“So, how is your dad?” Kris spoke as he put his elbows on the railing of the rooftop. He and Jongin had gone up there to admire the sunset after their trip home from the airport. Jongin was staying in a hotel not far from where Kris lived and was stopping by before checking in.

“He’s doing fine.” They watched the sky’s gradient crawl through purples, oranges and yellows as it was settling into the deep blue of the  night. Their silence together was comfortable.

Jongin looked at his hyung for a moment, tracing Kris’ silhouette with his gaze. When Jongin’s mother had passed away after giving birth to him, his father had been too distraught angry to want to take care of him and instead abandoned the new born boy at an orphanage in Korea.

When they had discovered where Jongin was, Kris’ family welcomed him warmly although they could not take him in. He joined them on holidays and school breaks. Everyone provided him with the love that he was cut-off from at the orphanage – aside from Kris’ father who was sinking deeper into his mafia business and was rarely home.

They were his second family and with them he could forget his pains; they made him feel like more than just the piece of garbage he was to his foster families. Jongin remembered how he always anticipated going to China but above all he was excited to see Kris every time – the hyung that he always admire and looked  up to .

For quite some time they had been inseparable; they were the three musketeers of Guangdong province along with Yi Min. Jongin would simply ask Kris to  play with him and the elder would agree in a heartbeat, a er to the happiness of his favourite dongsaeng. So despite being two years older than Jongin, Kris was more than his cousin, he was his best friend, his brother and even his father-figure. Although they lived so far from each other, they spent enough time together for Jongin to see Kris from every angle; the  lively child, the mature teenager, the playful young adult – but the  absence of joy had swallowed him like the shadow blanketing his face.

After Kris had left to study in Canada when he was 16, they had stopped communicating. They didn’t speak or see each other for several long years but Kris hadn’t changed much; at least physically. When Jongin looked passed Kris’ eyes, passed his smile, he could see a whole different person who couldn’t  be the light of day that could bring delight to the rest of the world. the joyful child was gone and left in its place a soulless man bent on revenge.

“How are you? Still the King of Kings in underground China?” Jongin raised his eyebrows suggestively but Kris just turned the glare at him. “Aish, I’m just joking, I’m joking!” His hyung softened and looked back out over the city scape. “Seriously, how are you though?”

Kris sighed heavily before looking solemnly towards the  horizon. “What do you think?”

“That’s the point, I don’t know. It’s been so long since we talked and, well, you know what happened back then so I-”

“I’m fine.” Kris cut him off and set his gaze towards the  street below them. They were quiet for a long moment before Jongin pulled out a half-empty box of cigarettes from one pocket and a lighter from the other. He flicked one up from the box and offered it to Kris. The elder smirked before accepting.

“Messing with your health huh?” Jongin ignored him but shook his head. Kris glanced at the younger cautiously.

Jongin sighed and smiled to himself. He looked as if he was ready to say something controversial.

“So…I heard you made a name for yourself in Seoul-”

“It’s really none of your business.” Kris interjected just as he lit up and took a long drag. Whatever Jongin wanted to know, he wasn’t going to tell – Kris’ lips were sealed.

“Are you sure? I’ve heard a lot. Bloody Kris, merciless Kris, Seoul’s terror.” Jongin leaned with wide but excited eyes. “Murderer.” He whispered into his hyung’s ear. Kris closed his eyes for a second before turning to his friend with all the malice in his eyes that he could muster. After a long second he pressed his index finger to Jongin’s forehead and pushed him away. The younger laughed.

“Relax! Relax! Aren’t you happy to see me though? Kim Jongin, The single man most coveted in Korea and China combined.” Kai stretched his arms as if he was embracing the sunset that still lingered before them.                     “You should be honoured to be my cousin. Girls would kill just to be as close to me as you are now and-”

Kris didn’t let him finish but walked away totally uninterested. He headed to the door of the roof but Kai caught up with him, hopping like and excited child and put his arm around his cousin’s shoulder. He glanced up at the sky with a happy smile.

“Aigoo, even Korea’s clouds missed me!” Kris pushed Kai away and the younger stopped walking, Kris stopping a few feet away.

“Don’t touch me with those hands of yours, who knows what you’ve done with them? I bet they’re as dirty as your mouth.” Kris scoffed at his own joke.

“Gee, you know me too well hyung.” Jongin said, wriggling his eyebrows. Kris just look at him straight, disgusted.

“Why did you come back anyway? You called me in me in the middle of the night, telling me to pick you up from the airport. And all after 3 years!” Kris didn’t want to  get hysterical but he could tell something was up. Kai was the  type to chase the girls that wanted him, not dodge them to the see cousin he hadn’t spoken to for so long.

“How many times do I have to tell you to relax? Let me explain alright? You see I woke up a few days ago and I felt…a bit….empty you know? Like something was missing. And then BAM!” He exclaimed with a clap of his hands that made Kris jump. “Your face popped into my head and I realised, I was just missing you too much. So, I rushed to catch the  first flight here to join my amazing hyung as soon as possible.” He blew Kris a kiss but the other rolled his eyes and turned away.

“No! Seriously,” Kris turned back with an incredulous look, “The truth is Sajangnim wants to set me up with some girl, an arranged marriage or something. That old fox!” It was Kai’s turn to  roll his eyes but Kris still didn’t believe him. *Like I’m that dumb, why does he have to try and hide the truth?*

“Tell me everything.” Kris crossed his arms and waited for Jongin to spill the whole story.

Jongin’s eyes widened when he realised his falsehoods were defeated. He broke into an awkward laugh and gave up.

“Oh hyung, you pretty sharp. But uh, the marriage thing…well it means I’ll have to take over the company in the next two years and I’m actually going to have to  start taking responsibility for the whole thing, which I don’t want to do, I’m not ready okay!....So I just left.” He said the  last part nonchalantly but the sadness lingered in his eyes the way Kris remembered it would every time the boy called his father ‘Sajangnim’.

His father never wanted to  be called that though. He had even slapped his son one day when the word had slipped unintentionally from Jongin’s lips. Kai had never thought of him as a father, nor did he think he ever could, so to call him so formally was what felt right. After all though, a father is a father and Kai was always mindful of that.

They stood still and silent for another long while.

“And you? Why are you here?” Kai finally took the chance to speak and Kris could see he’d been chewing on the question for a long time. Kris chose to ignore him and just stared ahead.

“I know what you’re going to do though.” Kris closed his eyes. He had been afraid of that but he was still unsure of how Jongin knew. “I don’t know the details but if you want my opinion,” he held up a hand when Kris went to  speak, “which I know you don’t, but I find it just plain stupid. It’s a bad idea and I can you tell that you know that. I just hope you won’t regret it because in the  end, you might just be the one to get hurt-”

“I won’t.” Kris snapped. He was determined to finish what he had started and Jongin would sway him.

“Whatever.” Kai shrugged again and walked a few steps to the door before bouncing back to Kris. “Oh I can’t wait for tonight! We’re going to have so much fun!” He shouted and threw his hands in the air . Kris was simply bewildered.

“Why?”

“We’re going out tonight hyung! We’re going to party!”

“You’ve got to be kidding.” Kris chucked his half burnt cigarette onto the dirty ground and crushed with the toe of his shoe.

“Oh come on hyung! I just arrived here and after all that time in China, I need to let go of all the stress that built up. What I went through every day,” Jongin became louder with each word, “just because of how important I’m meant to be and the eye bags I got from having only four hours of sleep a night and then working all day! My chair gave me a stiff neck and back aches. You don’t know just how good those airplane seats were compared to the  usual.”

His body slumped as he spoke hysterically of his hardships. “Oh, and not to mention, because I had to work so much, the only thing I could eat was noodles, every ing day noodles, noodles and more noodles!” Kai shouted and stared for a second before sighing heavily.

Kris just watched him with his arms crossed. “No, Kai.”

The younger stopped his thoughts and looked up surprised. “What? Hyung!” In a second Kai’s eyes sparked and before Kris could explain, he continued in a calmer tone. “Do you remember when we were kids and you peed yourself? We exchanged our pants and I took the blame. You owe me one hyung.” Jongin wanted tomake his point and decided to pretend to cry like a petulant child. “Poor me, I even lost my dignity, and your mother’s respect, for you!”

Kris’ eyes widened and his jaw dropped. “What the hell does that have to do with anything!?”

“Please hyung! I promise that you’ll have heaps of fun and you seriously need this. I mean look at yourself. You look like a living vegetable. Ever since Yi Min-”

“Stop.” Kris was as stern as he could possibly be, scary even, but Kai ignored him.

“Ever since Yi Min di-”

“Stop it.”

“Ever sin-”

“Fine!” He cut the boy off. “Fine! Whatever, alright, I’ll go!” He shouted in frustration just begging the heavens that he didn’t have to hear the end of that sentence.

“Great!” He smiled wide and brilliant. “Aish, don’t worry hyung, you won’t regret it.” He winked with an attempt at a cute pout.” Anyways, I need to go to the hotel and unpack my luggage, be ready at 10 okay? Don’t you forget!” He shouted as he ran to the rooftop’s door.

“Jongin!” Kris shouted after him and he stopped with his hand on the knob.

“What?” Kai turned to see Kris’ waiting expression. “Do you want me to stay with you a little longer? Did you miss me that much?” He wiggled his eyebrows again and Kris was getting sick of it.

“I just wanted to ask, did you enjoy your flight?” Kai looked confused and Kris sighed, shaking his head and pointing Jongin’s collar. “You have lipstick all over you’re right cheek and on your shirt. God, you’re such a womaniser.”

Kai touched his cheek and checked his fingers, bringing a bashful smile to his lips. “Aigoo, that playful stewardess. Ah, what was her name again? Ah right! Seohyun,” he laughed once, “such a good flight hyung, such a good flight!" Kai laughed boisterously at Kris shaking head while the elder watched Jongin’s retreating back.

17th  January

" I stood before her with my shoulders squared and took a deep breath. It’s been almost a week since I declared my love for her and its makes my heart beat fast to know how she hasn’t stopped smiling. I took both her hands in mine and bent a little so that our eyes were on the same level. The position was kind of awkward but I didn’t mind.

“Oppa, what are you doing?” She blushed  because of my deep stare into her pretty eyes. “Everyone is looking at us funny.” She was so cute with her panicked voice but I didn’t move an inch.

“Song Eun Jae.” I said. She looked at me with her big beautiful eyes and I couldn’t stop my own smile. “Will you be the girl of my dreams? Will you be the girlfriend of an undeserving man? Will you fill up the empty space inside him?” Her eyes widened to an impossible size and opened into an ‘o’ shape. A long time passed and we stood there in a tense silence. She was just staring at me with blank eyes, totally spaced out.

“Oh, ah…sorry, I-I shouldn’t have it’s-” I hated myself for stuttering but in the end it didn’t matter.

“Yes!” I was beyond relieved and somewhat surprised when she awkwardly blurted that out. It was as if she was worried that she had missed her chance. “Yes, I…I want to be your girlfriend.” I was filled to the brim with joy and excitement rushed around my body.

“Really!?” She nodded enthusiastically and I rushed to hold her tight in my arms. I needed to feel her in my embrace to make sure the moment was real. Thank goodness it was. I took a deep breath as I nuzzled into her neck,the  scent of her perfume mixed with her natural smell was intoxicating.

“I love you.” I only just heard her murmur above the clapping of the few people around us, just some friends we were hanging out with on the seemingly unspecial day. They cheered for me and for us, for Eun Jae who was the most precious person in the world to me. "

Ah, Song Eun Jae, what a beautiful name, right? Today, on the 17^th of January, I asked her out, asked her to be mine. And she said yes! I must be the happiest man on earth, it’s almost too hard to believe! Song Eun Jae,the most beautiful woman to exist , is now officially my girlfriend. She has finally accepted all the love of simple me, Wu Yi Min – a damnable thug and conman – ah but that’s the past. I’m going to become a man she will be proud of, a man of decency and worth. I promise to the whole world in this moment that I will cherish her more than anything in this world for as long as I live, I promise that she will never get hurt, nor be hurt by me. I promise to  love her even more than I already do.

It seems as if the world has finally turned in my favour. My pitiful existence has been given a purpose and I can live in peace. I am too happy to explain it. If only I hadn’t sneezed though, after she said yes, I could have kissed her! I made her laugh at least. Aish I can’t wait to see my princess again!

Kris sighed at at the end of the page and flicked to the next one, still concentrated on his brother’s scrawled handwriting.

7^th February

I’ve noticed a few thing about Eun Jae lately; she always seems to be forgetting to tie her shoe lace so I have to do it for her, she also falls asleep in my arms if I pat her back gently, she’s afraid of the dark, and of grasshoppers, she doesn’t like sad movies but she loves ice cream more than anything. Every time, everywhere, she will even eat it in winter! When it’s so cold!

Ah she must be the biggest crybaby in the world. Aigoo she’s really still a kid. But when she cries I will hold her until she is better. I really do love her…my baby girl…

Kris looked at the clock that read 9.45pm. He closed the diary he had been reading and put it in its place on his bedside table. When he had found that diary so long ago, an insatiable curiosity had stirred in him. He wanted to know, he wanted to feel , he wanted to understand everything his brother had before he had left. Kris was disappointed when he discovered that it only contained memories of your relationship.

He was surprised at himself though when he continued to read it anyway. He read and re-read the diary so many times that every word was engraved in his mind; he just had to wait until the information would become useful.

Kris stood and walked into the bathroom, tucking up a few strands of his hair here and there, before walking out to the full length mirror in his bedroom. He adjusted the collar of his suit and just as he felt ready, his phone vibrated, flashing Jongin’s number to him. He opened the text message he had received.

“Tonight is going to be a long night…”