{it's not that we're scared, it's just that it's delicate} | soohyun/eli

if eli takes a moment to think about it, he realizes that throughout his time in u-kiss, soohyun was there for every major moment in his life. this wouldn't be such a big deal, in fact the other members were normally there too, yet the presence of soohyun was felt so much more—the heat of the boy radiating through eli's own body, starting at their conjoined hands.

eli knows that it isn't a big deal for soohyun. same- friendships are much different in korea, and holding hands was basically the equivalent of a fist bump in soohyun's eyes. but for eli, he can't get rid of the american mentality he was raised with. holding hands was always reserved for movie dates at the local theater, or in his own living room, when his date was too scared to do anything but grasp tightly to his hand and hide in his chest. the fluttery feelings in his chest, the warmth in his body, the urge to hug and kiss the person he's holding on to—all things he associated with hand-holding. if he were being honest, those things still happen to this day.

soohyun was the wildly affectionate one in the group, but it was eli that started the intimacy between them. eli had decided to pay a surprise visit to soohyun's apartment one cold winter day mid-january. they had a day off that day, for what reason eli didn't know, but he wasn't complaining. eli arrives at soohyun's door and knocks, waits, knocks again, then finally pulls his personal key out and enters. he almost calls out for soohyun, but something in his gut tells him not to, and instead he heads towards soohyun's bedroom where he assumes the older boy is.

when eli finds soohyun, the shock—and admittedly, raw fear—hits him in the stomach like a punch. soohyun is lying on his floor, dressed only in boxers and a wife beater, curled into himself and shaking with sobs. eli immediately drops to his knees in front of soohyun, gently and carefully touching him on the shoulder. soohyun is startled, sitting up rapidly and attempting to hide his tear-stained face from eli.

eli watches him cautiously before silently holding out his hand to soohyun. the other boy looks at the offered hand for a few seconds, and eli starts having a million doubts about the stupidity of his actions, when soohyun takes the hand in his own and squeezes. eli spends the rest of the morning comforting soohyun the best he can and when soohyun finally calms down enough to speak coherently, eli learns that today is the anniversary of his father's death.

later in the evening, after eli makes him some food and soohyun gets dressed, they head to a flower shop and then drive all the way to the cemetery in soohyun's hometown. it's already dark by the time they get there, gyeonggi-do being almost three hours away from seoul, and eli holds soohyun's hand for the entire drive there.

a few months later, eli finds himself back at soohyun's apartment, and this time it's him crying into the older man's shoulder. there's no cemetery in korea they could visit for eli's friend, but they spend the day in soohyun's apartment eating mcdonalds and watching eli's favorite movies, hands clasped on the couch between them.

eventually soohyun realizes what the hand-holding means to eli, after careful explanation from aj and, surprisingly, kiseop. he has the brief thought that maybe he should apologize for mixing eli's feelings up, for confusing him or scaring him.  but he decides that maybe what eli was thinking, the connotations he had about the affection, was actually right. soohyun comes to the conclusion that it's better to let it lie, to let the feelings progress naturally and hope for the best.