Day 5:

  I wake up with my head pounding. I didn’t get a good night’s rest because I was so worried about Youngjae. I hope nothing bad happened to him, but I may never know because he tends not to tell me things that trouble him. Plus, I didn’t see him after that.

  I don’t know what I’m going to do today because I don’t feel like going outside at this moment. It seems that I’m feeling really lazy. I guess you could say these are just one of those days where you want to lay on bed and do nothing.

 I could have done it, but I keep thinking about Youngjae. I have to see him. I have to ask him what happened yesterday because I can tell his dad was really mad and I don’t want to see him hurt.

  I head downstairs and watch T.V. Maybe it isn’t the right time to visit because he’s probably asleep at this time or not home. Whichever it is, I’m having doubts whether or not I should see him.

  As I’m flipping through the channels, I realize that school will start soon again. What will people think of me when they see me without my mask? Will they make fun of me? Will they start asking me questions and force me to speak? The only time I do want to is when I feel like it. I don’t want anyone to force me.

  I find a channel and leave it there. Since I didn’t eat yet, I head to the kitchen and find breakfast already set for me. I smile to myself and start eating in peace. Ah, now sometimes I wish my aunt will stay a bit longer.

  When I was done with breakfast, I return to watching T.V. Ah, this will certainly be a boring day…

  Suddenly, I hear the doorbell and a rap on my door. Huh? Who would be here at this time? I didn’t wait and open the door. Without even realizing it, I feel tight arms wrapping around my body and the sound of sobs.

  “Youngjae! What are you-” I was cut off as he grabs my cheeks and kisses me without warning. I wasn’t expecting it, so I couldn’t respond causing the kiss to be just a lip touch. My body was feeling hot and my eyes widen. What is going on?

  He releases me and mutters, “I’m sorry. I just have to do it.”

  I couldn’t speak. I really wasn’t expecting this.

  Youngjae looks me in the eyes as his tears were smeared across his cheeks. “Can I stay here for a bit?” He asks.

  I simply nod and watch him take his shoes off and head to the living room. He sits on the couch and watches T.V.

  I, on the other hand, head to the bathroom. I lock the door behind me and look into the mirror. My cheeks were flaring. I press two fingers on my lips, still feeling his on top of mine. The scene repeats in my head over and over, but I’m still wondering why he did that. Why in the world would he kiss me?

  I wash my face before heading back out. I hope I don’t look like crap since I wasn’t planning on doing anything today. When I walk to the living room, Youngjae was flipping through the channel.

  “I don’t know what to watch,” he says, not taking his eyes off of the television. Finally, he turns it off and curl up, pulling his knees to his chest. “You don’t mind me being here, do you?”

  “No,” I reply. Why is he acting as if he never kissed me?

  His gaze trail to outside. “I don’t feel like watching T.V. But if you do, I’ll watch with you.”

  I shake my head. “No. We can play… Videogames.” I pause. I have it upstairs in my room if you want to play.

  He smiles and stands up. “Sure, let’s go.”

  I don’t know why, but that smile wasn’t the same smile as I usually see from him. This smile was unfamiliar to me and it didn’t belong to him. It seemed that, that smile is someone else’s smile and not his. I really want to know what’s going on in his mind.

  I lead him to my room and let him in first, holding the door for him. “Here’s my room.”

  His eyes sparkle when he sees my room. I don’t see anything special about it, but I guess you could say it’s pretty big with a bed, desk, cabinet, a T.V, and stuff like that. To me, it doesn’t seem anything special.

  “Wow! It’s so big!” Youngjae exclaims while jumping on my bed.

  I stare at him. Even if he sounds excited, I can feel he’s not. There was something in the tone of his voice that made me suspicious. I simply nod my head and turn on my consol. I sit next to him and hand him the extra controller I kept when my cousins come over to play. Recently, I haven’t been playing videogames because it’s not that fun when you’re not with someone. That is, unless you’re a gamer. I’m sure those people don’t mind playing alone.

  We wait for the game to load and I couldn’t help but stare at Youngjae. His features were the same: his soft eyes, puffy lips, and light complexion, but his personality changed. Even though he acts like his cheerful self, I could tell he was hurt inside.

  “Youngjae,” I start.

  “Yeah?” He turns his head and stares straight into my eyes.

  The scene of him kissing me appears in my head. I become a coward and look away from him. I couldn’t get the scene out of my mind and I couldn’t control myself when I advanced towards him and kiss him. I wrap my arms around his waist, feeling his warm body against mine. I never thought of actually kissing someone when I’ve only met him for a few days, but in my mind, it seems like I have known him forever. I can’t control myself as I tighten my grip around him and the air out of him.

  For a moment, he doesn’t respond to my lips probably because I did it without any kind of warning. Even I’m surprised of myself for kissing him like this. After a while, I feel his lips move under mine, slow and hesitant. Then, I feel him gripping the front of my shirt tightly as if not wanting to let go.

 A light moan escapes his lips making me go crazy. I push him down against my bed and lay on top of him, my lips never leaving his. My hands roam around his body, feeling his soft skin as my fingers trail up and down his arms. My heart pounds in my chest as our breaths come in gasps each time our lips parted.

  I pull away from the kiss and send butterfly kisses down his neck, taking in his orange scent. I’m intoxicated by him.

  “Daehyun,” his voice comes husky.

  “What?” I mutter against his neck and continue pressing my lips.

 “D-Don’t.” He moans as I lightly nibble on his earlobe.

  “You can’t make me stop now,” I whisper.

  He shivers from under my grasp and continues to hold me tight.

  I continue with what I was doing, lightly along his neck and grinding my body against his a few times.

 This time he actually pushes me off.

  I’m on my side beside him, staring at him in shock.

  Youngjae sits up and swings his legs over to the edge of the bed so his back was facing me. I couldn’t see in his expression, but by the tone of his voice, I can tell he was afraid. Afraid of something unknown to me. “I’m sorry,” he mutters under his breath. His head turns to me and I can see his eyes glistening as tears form in his eyes. “I can’t do this. I just can’t. I shouldn’t have kissed you in the first place. I don’t know what’s going on with me. This whole week as been hectic and I feel like I’m going crazy every time I’m with you. I can’t do this to you…” Those were the last words he said before biting his bottom lip and the tears came like a river.

  I reach out to him and wipe those tears away. Again, I’m finally able to be there to catch his tears. No matter what, I will try my best to make him happy. I pull onto his arm and take him in a light embrace. I didn’t want to suffocate him by making it too tight, but I didn’t want it to be too light for him not to feel my warmth. I didn’t say any words, but I gently rub his back humming a tune my mom always does when I was hurt. Oh, how I missed that tune. I thought I would forget, but obviously my heart doesn’t. My heart remembers the tune no matter what and whenever the time comes, I’ll be able to hum it.

  Youngjae buries his head into my shoulder but he doesn’t sob. I even think he’s not crying anymore but just sitting there, letting me hold him for a while. Suddenly, I hear him mutter something I couldn’t comprehend since he said while buried on my shoulder.

  I release him and take his shoulder, stretching my arms out so I could see him. “What did you say?”

  His eyes drop to the floor. He opens his mouth as if he was going to say something, but he closes it and shakes his head. “I-It’s nothing. Let’s just play.” Youngjae grabs the control and starts the game.

  I take the other and play with him. It’s hard for me because I’m so concentrated on Youngjae, I couldn’t focus on the game. I keep dying at random moments as I get shot by the enemy and revive once more, forgetting that I died already. If only life was like that because right now, I feel like I got shot in the heart.

  The whole day we play video games while talking about anything that came to our mind. We act like we didn’t kiss earlier and I was quite hurt because I didn’t want him to be like this. I didn’t want him to act as if what we had was nothing. I know for a fact, he felt that same spark when our lips touched and I know he didn’t want to stop. It was quite evident when he followed my movements, but I know that something in the back of his mind was preventing him to do so. I didn’t know what.

  After hours of playing, Youngjae finally stands up and says, “I’ll be going home now. I think my mom will be worried about me.” He bows with a small smile on his lips.

  I stand next to him and hug him without a word. I feel like I don’t need to talk for him to understand what I’m feeling. “I’ll see you tomorrow?” I ask as if this would be the last day I see him.

  He doesn’t say anything, but I feel his head move. “Bye, Daehyun. I’ll see you soon.” He releases me and heads downstairs.

  I follow him to the doorway. Just before he leaves, I peck him on the cheek. My heart beats fast again and my cheeks flare red. I can’t say those three words everyone wants to hear from their partner, but like I said, he doesn’t need word to know why I’m implying.

  This time I see his usual smile, but it soon turns to a frown. He bows once more before leaving the house.

  I head to the window in the living room and watch him go. He walks sluggishly home and glances back. He must’ve not seen me because his eyes were up at my window. With a slight smile, he continues walking home.

  I press a hand on my chest, feeling my heart slowing. Someday, I’ll be able to say those words to him, but not now. Not until I’m sure of these feelings. Youngjae, even if the whole world stops listening, I only need you to hear me. You’re the only one who broke through my barrier. I’ll never forget you even if we become worlds apart.

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*Author's note:

  I believe the next chapter will have better detail about what happened here lol so if it seems strange/out-of-place, I'm sorry, but I had to have a kiss scene somewhere! >.<