Journal Entry 70

Mood: Sad I guess, does it matter?

Frankly, I don’t believe in soul mates. At least not in the way everyone believes. I have great faith in that one Almighty Force sitting above us, guiding our lives. That Force has definitely sent us human beings in pairs, created souls in pairs. But once on earth, the two souls may not know or recall that they had been made for each other; they might veer away from each other and settle for a different one, but they wouldn’t be complete without each other. They may get on with life but it will be like playing guitar with a chord missing or taking pictures without removing the lens cover.

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Krystal was always a strong girl; Sungjong on the other hand wasn’t a strong boy.

I could predict that he would break it off with Luna soon. I thought Krystal would win, because she didn’t show any sign of resignation.

The next day, she was herself again. We had breakfast together on the way to school. She had grabbed a couple of sandwiches and we shared them between ourselves. Going to school was one memory only Krystal and I shared; Sungjong’s school was on the other side of our neighborhood, and it was far away too so he had to start early and definitely alone. We didn’t meet in the mornings.

The fifteen minutes’ walk from our homes to the school belonged to us only – Krystal and me. Krystal didn’t like to keep quiet and when I was around her, I didn’t like to hold my silence either. But when it was only me and Sungjong, even though it happened rarely, I could go for hours without talking while Sungjong would speake non-stop. It was as if something in Krystal induced me to talk. Or maybe I felt more comfortable with her – although I couldn’t understand why.

Krystal spoke about this and that, she didn’t mention Sungjong until I asked her, straight-up. She paused for a minute before answering.

“I don’t think Luna will last for long.”

Even though I agreed with her secretly, I couldn’t bring myself to say it out loud. If Luna didn’t last, my prospect was no better. It was possibly worse.

“So what do you plan on doing?” I didn’t try to sound too curious; I promised to myself that I would keep out of it because everything boiled down to this – Krystal and Sungjong were two friends I wouldn’t lose for anything in the world. Even if it meant I had to stash my feelings under everything else, I’d do it.

“Nothing.” Krystal shrugged. But I knew her too well to take her word for it. We steered our conversation to a different direction; it wasn’t exactly comfortable for us to pursue the topic. Krystal was shy and I was hurt – as simple as that. But Krystal didn’t know that and she never would.

Two days letter I found out that Krystal hadn’t been exactly truthful with me. Sungjong and I were shocked when Krystal told us to invite Luna to watch a movie with us on Friday night. Sungjong was elated of course but I was confused – maybe she was trying to get into Sungjong’s good books again. After all, she had sort of offended Sungjong even though Luna was kind enough not to press the subject of Krystal’s misbehavior.

When we went out that evening, Krystal was unrecognizable. She had more make-up on than I had ever seen her with. She wore a gorgeous shoulder-down dress that I hadn’t seen before on her. She had probably done something to her hair as well. Her soft hair flowed behind her like a cloud. She looked pretty, but she didn’t look like the Krystal I knew or preferred.

But it had its effects on Sungjong, as far as I could tell. He had stolen glances at Krystal more than once, even though Luna was on his arm. During the movie, Krystal put her head on my shoulder. It was something I was used to – she’d always put her head on one of our shoulders but today, Sungjong seemed to watch that with a calculating gaze. I smiled at Sungjong when I saw him staring at Krystal. Sungjong suddenly seemed to break out of his trance and looked away, but not before he smiled back gratefully at me.

The rest of the evening, he seemed determined not to look at Krystal. He bestowed extra attention on Luna. I knew he felt guilty for staring at Krystal, maybe even thinking that she looked pretty. I knew Sungjong, and he hated cheating and hurting other people. Unfortunately for him, whichever way he moved, he would hurt people, it couldn’t be helped.

Krystal looked happy for the first few hours but when she saw that all of Sungjong’s attentions were diverted to Luna once again, she started to look glum. At one point, she insisted I take her home.

“I don’t want to ruin your date,” she told Sungjong.

Sungjong seemed reluctant about us parting but since Luna looked like she wanted to stay longer, we said our farewells. The walk back to Krystal’s house was quiet. Krystal wouldn’t talk; she looked deep in thought. I didn't say anything to rouse her from that. At her doorstep, she leaned towards me. I caught her in an embrace and she started crying. I had seen from the corner of my eyes that she looked she would break into tears any moment during the walk.

“Why Myungsoo why? What does she have that I don’t?” Krystal’s voice came muffled through the tears. I sighed softly, hoping she didn’t catch the sound or perceive the reason behind it.

After all, I could easily ask the same question.

“It will be okay Krystal, someday. He’ll come around.” I bit my lips. Did I even want what I was saying? I felt like the biggest hypocrite on earth; it was almost as bad as cheating.

“I tried so hard.” Krystal gulped. There was a defeated look on her face that I didn’t like at all. I turned away. It was better not to watch the emotions flit across her eyes. The eyes – I keep thinking about them all day.

A long moment of silence passed before the sounds of her sobs stopped. She opened the door. “See you tomorrow.” She sounded much more composed.

I nodded.

It hurts to see you try so hard.