Day 3:

  I wake up late in the afternoon. I have nothing to do so might as well sleep in, but then it’s just going to be a boring day. I should at least do something while my aunt is out working.

  I roll on my bed a couple of times as I try getting the sleep out of me. After a couple of rolls, I finally had the urge to get up and do something. I change into warm clothes and place my mask over my chin since I was going to eat something before I leave.

  The moment I step outside, I didn’t know why, but I take a glance at Youngjae’s house. I wonder if he’s home or not, and if he was, what is he doing?

  Wait, what am I thinking?

  I shake my head. This wasn’t right. I’m not suppose think about that guy whatsoever because I told myself I wouldn’t get attached to anyone! I start walking once more, heading towards the park. I want to get a better look at the fountain. I never really paid attention to that place since a fountain is a fountain; there’s not much to it.

 As I walk through the streets, my eyes begin to wander, wondering if I’ll catch a glimpse of someone from school. Of course I do, but none of them takes their time to converse with me. It’s reasonable, but I’m suddenly feeling very lonely. I usually don’t feel this way, so I’m kind of angry with myself and Youngjae. It’s his entire fault that I’m acting this way! I could be living my life without feeling lonely or… confused. I’m especially confused as to why I’m thinking about him in the first place!

 I reach the park and the moment I step on the blanketed grass, my feet sinks deep in the snow and I nearly fall over. Aish. What is with this snow? Was there this much yesterday? But then again, Youngjae covered my eyes and guided me so I can’t be sure if it was like this.

  I take another step and my other foot sinks with my other one. I should be walking on the regular path where it’s dry and everyone is walking on it with ease. But no, I decide to do something different to take my strange emotions away. Maybe being distracted will cure this “sickness.”

  I continue on with my path and suddenly I hear a voice behind me. “What are you doing?”

  My head shoots to the side, my heart pounding, but the person beside me wasn’t the one I was expecting. Zelo.

  He was looking at me weirdly as he stands on the path where everyone was walking on. “You know it’s much easier to walk here and it’s warmer.”

  I just shake my head and continue what I was doing. I had to take big steps just to get my feet out of the snow for a split second before stepping down on the ground.

  Zelo was one of the few people who I “speak” to at school which is like once a month. And the times when we do speak, he has no idea what I say because he doesn’t know sign language so I have to write everything down, and you have no idea how annoying it gets. Not only that, but hand begins to cramp.

  “Where are you heading?” He asks.

  I take a glance at him without saying a word and keep walking.

  He follows behind (I could tell because his footsteps were loud on the path).

  I don’t know why, but I don’t feel as annoyed as I do when Youngjae follows me around. I guess it’s cause I know Zelo will leave after a while or I got used to it… I think it’s the first option.

  I keep walking without turning back and hear Zelo following me, but as soon as he realizes that I didn’t want to talk to him, he goes away.

  I feel lonely once again.

  After my crazy walking, I finally arrive at the fountain. I find so many couples sitting around, cuddling with each other as they try to stay warm. I also see a few families walking around with their child or children. It makes me wonder what my life would be if my parents were still alive.

  I find an empty bench and sit down. My back was facing the fountain, so I had to twist my neck just to see the fountain. It truly is like every other fountain, so I don’t understand why Youngjae is so fond of this place. I couldn’t exactly understand him.

  I close my eyes, just to relax for the day. I don’t think anything would disturb me, but I wish something does. I wish something will happen right now and take away this loneliness. I don’t need someone to be with me; I just want something to distract me.

  I open my eyes just to see if what I wished for came true.

  Nothing happens.

  I sigh and was ready to leave to my next destination which I’m not sure where that will be. I stuff my hands in my pocket and half way stand before I hear rushed footsteps coming near my direction. I turn my head towards that direction and I suddenly feel tight arms wrapping around my waste. I fall back on the bench.

  I couldn’t move. My whole body was frozen as I recognize the dark brown hair and puffy lips. But there was something wrong about him. He wasn’t the same annoying, smiling self. There were tears in his eyes as he shut them tight and his breath was uneven as deep sobs escape his lips.

  I couldn’t say, “What’s wrong.” I told myself I wouldn’t talk to anybody; no exceptions. Instead, I gently and awkwardly placed a hand on his back and start patting him.

  “I-I don’t understand,” Youngjae says in between sobs. “N-no matter wh-what I do, I can’t seem to impress him.” His grip around me got tighter as he buries his face into my jacket.

  My heart was racing and I couldn’t understand what I was feeling as he touches me. This was the first time I would be hugging someone since the day my parents died. I don’t even remember what it’s like to feel someone’s warmth right next to me.

  Youngjae lifts his head. His eyes were glistening from the tears, but there were a few tears smears across his cheek.

  I don’t know why, but my body acts on its own very slowly. I reach out and wipe those tears away, rubbing my thumb across his cheeks as I stare at his puffy lips. I wonder if they’re as soft as the skin beneath my thumb…

  No! What am I thinking?

  When all the tears and smears were gone, I leave my two thumbs across his cheek. Slowly, I feel my right thumb getting closer to his bottom lip. My heart was beating quickly and I couldn’t understand why. This guy is just a guy from my class and my neighbor, so why do I feel this way.

  Just as I was about to touch his lip, Youngjae’s eyes widen and he pulls away from me.

  My body and hands were free, but I wasn’t comfortable with this. I wanted him back in my arms and hold him tight. I wanted to comfort him, but I know I won’t, but I shouldn’t! Argh! What is wrong with me?

  Youngjae sits up straight and sniffles. He forces a smile which wasn’t too convincing. “I’m sorry. I-I didn’t mean to tackle you like that.” He bows his head and fiddles with his fingers. “I actually didn’t expect you to be here.” He pauses, “But I’m glad you are.” Again, he forces a smile that was wider than the first, but I can tell he was hurting inside.

  I wanted to ask, “What’s wrong,” but I couldn’t. My mouth opens underneath the mask, but no words come out. Instead, there was a croak as I was debating with myself.

  Youngjae chews on his bottom lip. “Let’s go somewhere.”

  I blink a couple of times.

  He turns his gaze towards me, his eyes soft.

  I nod my head reluctantly and drop my gaze. It was hard to look at him for some odd reason, but that didn’t stop me from avoiding him. I distinctly remember telling him that I don’t want to see him after yesterday, but this is an exception. There was something wrong and I wanted to find out.

  We end up walking in silence which was strange to me since Youngjae really likes to talk. I wonder what happened to him that caused him to act like this. I tap his shoulder when I realize we’re just walking in circles around the park. Want to go to the café?

  He was in daze when I touched him because he had a late reaction. His eyes stare blankly at me before he answers, “Sure.”

  I walk ahead of him and strangely enough, I stop and spin around.

  Youngjae nearly bumps into me, but he stops the moment he realizes I stopped moving. “What’s wrong?”

  I begin to turn red as I was contemplating whether I should do this or not. I hold out a hand and look away from him. He must have gotten my hidden message for he takes my hand and curls his fingers tightly around mine. My cheeks burn even more, but I just let it go and keep walking without looking at him.

  Once more, we walk in silence, but the warmth of his hand around mine wasn’t so bad. I mean, this will be the one and only time I’ll let him hold my hand like this.

  As we were walking through the town towards the café, I see some people staring at us for a moment before going on with their business. Most of those people were our classmates and they seem shock about it. I guess it’s cause this was the first time they have seen me with someone other than being by myself. For a moment, I did feel slightly insecure, but when I take a quick glance at Youngjae, I catch a small smile while he was staring at our entwined hands. I blush and didn’t look at him again until we reach the café.

  At the front, I find Himchan standing at the register, smiling and looking at our hands. “Table for two again?” He asks with a huge grin on his face. I’m not sure what he was thinking, but he shouldn’t think that we’re together.

  He leads us to a booth in the corner and places the menu in front of Youngjae since he knows what I always get in the café.

  “I’m not getting anything,” Youngjae states to Himchan, trying to hand the menu back at him.

  I shake my head. You need to eat.

  He, too, shakes his head. “I’m not hungry.”

  Himchan reluctantly takes the menu and looks at me. “Are you getting your usual? I don’t mind if you don’t since it’s not busy today. You can stay here all you want, in fact.”

  I nod my head. I’m not coming here without ordering at least one thing.

  He nods and bows before leaving us.

  I lean closer to Youngjae, squinting my eyes at him. He was no longer crying, but I could tell he still was troubled by whatever happened to him earlier. I want to ask him what’s wrong, but my voice and mind were saying otherwise.

  Youngjae lifts his head at me and lean back, seeing that I was so close to him. “What is it?” He asks in a soft voice as if he was afraid of other people hearing.

  What happened? I’m pretty sure he knows what I’m talking about. It’s quite obvious that I’m worried about what happened earlier. Youngjae isn’t dumb even though he can act like he is sometimes.

  Youngjae drops his gaze. “It’s nothing to worry about.”

  I glare. It certainly is something to worry about! If something made a guy like him cry, then it’s very important! The ones who are always happy are usually the strong ones, but they’re easily broken sometimes. Sometimes they can be the most vulnerable. Are you afraid of something?

  He chews on his lip, but doesn’t answer.

  Please tell me. Why am I so worried about this guy now?

  No answer.

  I lean closer, nearly being out of my seat but not quite. What’s wrong?

  He lifts his gaze directly at me.

  My heart falters as his eyes become glossy and his lips pressing together tightly as he forces himself not to cry. I decide to give up and let it go. I lean back on my seat and heave a sigh. I can’t force someone to speak out.

  “I think I should leave. I-”

  He was about to get up until Himchan returns with my order.

  Himchan sets my cup and cookie down while smiling brightly at the two of us. He bows and says, “Enjoy.” Then retreats.

  We sit in silence as I take little sips of my latte and bites off my cookie. When I was about to take another sip of my latte, I place a hand over my mask. This time, should I reveal what I look like? I mean, this mask is annoying to constantly lift and put down every time I need to eat or drink. I take a glance at Youngjae, seeing him staring at his own feet in silence. I set my cup down and pull my mask down to my chin, wondering how long it’ll take him to realize that I have taken off my mask for the first time in public. It was as if a cool breeze hit my cheeks since it was warm beneath the mask.

  I pretend nothing happen, still wondering how long it’ll take him to realize…

  Suddenly, he looks up. I guess he was going to tell me he’s going to leave, but when he realize my mask was off, he blinks a couple of times in shock. I’m not sure how long he was staring at me or what he was thinking because his expression was indifferent. It was hard to determine what he was thinking.

  When he realizes he was staring at me too long, he turns his head towards the wall. But again he doesn’t say anything.

  I open my mouth, wanting to talk, but once again nothing came out – not even a croak this time. My lips tremble. Why am I so afraid to speak now? Why do I want to speak to him in the first place? I don’t know how to answer these questions.

  After the long silence, Youngjae stands up without looking at me. “I should really go. I’ll see you later.” With those words, he leaves.

  I sit there for a moment, thinking about what I did. Was it really the right decision to reveal what I look like under the mask? Will he ever talk to me again? Was I too quick? I sit there, regretting everything I did, but at the same time, I didn’t regret it. I would reveal myself one day, but I didn’t expect it to be today.

  The rest of the day was a blur to me. It wasn’t important because I was too worried with the questions constantly swarming in my head.