A/N: Yeeeah, so once again it has been some time since I updated and I'm sorry. I hope you like it anyway!! :)

Jonghyun had disappeared.

They didn’t know when or where but suddenly there was no Jonghyun to be seen anywhere in their dorm. They managed to lie to their manager, saying that Jonghyun was running a fever and didn’t want to see anyone or be seen at the moment, however the panic was slowly creeping up on them when Jonghyun hadn’t been heard from after three days.

Kibum was panicking the most. He couldn’t help but feel that it was his fault and that he had scared Jonghyun away. At the same time he was furious with him because he had kissed him and then just upped and left the day after without a word. If that was the reaction Jonghyun would give after pushing him down then what did it make Kibum?

Kibum closed his eyes and sighed while leaning his head on the back of the sofa on the fifth day of Jonghyun's absence trying to block out the sounds Taemin and Jinki were making in the kitchen while preparing dinner, most likely making a mess of everything. He didn’t feel like he was getting anywhere with his thoughts and worries and found himself repeating the question ‘what exactly does Jonghyun want with me?’ over and over again.

“Jjong.” He whispered in a monotone voice. The nick-name felt strange in his mouth after disusing it for so long. “Why?”

Jinki’s phone, which was lying next to Kibum on the sofa, started ringing suddenly and sent him flying into the air in shock pressing his heart area with one hand.

“Jinki! Your phone!” he called after his heart had calmed and he sat down again.

Jinki came running with water dripping from his hair and a smooch of some kind of sauce on his cheek. Kibum narrowed his eyes slightly but handed him the phone without comment.

“Thanks.” Jinki said and put it on speaker so it wouldn’t get wet from his hair.

“Hyung!” Came Minho’s voice as soon as the call was answered. “I just found Jonghyun-Hyung!”

Jinki’s eyes widened and Kibum flew up from his seat a second time.

“What?!” he yelled, making the leader flinch at his high-pitched voice, and lunged for the phone. Jinki barely managed to hold it out of his reach while trying to keep Kibum in place.

“Kibum… wait…” he panted.

 “Oh, did Kibum-hyung hear that?” Minho asked worriedly.

Kibum clawed at Jinki’s hand holding the phone.

“Give. Me. The. Phone!” he growled and tried to wrestle the other to the floor.

Suddenly Kibum felt two slender arms circle around his upper body and drag him backwards. Taemin had rushed into the living room when he had heard the raised voices and was now trying to help Jinki calm Kibum down. He wouldn’t have any of it though.

“That bastard is-” he started loudly.

“Kibum!” Jinki said warningly. He shut up immediately, hearing the dangerous tone in his voice. “Get a grip and sit down!”

Kibum glared at the leader but reluctantly let Taemin lead him back to the sofa and sat down with him. Jinki let out a hard breath and pressed two fingers to his temple.

“Ah!” Minho’s voice broke the silence that had fallen in the room. “He saw me!”

The other three stared at the phone waiting for more details.

“Hyung, wait!” they heard him call away from the speaker. From the sounds of it he had started running to chase after Jonghyun. “He’s trying to run away!” Minho breathed into the phone. “Dammit!” he cursed. “There are too many people! I’m losing sight of him!”

They heard Minho let out another curse and groan in disappointment after a few more seconds had passed.

“He got away.” He muttered irritably. “Damn, why does he have to be such a short dwarf?!”

Taemin and Jinki looked at each other disappointedly and Kibum hit the pillow next to him angrily.

“I’ll be back in five minutes.” He sighed and hung up.

No one said a word. Then Taemin stood up and kicked the leg of the coffee table, startling both Kibum and Jinki.

“What the hell is he doing?!” he nearly shouted.

“Taem-” Jinki started, trying to calm the unusually angry Taemin down.

“Is he so miserable that he’s going to destroy our reputation?!” he continued. “Is that what he’s aiming for?!”

Kibum opened his mouth but Jinki beat him to it.

“You both listen to me!” he said angrily and shot Taemin a look that dared him to even whisper another word. “If this is how you are going to react then SHINee will meet an end. You both have to understand that Jonghyun is having a hard time because of Sekyung and you.” He turned to Kibum.

Kibum started to protest but Jinki silenced him by putting up his hand.

“I’m not saying that you’ve had the best days of your life either, Kibum, just understand that Jonghyun will come back when he is ready to face you. Besides, I trust him not to do anything stupid.” He finished. Then the leader his heel and stomped right past a shocked Minho who had just entered to hear the last of his words.

“What the hell happened?” he asked, big-eyed.

Kibum and Taemin stared at him, not quite being able to process what just happened either.

Minho sighed, apparently understanding the situation, and joined the other two on the sofa. “Guys, this is going to break us apart if we don’t get a grip.”

Kibum knew that. Of course he knew it. But he couldn’t help feeling abandoned by Jonghyun and he couldn’t help being mad at him. It felt like a hand squeezed around Kibum's heart. He was so extremely mad at Jonghyun for kissing him and invoking hope in his heart. He was angry that Jonghyun left after giving him a small ray of light and he was so utterly exhausted emotionally by having to fight what he was feeling with all his might only to find that that wall crumbled by the slightest hint from Jonghyun. Kibum didn’t have a grip about anything concerning Jonghyun and it felt like anything he tried to uphold fell right through his fingers. He was simply struggling in vain to either feel nothing for Jonghyun or try to live with an unrequited love when neither of them made it better for the group as a whole.

A little shocked, Kibum felt tears start to run down his cheeks and a sob shook his body. He felt so utterly helpless. He saw blurrily how Taemin placed himself at his feet and tried to dry away the tears that started running faster and faster and he felt Minho’s arm around his shoulders.

“I-I… wish I could… turn back time... make other decisions…” He sniffled. “Then I wouldn’t… have been where… I am today.”

“Hyung, don’t say that.” Taemin whispered, drying one of Kibum's cheeks with the back of his hand, and Minho squeezed his shoulder tighter. “We all love you.”

Kibum smiled slightly through his tears. “I love all of you too.” He sighed shakily and a few more sobs escaped his throat. “But all the things I try are going wrong and I’m feeling exhausted.”

Taemin threw his arms around Kibum and hugged him tightly. Minho joined the hug and put his arms around the both of them.

“It’s going to be alright.” Taemin murmured into Kibum's shoulder.

Suddenly a third pair of arms circled the group awkwardly. Jinki had returned to make up with Taemin and Kibum because he really hated fighting.

“I’m sorry I snapped earlier guys.” Came Jinki’s muffled voice through the tangle of arms and torsos. “But we have to keep together.”

They all mumbled in agreement, but the non-existent presence of Jonghyun didn’t go unnoticed and it made them feel quite lost. They had never had a group hug without a member before.

“C’mon kids, let’s go to bed.” Jinki said.

By Taemin’s request they took their mattresses and laid them side by side on the living room floor so that they all could sleep in the same room, mainly because Minho would be alone otherwise and neither of them felt like leaving a member alone.

That night Kibum dreamt of long corridor’s filled with doors that opened up to the blockage of a wall. As his dream-self continued to walk down the corridor a feeling came creeping up his spine that someone was following him in the shadows although the corridor was perfectly lit, almost too light. He also had the feeling that at the end of it there would be another actual door that would lead him out into the unknown, which meant that he either let the person, or creature, catch up to him or chase him to that end and he wasn’t entirely sure either of them was good.

He woke up with a wildly beating heart and a cold sweat. The dream had been somewhat horrifying and he still felt like someone was chasing him even though he could hear the soothing breaths of the other three beside him. Kibum turned to his side and came face to face with Taemin’s peacefully sleeping figure. Then he closed his eyes again and tried to fall back asleep, but to no avail. So he decided that since he was awake he could go take a shower.

Kibum spent well over two hours in the bathroom trying to fight all the emotions raging through his body. It was as if Pandora’s Box of emotions had opened inside of him. Luckily for the others they had two bathrooms so they didn’t have to wait for him to get out. Then he spent another half-hour in front of the mirror fixing here and there with his clothes and hair. It helped him keep his mind away from unnecessary thoughts. However that little effort went straight down the drain (as so much else had done) when his ears picked up a familiar but yet distant voice coming from the living room. Anger flared up inside him and stormed out of the bathroom. This was probably going to be the moment everything would either crumble completely or start to heal again, he thought before stopping in the doorway.

So be it.