Warning: Please do not read if you cannot stand shocking plot twists. This chapter makes sense to me, but it might not sit well with you.

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Fear of something is the worst fear.

“Good night Krystal, sleep tight,” I said before I hung up. A soft sigh escaped my lips as I checked my phone – it was 2.32 am. We had been talking for almost an hour now.

I reckoned I had to fall asleep soon if I wanted to wake up any time before midday tomorrow. And I had promised Krystal to help her to choose a kitten from the nearby pet shop. I didn’t exactly like kittens but since Krystal had requested so badly, I had to give in. If this had been a few months earlier, she’d have given me no choice and dragged me along with her but nowadays she asks me cutely beforehand. This is a completely new side to her – I like it but at the same time the reason behind it makes me uncomfortable.

I couldn’t go to sleep without calling my other…friend. I never could, I never had as long as I remembered.

“Hello,” a groggy voice greeted me on the second try; a voice I longed to hear no matter how many times I have heard it during the day. In the night, away from the hum of the sun and the breaths around us, it sounded different.

“Sorry did I wake you?” I asked, feigning innocence as if I didn’t know about deep slumbers and irritating ringtones.

“No, not at all. It’s only -” There was a pause as he supposedly checked the clock. “It’s 2.30 am after all.” His voice was half-sarcastic, half-exasperated. But I could picture the half-smile forming on his lips. I was probably silent for a bit too long. “What, did you fall asleep now?”

“No,” I replied hurriedly. “I just wanted to say goodnight.”

“Didn’t you already, at Krystal’s place?”

“Oh.”

It had escaped my mind, it couldn’t have been more than a passing goodbye - a smile, a nod – it was nothing as intimate as this, something only the two of us and the night would hear. Besides, I’ve had this conversation before so I knew he really didn’t need to hear the answer.

“My eyes are shutting, I can’t hold on anymore, I swear.” He yawned loudly as I chuckled. I could see him struggling to keep himself awake.

“Good night.”

“Night,” he mumbled and his voice was replaced by the monotone of the dial tone.

“And,” I gulped. “I love you Myungsoo, as always,” I muttered into the night.

As usual, the darkness and the thick silence were my only audience as I confessed my love for the millionth time. They were the only ones in on my secret, and I knew I had to keep it that way.

I had no memories of when I had fallen for my best friend. There was probably no one overwhelming instance. Maybe I just fell in love with him over a long time without realizing it, maybe I had fallen in love with him the day Luna left me. But no, Luna knew what she was doing, she hinted at it.

“Who do you trust the most in this world Sungjongie, and answer honestly.”

That wasn’t a difficult question for me at all.

“Myungsoo and Krystal. Sorry, I’ve been with them for too long.”

Luna shook her head.

“Gun to your head, if you had to choose just one person?”

This was a difficult question; one that I had never pondered. I have never even thought that a time might come when I had to choose between my two best friends. After an excruciating emotional turmoil, I whispered, “Myungsoo.”

“It’s so obvious, why did it even take you this long to answer?”

I was shocked – how could it be obvious? Just because Krystal and I fought didn’t mean anything, we were still close.

“I don’t understand,” I said uncertainly.

A part of me was nagging me – did I really not understand what she meant? It was like one of those things you knew deep down inside but it didn’t surface enough for you to think you knew. It was something that you’d rather not know.

Luna sighed, looking at me with sympathetic eyes.

“It’s difficult to admit Sungjong, but you know. Because the way you look at him – I can’t explain it, but I really feel it. Your eyes speak volumes when you look at him, I’m not sure why no one noticed.”

That was my question too – if my eyes were such dead giveaways, why didn’t anyone notice? Why didn’t Myungsoo notice? But maybe Myungsoo was too busy yearning for Krystal. Yes, even though my friends thought I was an idiot, I could pretty much work out that Myungsoo liked Krystal. I didn’t mind them being together – except for the fact that I’d now realized how Myungsoo really made me feel. There was the friendship, and then there was something else.

But I didn’t want to be too greedy – I was lucky to have his friendship, I wouldn’t ask for anything else, even if a part of me silently dies.

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Does one man's bravery change the world?

I was done with cursing the world, the society which put labels on love as if it is some kind of on-the-shelf product. Now only bitter regret flowed through my veins and every night, I visited the land of endless what-ifs. These what-ifs - one of them could come true or I could lose everything trying. But the truth was, I wasn’t a risk-taker, I was a coward. I couldn’t even stand up for my own happiness.

It wasn’t that I was happy; Krystal arranged too many blind dates for me. I met new girls, and they were all really sweet.

There was this girl who seemed different from the others. The best thing about her was she seemed to understand me in a way even Krystal and Sungjong couldn’t.

That was Suzy – we had started dating but the way her gaze followed mine when I looked at Sungjong was enough to tell me that she knew how I felt. At first she was nice enough not to bring it up. Then one day she cornered me, making sure we wouldn’t be overheard. I tried to deny it at first because I was afraid she would tell Krystal about it but she wouldn’t take no for an answer. She didn’t even ask me the question, she simply stated it.

So I did tell her everything – about my pining for all these years and how I just couldn’t forget about it.

The first thing she told me was, “Do it, tell him.”

I couldn’t – it would mean the end of my friendship with Krystal and Sungjong and maybe even the relationship between Krystal and Sungjong. I couldn’t live my life knowing I had destroyed the happiness of the two people I love the most in the world. So I made her promise not to tell my friends and after some time, she agreed.

“Let’s not tell them we broke up. I don’t mind being just friends and hanging out with you,” she told me and I couldn’t thank her enough for her generosity. If I broke up with her, they would just nag me and set me up on a different blind date – Krystal was exceptionally persistent and even though Sungjong showed no interest in it, he had to agree because of Krystal.

I was happy dating Suzy, but there was a possibility that, if I were to take the risk, I could be even happier. Because in the depths and creases of my mind, I believed I had only one soul mate, and that had nothing to do with long and wavy hair. In fact, I didn’t mind short and straight hair.

The world could curse me, but I wasn’t willing to open that one door.

Sungjong’s voice brought me back to earth. “Yah Myungsoo, why are you sitting here all alone?”

“I thought you guys were talking about dresses and make-up,” I teased.

“That’s Suzy and Krystal,” Sungjong said, shoving me slightly. “What are you thinking about?”

I wish I could tell him. I wanted to tell him, but then again I didn’t want to. I’d never met such an ambiguous person like myself.

“Sungjong, will you tell me something truthfully?”

Sungjong sighed. For that one moment, it sounded very sad and honest.

“Sure, what is it?”

I took a deep breath. It wasn’t that much of a question, but I still decided to ask it. It wasn’t like I doubted him but I just wanted to ask him.

“Krystal has your heart, right?”

He looked me in the eye and we stared at each other for some time. I couldn’t read his expression – did he think I was weird for asking the question? I couldn’t tell. I was about to break it off when Sungjong said, smiling, “Are you mad? Do you know how forgetful she is? She’d lose it for sure. It’s in a much safer place.”

The smile looked so very sad.

I could swear it looked like mine.