Kyungsoo's morning ritual consisting of coffee and perfectly toasted toast and the daily newspaper. “Hear me out,” Baekhyun says. “Hear me out, okay? What if, hear me out... we pretend to be engaged...”

“Already hate it.”

Baekhyun whines, stomping his foot like a petulant child. “You didn't even hear me out!” Kyungsoo shrugs and takes a sip of his coffee. It's before seven in the morning on a regular Wednesday, and it's way too early to entertain hypotheses as outlandish as the one Baekhyun seems to be about to suggest. Just the thought of dating Baekhyun is enough to make Kyungsoo's skin break into goosebumps. Because he loathes the idea. Obviously. “You promised you'd hear me out!”

“I didn't, actually,” Kyungsoo objects, but Baekhyun seems insusceptible to logic at the moment.

“Here's the mothering tea, Christine,” Baekhyun says, rudely ignoring Kyungsoo's very sensible query of 'who the is Christine?' in favor of doing some weird, tapping hand motion. “In honor of Pride Month, that one pastry shop down the street from here is hosting free wedding cake tasting for all queer couples planning on getting married.”

Kyungsoo frowns. “That sounds like a wildly exploitative, capitalistic move from the business' side, not to mention a gross ization of the entire LGBTQIA+ community.”

“Yeah, I agree, but also, have you considered this very compelling counterargument?” Baekhyun plops down in the chair across from Kyungsoo. He leans in conspiratorially and whispers: “Free cake.” He leers at Kyungsoo as if he expects this to elicit some sort of epiphany, but falters when Kyungsoo just emits a pensive hum. “Come on, you know you love those bougie elderflower lemonade and chia seed cupcakes from that place.”

“. I do love those.” Kyungsoo stares longingly out the window as he reminisces about the cupcakes of yesteryear. He loves those damn things, but his wallet and his waistline do not. Eliminating the money aspect of it certainly makes the suggestion more tempting. A lot more. “Free, huh?” The expression on Baekhyun's face is the one that Kyungsoo hates the absolute most. It's the smug, smarmy look he gets when he knows he has already won Kyungsoo over despite his continuous protests. “We're not even dating, though.”

“That's why I said pretend to be engaged,” Baekhyun says, and when Kyungsoo still doesn't look entirely convinced, he adds: “If it makes you feel any better, you can tell yourself you're screwing over The Man by tricking an unsuspecting business owner into giving you lots of cake. I've heard from semi-reliable sources that the lady, who owns this place, isn't as 'all inclusive' as she claims to be, and that she's probably only doing this for clout.”

“Really?”

Baekhyun nods sagely. “Yeah, the store went viral a while back because the owner denied service to a lesbian couple because she 'wasn't comfortable with their choice of lifestyle', and now she's suddenly some great queer fairy godmother? Sure, Kathy.” Kyungsoo frowns. If he had known the owner was such a bigot he would have never supported her business at all, but, alas, he is now trapped in a prison of chia seeds and elderflower. Baekhyun seems to sense Kyungsoo's turmoil because he quickly continues: “But, hey, that's even more reason to scam them out of cake, right?” He s a hand forward across the table, fist clenched. “Fight the power.”

“Fight the power,” Kyungsoo concurs with a sigh, bumping his knuckles against Baekhyun's, and Baekhyun grins widely.

“I'll go get the engagement rings from my room.”

“You really put a lot of thought into this thing, huh?” Kyungsoo muses.

It's a Saturday. With matching bands of white gold wrapped around their fingers, Kyungsoo and Baekhyun stand in front of the pastry shop. Kyungsoo doesn't know when and where Baekhyun even got those rings, but he's pretty sure they could've used the money to buy out half the cakes in the shop judging by the size of the diamonds adorning the jewelry. There's something counter-intuitive about spending such a large sum of cash on a scam with no financial benefit. Kyungsoo thinks it's better not to mention it when Baekhyun looks so proud of himself, though. “Of course.”

“And what about when they start asking questions? How we met, when the wedding is, if we plan on adopting or using a surrogate, who's the man in the relationship?”

“Relax,” Baekhyun drawls. He slings an arm around Kyungsoo's shoulders, and Kyungsoo resists the urge to shake it off, but only because he can see the lady behind the counter inside the store ogling them through the window. “Just let me do the talking and follow my lead, yeobo.”

Kyungsoo's stomach flips. ”Don't call me that.”

”No? What should I call you then? Jagi? Baby? Honeybunches of oats? My little, wittle mochi pochi-poo?” The last suggestion is accompanied by Baekhyun squeezing Kyungsoo's cheeks until his lips jut out in a forced pout.

“I am actually going to throttle you,” Kyungsoo deadpans, though it comes out muffled through his squashed mouth and isn't as intimidating as he would have liked it to be. Thankfully, Baekhyun knows him well enough to know that he's not kidding. He removes his hands, and Kyungsoo massages his face with a sour grumble. “I hate you.”

Baekhyun tuts. “Now now, is that any way to speak to your future husband? You should give me a kiss to make up for being mean!” Kyungsoo ignores him and his puckered lips and enters the shop.

The lady walks around the counter to greet them far too enthusiastically and far too high-pitched for it to be entirely natural. Her haircut demands to speak to a manager, even though she, herself, is a manager. It's quite the paradox, Kyungsoo thinks. “Congratulations on your big day!” the lady squeals, and she hugs Kyungsoo even though he in no shape or form invited this. “I am totally, one hundred percent accepting of your choice of lifestyle! Love is love, am I right?” She laughs, loud and shrill. Kyungsoo can feel himself fast developing an eye twitch. He manages to plaster a smile onto his face just in time as the lady pulls back, holding him at arms' length. “Now, which one of you will be wearing the dress?” She's joking. Surely, she's joking, she must be. She keeps looking back and forth between them expectantly and, oh. Oh no. She's not joking.

That is probably Kyungsoo's least favorite stereotype, which is why he has such a visceral reaction to it. “Neither of us,” he snaps. “No one will be wearing a dress. We are literally both the man in the relationship, that's the entire point of being a same couple, and we will both be wearing tuxedos, thank you very much.” Though he wouldn't put it past Baekhyun to attend his own wedding fully decked out in drag. Baekhyun would.

The lady looks startled by Kyungsoo's outburst. Thankfully, Baekhyun is there to smooth things over. “Hello, I'm Baekhyun Byun, we spoke on the phone earlier this week.” He leans against the counter with the kind of smile Kyungsoo knows for a fact has been used to charm the underwear off women and men alike. “Listen, Deborah... may I call you Deborah?”

“My... my name is Karen.”

“Of course it is,” Baekhyun says in a tone as if he's speaking to a very small child. Once more, he wraps an arm around Kyungsoo, this time s around his waist, and Kyungsoo can feel all the blood in his body rushing to his face. “Karen. This man here is the love of my life, and I will do anything in my power to make sure our wedding will be the happiest day he's ever going to experience. Do you understand?”

Karen nods eagerly. “Yes, yes, of course,” she says as she hurries to lead them to the backroom where the tasting table is set up. “Right this way, mr. and, uh, mr. Byun.”

“Bold of her to assume I'd take your last name,” Kyungsoo mutters under his breath only for Baekhyun to hear. He hates how much he doesn't hate the thought of it, but that's too confusing to think about so he chooses not to.

Apparently, when Baekhyun had talked to Karen, he had asked for as many different options as she could possibly offer them because they 'weren't quite sure what they were looking for yet' and they 'wanted their special cake for their special day to be absolutely perfect'. As such, Karen has prepared a variety of different flavors of samples of cake, frosting, jelly and toppings. Kyungsoo's body is going to hate him for this, but he'll cross that bridge when he gets to it. Right now, there are more important things to focus on.

For instance, fluffy lemon sponge cake with champagne buttercream and fresh strawberries. Brownie with peanut butter frosting and dark chocolate ganache. Carrot and poppy seed cake with cream cheese frosting and candied carrot on top. “This one is a vanilla bean cake with white chocolate mousse and raspberry coulis,” Karen introduces the next item. It's about ten minutes into their appointment and already she looks like the exhaustion runs bone deep within her. Kyungsoo is sure he used to look like that as well back when he first met Baekhyun in elementary school, but by now he has two decades of forced exposure and a nasty coffee addiction to help him get through his daily life with Baekhyun. Karen is not as lucky, having watched with increasing horror as Baekhyun devoured pastry after pastry without remorse.

Baekhyun cuts a corner of cake with his tiny fork. This time, however, instead of bringing it to his own mouth, he holds it in front of Kyungsoo's. “Open wide for me, babe,” he says. “Ah~.”

Kyungsoo stares at him. “I would literally rather die than let you feed me.”

Karen looks startled, but Baekhyun just chuckles. “He's shy,” he explains, and Kyungsoo ducks out of the way of the hand that creeps up to pinch his cheek. “Alright, you can feed me, then!” Baekhyun opens his mouth, tongue lolling out, and shuts his eyes as he waits. Kyungsoo grimaces. Baekhyun looks like something out of an adult film, and, knowing Baekhyun, that is probably exactly what he's trying to go for. There's a constipated expression on Karen's face, not unlike the one Kyungsoo is wearing. He scoops up a large glob of cake and mousse and shoves it into Baekhyun's gaping mouth, and Baekhyun lets out an almost obscene noise that is enough to make even Kyungsoo shift uncomfortably. “Oh, Janet, this one is delightful!”

“It's Karen, actually,” Karen says weakly.

“So close,” Kyungsoo mutters under his breath, patting Baekhyun on the shoulder. His eyes home in on the bit of white that sticks to the corner of Baekhyun's mouth until Baekhyun's pink tongue pokes out to at it. Kyungsoo averts his gaze.

As Karen presents the next type of cake to them, she asks: “Tell me a bit about yourselves. How did you two meet?” She looks between them with what Kyungsoo perceives to be feigned interest. She's mostly focusing on Kyungsoo, though, as if she's desperately hoping for him to answer this, and she seems to blanch a bit when it's Baekhyun who perks up instead.

“Let me tell you, Barbara, it was like a scene straight out of a modern day fairytale.” Baekhyun grabs Kyungsoo's hand between both of his and gazes longingly into his eyes despite Kyungsoo's obvious look of disgust. “We met at the produce section at the local supermarket. Me, an exotic dancer down on my luck; Kyungsoo, a jaded travel writer in need of a manic pixie dream boy to swoop in and save him from himself.” Here, Baekhyun sighs wistfully. “We both reached for the same eggplant at the same time, and our gazes met, and, boom.” Jazzhands. “Pure magic. It was love at first sight, honestly.” Karen looks enraptured by their fake rom-com meet-cute. Baekhyun leans back in his seat and pops a raspberry past his lips. “Granted, my sweet Kyungsoo probably had more innocent intentions with that eggplant than I did, but let's just say we both ended up full that night.” Kyungsoo stuffs his own mouth with butterscotch cinnamon frosting to keep from laughing at the queasy look on Karen's face as she clutches her non-existent pearls.

Baekhyun and Kyungsoo actually met on the first day of elementary school when Baekhyun took a single look at the glittery animal stickers meticulously pasted on Kyungsoo's notebook and immediately declared them best friends forever. At first, Kyungsoo had shied away from someone as loud and attention-demanding as Baekhyun. Now it has been almost twenty years, and they are currently sharing an apartment that is just barely big enough for the both of them. Also, Baekhyun is a kindergarten teacher, and Kyungsoo has never even left the country.

“W-well, it sounds like you two have a very special bond,” Karen tries to save face. She seems appalled by the vulgarity of it all, but Kyungsoo is sure he'd find at least one copy of Fifty Shades of Grey in her nightstand.

“Definitely,” Baekhyun says. He grabs Kyungsoo's hand again, and this time Kyungsoo doesn't even pull a face. A true feat. “Some of our critics keep saying that three weeks is too short of a time to know each other before getting married, but when it's right, it's right, you know?” Karen keeps looking more and more green – almost as green as the pistachio and rosewater cake she just placed in front of them – and Kyungsoo would feel bad for her if she wasn't so obviously using other people's ual identity for her own financial benefit.

They go through cake after cake, flavor after flavor – chocolate, vanilla, caramel, spices, fruits, berries, nuts, flowers. Kyungsoo is reaching the critical stage where he might actually get sick if he keeps eating. Karen, similarly, seems to be arriving at a breaking point, because this is when she asks The Question. The one question that changes everything. “What kind of theme does your wedding have? Maybe that will help guide us in the right direction. So we can make a choice. Some time today.” The smile on her face says 'customer service', her eyes scream desperation.

Having passed on the current round of cake (citing a mild pineapple intolerance but really looking for any plausible excuse to take a break), Kyungsoo has nothing to occupy his hands with. Baekhyun, however, seems to have a bottomless void inside of him as he has inhaled both of their servings and is in the process of chewing his way through it all. This leaves him in no place to answer the question, so Kyungsoo takes it upon himself. “We haven't really settled on anything definite yet,” he says with an awkward chuckle. “Everything is still so new.” He's not as good of a bullter as Baekhyun is. He hopes Karen doesn't notice.

“Well, you must have some idea about what your ideal wedding would be like, then.” The look in Karen's eyes grows even more manic. “I know a lot of girls fantasize about their special day from a very young age, I'm sure it's the same for you.”

Kyungsoo is about to tell her that he is very much not a girl, and that he would offer to show her the physical evidence of that, but Baekhyun has finally swallowed the pineapple cake, and as he seems to have some sort of sensor to detect Kyungsoo's anger levels, he quickly jumps in before Kyungsoo can say anything. “I'm thinking something with a lake. I've always wanted an outdoor wedding.” An image of Baekhyun in a tuxedo standing by the altar at the end of an ivory carpet runner. In the background is an idyllic lake surrounded by blooming cherry blossom trees. Baekhyun turns around and smiles in the most brilliant way, and Kyungsoo's heart races unstoppably.

“Yes, outdoor weddings are very on trend at the moment,” Karen says, and she chuckles. “As long as it's not a church wedding. Churches should be reserved for weddings between a man and a woman, don't you think?”

“It could be in a church,” Baekhyun muses. “Or it could be at the city hall, or in a park, or on a tropical beach, or in ing Vegas.” The profanity has Karen gasping in outrage. “It could be in our own living room with just us and two witnesses, wearing stained pajamas and ordering pizza from our regular place for the wedding dinner, I don't really care.” And Kyungsoo can't stop staring. Kyungsoo can't stop staring, because this is Baekhyun. It's not the sassy, overdramatic, exotic dancer character he has been roleplaying as for the entire meeting. This is Baekhyun being genuine, genuinely genuine. Kyungsoo can tell because he has known Baekhyun for so long, and he knows when Baekhyun is bullting, and he knows that now is not one of those times. Somehow, it's terrifying. “I don't really care what the wedding itself is like as long as it's with my best friend.” Yeah. Kyungsoo might actually throw up.

“That... that is very romantic,” Karen mutters. She, too, seems startled by the sudden change in Baekhyun's demeanor.

And Baekhyun, as if suddenly remembering where he is and who he's with, looks at Karen, then at Kyungsoo, and Kyungsoo can see exactly when he slips into character again. “Oh, what about a tiger!” he exclaims excitedly. “I want there to be a tiger! Then we can have a striped cake to match!” Karen opens and closes like she doesn't know what to say. She looks like a beached fish. “Or maybe, hey, can you make a cake with live doves inside like the one in Game of Thrones? That one was really cool. Or maybe–”

“Alright, I think our hour is just about up,” Karen says as she stands quickly and reaches a hand across the table for them to shake. “Nice to meet both of you. Let me know what you decide on.”

Baekhyun grips her hand with both of his and shakes it with great enthusiasm. “It has been a pleasure, Carol, truly. We'll discuss it among ourselves and get back to you with our results.” Karen yanks her hand out of his hold and herds them towards the exit as if she can't get them to leave fast enough. The door shuts behind them with a slam of finality, and then they're standing on the sidewalk in front of the store. Baekhyun sighs and pats his stomach. “That went well,” he says.

“I think I'm going to vomit,” Kyungsoo says, and then he does. Right on Karen's fancy sandwich board.

“...and then... then I walked in on him... doing the horizontal tango with the butler!” Baekhyun sobs, pressing the back of his hand against his forehead theatrically. He's being Way Too Extra, even though the person on the other end of the phone can't even see him doing all of this. “The butler of all people! My companion! My clandestine confidant, whom I practically birthed from my very own hips!” Kyungsoo motions turning a knob as a signal for Baekhyun to dial it down a little, and Baekhyun looks sheepish, realizing that he may have pushed it too far. “Oh, it was awful, Linda, just awful!”

“What kind of exotic dancer has a butler?” Kyungsoo comments.

Baekhyun just waves a dismissive hand at him. “Yes, Linda, I agree. Truly tragic. Anyway, needless to say, we will no longer be needing a wedding cake, so you can halt the presses. Thank you for your service, Linda, goodbye!” Kyungsoo can still hear Karen's tinny voice coming through the speaker when Baekhyun pulls the phone away from his ear and ends the call. Baekhyun lets out a sigh. “Well, we're officially un-engaged.”

“Good riddance,” Kyungsoo says. He isn't sure he actually means it. His finger had felt weirdly bare for a while after he took off the fake engagement ring even though he only actually wore it for a few hours in total. He rubs a thumb distractedly over the empty spot as he stares at Baekhyun, who's sitting on the couch playing some stupid game on his phone.

Ever since that day at the cake shop, Kyungsoo hasn't been able to get the image of Baekhyun in front of the lake out of his head. Sometimes there are cherry blossoms, sometimes lush green, sometimes the leaves are colored in reds and oranges and yellows, but one thing that never changes is Baekhyun in the tuxedo and the radiant smile on his face when he turns around. Kyungsoo even had one extremely life-like dream where they went through their regular morning routines the way they always do, and the only difference between real life and the dream was that Baekhyun kissed Kyungsoo goodbye before leaving the apartment. Kyungsoo had woken up feeling very confused and filled with the urge to barge straight into Baekhyun's room and crawl into his bed. He had taken a long, cold shower instead.

“By the way,” Baekhyun says without looking up from his phone. “Your mom called. She wanted us to come over for dinner, so we should put that chicken we bought into the freezer, I think it expires today.” And that is when Kyungsoo realizes with startling clarity that, oh. They're practically already dating. They live a life of domesticity, and the only thing that separates them from all the married couples in their friend group is that there's no romantically charged physical contact. And Kyungsoo finds that maybe... maybe he wants to change that.

“Baekhyun,” he says, and Baekhyun makes a vague noise to indicate he's listening. Perhaps Kyungsoo should think about this some more before he jumps straight into it. At the same time, however, they've lived like this for so long, and Kyungsoo doesn't want to wait any longer now. If he does, he might chicken out. There's no time like the present. “I... When you... when you said at the cake shop that you wanted your wedding to be with your best friend...”

On screen, Baekhyun's character falls to its death as he drops his phone in surprise. He curses under his breath and quickly picks it back up to resume playing. Even while standing in the kitchen, Kyungsoo notices that Baekhyun's hands are shaking. “Oh, I just meant someone, who's like my best friend. Like, someone I love and trust unconditionally, not that I want to marry my actual best friend. Not...” Baekhyun swallows. He's not meeting Kyungsoo's gaze. “Not you. Haha.”

Kyungsoo knows when Baekhyun is bullting. Usually his tells are subtle, barely there yet still present enough to be able to spot them if you know what you are looking for. Right now, he's being very obvious. Why is he being so obvious? Once more, Kyungsoo touches the empty spot on his finger. “Why was the engagement ring my exact size?”

Baekhyun's eyes flicker. “Happy coincidence?” he squeaks, and Kyungsoo crosses the floor, knocks the phone out of Baekhyun's hands, straddles his lap, and kisses him. He cups Baekhyun's face with his hands and kisses him. Right on the lips. Just like that.

When he pulls away, Baekhyun's eyes and mouth are both wide open in shock. “You look like that Surprised Pikachu meme,” Kyungsoo says.

“I thought you were straight,” Baekhyun blurts out.

Kyungsoo's eyebrows shoot up. “I literally dated a man for an entire year. You met him several times.”

“I thought he was your beard!”

“My straight beard?”

“, I don't know! Maybe some sort of clever ruse to infiltrate our community so you could feel Cool and Included™.” Kyungsoo rolls his eyes and kisses Baekhyun again. It's better, this time, because Baekhyun actually kisses back. His hands come up to rest on Kyungsoo's waist, tentative at first, then gripping on tighter, almost as if he's afraid Kyungsoo is going to leave if he doesn't hold him close enough.

Baekhyun looks properly messed up the next time they part, eyelids heavy, lips puffy, breathing ragged. He stares at Kyungsoo's mouth like he can't wait to go back in. “And you bought us both engagement rings even though we weren't even actually dating?” Kyungsoo asks.

“Yeah,” Baekhyun admits. “I've had them for a while. I was hoping I'd get the balls to ask you out if I knew I was planning to marry you, but then I just... didn't.” He looks sheepish. Understandably so. It's such a dumb idea, such a dumb way to go about things. Kyungsoo can't believe he's in love with such a dumb man.

“You're so stupid,” Kyungsoo says, pecking Baekhyun's reddened cheeks.

“I'd say we've both been stupid,” Baekhyun counters with a laugh. “But you still love me, right?”

For a moment, Kyungsoo pretends to think about it, even though he already knows the answer. Baekhyun whines about him being mean, and Kyungsoo chuckles softly, and right before he leans in to kiss Baekhyun again, he says: “I do.”

~*~

A/N: happy pride month! :)

this story has been brought to you by my brother and me theorizing about whether or not you could trick your way into wedding cake tasting by faking getting married so... that's basically what this story is. I feel pretty good about it, and I hope you do too.

fun drinking game: drink every time the word 'cake' is used in this fic.

ps. if your name is karen, kathy, deborah, janet, barbara, carol or linda, I'm sorry. nothing personal, kid.

pps. title from super junior's "marry u", which is still my jam.