Journal Entry 91

Mood: utter confusion.

Sometimes I marvel at the world – to me it’s infinite. There are so many people in the world, so many different individuals. But then again, there are similar people as well, like Krystal and Sungjong. They both think they know what they want but I have a feeling they don’t. I don’t have any concrete proof to base my conclusions on but it’s almost like an innate feeling, a kind of sixth sense. They wander around like lost children and end up going to the beginning.

As for me, I never move. I’m like stagnant water of a tiny puddle, to be stepped on but never to be released. I don’t hate it though, but I not necessarily love it.

Again, my feelings are platonic.

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I shut my journal quickly and stuffed in my drawer. No one knew about its existence, except for Sungjong but he had no idea about its contents. Once he found it while rummaging in my drawer but I snatched it away and made him swear a solemn oath that he’d never tell anyone about it or try to read it. That was probably the only thing I asked from him and laughing, he had agreed.

I had just heard a noise and I couldn’t be sure but it probably was a knock on the door. That seemed weird though, because we had a calling bell and anyone who had the courtesy to call at this hour would definitely have to be someone close enough to our family to know of its existence.

In silence I waited for a trace of the sound again – instead of a knock, I heard faint scratching, deep breaths and before long something hit my window. Jumping up from my table I rushed towards the window and the sight that met my eyes almost made my heart stop.

Sungjong was hanging from the window sill. He had definitely tried to climb up to the third floor by the lead pipe that went from the roof to the ground and now he was stuck here, on the verge of falling. I didn’t have time to get surprised – I tried to pull him up, using all my strength but he wouldn’t let go of the sill. Even in the darkness I could tell his face was white as paper.

“What the – Sungjong just let go, I got you.” I tried to convince him and after a time, he let go. I caught him in time and helped him up. He toppled over me and for a minute, we were both breathing heavily on the floor while cold sweat ran down our bodies. It was one of the most terrible moments of my life – watching Sungjong like that, on the brink of death.

For one horrible instant, I thought I had lost him.

“What were you thinking?” I almost shouted the moment my breath returned. Sungjong was sitting now, looking hurt. The fear I had seen a moment ago was gone, replaced by genuine despondency.

“I – I don’t know…I was so hurt that I thought I should do something emo,” Sungjong said uncertainly. His answer made me want to tear out my hair – I felt like an exasperated parent.

“That was very emo, congratulations. Except, that could have actually killed you!”

“That was the point,” he murmured, flinching as I eyed him scathingly.

“Sungjong I swear if you try that one more time -”

Sungjogn threw his hands up in surrender. “I got it, I won’t. And just for future reference, it doesn’t feel that good, hanging like that.”

I gritted my teeth. I really had the urge to shake him by the shoulder and punch some sense into him – my pulse was still running high.

“No, it probably felt a little like death. Nothing that should concern you.” My voice was dripping sarcasm but instead of trying to fend me off or laugh it off, Sungjong looked sad. He was probably shaken by the incident, as much as I was. He had to be, after all he was the one almost falling to his death.

“I’m sorry, but…I really need to talk to you.” When I didn’t reply, he bit his lips and looked at me pleadingly. That lost look in his eyes melted my heart but I was still recuperating from the shock and I didn’t want him to know that. So I maintained the silence.

“Luna left.”

Surely, I couldn’t look away after that statement. I searched his face for any traces of lie; but it was evident it wasn’t a lie to grab my attention.

“What? Where to?”

Sungjong sighed.

“She’d auditioned for a few entertainment companies remember?” I didn’t. “SM called her a week ago to fianlise the contract. She signed it today. It contains a dating ban for 10 years. She told me not to wait.”

Sungjong spoke quickly and every moment I expected him to laugh and say it was all a joke. But he didn’t. I watched him tear up.

“Hey, I’m sorry. Well 10 years is a long time, isn’t it better this way?” My voice was softer but I was unsure about exactly what mood I should adopt. Sungjong usually liked to take everything easily but I couldn’t actually laugh it off when Sungjong was convinced that Luna was the one for him.

“Maybe – well does it count as getting dumped? She broke it off…”

“No it doesn’t,” I said firmly. The last thing Sungjong needed was to think that he had gotten dumped. Luna was an extremely nice girl and I couldn’t believe she had done something like this so sudden. But Sungjong was actually better than I had expected him to be after a break-up with Luna, apart from the almost suicide of course, which made me think that he must have had some clue.

“Did – did you know about this before?”

He scratched his neck.

“Sort of. She told me when she went for the auditions. She said it’s her dream to be a famous singer.”

“So you knew this would happen?”

“I wasn’t sure. I mean Luna’s really good and all that but it takes luck to get into a company.” He shrugged helplessly. “I feel so…let down.”

I really had no idea how to comfort him. Men are usually bad this but handling Sungjong was like handling an explosive. I said the one thing I thought sounded safe.

“Sleep over okay?”

On the way to school the next day, I broke the news to Krystal. She didn’t believe me at first but when I repeated, she had to.

For one moment, her eyes lit up before she hid it and said, “I’m sorry.” I knew she wasn’t in the least bit sorry. But I couldn’t blame her. I had been known to act just as selfishly at times.

“So – are you going to – well are you going to confess now?”

“What’s the hurry?” Krystal hadn’t sounded less gloomy in a long time. I enjoyed the smile that was playing at her lips but there was something else about her that disturbed me – it resembled arrogance a bit. It was as if she was thinking that she had just won.

“He’s miserable though.”

Krystal didn’t seem bothered by the information. “He just needs time.”

“Exactly,” I agreed. “Which reminds me, I can’t be with you as much. I have to be with Sungjong for the week – you know emotional support.”

She snorted. “You – emotional support?”

“Ouch,” I pretended to wince. “Who was there for you when you were crying like a rainforest?”

It had the effect I wanted – she blushed.

“Fine, I can be on my own for a few days. It’s no big deal.”

“So you won’t miss me?” She stopped in her tracks and turned around to face me. There was a hard look on her face.

“When have I ever not missed you? You’re my best friend.” That kind of statement didn’t require a reply so I grabbed her hand and we walked in silence for the rest of the way.

For the next few days, I was inseparable from Sungjong; or maybe it was the other way around. It didn’t matter but he stayed over at my place and skipped school. I followed suit and we would tour the parks nearby, or sometimes go and watch a movie and eat out. It worked like a tonic for Sungjong, who was regaining his older self but there was still a shadow above his head. It was painful to watch him try to smile, but the former brilliance was missing. It was almost as if he was fighting himself.

I did the best I could to keep his mind away from Luna, and it seemed like it worked but even then I couldn’t brush away one cloud. I had never seen Sungjong like this before, so I didn’t know what would work, or what would make worse. I tried talking to Krystal – I asked her to visit him so that we could be like we used to be before – just the three of us. But Krystal would avoid the meeting, saying she wasn’t ready. She was probably at a war herself, planning how to face him, or even confess to him.

As a result, I was seeing less and less of Krystal , who sometimes called me up to complain how I had completely forgotten her and how lonely she was. I knew that, but when I looked at Sungjong’s crumpled figure, I grew certain of where my priorities lay. They were both my friends – I was there when Krystal had needed me more; now I was here with Sungjong.

But even then, I felt that Sungjong was missing Luna – it was something even a best friend couldn’t fulfill.

As I discussed in my mind the difference between me and Luna, I realized that I couldn’t provide with Krystal with the company she actually wanted; that she had been lonely despite me being by her.

That was the distinction between a best friend and a lover.

That was where I failed.

I was powerless.

It hurts to see you lonely.