I can hear the low humming of my suitcase wheels against the floor; the crowds around me rustling and talking to one another as I pass them.  I’m walking quickly, with purpose…Mine? That would be leaving. Leaving some of the kindest people I’ve had the pleasure of meeting. Leaving the country I’ve been able to call my home for a little over 4 years. Leaving my job. Leaving my home, in all honesty. Why? Well. That’s a bit of a story, you see. It’s complicated….like most things involving people. But that’s not what’s important, here. What’s important is, I’m going back my country.  My home.  My friends. My old life. I’ve slowly convinced myself that’s where I belong, anyway. I’m nothing but a stranger here, in all honesty…and I’ve decided that I’ve been an alien long enough.

  The luxury of being “early” for my flight is that I can stop and get myself a cup of coffee.  I pulled my luggage into the shop, ordered a latte, and sat down at one of the tables nearby. I think it was the first time I had stopped moving since I got up this morning. I sat and gazed into the open airport slowly realizing that this would be the last time I would be able to see this. I laughed to myself, remembering the last time I’d been here. It felt so unfamiliar at that time. It was scary and uninviting, but I realize in hindsight, that my perception of things had changed so much in 4 years.

   I had learned to embrace a lot of things in the short time I’d been in Korea. Not just my surroundings, the culture, and its people, though. Most importantly, I’d become comfortable with myself; I’d learned to accept who I was. I had learned to possibly even love myself.

     “Which is why I’m leaving”, I reassured myself.  I finished my coffee, stood up, and began walking towards the gate.  “This is it, Kara!” I said to myself. You’re going home. After this long flight, your mom will be waiting for you. You’ll be able to see your sisters. Your friends. Your family. Your niece and nephew…and yet all at once, I felt sadness welling up in me as I looked down at my first class ticket.  

     “There’s no time for this right now. No regrets. That’s how you’ve lived, babo. Now. Get on that flight, do yourself a favor and forget.” I thought to myself. I felt myself ache at the thought, though. Forget? Could I really forget? Flashes, all at once, of my life, glimmers of what it could be…of what might have been filled my mind. I brushed over them.

“First call for gate 13 from Seoul to New York.”

    I collected myself and headed for my gate. I don’t have time for this. I don’t have time for memories.  This isn’t a drama or a fairytale.  “I’ve got to do this. For both of us.”  

  I stood in line at my gate, which was unexpectedly pretty long.  I looked around one last moment and glanced back towards the exit of the airport. And then I heard a little girl crying. “Please don’t go, eonnie! Please don’t go!” My heart lept with excitement and I stopped and look towards my left to see a young woman, about my age, cradling a little girl in her arms; more painful memories flooded my thoughts.  Without warning, tears began to fall down my cheeks. I ran out of line into the closest bathroom I could find. 

   I suppose another luxury of being early for a flight is having time to cope with thoughts like these. It’s hard NOT to have them. I mean, I’ve been a part of this place for so long that it’s become a part of me. I walked out of the bathroom and found a bench to sit on. As I looked up and saw other planes taking off, I let out a long sigh.

“Looks like you’ve got quite a bit on your mind, Kara-issi.”

    A voice; a familiar one.  It incited anticipation and fear within me at the same time. I stood up and looked in the direction of his voice. Our eyes met and it was my undoing. I started crying again, I couldn’t help it. I walked up to him with tears in my eyes. 

He smiled at me. I felt myself getting closer to him. Before I realized, I was within arms length of him. I don't remember how it happened. I tried to speak, but I couldn't. My tears were holding me back from saying what I wanted. My thoughts dodging the skepticism I had felt earlier all but disappeared, and my heart became overwhelmed with sadness.

“Still so reserved even after all this time. Still so honorable….and so blind to possibility.”

Well that pissed me off. I backed away from him a little bit,  cocked my head in slight arrogance and indignation. “Ah yes, things you couldn’t possibly underst---“

 “Second call for gate 13 from Seoul to New York,” the woman on the PA bellowed in English and Korean.   And with that, I hesitated for a moment…turned, and headed towards my gate without responding to him further.