~*~Chapter 14~*~

~*~*~

Luhan’s nightmares got even worse. But they were always the same; Sehun was standing with Luhan inside a dark room.

Sehun kept on calling for Luhan but Luhan was unable to answer, it was like his mouth was glued together. Instead of answering with words, Luhan stretched out his hand to Sehun. But as soon as their fingertips touched was Sehun turned into a big, green and hairy monster.

When Sehun was about to attack Luhan, Luhan always woke up.

He was always being sweaty and tears kept on falling down from his cheeks. Luhan would always stand up from his bed and walk into Minseok’s room.

Luhan laid down on the bed, so close to Minseok as it was possible. Minseok’s body was still skinny but he had started to gain weight.

“Luhan…?” Minseok asked, half awake and half asleep, Luhan wasn’t sure if he was sleep-talking or not.

Luhan nodded and his face brushed on Minseok’s back, which caused Minseok to lightly shiver.

“Can I sleep here with you? I had a bad dream about Sehun again…” Luhan said and placed his arms around Minseok’s waist.

Minseok didn’t argue with that because 1) he was too tired and 2) he wanted to be close to Luhan. So they fell asleep together and Luhan usually never had any bad dreams in the nights.

Somehow, Minseok made him feel safe.

~*~*~

Luhan was sitting inside Joonmyeon’s office, on the same couch as usual. Yixing and Minseok were sitting on two other chairs in the corner of the room and Joonmyeon was sitting by his desk, writing down what had happened today.

“I’m sorry” Luhan whispered, deep inside he hoped that no one would hear that.

His apologize was mostly meant for Yixing, since Luhan hit him, but it was also for Joonmyeon and Minseok.

Luhan was taking up their time; Minseok skipped work for this, Yixing had his own life and Joonmyeon had probably some other patients waiting for him.  But instead they were all here, taking care of Luhan as if Luhan was the most important thing in their lives.

“Don’t be sorry. I just think that you need some stronger medicine” Joonmyeon said while he was looking through the list of medicines Luhan has taken or not taken.

“Which medicine has this boy not tried?” Joonmyeon muttered while he continued to look through the list.

Luhan bit his lower lip and then pressed it together with his upper lip. This wasn’t the medicines fault, this was Luhan’s fault.

“I haven’t been taking… the medicines for a while” Luhan admitted.

Joonmyeon stopped looking and looked at Luhan with eyes big as tea-spoons.

“Why?”

“Because… they gave me pimples” Luhan pouted, there was so many other reasons for why he stopped taking the medicines. Pimples were just one of them. Luhan was scared; he was scared of everything around him.

That it would all disappear, if he took his medicines. But if he didn’t, they would never disappear.

“You told me that you did take them” Joonmyeon noted, he was shocked but he tried to hide it.

Luhan murmured a small and inaudible “I’m sorry” and looked down into his hands.

Minseok chuckled from the place he had been sitting at; he had been quiet the whole time. He had been happy that Jongin had just been an imagination, even though Luhan was being so broken about this.

“You have been lying to me and your psychologist. You’re not the Luhan I used to know, what happened to you?” Minseok calmly asked and stood up from his chair.

Tears began to fall down from Minseok’s cheeks; he was hurt from the way Luhan had acted. How selfish his best friend had been.

“Minseok…” Luhan began to slowly sob; he tried to hold back his tears but failed. “…Baozi…”

Minseok shook his head, he saw the tears on Luhan’s cheeks and felt how the tears began to push under his eyelids as well.

Luhan felt guilty, he had disappointed them all.

“Don’t call me Baozi. I thought we were friends, I thought we shared everything; I thought we told each other everything. Because that’s what friends do!” Minseok was now both screaming and crying at the poor Luhan.

“You know what? I built up my life circulated on you for the past four years. I have done everything for you! I have been starving myself for you! I began to eat, just to see your smile once again because I knew the pain I caused you.” Minseok took a deep breath.

“I have given you my whole life, only because I love you so freaking much!” Minseok yelled but tried his best to calm down when he was how badly Luhan was crying.

Minseok wanted to end it all right here; the friendship, the love and the pain. It wasn’t worth this, Luhan never cared and he never would.

“I have been waiting for you for half my life to feel the same thing for me as I feel for you. But now I know; you will never love me. Because you don’t trust me enough” Minseok’s voice could barely hold out into the end of the last sentence and with this words Minseok left the office.

Luhan was being left, broken and crying on the red couch inside Joonmyeon’s office.

Yixing, who pitied Luhan for having such a tragic destiny, hurried to the couch and sat down next to Luhan. He gently placed his arms around Luhan’s shoulders. Yixing let Luhan cry as much he wanted to.

“I’m sorry” Luhan said, it was about the tenth time today Luhan had apologized.

Yixing shook his head; Luhan didn’t have to apologize for anything. Yixing dried Luhan’s wet cheeks with his hands.

“If it gets better by crying, then cry” Yixing simply said.

~*~*~

‘Dear Sehun,

I introduced Jongin for Yixing, Minseok and Joonmyeon today.

It turns out that he is just like you; not real and just another imagination.

I could I fall for these simple games my mind are playing with me? All because of me didn’t take my medicines properly.

Minseok seems to hate me now as well.

I want to get out of here, I want to die. I don’t want to be sick any longer.

What should I do?

Love, Luhan’

‘Dear Luhan,

You will never receive this letter but I just want to say that I’m sorry for yelling at you today.

And I’m sorry for reacting the way I did. But I do this because I care for you.

Because I care so much.

I will never stop loving you and I will continue to wait until the day when you will come to me, but I learned today that you never will love me.

To be honest, I know see why you enjoy writing letters to Sehun. It’s a good help to ease your mind.

I will now forget about my feelings for you, they will now be a part of my past and nothing else.

I’m sorry and I regret everything that happened today.

You will always have a special place in my heart.

Only yours,

Kim Minseok, Baozi.’