Journal Entry 67

Mood: The usual

Some people call me unusual, others just call me plain weird in my face. Krystal’s the one who ever protests or at least glares at these people. I don’t bother really. Because these comments don’t affect me, but Krystal standing up for me does. I’m glad of course, grateful that somebody cares. I always thank her and she shakes it off like it’s no big deal. She says she has the guts and I don’t. I don’t contradict her, even though it’s not the guts that I’m lacking. I enjoy watching her stand up for me because frankly, Sungjong and Krystal, apart from my family, are the only places where I have found acceptance and I’m scared to do anything that might tarnish that.

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Growing up is weird. Because you see the world changes and suddenly you don’t recognize anything or anyone around you. It’s mainly because you don’t realize that you have changed too, that you’re not the same either. But human eyes were made to see outwards, not inwards.

Similarly, I found growing up strange because all of a sudden, things weren’t the same.

It was weird to see Krystal change in front of my eyes – both physically and mentally. She had grown into a beautiful young adult, her hair grew longer and she grew more beautiful in general. Her pale skin now glowed with youth. Sometimes I would find myself staring at her and unknown to myself, I would blush and look away. It felt very strange to see the girl you had mud-wrestled grow into a graceful young lady, who flinched now when she stepped on murky puddles.

Oddly though, I didn’t feel the same way about Sungjong’s change – he also grew, he wore his hair long now and he had dyed it brown, his Adam’s apple was more pronounced – but it didn’t feel like he had changed at all. Not to me at least.  He was the same old Sungjong but she was a whole new Krystal.

I was very curious to know what Krystal thought about us, about me, growing up. It might be weird for her as well, to see her friends mature into young men. But she didn’t seem to notice at all; she treated me just the way she did when I had been 5.

Only a few days before my 18^th birthday did I realize that Krystal wasn’t as oblivious as she looked. It was the day when Sungjong had come to show us the music he had composed and was going to sing at my birthday party. He sat down at the piano at Krystal’s place and started to play. I thought he was playing really well, although I never had a really good ear for music. I turned to Krystal to see how she liked it – that was when I had seen something I shouldn’t have. I was sure the moment was not mine, the sight was not for me to see. Krystal was blushing; she looked like a blooming rose. Her cheeks were tinged with happiness and a shy smile tugged at her lips as she watched Sungjogn play, mesmerized.

That was when I knew I had lost.

She admitted to me later, her admiration, her love. I pretended to be happy for her, what else could I do? When I asked her if she was going to confess to Sungjong about her feelings, she shook her head vehemently. She didn’t want to confess just then, she wanted Sungjong to realize it.

Sungjong did realize something, but it was another thing entirely. Well, not entirely, but it was different.

“Guys, I’m in love,” Sungjong announced one day. We were at Krystal’s place; Krystal and I were studying for our fast-approaching finals while Sungjong was simply lounging about. His finals were already over and he was on vacation. But the three of us couldn’t pass an evening without each other so here we all were, sitting around Krystal’s dining table.

“You’re in love?” Krystal rolled her eyes. It was plain that she didn’t believe him. It was difficult to actually – Sungjong was quite the player. He was harmless really, but every Friday, he went out with a new girl. He complained that he didn’t find a girl he really liked from the bottom of his heart so he had to jump ship so frequently. Krystal and I had secretly agreed that he would never find a love the way he was looking.

“You don’t believe me? I really am.” Sungjong had a strange gleam in his eyes, not unlike the one I had seen in Krystal’s eyes when she had heard Sungjong playing the piano.

“Quit joking around.” I hit him lightly on the head with my Physics book. I knew he was good at acting but this acting was too convincing. I saw from the corner of my eyes that Krystal looked a tad bit disturbed.

“Look, I don’t know what you’re thinking but I’ve been seeing this girl for the last 3 weeks and I really like her. I love her.” Sungjong blushed. His blush was so different from Krystal’s. Instead of the tomato red Krystal went for, Sungjong blushed pink. Now it was getting serious.

“You’re an idiot!” Krystal shouted. She then went back to her notes and ignored Sungjong for the rest of the evening. I talked to Sungjong but every time I did, Krystal shot me a death glare, so we kept our communication to a minimum. Sungjong mouthed at me, asking what was wrong with her. I simply shrugged. I couldn’t betray one friend for another and if Krystal didn’t want to tell Sungjong, who was I to in?

I got to know from Sungjong that the girl’s name was Luna and she was three years older than him. They’d met at a family picnic. She was some sort of distant cousin but on the mother’s side. Krystal and Sungjong were cousins too but on his father’s side. It was an intricate family matter and tried not to get my brain addled thinking about complicated family relationships. As far as I was concerned, nothing mattered.

We met Luna as well a few days after that. Krystal gave her the cold shoulder but I thought she was pretty nice. She was humorous and liked to have fun. She couldn’t sit still for long and did crazy things. She was a great person to be around but I didn’t tell Krystal that. Sungjong and Luna looked very happy together. I didn’t tell that to Krystal either.

Somehow, it was evident that Krystal knew.

After coming back from the coffee shop where we had met up with Luna and Sungjong, Krystal stormed up to her room. I ran after her, I couldn’t stop myself even though I knew she probably needed some time alone.

“Krystal,” I called out to her, knocking on her door. It was difficult for me to form the words, because I was in as much pain as she was. I just guarded my feelings better. “Are you okay?”

The door flew open and Krystal emerged. She didn’t look like she was crying but she was red in the face.

“Need a drink,” she muttered and brushed past me. I slowly entered her bedroom. There was a photo frame lying on her bed. I picked it up to see that it was a picture of the three of us, during last summer vacation. We were laughing and hugging.

I sighed.

Last summer, I hadn’t known that so much would happen. I put down the frame on the bedside table, where it usually belonged.

It hurts to see you in love.