Kibum Centric

Mentions of self harm.

 

 

It must be nice to be free. To be able to go where you want to go, eat what you want to eat and say what you want to say.  To just be yourself.

He couldn't be free. It wasn't that his parents were holding him back, or his friends- or even his employers. 

It was himself.

He couldn't look at himself in the mirror and say, "I look good today." Instead all he could think- he couldn't even say it- was, "My hair is out of place again." or, "Crap, I have another blemish." Or, "Oh...I need to start dieting again soon."

It wasn't because he had people point things out, it wasn't because he knew he wasn't the best he could be. It just happened. It was the way his mind worked, no matter how much he disliked it and tried to be otherwise; Kibum was driven by his own thoughts, his own opinions about himself. While Key....Key was driven by what Kibum could never be; confident, outgoing, fun and spunky. Blunt with his words and merciless with his actions but always knew when to stop before he crossed a certain line.

Kim Kibum and Key were two very different people.

ANd that was one of the reasons he had landed himself into this....This hell hole where people had to talk about their problems in front of other people- not that that made it any harder to talk about  it or anything- and he couldnt even wear his own jeans because, "zippers are considered to be a sharp object, Kibum. I'm sorry but you will just have to make due with your sweats and pajamas for now. However any shirts are welcomed, as long as they don't have any studs. Or inappropriate designs." What was he going to do? Try to kill himself with his pants zipper? Yeah okay.

....Yeah. Actually they were right to take the pants from him because within the first week he had been there all he could do was dig his nails into the skin of his forearms and inner thighs like they would actually draw blood. Which they had managed to do before he was forced to have his nails clipped down so far that he swore the nurse was going to clip off the tips of his fingers.

But that was beside the point.

The point, the stupid nonsensical point, was that he was there in the first place.

In a friggin' loony bin because he had cut himself a few times. And taken on a bit of a second personality but hey that came along with a stage persona, right?

Apparently not.

Not when you cut yourself and have ing self esteem problems.

But if you don't, if you're alright and don't do stupid things then it's okay. Otherwise Jinki would have been there with him, right by his side. Because Jinki and Onew are two different people too. But Jinki doesn't cut or starve himself or get high; he just deals with his problems like a 'normal' person. So he's back at the dorm, back with Taemin and Minho and Jonghyun probably watching a movie or sleeping or chatting up a storm trying to distract them all from reality.

Because reality was that their member, their Kibummmie was locked up in this place. Alone. Without them and their care and their support.

And Kibum was not happy.

Not in the least.

He had no hair product, no make up or clothes other than his trusty pajama pants and sweats. He didn't get to go to vocal practices or dance practices, and he sure as hell didn't get to be back on stage to perform; where he belonged.

Nope.

He was here. Where the people were crazy and the food tasted like .

Where any and all chairs were plastic and uncomfortable and it was almost always cold because- well, actually, why was it cold?

Where he had to sit down and tell these people that he had cut himself in the bathroom because he was sick of feeling. Sick of feeling inferrior to just about everybody. Sick of feeling anything.

"Kibum, you're thinking too much again."

Am not.

"Sorry."

"It's alright. I understand you have a lot on your mind."

Yeah. Sure. It's not just that I left behind my entire life to be in a place that I hate with every fiber of my being. I have so much on my mind; like what I should say next about how I feel without alarming anyone and making my stay here any longer than it has to be.

"Yeah."

The man sitting across the circle from him had a smile on his face, his eyes crinkling at the corners and his glasses falling to the tip of his nose.

Kibum resisted the urge to grimace at him. He knew what was coming next even if he hadn't been paying attention.

"As I was saying, it's your turn Kibum."

Yep. Hit the nail right on the head.

"I still don't want to be here. I still don't like the food and I still miss my clothes and skin products and family and ing hell, I even miss Jonghyun's insistant jabbering about stupid things I will never be interested in. Happy?"

The usual response of a head shake and a few words jotted down on his clipboard, and the man moved on to the next.

Kibum rolled his eyes, slouched down into his chair and pinched the skin on the inside of his left elbow until it went numb. He was starting to feel angry again. He didn't even want to feel anger for being stuck in that place. He just didn't want to feel anything.

Unless it was freedom.

 

A/N: Not too sure what inspired this one but....Whatever it was, it got this out of me lol Not sure (yet again) what this is though. Like...Really. I'm kind of iffy about this. Oh well. Hope you enjoy it anyway c: