Later that night, after returning to the apartment and thinking about it too much, I decided to share my experience with Chanelle. Mostly because I was baffled, curious…and (if I’m being completely honest here,) slightly by the entire thing.

“OH MY GOD…HE DID WHAT????” she exclaimed loudly.

I rolled my eyes a bit. “Thank god I didn’t talk with you about this earlier,” I stopped for a moment to laugh at her, “because the entire club would have known.”

She sat back cutting her eyes at me. “Hey, I’m just being a good friend right now, okay??” She stopped and sat with me in silence.

“….but….your story needs a more in depth explanation….”

“Of what?”

“Of your reaction…” I immediately turned my head away from her. I don’t know why, but I felt uncomfortable with her knowing that I might have been attracted to him, because I wasn’t sure how I felt.

I leaned back a little, more uncomfortable than I was before (if that was even possible).

Chanelle kept her stare focused on me and then tilted her head a bit.

“Oh my god. You DO!”

She placed her hands over mouth, clearly very excited at the possibility that I was interested in him. “Oh my god this is going to be great….and HE’S RICH, Kara! UGH YOU ARE GOING TO GET TO…”

“Look, Chanelle,” I interrupted her, “I don’t know if I do or not, okay. All I know is that I had some really expensive sake tonight and this guy got very close to me and it’s been a long time since something like that happened to me.”

Chanelle was about to counter my uncertainty, but I cut her off.

“I also know that Park Ji Hoo is out of my league. I’m an English teacher.  He’s inheriting his father’s company and I’m not blind to the reality of this…so even if he is interested, it’s not going to make difference…regardless, someone like that would probably get what he wanted and move on without ever thinking about me again.”

Chanelle sat back a little before my reality sobered her up; her expression went blank, and then a wave of sadness washed over my friends face.

“Well now I know you like him.”

I raised my right eyebrow and turned back towards her.  “How are you…”

She cut me off this time.

“Because, Kara. You don’t think about things that don’t mean something to you, and you’ve clearly thought about this as a possibility.”

She was right. I’d considered it. I’m not sure when I started, but I had, and perhaps tonight was the culmination of all of that for both of us.

I looked past Chanelle and blankly focused on the wall behind her.

“I don’t want to think about this anymore, Chanelle. This can’t happen, and I don’t want to wonder about what might have been. Even…even if it…was mutual….in some…way…there’s just no…no way this could happen.”

“Come on.”

Ji Hoo grabbed my hand and pulled me from out of the small corridor where we’d been standing making out. At this point I could feel my heart steadying a bit; his presence was a bit more comforting…like it had been before everything went...crazy. He pulled me through the airport to a small café; he pulled out a chair for me and I sat down. I smiled at the thought of his gesture; it was respectful and polite—characteristics, I had, in time, come to know and appreciate from him.

He sat down and stared for moment.

“Wae?!” I said teasingly, aware of his gaze.

Ji Hoo looked at the floor for a second before looking back up at me. “We need to talk about this, Kara.”  His tone became serious.

Before I could reply, Ji Hoo continued on.

“This feels good, and I know it took me a long time to show you how I feel…”

I stopped him there. “You think???”

 “Kara please don’t be cynical…”

I cut him off.  “Really? You, of all people, are going to sit across from me and ask me NOT to be cynical? When for YEARS I’ve been pushing my own thoughts and desires aside to stay there for you and your family…when I’ve been burdened with pretending like I’m happy for you, when all I really wanted was….punch you.”

His eyes widened and he leaned back in his chair, away from me.

“You have no right to ask me how to be or act, Ji Hoo. You’ve asked too much of me already, and yes, I know we just kissed, but you and I both know why we can’t really move forward with this. I really did want to leave. I just wanted to forget you…but when I saw you…”

My voice started to break; I could feel tears pushing through my eyes.

“…when I saw…you…I thought I was going to die. It felt like my soul was being crushed because you were there and I wanted to be in your arms so badly. And yet here you are, sitting in front of me, and there’s nothing I can do; there’s nothing you can do. You have to maintain your responsibilities and part of doing that is getting married…”

I stood up.

“…maybe we can finally get over this now that we’ve kissed, you know? Maybe that’s what needed to happen. Maybe we just needed to get it out of systems.” I turned my head away from him for moment gain composure before continuing.

“I may not go back to America today, but I will do it soon, Ji Hoo. You won’t stop me from doing what I have to do for myself and for the woman you will be spending the rest of your life with. You got yourself into this mess…” I stopped for a brief moment to focus on Ji Hoo’s expression.

He was gritting his teeth in anger and making a fist with both of his hands. I knew he was angry at himself for everything, but that didn’t matter now. Everything that I’d said was what he didn’t want to acknowledge or talk about…and that is why I bought my plane ticket to go back to America.

I turned to grab my luggage and walk away, but Ji Hoo leaned over and grabbed my wrist.

I looked up at him intensely.

“Don’t grab something you don’t intend to hold onto.”  I told him.

My words caught him off guard. He stopped for a brief moment to take my words in. His lips opened for a short moment as if he was going to say something.  I looked back up at him with tears in my eyes, not yet ready to pull away from him.

“Ji Hoo, if you stand here and tell me that you have another way to resolve the situation; that you can find another way to fix this, then I will go with you. We will walk out of this airport right now and go back to your house and figure this out. It will be hard, but I will do it because I…care for you….but if you do not, then I need to know, because I refuse to be the woman that you couldn’t hold onto.”

He stood there, statue like and demonstrating little emotion. There was no anger anymore. He appeared empty and distant. I stood there for a moment, hoping for some sort of reaction; I honestly wanted him to have thought about it; to have planned for something more than just coming to get me, but I knew from the emotionless expression on his face that he hadn’t.

I lightly pulled away and felt his fingers grace the sides of my wrist. I bent down to pick up my suitcase handle and without turning back toward him, continued on. I didn’t look back because I didn’t want to see him standing there, empty, with no way to hold onto me.  I fought tears, once again, nearly breaking into a full jog as I headed towards the other side of the airport.

I decided to stay in the Hilton at the airport, rather than going back into Korea immediately. I didn’t want to tease myself with thoughts and memories that would pull me back into the idea of staying. I was done with the possibilities of things. I wanted to know that Ji Hoo was going to do something about the situation; to put it more bluntly, I needed more than a kiss and promise from him.

I went up to my room and ordered room service (a burger and a bottle of expensive wine). I sat, by myself, listening to a drama play in the background.

It was probably the same kind of drama I’d watched many times with Chanelle. Girl likes rich guy. Girl falls in love with rich guy. Girl throws everything on the table and gets brutally treated by everyone around her because she’s not rich and everyone assumes she’s just in it for the money.

“Don’t by cynical? REALLY?” I said out loud to myself.

Love? Love doesn’t mean that much of anything if the extent of your love can be described as happening in a hallway’s with “almost kisses” and “shy glances” because the guy can’t seem to find the courage to actually go for what he really wants.

“God, if that was a drama, I wouldn’t ing watch it. That explains a lot.” I thought as I poured more wine in my glass.

No sooner had I set the bottle on my table, did I hear a knock at my door.

“Please be dessert.” I pleaded with a desperate tone.

I opened the door without thinking, but instead of being met with a room service cart and chocolate cake, Ji Hoon was at my door.

In shock, I looked him up and down. “What are you doing here??”

Nearly disgusted with him, I started to close the door, but Ji Hoo leaned in with his body and stopped it before I could close it.

“Ji Hoo, you really need to leave. I’m not kidding…I will call hotel security…”  I looked at him with the most serious face I could muster from within myself.

“I’m not leaving. I’m not going anywhere.” He said surely. All of sudden he pulled out his phone and dialed a number. “Look, Ji Hoo, I don’t have time for your—“ my sentence was interrupted by his voice.

“Yeh, abeoji….” I heard him say.

My eyes widened and felt a panic overcome me. “Babo! What are you doing?” I whispered all the while lunging toward him to take his phone and end the call. He moved away from me, putting himself out of arms reach, continuing the call.

“Joesonghamnida…”  he said softly as he continued on with the conversation.

The entire thing was a blur of words as he explained to his dad that he couldn’t marry someone he didn’t love. 

I heard his dad yelling at him through the phone. “Who do you love, then? Who is so important that you can’t clear your debt and start a life…”

“Kara-issi.” He said matter of factly.

I opened my mouth in shock. The first time I’d heard him say it, he said it to me and his father.

He ended the call what seemed hours later, but it wasn’t; perhaps a few minutes? I wasn’t sure. I lost track of time and of everything around me. I sat on the bed stiffly, still in shock.

He ended the call, and put the phone in his pocket; he slowly moved his way toward me, stopping a few inches in front of me. I sat there for a few moments, unable to speak or address him, and then I stood up.  I balled my fist up, as he had done earlier, and hit him on the chest with it.  I felt tears coming through my eyes again.

“Babo….” My voice trailed off, cracking with the tears in between the words that were struggling to come to life.  “…babo…” I continued to hit him more. “How could you do that to me? How could you stand there, lifeless, acting like you weren’t going to hold on to me….” I took a deep breath in and continued as more tears trickled down my cheeks.

“And here you are, in my room, telling me AND your dad that you love me? Couldn’t you have been more romantic you ing idiot…” by this time, my entire face was a mess, I was fighting the urge to completely let go and sob.

He smiled a bit, and then pulled me forward and wrapped his arms around me.

“Mianhaeyo, Kara-issi….”

A soft silence came over the room. Though the TV was still on, it faded into silence and there was nothing but us. He held onto me, rocking a bit as I cried in his arms. When I finally stopped and calmed down a bit, I took a deep breath, but still leaned in on his chest.  I was about to move away and compose myself when all of a sudden he broke our silence once more:

“Saranghaeyo, Kara-issi.”