KeyRis

Sequel to Chapter 12 { Freedom }

 

Freedom came in the most unexpected of ways.

His name was Wu Yi Fan, a man that Kibum thought had to of been a model before he ended up being admitted to that horrible place. He was tall (so, so tall) with broad shoulders and long legs that went on forever. And then there was his face- it was like the guy had jumped right out of an anime or something, with round eyes and full lips and...He was indescribable. Kibum had caught himself staring, many times, during the group sessions. How could he not? Yi Fan was more than just a little bit attractive. The only problem with it was that Yi Fan triggered something in Kibum.

Feelings.

Feelings of attraction and want. It was a nice change from the constant numbness, or the occasional anger but it scared him none the less. He was feeling again and he had no way to express it without freaking out his psychologist.

And that was where he learned why Yi Fan was there in the first place. During a group session where his psychologist was going around the circle as perusual. When he landed on Yi Fan he had used another name.

Kris.

And he had reacted immediately, smiling and nodding and talking in some foreign language. He was like any other normal person. It confused Kibum so much he actually had to start digging his nails into his arm to stop himself from feeling too much. Feeling too much jealousy for something he could never have. This guy could smile and joke around and be happy, he could be himself so freely. It made Kibum want to be sick with how much he wanted to have what he had. The thing that had him stopping though was when Yi Fan (or Kris) started talking seriously, about why he was there. 

"I hate Yi Fan. He's a spineless whimp who let's everyone push him around and walk all over him."

Well. Looks like we have another addition to the split personality department. ANd a reason not be so jealous.

"And why do you say that, Kris?"

Kibum's eyebrows had gone halfway up his forehead when Kris responded with, "How about we talk about that next time." before he stood from his chair and left the room. 

Kibum liked Kris. He didn't take from anyone and he didn't give it either. He minded his own business but when he was involved with something he was relatively pleasant. Kibum also liked Yi Fan, the one who was quiet and laid back and liked to sometimes stare at Kibum when he thought he wasn't aware of it. Too bad Kibum was aware of who was looking at him...Aware that someone was probably thinking about how bad he looked that day in particular- picking him apart because of his flaws in their minds. Yi Fan had even slowly made his way over to Kibum's left side on the days that Kris didn't show up instead of him. They talked one day (their first conversation) about how someone kept stealing the bolts from Kibum's chair legs. From there things got a bit better.

Kris would ignore him and wave him off with a lazy, "How about next time." and Yi Fan would practically cling to him like velcro; sitting and chatting together while they ate, spending breaks outside in the courtyard together (Kibum with a cigarette and Yi Fan with whatever he could find that kept his hands busy). The only thing about Yi Fan was that Key was always there. He was upbeat and energetic and happy...While Kibum died a little bit on the inside because Key always made friends. Key always knew exactly what to say and do to make them laugh and smile and like him. Kibum just didn't know how to do any of that, it would make him revert right back to Key, to hide behind him like a coward because he knew nobody would like the normal kid from Daegu compared to The Almighty Key of SHINee. He knew they wouldn't because he himself didn't. He loved Key, he loved him so much that he hated him. Hated him for being everything he wasn't.

Although...Kris didn't like Key or Kibum. He simply didn't give them the time of day. It was like Key finally had a reason to be unhappy about something- finally knew how Kibum felt having to live in his shadow. It was kind of sad that he had to admit out loud that he had to deal with living in his own shadow actually, but that day had been one that Yi Fan was there to pat him on the shoulder with a small smile. It helped.

Kris liked to talk about Yi Fan's feelings during group sessions. Kibum kind of really hated him for it sometimes, and Key would be in the back of his mind telling him that he was not allowed to hate anybody because it would damage his image. So he had to sit back and let his friend trash talk himself in front of everyone there. Key just wouldn't let him stand up for Yi Fan because Kris was someone who could benefit Key in too many ways. Sometimes Kibum wondered why he even let Key rule over his life with an iron fist. It didn't benefit him much, other than the fact that his career as an Idol had been thriving because of him.

One day he even said he would have prefered to cut Key out of his life altogether and his psychologist had flipped his because he thought Kibum had literally wanted to cut Key out. Kris had just raised an eyebrow at him when he had to reassure everyone that he just wanted to get better. Yi Fan would have probably understood what he meant without needing an explination. It made Kibum feel angry that Kris had to be there (and be a dickhead) but it also had made him feel good; knowing that he trusted Yi Fan to know him well enough  like that just made him feel like he was finally getting a small taste of freedom.

Until of course he was reminded that YI Fan knew Key, not him, because he was too afraid to expose himself to anyone- including Yi Fan and Kris. Especially Kris. He was terrified that Kris would push past Key and see the scared kid from Daegu- the one who was depressed and insecure and afraid.

That changed one day however, when Yi Fan entered the room and took Kris's seat. The reason Kibum had thought it was Yi Fan being because of how unsure the expression on his face was. Kris was sure, Kris was confident in everything he did and said.

He offered to talk first.

Kibum smiled when he started talking about him, talking about how much he had changed thanks to Kibum's friendship with him. He talked about how Yi Fan- and that was when Kibum felt his heart stop for a few seconds because oh God, that was Kris? But He hardly ever talked to Kibum at all! And when he did it was usually just small stupid things about things Yi Fan had said. 

"I know Yi Fan likes him and all, and I just kind of....I don't know. I guess I approve of him or something. It's hard to explain. But I swear to God if you hurt Yi Fan I will kick your - because you'd be hurting me. It's not like I care about him or anything."

It was too bad that he had to add that last part because it had probably added time onto their stay in that place. If he would have accepted (finally) Yi Fan and actually learned to cope with living with a split personality it would have been huge progress. But Kibum was a bit too shocked to actually catch that. Yi Fan had actually really liked him. Him, as in Kim Kibum. Kris was probably the only person to see through Key (although he chose, for some odd reason, not to pay too much attention to him.) and refused to refer to him as such. He was Kibum. That was it. Yi Fan had always refered to him as Key because that was who he was to Yi Fan; he was, as he had said previously, Key; bubbly and energetic and happy. But when Yi Fan wasn't around he was Kibum. The kid who sat alone and had nobody to talk to during breaks.

And apparently Kris had caught onto that.

And liked him for it...? Well, accepted.

Being around Yi Fan after that was awkward. It wasn't like being around Kris who decided to spare him a bit of his attention before he wanted to do something else or talk to someone else. Yi Fan was oblivious while Kibum was hyperaware of every move he made, of every word that left his mouth. And he was always there. He didn't get bored of Kibum when he kind of changed from Key to himself in less than a second and decided that he simply didn't feel like talking about fashion anymore. He would just nod and act like nothing had happened, probably because he knew how it felt. No actually it was definitely because he knew how it felt. The first time Kibum had manned up and actually let Yi Fan have a glimpse at how he really felt, of who he really was, he had made it all seem so normal. Natural, like Kibum had absolutely nothing to be afraid of. And he knew he didn't even though his mind (Key) told him that yes, yes he had everything to be afraid of because he was not good enough to be like Yi Fan. To be open and fun like Yi Fan. But seeing Yi Fan go from himself to Kris and then back like it was nothing, had him (hesitantly) pushing Key back so he could be the one seen for once. And it had been easy. It had felt exhilirating and fun and free to be able to talk to Yi Fan and know that he wasn't judging him because he knew how it all felt.

Kibum liked Yi Fan, a lot.

He liked Kris too. Don't get him wrong. He just didn't like when Kris picked fun at him for being his crush. Like the times he would randomly plant a loud, wet kiss onto his cheek in the middle of group sessions when it wasn't either of their turns to be talking just so he could know that Kibum would be awkward for a while around Yi Fan. Or the times when he would pretend to be Yi Fan just so he could sneak a or two at his thighs because, "What? Just because we have different personalities doesn't make you any less hotter."

Yeah. Yi Fan definitely knew how it felt to have someone like Key in their life. His Key, just so happened to be Kris.

Just....Kris was a bit more promonent than Key. Key was more of a mask for Kibum to hide behind when he got scared while Kris was a legitemate other person entirely.

Either way- either Kris or Yi Fan- Kibum was slowly approaching freedom in the sense that he had someone that he could trust. Someone that found him attractive and someone that knew a part of him (no matter how small) that nobody else did. And he didn't pity him or leave him or hate him. He was just there, all the time, whenever and however he was needed.

And Kibum hoped he was that person for them too. Not just Yi Fan, but Kris also. Even though he tended to be a pigheaded jerk he needed someone too.

And Key just so happened to be a bit perfect for that; being able to shamelessly flirt with him and make him feel wanted and loved and happy without having to feel guilty because no matter how often Kris said he wasn't Yi Fan; he was. And Kibum loved all of Yi Fan. All of him. He loved Kris too even though it got hard sometimes.

But he would be damned if he let Key take full rane over his life again, if he let peoples expectations and opinions bring him down again even though he pretty much knew they always would. He wouldn't let it get back to how it used to be.

Or at least he would try.

 

A/N: I am a huge fan of KeyRis alright guys. HUGE. FAN. This is also my first time writing them so it might be a bit off or something :c anyway I had literally just finished my JongSoo Drabble when my laptop shut down by itself and I didn't get to save. I almost cried lol so now I have to go back and work on that /sigh/