Journal Entry 76

Mood: This and that.

I had no epiphany, no revelation, no moment of truth. There wasn’t one single incident that moved me but every second, every day together rose up like a quiet storm within my heart, one that didn’t rage or shake. It simply existed, the feeling, the realization.

The plethora of these unremembered occasions, those forgotten sights produced in me the feeling I now cherish, the longing I nurture. I simply found myself forwards in the depths and creases of a well-known heart and I couldn’t protest. I didn’t want to. It happened and I let it be.

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Have you ever felt one day after waking up, that your world which had been a burst of colors had suddenly toned down to a dismal monochrome? Have you ever felt the circumstances singling you out and choking you until you give in? Have you ever felt that you’re powerless in the face of a greater enemy?

I felt it all. I was drowning in these feelings and I couldn’t pull myself up. More often, I pulled on the stoic face in front of Krystal and Sungjong. They quarreled, they made up – it was insane. It was happening so fast that I soon lost track of whether they were fighting or they were friends. On days, I would remind Sungjong that our day at the park was cancelled, thinking Sungjong and Krystal weren’t speaking to each other only to be said that Krystal had just called him to say that the date was on. On other days, I’d give Krystal the book I’d borrowed from Sungjong to pass it on to him and she’d give me an angry look and tell me to do it myself.

It was so very confusing that I thought I’d go crazy soon.

I started to mark my calendars with ticks and crosses, indicating days when they were friends and days when they weren’t talking to each other respectively. At the end of the month, my calendar was a mess and I still couldn’t figure out any pattern.

Luna persisted though, and that was the biggest surprise to me. For four weeks Sungjong had dated the same girl – it had to be a personal record for him. When I mentioned the fact to Krystal, she snapped at me and told me to concentrate on writing the letters properly. But then again, I probably shouldn’t have talked about it since any mention of Luna was enough to put Krystal in a totally horrible mood for hours.

We were writing invitation letters. Krystal was holding a party for her birthday and she wanted to invite a huge number of people, all our old friends and cousins, most of whom I didn’t even remember. When I pointed out that it’d be easier to invite them via emails, she glared at me and signed off the letter she was writing viciously. I refrained from making any more suggestions.

Krystal’s mood swings were becoming increasingly inexplicable and even I was having trouble in keeping up with them. But that wasn’t the only thing that had changed – we were seeing less and less of Sungjong throughout the vacation. He and Luna would take off shopping or eating out without telling us and when I’d call him to ask him to hang out with us, I’d hear their frenzied giggles and hang up. It was putting a strain on our friendship and try as I might to hold the three of us together, I felt like the masts were breaking.

I couldn’t exactly blame Sungjong either. I could see why he didn’t want to hang out with Krystal since she’d suddenly burst out or throw a fit at Sungjong without any valid reasons.  He was very possibly ignoring us on purpose.

Now I was torn – Sungjong and Krystal were both my friends. I couldn’t take sides. Normally I didn’t have to but sometimes Sungjong would ask me to hang out with him at his place or help him on a social work and when Krystal heard it, she’d ask me to stay with her. Those were the hardest times. I really couldn’t decide and as much as I liked to stay with Krystal, I missed Sungjong too.

However, I rationalized that Sungjong had Luna to hang out with whereas Krystal didn’t have someone as close with whom she shared an emotional bond apart from me.

“You understand right?” I’d tell Sungjong on the phone.

“No I don’t!” Sungjong would hang up and take out his phone’s battery.

Luckily, on Krystal’s birthday, Sungjong and she were on friendly terms and as a result, he ended up at the party. It was a huge affair and was held in the backyard of Krystal’s house. There were loud music, lots of food and drinks and a giant birthday cake. A lot of people attended and as I had feared, I recognized only a few of them.

I expected everything to go smoothly but Sungjong had decided to mess things up. I was sure he hadn’t done it on purpose but he brought along Luna. She wished Krystal and even presented her with a nice tops and I thought she was really sweet. But Krystal didn’t think so and she turned away while she was talking to her, rather rudely, I thought. Luna looked confused for a second before she blinked and started laughing. It was really nice of her to brush the incident off and when I took Krystal aside to point it out and ask her to be a little nicer to Luna, she threw me a dirty look.

“You try being nice to someone who’s with the person you love.”

“Been there, done that,” I murmured but Krystal was too disturbed to hear me. I also figured out that this was the first time she had actually said the word love. Not that I had expected otherwise but I wasn’t exactly prepared for it. I was definitely not prepared for what came next – she clung to my neck and started sobbing on my shoulder. It wasn’t the first time we were in such close proximity but it felt awkward. I patted her head, trying to prevent the flow from my eyes.

When she sobered up, we returned to the party, pretending nothing happened. We were cutting across the people on the makeshift dance floor, Krystal greeting them with a smile when we saw it – the last nail on the coffin.

There were a lot of people around but for some reason, I could see only them. Certainly, that was what Krystal felt as well as she stiffened beside me, her face draining of color. 

Sungjong and Luna were intertwined, lips locked together. I froze as well. What I felt couldn’t be described in words. Even though we had seen Krystal and Luna together a lot of times, we had never seen them kiss.

This was a first.

And it hurt.

The pallor on Krystal’s face was eerie. I put my arms around her waist because I feared she’d faint any time. But she showed no sign of moving. She seemed to have been frozen; the only indication that she was seeing it, that she was feeling it was the stream of tears gliding across her cheeks.

“Krystal, are you okay?” I asked. She made no sign that she’d heard me. People were starting to look at her. They were whispering and touching her, calling out to her but she was insensible to it all.

“Krystal?” I shook her with force. I was scared that she had gone into a shock or something.

“Krystal?” A new voice joined in and Krystal blinked. I muttered a hasty prayer and turned to Sungjong, who looked worried.

Krystal made a grabbing motion towards Sungjong but I caught her before she could reach him. I wouldn’t lie, I felt jealous.

“I’ll take her inside, I think she has fever or something. Take care of the crowd?” I bestowed my co-host duties on Sungjong, who nodded, and supported Krystal inside the house.

“What happened?” Krystal’s mom asked when she saw me hauling her to the second floor.

“Nothing much, I think she drank too much,” I replied with a smile. Krystal’s mom shook her exasperatedly and returned to the TV show she was watching. Once inside her bedroom, I put Krystal down on her bed.

“Krystal, please say something,” I pleaded. I was concerned about her and I was wondering if I should tell her mom to take her to the hospital or at least call a doctor.

“Sungjong,” she shuddered before starting to cry vigorously. I knew I wasn’t needed here anymore so I got up and turned the lights off, before leaving, shutting the door noiselessly behind me.

For the next few days, Krystal would break down in tears for no apparent reason whenever no one was around. While she wept, I would look away or pat her back soothingly. Even as a baby, Krystal almost never cried and now it hurt me to see her as a wreck. At times, I thought I would talk to Sungjong about it, who was clueless as to why Krystal wasn’t talking to him or even letting him inside her house. But I was selfish, and I was a jerk. I protected what was not mine to protect.

One day, I couldn’t take it anymore and asked Krystal if she wanted me to talk to Sungjong. She started crying again and I put my hand on her head. She leaned into the touch.

It hurts to see you cry.