I dressed in one of Ji Ho’s hoodies and a pair of track pants.  If everything went to hell, I would give back his hoodie.  Granted, I had a few of them, but this was my favorite and he knew it.  It would be a peace offering.  Before we parted ways.

                The thought of calling Amelia or Beki crossed my mind.  I think I needed some girl talk.  I was around boys too much of the time.  But the thought passed when I realized both girls would be off doing something happy with their respective boyfriends since we were still on spring break.

                Yu Kwon and Jae Hyo were lucky guys.  They had simple relationships.  No deceitful friends nosing around in their business.  Plus their girlfriends were normal, sane human beings.  I, on the other hand, should be carted off.  I should be deported.  I wondered if American guys would have this effect on me.  Maybe I should move on to a new race of boys.

                I did like white guys.  There were a few cool white boys at school.

                Oh, who was I kidding? I thought as I locked up my apartment.  It could be Justin Bieber, Channing Tatum or any other y white guy I can think of and I’d still pummel him for a shot at Ji Ho.

                No, forget it.  I was already a lunatic, why not just forget Ji Ho all together and go for one of my friends’ boyfriends?  Yeah.  Why not just dive fully into the pool of insanity?  Yu Kwon has a sweet smile.  I’ll take him.  I could fight Beki.  I’ll fight her right now.  Hm.  No, she’s kind of tough.  Plus she’s taller than me.  I could outrun her, but only if I had a head start.  Jae Hyo’s got nice eyes.  Fine, done.  I’ll kidnap Amelia, leave her tied up in my closet and take Jae Hyo.  Yeah.  I’ve already proved how malicious I can be, why not resort to kidnapping?  No, I told myself as I walked out of my building.  I could not resort to trying to steal my friends’ boyfriends.  They were happy.  Kidnapping and home wrecking are bad for my karma.  I’d just go after one of the soccer playing friends I had that was not yet taken.

               Tae Il.  So what if he’s pretty and makes me feel like a man?  I dress like a boy.  I am a tom boy after all.  Tae Il it is.  He’d be easy to get.  I could tempt him with some colorful fish I could pick up from the pet shop nearby.  Lure him into my room and keep him.  No, sure he’s a sweetheart, but I don’t like fish.

                How about Ji Hoon then?  I said his voice was frighteningly y.  I’d take him.  He’s in the drama club at school.  I could sign up for the next play the school is putting on.  He’s a killer actor, so I know he’d get the male lead.  I’d bribe someone to get the female lead and then tell him we need to practice together.  Then I’d hold him hostage in my room.  Done.

                I hated being in the spotlight.  Fine then.  Min Hyuck.  I could grow to like Min Hyuck.  He has tempting eyes.  An attractive trait.  Ok, him.  I don’t know how to play the piano and he’s an amazing piano player.  I’ll have my parents buy me a piano and then I’ll force him to stay with me to teach me the piano.

                No, I give up.  I’ll just take Kyung.  He’s a good person and I like his face.  Plus, he’s seen me in my underwear already.  It’s a done deal.

                How’s that for crazy?  I sighed and stopped walking.  I took a few deep breaths and pushed all unstable thoughts out of my head.  I needed to focus.  I needed a clear head.  I needed to do the right thing.  As soon as I fix this, I can go back to normal.  Or as close to normal as I was before I allowed myself to spiral out of control.

                I adjusted the hood on my head and inhaled deep.  Ok.  I’m ok, now that I got all of that out of my system, I was ready to make things right.

               It was especially cool out for March.  Which was good because I had some pent up energy to work off.

                I began to run.  I ran the whole way to Ji Ho’s building.  By the time I arrived at the corner leading to his apartment building, I was a mess.  Sweating, out of breath, and I had a cramp in my side that was slowly squeezing the life out of me.  I’m usually a good runner, but I think my form was off.  Not to mention running five miles will do bad things to your body if not done properly.

                I collapsed onto a bus stop bench about a block from his building to catch my breath, letting the spring breeze dry the sweat on my face.  Purposely ignoring the weird looks I got from passer-bys.

                Once I had collected myself and was no longer in excruciating pain, I dragged myself to his building.  I hoped I was right.  His parents were back in Seoul, but that didn’t mean they’d be taking any sort of break now that it was day two of their return.  Ji Ho should be alone in his apartment.

                I slipped into his building behind an attractive Korean couple that looked too happy for my liking.  I quickly envisioned tripping the girl and making her fall off her cute, clicky heels right on her face.  Perhaps there’s medication that could be of some help to me.  I smiled at the girl when she held the elevator door for me.

                The whole way up to his apartment, I tried to figure out what I was going to say.  All the thoughts jumbled up in my head and I felt dizzy as I exited the elevator.  My sneakered footsteps echoed in the empty hall as I passed doors that weren’t his.

                I stood in front of his apartment, staring at the door for at least a minute while I strained to hear inside.  I heard nothing, but that didn’t actually mean anything.  The doors in this building could be sound proof for all I knew.

                Finally, in one last deep breath and letting it out, I knocked.  Waiting only a split second, I was ready to bolt.  He must not be home.

                The door swung open and I saw him standing there in soccer shorts and a black wife-beater.  I almost passed out.

                “Dani,” he smiled at me.  “What’s up?”

                Don’t cry.  Don’t cry.  “I…”  Blink.  Breathe.  Blink.  Breathe.  “Ji Ho…”

                “Yeah?”  His face held no sign of anger or disappointment or regret.  Nothing.  He was truly happy to see me and I wanted to memorize that look because after I said what I had to say, he’d never look at me like that again.  “Come in,” he added.

                I shook my head and blinked rapidly.  “N-no, it’s ok.  I can’t really stay.”

                He nodded.  Waiting.

                “Can I have a h-hug?” I asked quietly after a minute.  I could feel my face growing hot, but I didn’t care.  I looked down at my feet.

                He laughed lightly, but stepped out of his apartment to wrap his arms around me.  I couldn’t help but wonder if Natalie’s body fit against his as well as mine did.  Had she already memorized his scent?  Did she know how he got the scar on the back of his shoulder?  I changed my mind.  No peace offering.  His scent was embedded in this sweatshirt and I wasn't giving it back.

                “Are you ok, Jordan?” he whispered into my hair.  Something was wrong and he knew it.  He never called me Jordan.

                I shook my head.  He pulled away.  My arms fell limp at my sides.  I pulled my hood lower to hide my eyes for a second, buying time that didn’t matter.  When I fixed it so I could see again, he was standing in his doorway.  Leaning against the frame with a look of concern on his face.  I sighed.

                “I have to tell you something,” I said.

                He bit his lower lip.  “Tell me.”

                So I did.  I told him everything.  In one breath it felt like.  I blurted out the truth about why Natalie didn’t show up and the truth about my feelings for him.  I told him everything.

                Every crazy thought that ever passed through my mind.  I told him why I did what I did and how much I cared about him.  And how afraid I was of losing him.

                “And that thing with Kyung?” I continued, feeling myself getting slightly hysterical.  “Yeah, that was a lie.  A scam.  We were pretending the whole time.  I never even kissed him.  It was all an act.  I thought I could make you jealous.  Something about you being backed into a corner or something so you could realize your true feelings for me.  Except that was stupid since your feelings for me will never be more than friendly.  At least, they were.  I know that now.  I know that you can probably never forgive me for what I did because you actually liked Natalie enough to keep her longer than a week, but just let me fix this.  I can call her now and have her come to your apartment or wherever you want her to go so that you can surprise her.  You can still ask her...to be your girlfriend.  She’ll say yes.  I know she will and I know I can fix this.”

                Ji Ho’s face hadn’t changed the whole time I spoke.  He just stared at me.  I swiped at my eyes before the tears could fall.

                “You did all that because you loved me?” he said flatly.

                “Yes.”

                “You lied to me.”

                “Yes.”

                “You pretended to be with one of my friends.”

                “Yes, but don’t get mad at Kyung.  He was just trying to help me.”

                “Now you want to fix things?  You want me with Natalie?”

                “I want you happy.  If Natalie makes you happy then yeah I want you with her,” I forced myself to say.  “I can fix this.”

                “You lied to me a lot.  Over so many things.”

                “I’m…sorry.”  That also was a lie.  I was only sorry it was going to end the way it was.

                I still firmly believed if I could have made this all work out in my favor, I would have lied all over again to get him.  “But, Ji Ho, let me fix this!  And then, maybe, someday in the far, far, really far future, you can forgive me.  We can go back to the way we were!  We don’t have to ever talk about this again.  We can pretend it never even happened!”

                I saw his Adam’s apple bob as he swallowed hard.  He looked down at his feet and then slowly up at me.

                “No, we can’t,” he said.

                “Ji…Ho, please…”

                But he stepped back into his apartment and shut the door.