Journal Entry 85

Mood: gray with some black streaks.

The wind feels sweet on my skin. Almost as if it’s spring.  Well it is spring, at least for some. Spring is a big deal apparently and I think I can understand why. Spring is the beacon of new beginnings, of hope. It is a rejuvenating feeling, almost as if you have suddenly developed superpowers. I enjoy this feeling – I feel revitalized. It’s funny how spring washes away a lot of things – regret, bitterness, hatred, animosity. But not love. If anything, spring strengthens the tender strong of love, spring heralds love.

But I am already so much in love , so far gone that spring doesn’t, it can’t excite any new feelings within me. Spring is Cupid’s song sung for those who are less fortunate than I am.

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Sungjong was waiting outside a window in Krystal’s living room, gesturing me to come out. He apparently had something important to say because when I mouthed “Later,” at him and acted out Krystal being mad at the moment, he still persisted.

I sighed. I gave in too quickly.

I searched behind me – Krystal was in the kitchen, baking something. I could slip out and she wouldn’t be able to see me. But if she returned to the living room for some reason and found me missing, she’d either let loose hell on me or cry – both I couldn’t endure.

Sungjong was still wildly gesticulating - I had no choice.

I tiptoed out of the room and when I was out, Sungjong almost jumped on me.

“What the – what’s so important?” I asked, pretending to be angry while extricating Sungjong from me.

“I think I know why Krystal is mad at me! I figured it out, I’m a genius!” Sungjong exclaimed. He looked immensely pleased; his eyes were shining.

“You did?” My throat was dry. I knew that he had to be extremely thick to not get the message; in ways Krystal was pretty obvious.

“Yes! But Luna helped.” My mouth fell open.

“You – you talked to Luna about this?”

“Duh, she’s so smart, I just had to!” I tried to calm myself down. So everyone on the block knew everything now. I tried to reckon where that made me stand, but I had no clue.

“And she’s not mad? Or…you’re not mad at me for not telling you?”

Sungjong shrugged. “Luna did scold me for not doing it earlier. And besides I know you wanted to tell me but I’m sure Krystal prevented you.”

That was a genuinely smart deduction for someone like Sungjong, who hated analyzing anything. I wondered how much more would I be surprised when he would tell me what he had decided to do about it.

“So…what are you going to do?”

“Return it of course.” Sungjong smiled at me condescendingly. “What else? With an apology note.”

“I…what?” This didn’t make sense. It took Sungjong a lot of effort to take things seriously but this was an important matter and I couldn’t believe he would treat this so lightly. Granted, he supposedly had the love of his life but he should know well that such a straightforward rejection would break Krystal completely.

“Yeah. I even wrote it. Luna helped me to.” He produced a folded paper from his pocket. He held it out for me to examine but I wasn’t sure I wanted to see it. A fountain pen was sticking out of his pocket and I locked my eyes on that instead. It was already shocking to find a pen in Sungjong’s pocket, let alone a fountain pen; and it looked vaguely familiar. The intricate design on the head – I had seen that before. A memory faintly presented itself in my head – but I couldn’t exactly locate it.

“What’s that?” I pointed at the pen, which he pulled out and forced into my hand.

“The pen; the one I took 5 years ago. I understand, I had only borrowed it from Krystal and she should be upset that I hadn’t returned it. But she could have told me you know.” He came closer to me and lowered his voice. “Don’t you think she over-reacted a bit?”

My heart was pounding in my ears. I tried to breathe evenly while my head felt light.

“It’s Luna’s doing actually,” Sungjong continued, unaware of the changes in my expressions. “She asked if I had ever taken anything from Krystal and not returned. She told me girls are usually possessive about their possessions. I tore my room apart and then I found it – it was her favorite right?”

Putting my brain on pause, I inhaled deeply. I tried to arrange everything that had scattered in my mind – so Sungjong thought Krystal was mad at him for taking her fountain pen and not returning it.

I blinked at Sungjong – was that really what he had come up with or was he pretending? I concluded that he wasn’t such a good actor, which was unfortunate for him because it made him an even bigger blockhead than me.

“And…Luna put you up to this?” I asked slowly.

Sungjong nodded enthusiastically. I tried to picture Luna plotting a scheme to prevent Sungjong from finding out the truth - but it was impossible. Luna was such a high-spirited pleasant girl, and she was nice on the inside. She couldn’t have done this on purpose; which lead me to the other conclusion – she was just as clueless as Sungjong and just as horrible at perceiving emotions. They were made for each other alright.

I shook my head at the thought.

“She also told me something but I told her I’d have known. It isn’t true right?” Sungjong frowned a bit, looking at me keenly.

“What?” I braced myself to hear what other crazy theory she had come up with.

Sungjong was now whispering and his eyes flinched as he said, “That you and Krystal are dating?”

I was so surprised that I laughed rather rudely in his face.  A bit of spit even landed on the tip of his nose and he jumped back.

“Hey!”

It took me quite some time to stop laughing. When I had squeezed my stomach painfully to keep the laughter down, he looked at me, offended.

“What was so funny?”

“The idea…surely Sungjong, you of all people should know.”

Sungjong looked pleased. “I know. That’s what I told her.” The smile was back on his face. “I’m glad.”

I couldn’t stop the tilting sensation in my gut. Sighing slightly, I asked, “Why?”

“Er…” Sungjong looked embarrassed. “It’d be weird…I mean you and Krystal…let’s find someone else for Krystal.” He spoke the words hurriedly and avoided eye contact. His behavior was putting all my calculations in disarray. Nothing made sense.

“Um – what about me?” I asked half-jokingly. Something compelled the words out of my mouth and I regretted saying them the next moment. Sungjong’s eyes widened. It was a hilarious sight because his mouth always hung open as much as his eyes when he was shocked, giving it a comical effect. I resisted the urge to pinch his cheeks; Krystal, the old Krystal wouldn’t have hesitated.

“You want to meet a girl?” I realized he had gotten my question wrong and I was secretly thankful for that. “I suppose you can…” Even then, that was not the reaction I had expected. I realized that Sungjong was confused from over-exhaustion of his brain. I decided to give him a break.

“Forget it.”

“Oh I - ”

He was interrupted by his phone ringing. He picked it up; I could tell it was Luna.

“I gotta run,” he told me when he was done. “Give these to Krystal okay and tell her I’m sorry. I explained in the note. Bye.” He almost ran away after forcing the note in my hand. He was acting weirdly.

I turned back to make my way to the house when I saw Krystal standing at one of the windows and looking at me with confusion in her eyes. There were questions there and I’d rather not answer any.

It hurts to see you confused.