{i could say i’m done with it, but it lurks in me} | aj-focused

at first, jaeseop had been cautiously optimistic. he wasn't an optimistic man by nature but, really, what could go wrong? he knew some of them would hate him, that was inevitable, but many would already know him. a familiar face is better than a new one, right? he was already friends with the other boys, there would be no awkward introduction period. he was at least slightly familiar with the choreography.

honestly, jaeseop hadn't expected it to go as bad as it did.

two weeks after the release of 0330, and three weeks after he started getting death threats, jaeseop realized just how wrong he was.

the nicer fans, the ones with even the slightest bit of sympathy for him, would just ignore him. u-kiss was u-kiss, jaeseop was just visiting. he'd hear them mutter, "he won't be here long" as they walked by him and there were times he wanted to reach out, tell them how much he agreed.

yet most fans were more confrontational than that, he found, and oftentimes he found himself on the other end of a verbal lashing, a crude remark spat out as they passed that he could do nothing about. "nobody wants you here," they'd say. "just because your group left you behind and fell apart doesn't mean you can drag them down." there were times when jaeseop wanted to reach out to those fans too, tell them how much he also agreed.

he did have supporters, he knew that, and he was greatly appreciative of each and every one. they would smile and give a quick "hi jaeseop" as they saw him, some being so bold as to pass him a gift too. he heard a few cheers when he introduced himself, and for awhile, that was enough.

jaeseop had hoped to start anew with u-kiss, to erase any flaws or problems he had in his past. he was better now than he had ever been before, he just needed to prove himself. but weeks went on and all he ever got was "he's too rude", "who does he think he is?", "how can he act like that?". confident, he thought but conceited, they thought. he knew which opinion mattered more.

he held up strong most of the time, but even he was prone to moments of weakness—each time he'd introduce himself as "new member aj", when the other members doted and swooned over hoon, when they had off-time and he stood to the side or when they had to line up and no one went to stand by him except eli. he couldn't be strong all the time and thus, lashing out became his new bad habit.

he pushed it a little farther each day, seeing how long he could do it. he'd drop honorifics, make fun of kevin's voice, tell the others that they weren't singing or dancing or rapping good enough; anything he could to get a rise out of someone. he thrived on it, the anger from others like water to his thirsty throat.

by the time eli pulled him to the side, asked him "what are you doing? this isn't you", it was too late. jaeseop should have known from the start that just being jaeseop would never be good enough. they warned him, warned him the fans would be different this time around, but only weeks later did he understand what that meant for him.

the fans had noticed by then as well, his lack of tact and malicious comments notorious amongst them by that point. he had unknowingly created what was to be his persona within the group; the direct opposite of quiet, well-mannered hoon. he had become aj—what used to be a decorative piece, something he could use to amplify his own character, had become an entire outfit in which he slid into every day.

he was hiding, he was aware of this. he knew he was stronger, could be stronger, but he was also intelligent. intelligent enough to know that while some fans may tolerate him, even like him, that ended when the headphones came out. he had to be the aj on their cds, not the jaeseop he grew up as.

it was a sacrifice he had to, and was willing to, make.