Ji Ho texted me a few minutes after he left to ask me, when I called Natalie, if I could tell her that he would be there.  That we were all hanging out as a group.  He said that would be insurance that she would come.  Why wouldn’t she come if she knew he’d be there?  I said I’d call her right now.

                It only took maybe an hour for the guilt to sink in.  I barely ate dinner.  I was pretty sure my parents thought I was sick.  Which worked out ok because when I told them I was going to bed early, they didn’t think anything of it.

                I went to my room and paced.

                I’m a disgusting, horrible, sad excuse for a human being.  I have no heart.  I have no soul.  Ji Ho is going to hate me.  Well, he has every right to!  I destroyed his perfect plan!  His super romantic plan!  That’s because you’re filled with jealousy a voice told me.

                I rolled my eyes.  Shut up.  Of course I’m jealous!  I want Ji Ho!  I belong with him!  I know everything about him!  And he knows everything about me!  And he still likes me!  Not everyone can say that.  Because you’re crazy.  I am crazy!

                With a heavy sigh, I threw myself onto my bed face first.  Muting my screams with three pillows, I still didn’t feel better.  There’s no making you feel better after what you did.  Shut. Up.  I feel bad enough as it is.  I clutched at the sides of my head.

                Great, now I’m having an argument with myself.

                I don’t deserve friends.  I don’t deserve anything.  I should be locked away.  Put in a straight jacket and left to rot in a padded room.

                I sat up.  Breathe deep.  “I can fix this,” I said aloud.  Where’s my phone?  I frantically began frisking myself in search of my cell phone.  Patting down my bed, I found it under a pillow.  I should just call Natalie now.  Yes, I’ll call her now and tell her she has to meet Ji Ho at the park.  Right this very second.  It’s a matter of life and death.  It wouldn’t ruin the surprise.  I would just tell her that he needs to see her.  Forget lying about meeting me.  She would rather meet him for no reason over me anyway.

                Three hours.  It’s been three hours since Ji Ho was going to meet her.  My phone slid out of my hand and bounced on my pillow.  No way was he still waiting for her there.

                I could just picture him sitting with his dinner picnic, all nervous and excited, waiting for her.  When did he figure out she wasn’t coming?  I could see the hurt look he probably had in his eyes.  The unshed tears stung the backs of my eyes.

                Or!  Maybe he called her!  Yes, maybe he called her to ask why she was taking so long!  Good, yes, maybe he did that!  No, he didn’t do that.  He wanted it to be a surprise.  He would have never called her.

                He would have called me.  To find out what she said.  Hm.  Why didn’t he call me to ask why she wasn’t coming?

                Oh, God, he’s probably still waiting there.  He’s too stubborn to leave and probably  too embarrassed now to admit that it didn’t work out.  Well, in his defense, she only didn’t come because I lost my mind.  The hormone driven girl inside morphed into a conniving and took over.  My entire body felt like it was shaking from the inside.  I held my hands up to my face.  They were trembling.

                I ran to my window and threw it open as wide as it would go.  He’s going to be upset when he finally does leave.  He’s going to come see me.  I just know it.  He’ll want to know why she didn’t show.  Was it him?  Was that why she didn’t come?  Was she busy?  He’ll want to be with his best friend after his plan all went to hell.

                My feet wouldn’t work, so I just let myself crumple onto the floor by the window.  I would have stayed there all night had the noise outside my window not scared me upright.  I scrambled over to my bed.

                Look natural.  Don’t cry.  Act like you don’t know.  Act like nothing is wrong.  Act like you’re not the deceitful horrid person you know you are.  Don’t look like a deer in headlights.

                “Hey!” I squeaked a little too awkwardly when he came through my window.  “How did it go?  Did she love it?  Was it awesome?”  Smooth, Jordan.  Real smooth.

                He yanked off his sneakers and left them by the window.  He shuffled over to me and flopped down.  He looked really upset.

                “She didn’t show,” he said, scratching his head.  He looked at me with absolutely no expression on his face.  I could see the disappointment in his eyes though.  “What did she say when you talked to her?”

                It didn’t even occur to him that I wouldn’t have talked to her at all.  That I would be so spiteful as to sabotage his plans.

                “I…she said she’d be there.”  Hm.  The lies just kind of spew out now, don’t they?

                “I wonder what happened,” he asked himself.  Hope passed through his eyes.  “What did she say when you told her I would be there?”

                “She said she’d be there,” I repeated quieter.

                “Did she sound excited?”

                I shrugged.  “We didn’t talk long.”

                “Hmm…” he sounded.  He pulled his legs up so he could sit on them and face me.  “And she didn’t text you or call you back to say she couldn’t come or anything?”

                “No.”  The only truthful thing I’d said all night.

                “You think she didn’t come because of me?”

                Damn, man.  Break my heart some more, why don’t you?

                “Maybe she got busy,” I suggested lamely.  “Should I call her and ask what happened?” I asked.  I really must be out of my mind.  What are you going to do if he says yes, Jordan?!

                He smiled lightly.  “No, it’s late.  She’s probably in bed by now.  Besides, I threw out all the stuff.”

                The pained tone in his voice did it for me.  A tear spilled over my eye.  After the first one escaped, I just couldn’t control it anymore.  I covered my face and cried like a baby.

                “Whoa, hey, hey, what’s wrong?” he asked, panicky.  “Is this still your period thing?  Does it last that long?  How long does it last usually?  How long has it been?”

                “N-no.  It’s just…you planned this awesome…date and…she didn’t go,” I sobbed.  I felt him move around to sit behind me.  He ran his hands up and down my arms.

                “It’s ok, Dani.  Don’t cry.  It’s not a big deal, really.  I’m cool.  It’s all good,” he said in an attempt to be soothing.

                “O-oka-ay,” I continued to sob.

                “Ugh, Dani, please stop crying.  You know what that does to me,” he pleaded.

                “Sorry.”  Get your crap together, Jordan!  I wiped the bottom of my tee shirt down my face and took deep breaths for a moment.  Once I’d stopped sobbing, I got the hiccups.

                Punishment.  Ji Ho laughed.

                “I’ll sneak into the bathroom and get you some water,” he offered.

                “No, it’s alright.”  Please don’t do anything nice for me.  “They’ll go away as soon as I calm down and start breathing normally again.”

                A few minutes later and I could be silent.  He stayed behind me, his arms haltingly closing around me for a hug.  He seemed unsure.  Not exactly how I pictured this.

                “You’re the best friend I ever had,” he murmured after a moment.  I felt myself begin to cry all over again.  “Ah, crap.  Dani, are you sure you aren’t still PMSing or whatever?”

                I in a deep, long breath.  “No, I’m ok.”

                “You should rest.  I’ll go.”

                “No, wait.  You can stay, you know.”  How selfish can you be?  Shut up.

                An emotion passed over his face that I couldn’t place.  “I can’t.  No, I shouldn’t.  Kyung is my friend.”

                I sighed, aggravated.  “Kyung and I aren’t even together.”  Oops.

                “Well, not officially, but if you guys are seeing each other, I don’t want to…”

                “We decided to just be friends.”

                “Really?  I mean, why?  What?  What happened?” he asked, shocked.  “Are you ok?  I mean, you guys were like…well, getting close, weren’t you?”

                I wanted so badly to just confess that the whole thing was a scam, but I couldn’t get the words out.  “We didn’t sleep together or anything.”  My imagination made me see Ji Ho’s face take on a look of relief, but I knew that had to have been wishful thinking on my crazy part.  “I don’t really want to talk about it.  We’re just friends now.”

                “You want me to beat him up?”

                I smiled and moved away from him so I could lie down.  “No, we’re cool.  We’re friends, honest.”

                “Ok then, but you let me know if you change your mind, ok?”  He jumped up and turned off the lights in my room before returning to the bed and stretching his long legs out next to me.  With a sigh, his eyes lowered shut.

                “Ok,” I sighed.  Against my better judgment, I asked, “What are you going to do about Natalie?”

                His eyes popped open and he glanced over at me.  “I don’t know.  I guess I’ll just wait until she gets in touch with me.”  He studied me for a second.  “There’s probably a good reason she didn’t show.”

                So maybe there was time for me to fix this.  If I wanted to, of course.

                “Are you mad?” I wondered.

                He folded his arms behind his head and closed his eyes again.  “A little.  I mean, she said she’d come and then she just didn’t show.”

                “I’m sure there’s a…reasonable explanation,” I guessed.  Yeah, like your supposed best friend has been possessed by an evil demon.

                “Are you mad about Kyung?” he asked quietly after a moment.

                “No, no,” I answered immediately.  “Kyung and I are better off friends, so I’m glad we decided to make it like this.”  Would he stop talking about Kyung already!?

                My breath got caught in my throat when I felt Ji Ho readjust himself right behind me and his arms encircling my waist, pulling me close in a tight hug.

                I squeezed my eyes shut.  What the hell?  I understood that I deserved to be punished for what I did, but I could only handle so much.