Journal Entry 98

Mood: trying, struggling…

Colors hurt my eyes. All sorts of colors. They hurt my eyes, they hurt my senses and I don’t even know what I’m thinking. Recently, my mind has become a dump for all sorts of messed up thoughts, thoughts that shouldn’t have occurred in the first place. My mind is severely disturbed.

But even through all of this, not once, have I thought about doing something drastic. No, I’m a pacifist, and when I can’t be violent towards others, it only makes sense that I can’t be violent towards myself too. I’m not weak, I simply exist.  And existing is not synonymous with living, no matter what others say.

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I had a misconception that my company had had no positive effects on Sungjong – but actually it did. It probably took time but within two weeks, Sungjong was ready to go home. He had recovered completely, he even told me that he had a text from Luna and had wished her good luck.

“I’m glad she’s living her dreams,” he said, without the familiar shadow clouding his eyes. That was when I knew he had bounced back and I allowed myself a pat on the back. I had been a good friend to him. I had been a good friend to Krystal. But even then – I felt rather like the shell than the soul.

And then, the day came. I had been waiting for this day – I knew it’d come. But I couldn’t predict that it would be so sudden and everything would be over so soon. Also, the way the day had presented itself was disconcerting. And the confusion that followed was difficult for me to pursue but I tried my best.

I was reading in bed when my cellphone rang. Knowing it could be either of my best friends, I answered it quickly – none of them liked to be kept waiting.

It was Sungjong, but he didn’t sound quite like himself. His voice was shaky and all he repeated was a request to visit his house. I reminded him it was past 1 am but he kept on insisting. I knew from his voice that something was wrong so I picked up my jacket and made my way out of the house as noiselessly as possible since my parents were sleeping. I left a note on the fridge, just in case they woke up in the dead of the night and found me missing, although that was highly unlikely.

I made good time to Sungjong’s house. He opened the door for me and took me to his bedroom. However I couldn’t cross the threshold; I froze before that with my mouth agape.

Krystal was sprawled on the floor at the foot of his bed and from my position, it seemed like she was senseless.

“Wha – what’s going on?”

Sungjong gulped.

“Erm…she – er she came to visit me and er – she was drunk.”

I could only look at Sungjong, who looked uncomfortable.

“Yeah, she was. And then she – she said she loves me and then she fainted,” Sungjong ended somewhat lamely. “That’s when I called you.”

I tried to absorb the information. I couldn’t.

“Wait – she fainted and you left her like that?”

Sungjong scratched his head.

“Yeah…I didn’t know what do.”

I exhaled noisily and sprinted towards Krystal’s figure. I picked her up in my arms and put her on Sungjong’s bed while he stood at the door, staring.

“Don’t stand there get some water! I can’t believe you just let her be that way after she fainted!”

Sungjong seemed to have realized what he had done and ran to get water. When I had sprinkled some on her face, she stirred a little.

“Go call your mom,” I instructed Sungjong, who practically ran away. The confession had probably shocked him but I still couldn’t believe why had had just stood there and watched his faint and then called me instead of calling his parents first. Sungjong was dense but this was a completely new level.

Mrs. Lee arrived soon and she took over. She was a very nice lady, a cousin of Mrs. Jung’s and she called Krystal’s mom to inform her about her daughter. When Sungjong explained what had happened, minus the confession, Mrs. Lee scolded him, saying all the unpleasantly true things about his common sense.

We went to sit down in the living room but Sungjong insisted on going to my house. He was exceptionally quiet and thoughtful. In all the pandemonium, I had completely forgotten that Sungjong now knew everything – he knew Krystal loved him. I was anxious to see his reaction but he seemed too stumped to produce any sort of response.

“So umm, what did Krystal say?” When Sungjong was quiet, I added, “You don’t have to tell me.”

“What’s not to tell? You probably know right?”

“Sort of,” I said guiltily. I felt as if I had kept something from him that he had the right to know.

“She said she loves me, always loved me and then something I couldn’t understand because her voice was slurred. Well, bottom line is I’m confused.”

He did look muddled right now.

“You should have known,” I said sheepishly.

“How?” He raised his shoulder defensively. “It’s the same as you confessing to me. How am I supposed to expect that?”

I probably looked scandalized because he scoffed.

“You know what I mean. We are best friends from…like forever.” I nodded. “Besides, you’d never have had the courage to confess.”

We both laughed and for one moment the tension in the air cleared. But it came back with the serious expression on his face.

“So what do you want to do?”

“What should I do?” he asked.

I sighed.

“Sungjong I can’t decide for you.”

Sungjong tugged at his bottom lip thoughtfully.

"You have always decided for me," he whined.

I rolled my eyes.

"Yes, like when you didn't know what to order at that fast food place and which color to pick for dyeing your hair - but this is completely different. This is your life's decidion."

"Excuse me, which shirt to wear to a blind date is also my life's decision but you made it for me."

I slapped my head out fo frustration. He clicked his tongue.

“Okay, different question: what would you have done?”

Now this was a different question altogether, and a dangerous one too. I pondered the question for so long that Sungjong grew impatient.

“What, did you fall asleep?”

“Thinking,” I grumbled. “Why should I do your work by the way? She didn’t ask me out.”

I had probably sounded bitter because he eyed me warily.

“Do you want to be asked out by her?”

I made a face and pretended to be immersed in thought again. Inside, I felt a storm raging. My insides were breaking and forming anew. If Sungjong wasn’t sitting across from me, I didn’t know what I would have done.

But being close with Sungjong for the last few months had hardened me in a way – and I had predicted this day not long ago. My heart was by now acclimatized to the feeling.

“I would have said yes,” I said slowly, weighing my words. Sungjong apparently hadn’t been expecting this answer.

“But – she’s our friend.”

“Yes, and it makes more sense to say yes. You don’t want to hurt her right?” It was Sungjong’s turn to drench in thought. I tried again. “You should say yes. It’s the right thing to do.”

What I was doing would probably break my heart later but for now it was my duty to protect the friendship and Krystal. I knew why she drank – she wanted the courage to confess, and the strength to bear whatever answer she received. Luckily, she had fainted before Sungjong could say something stupid. But when she woke up, a negative answer could internally kill her.

And it would definitely kill our friendship.

“But what about you?” Sungjong was frowning.

“What about me?”

“Look, can’t she just double-date us both?”

“Idiot, idiot, idiot!” I couldn’t keep the exasperation out of my voice but the extent to which I was hurt became clear once a few teardrops fell on the table. Sungjong looked up at me with astonishment.

“What’s wrong?”

“Why can’t you understand that if you two are happy, if we’re friends forever, it will make me the happiest person on earth?”

Sungjong had hopefully found a different explanation for my tears, because I had none to offer to him.

“Okay, I got it. Don’t cry please.”

His voice was pleading and for his sake, I stemmed the flow forcefully. I had never cried in front of anyone and probably that, if nothing else, had put an end to all his arguments.

I visited Krystal at Sungjong’s place the next morning. He said he’d get her something but I knew he was simply postponing the hour when he’d have to face her. I was really glad that he was convinced that Krystal would be good for him, but I knew I had to play the middleman if I didn’t want them break up anytime soon. The truth was, they were both too much like each other to complement each other.

However, now was not the time to have those thoughts.

True, I didn’t feel too well for the sacrifice I had made but the stupid smile on Sungjong’s face in the morning when I told him I’d stop Krystal from scolding him too much made up for a lot. And when I saw Krystal, she was smiling as well.

“I made a complete fool of myself yesterday.”

“It worked,” I said with a wink.

She blushed. Somehow, she expected Sungjong had said yes. It was perhaps the effect or alcohol, or waking up in Sungjong’s bed with Mrs. Lee by her head. Mrs. Lee was unusually happy that morning; she approved of Krystal, at least more than Luna.

After a few small talk, I took my leave. As I got up, Krystal said in a soft voice, “Hey Myungsoo, thanks.”

“No thank you’s in friendship remember?” She nodded and her eyes lit up with life.

It hurts to see you smile.