For the first time that day I should have looked, I mean really looked yet as I stood there I didn’t see the sweat on the brow or the extreme nervousness that was emitting from him or the way he stuttered. I keep thinking of back then, if I had known what I know now would it have made a difference? Maybe it would have saved us both.

“Key?” . Might as well just talk to him and tell him the truth. Dammit our friendship is gonna go down the drain and it’s all that guy’s fault. . Don’t cry Kim Kibum. Don’t freaking cry. You are the almighty Key. You do not cry. Especially not in front of Jonghyun.

“Yes?”

“Is what he said true?”

“Which part?” I couldn’t take it. The way he looked at me, it was like he was judging all of me but was reluctant to say the whole truth like it disgusted him, like I had somehow been a whole disgrace to him, so much that he couldn’t bear to utter the words aloud.

“Ummm, well you see here...”

“It’s fine you don’t have to say it. Yes it’s all true. I’ve slept with him and bunch of other strangers and I don’t know why I did it so don’t even ask me.” It’s better to tell the truth if that is the one thing I learned from my grandma then that would probably be the most difficult one. The one that could break me even though it’s supposedly “the right thing to do” it felt more like a wound that I had the courtesy to reopen, a wound so deep that no amount of time will heal it but when I looked at his face and I knew that lying to this person was something even more painful. A person who I had met not too long ago that forever etched his name in my heart.

“So what you are telling me is that you are...gay?” Hyung’s face just turned to a confused puppy. Did he really not realize that I was gay?! I mean it’s so freaking obvious. I wear pink for god’s sake.

“What the hell?! Did you really not know?” My voice just as confused as hyung’s face was moments ago.

“No, I really didn’t.”

“But it was so obv- I mean I didn’t even try to hide it. How could you have not seen it?”

“I don’t really pay attention to people’s love lives to be honest. I don’t really care.”

“You mean you are okay with me being gay? You don’t care that I used have one night stands with random people I’ve never got the chance to know the names of?”

“No. Not at all. I really don’t care.” This doesn’t make any sense. I mean I’m happy that hyung doesn’t care but doesn’t that mean he doesn’t care at all about me?

“If you don’t care then I assume you don’t want to be friends anymore, huh?” I could feel my head lower and my bangs lash out in front of my eyes.

“What?! Why would you think that?” Hyung seemed surprised by my outburst but he remained in the same place.

“Because if you don’t care then you obviously don’t care about me.” I am hating myself for being so honest right now.

*Jonghyun sighing*

Oh great he’s tired of me.  

“Your silly Key, if I didn’t care about you would I have been searching so hard  for you a couple of weeks ago and then seeked you out at the bar every night. I did it because we are friends and your past is not important it’s the future that’s important, as long as you are happy I will be too, that’s how friendship works. If you do try to take the wrong path then I’ll be here to guide you and make sure you take the right one.” H-hyung. Don’t make promises like that.

“Since when were you so deep?” I think being honest and saying what you think is different, in this case I don’t have to tell him everything. Yet.

“I have my moments.” He gave me one of his signature smiles and I swear I would have melted if he wasn’t staring right at me. I laughed at him. He once again became a puppy in my eyes. A delicious puppy that I wanted to notice me desperately.

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After spending so much time with Key I realized that one, no matter where we go or what we do I will have fun and I have noticed that though it feels like a protracted amount of time in reality at the most it’s been a day or two. Two. I realized that Key’s a really a great friend and despite his attitude towards people he has astounding grades, such a model student, I wish I was more like him. Heh. And three. I discerned that I would miss him.

Key’s POV

We were walking with the grocery bags making our way onto my neighborhood when abruptly hyung clutched onto my arm. It took everything I had not to squeal or more and knowing me it was extremely difficult to contain myself around him but I tried to play it cool.

“What’s wrong hyung?” He looks down, his bangs hiding his eyes, I can’t tell what he’s thinking at all. He then stops altogether and I can feel my heartbeat rise. What’s going? Everything was going so good. Why now? What now?

“Key this is really hard for me to say because over the past few weeks we’ve gotten so close but it’s time I tell you.” He is really scaring me. Does he not want to be friends with me? No. I shouldn’t jump to conclusions. Stay calm.

“W-what is it hyung? Tell me.”

“Key.. *Jonghyun sighing* ...I’m leaving.” Knocked out of breath, the world seemed small and there stood Key, all too fragile and like a batter who hits his mark perfectly his hyung managed to hit a homerun but in the end did the batter really hit the mark or did he just hit for hitting’s sake? He knew people were keeping their eyes on him so he knew that when the pitcher threw the ball he gave it his all to not let anyone down to be the best but he didn’t realize he hit someone in the process enabling that person from catching the ball, the ball that was meant for someone to catch no longer had a purpose in that victim’s life, erased, forgotten and most importantly just another fading memory.

End of Key’s POV

“B-back to Korea?” He couldn’t help the stutters that escapes his mouth. He felt like the world was against him, that it was so unfair. This shouldn’t be happening? Not now. No. Please give me more time. I need him. I need him to stay by my side. If only for just a few more days, no I’d even be okay with a just a day, only just one day please God. Just only one day. Please only one. There’s still so much I have to say to him. So much we need to do. So much I still want to know about him.

“Yeah..” He let go of Key’s arm and instead came behind him and hugged him.

To this day I still don’t know if he was really crying or not but I know that was the one time I really wanted to push him away, grab him and hug him till he couldn’t breath so he would know what he did to me.

Key’s POV

We didn’t see each other the next day on his flight. I really wanted to skip school and go but he told me it would be best if I don’t come at all. Those words they were so cold, so sharp, like a knife they pierced me. I tried and tried that day so hard not to think about him but as soon as school was out and I was safely in my house, wrapped around in a blanket in my cozy little room, I cracked. I bawled my eyes out, I cried till I couldn’t breath, till my head was pounding and my lungs hurt, till my throat was sore and I knew that it would take days to recover from it but still I cried. Because for the first time in my life I knew what it means to love another human being aside from family and it hurt so much to see them be ripped away from my life. No longer was there a place for him in my days but still my thoughts lingered on things about him. Things that he would only tell me. Our secrets he’d call them. Were they really ours though? I shed so many tears everyday for you hyung, did you know? Of course not. Did you even cry? Did you even feel sad? If I got the chance to meet you again I believe that confessing would be one of the first but first I’d want to know...did you ever even miss me?

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*Two years later Seoul, South Korea*

Getting dressed so early in the morning was a struggle for Jonghyun, he was still sleepy but he knew that he can’t be late on his first day of university so he manages to pull his hands through the holes of his shirt and button it up lazily. Success! And he still has time to walk there. Good.

“It seems today may go right after all.” He smiles and walks out of the apartment but decides to take a detour so he can buy himself a cup of hot chocolate. Jonghyun’s not a fan of coffee, it’s always too bitter, he just loves sweet things though. So he walked right in, looked at the prices and ordered a tall.

I’ll never forget that day. You looked so beautiful, you grew up so much, so fast.

“Hyung?”

Your voice like a child was so sweet. Too sweet. Was it always like this or did I never notice?

“Or maybe not..” There was Key in all his colorful clothing, that’s right pink was back in, did it even leave? He was different from how Jonghyun remembered him two years ago. Back then he was very frail and pale and well he didn’t really have a nice personality attached to him if you didn’t know him as extensively as Jonghyun had. Now he looks stronger, he was still so thin but he no longer looked, hmmm, helpless? Yes that was the word, although Key had a big mouth he really should have kept it shut more, he always had a needy look to him. He gave the aura of needing to be taken care of though once you meet him that doesn’t seem to be the case. So then, why does he seem like he’s so fit and has it all together? Seems like a lot has changed in these past two years. A lot. He walked over to Key who wasn’t really sure what to do and Jonghyun could tell this so he decided to speak first.

“Hey Key, long time no see. What are you doing in Seoul?” To be honest Jonghyun didn’t have any time whatsoever to talk with Key but he was already going to be late anyway so he figured, “why the hell not?”

“Do you want the truth?” That’s a strange questions, of course he’d want the truth, what person wouldn’t?

You were so stupid back then I couldn’t help but play along even if I didn’t know I was in the game to begin with.

“Umm...I guess..” My order was delivered to me and I took a sip of the really pipping hot chocolate but it was perfect for a cold weather like this in the middle of november.

“Truthfully I just finished my studies and came to find you.” This time, this time for sure.

“Me? What for?” Or maybe not.

“Errh, well we were friends before and just because we didn’t talk for two years doesn’t mean we still aren’t...right?” We are still friends, aren’t we hyung? Please say we are.

“If you have to ask then it must not be so.” Oh. Ouch.

At that time I didn’t mean to say it out loud but I wonder what would have happened if I hadn’t?

“Oh.” My shoulders sunk down and suddenly I felt just like I had back then, two freaking years ago.

“I’m just kidding Key. Don’t take it so hard. Of course we are friends. So tell me is that why you wanted to find me. To talk?” Kim. Freaking. Jonghyun. You have not changed at all. Of course I would take it hard, you are my first love after all. Or should I say were.

“Ahaha, sorry but you know with my attitude I don’t make lots of friends, well not the kinds of friends one needs. Hyung remember two years ago? We were good friends back then, I just want to catch up.”

I never meant to hurt you that time but I got caught in my own traps.

“Hmmmm, you sound so grown up now. What happened?”

Smack. Key hit Jonghyun right on the arm. Oh and he made sure it was hard.

“Nothing happened, I guess that maybe I changed a bit after I got a boyfriend.”  Jonghyun almost drops his cup.

“B-boyfriend?” The shock Jonghyun was experiencing was new but he didn’t have time to question it, all he knew was that he needed answers. Right now.