Journal Entry 100

Mood: should I be feeling anything at all?

It’s probably amazing but my heart still beats. I mean, you’d have expected me to fall on my face and die? Okay, maybe nothing that extreme but at least I should lock myself up and wallow in despair? But no, that would be a dead giveaway to my two friends, who know me more than I know myself. Except at one point, where my perception exceeds theirs.

Should I be applauded for finally bringing everything to a stable state? Should be patted on the back for my sacrifice? All I know is, I acted selfishly. To give on part of my heart the friendship it wanted, I had deprived the other section of the love it craved. I don’t have any justification for this, and I don’t mean to produce one either.

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“You know what he proposed? That I double date the two of you.”

Krystal was laughing openly. She was sitting on the carpeted floor of her living room, busy writing invitation cards. She was throwing a party for the quickly approaching Valentine’s Day. Sungjong had been sent to the party shop to get streamers, balloons and such. I had volunteered to go, because I wasn’t leaving the couple alone together for long enough and I felt guilty about it. But they didn’t seem to mind.

In fact, they had forced me to go to their first date. I didn’t exactly feel like the third wheel because it was almost the same as before, when the three of us used to hang out. But at times, Krystal would eye Sungjong with a different expression altogether, making him grow nervous and I’d have to look away. When I laughingly said, "Should I give you two some room?" Sungjong had gripped my hand tightly, sending me silent distress signals through his eyes. For some reason he grew extremely nervous every time he was alone with Krystal - this wasn't the way it used to be before; the two were happy hanging out by themselves. These small changes told me something had changed, that no matter how happy I felt to be with my two friends, it just wasn't the same as before, not entirely.

I was glad though that they weren’t excluding me from their life. In fact, I craved their friendship and my life would be incomplete without that. So in a way I was glad with the way things ran.

“And what did you say?” I asked, with my head bowed. I was making a list of the food items we would have to buy for the party.

"I agreed, even better I suggested that it should be a three-way dating plan then, with all of us dating each other, which includes the two of you as well. Sungjong was all for it!" 

I wanted to reply, say something witty that would have Krystal laughing on the floor but for some reason my voice box wasn't working. In fact, my brain wasn't working either because what she just said had jammed my mind. I must have looked very stupid; I prayed hard that I got my wit back before she noticed something was wrong with me. Why did I have to feel this strange constriction in my chest and throat now of all times?

“But then I said that he’s an idiot. Which is stating the obvious really.” Krystal laughed again and this time, I smiled as well. It was probably the only action I could produce at this moment while the rest of my body tried to get orientated.

Finally I said in the lightest voice possible, “So you fell for an idiot knowing he’s an idiot. I knew it, you two are too alike.”

Krystal looked scandalized while I scolded myself repeatedly in m head - why did I even say that?

“I’m not an idiot,” she said sharply.

“No, if you admitted that, it’d be stating the obvious.”

I received a cushion in my face, which was good because I knew at that moment a shadow had passed over my eyes; my thoughts were diverted to another idea I had formed over the days – I was an idiot too.

Krystal wasn’t done. When I removed the cushion, she was looming over me and she grabbed a fistful of my hair. I cried out in pain. My eyes were watering by the time Sungjong made his entrance and Krystal let me go to hug him instead. When Sungjong had taken a seat beside me, he whispered to me, “You two look like the real couple. A television couple.”

He didn’t sound bitter or anything but I did a double-take and hit him on the head. It was a reflex and he pouted.

"I meant it in a nice way."

“Sorry,” I muttered later but he simply laughed it off. Sungjong was weird but I couldn’t help thinking that he was behaving even more weirdly since the last few days. Not always, but whenever Krystal wasn’t within earshot, he would say something complicated or strange and I would be left completely baffled. I had meant to talk to Krystal about it but then decided against it. It was probably nothing; typical Sungjong.

Everything was alright, except for the moments that only the two of them shared. They weren’t overly-clingy, but they were in love after all and even if they tried to hide it in front of me, certain actions would show. And at those moments, I would feel alone.

But what made up for those moments of seclusion was the togetherness, the three of us being together, happy. They smiled together, which they hadn’t for quite a long time and that made my heart ache with happiness and sorrow.

It hurts to see you happy.

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A/N: The story officially ends here. However, there will be an epilogue but if you don’t like disturbing plot twists, don’t read the next chapter, please, I’m serious. This is for your own good.