I don’t remember exactly how long I was in the hospital with my injuries, but it wasn’t too long after I had my  ever so *pleasant* meeting with Mr. Park, that the doctor allowed me to rest at home…with the understanding that I would be attending some rehabilitation sessions to ensure complete recovery. Those next few weeks passed quickly, though I found myself thinking of Ji Yung often. Interestingly enough, during this time, Chanelle and I noticed a serious lack of Ji Yung, Ji Hoo and Jae Hwa in the media. We often wondered if it had to do with the incident.

     After my recovery, though, I was FINALLY able to start teaching; finally able to actually work; nearly 4 months after my flight landed in Korea.  Getting in the classroom felt good…especially after being cooped up in our small apartment for so long.

     The first few days with the kids were a little slow, but I truly enjoyed every moment in the classroom—more so than I initially thought that I would. I found the kids to be sincere, intrigued, and even entertaining at times.  They gave me something to be passionate about.   I was only teaching English—no other subjects--so my work load was pretty light. I reviewed phonics, some basic sentence structure and completion strategies, but aside from that, there was really nothing to do. My work was repetitive, yet comforting in a way.

     Contentment, however, was something far out of my grasp, for my life in its present state. I would love to have someone or something to blame for that, but there’s just too much going on for me to assign it honestly and accurately.

     While walking away from Ji Hoo, I began internally mocking his question. Why? He wants to know why I’m doing this?  Fine. Let’s go ahead and put it out there so I can remember why I’m even here in the first place: Happiness is fleeting and fickle; that’s why I’m walking running away from this:

     I’m just tired of questioning myself; tired of internalizing everything that happens between us. I can’t do it anymore. It’s just too painful.

     What gives me comfort in doing this, though, is knowing that Ji Hoo’s family is in a great place, right now. I mean, when I met them they were a mess…barely a family unit. Ji Yung was lonely, scared, and seriously introverted, which is not even close to her true personality. Mr. Park was….well, I think I’ve done a decent enough job explaining Mr. Park’s disposition.

     And Ji Hoo? Well, he was….and still is a snob….biding his time until his dad tells him he’s got to marry….or manage a few of the family businesses. To be quite honest, not much has changed about Ji Hoo in the few years I’ve known him. He’s just stagnant.

     I suppose I thought…or had hoped…that he would…..

     But someone like Ji Hoo can’t change when they have no motivation to do so; those things don’t happen in reality…at least not in mine.  So that is exactly the reason why staying would be detrimental to me…not just professionally, but also emotionally.

     “That’s why you have to get on this airplane.”

     By the time I had finished rationalizing this to myself--for the millionth time—I noticed that I had walked away from the gate to my flight, and towards the front of the airport.  I looked around me again to see if Ji Hoo had followed…

     I didn’t see him; part of me was thankful for that; the other part was overwhelmingly sad. I sat down on a bench close to a large tree so that I could easily hide if I needed to.  I took out my cellphone to check the time and noticed a text notification. It was from Chanelle:

     “Still crying. I miss you already… :’(“

     I put my phone into my pocket, holding tears back as I looked down at my suitcase.

     Contentment had eluded me for most of my life, so I turned everything upside down desperately trying to find it. I came to a country I knew nothing about. I met people who I couldn’t even initially communicate with.  I came to this huge city with nothing.

     But leaving….well, it was turning out to be more difficult than I imagined. I picked up my phone again to reply to Chanelle’s text, but was distracted by my phone wallpaper:

A picture of Ji Yung and I giving the peace sign.

      “Eonniiieee…” she cried “Please don’t go, eonnie. Please….” She begged me not to go; in English no less. 

     “She must have had an amazing tutor.” I chuckled to myself at that thought.

     This is part of my struggle, you see. I’m not just leaving Mr. Kim, Chanelle, Mr. Park, and Ji Hoo….I’m leaving Ji Yung, which is something I swore to myself I wouldn’t do until she was ready. And she’s really not ready; neither am I, to be quite honest.

      I don’t think I can be content here, though; I don’t think my heart will let me.